Why Canada Is The Greatest Country On Earth (1158 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.46 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fungah (View user info) at 2006-02-21 19:58:34 EST
Canada is the greatest nation on earth. It's a scientifically proven fact, proven by scientists and gentically engineered mongooses (mongeese?) that make up 98% of our parliamentary system. Yes that's right, PARLIAMENT, you animal loving American zoophiliacs. Our country has more than two options for our government, and they're not represented by absurdist dual-coloured animals. We see the world in shades of grey, we are a country of philosophers.
A little known fact about Canada: All of our leaders are required to be shape shifting robots with laser vision and rocket shoes. Parliament is just a guise to cow the Canadian populace into drunk submission (that and beer). How the country is really run is determined by late night battles outside of a local bar in ottawa, where, in typical Japanese fashion, long winded diatribes lasting for upwards of an hour are given by shape shifting robot battling participant, where, following, they fight for exactly five minutes. They fight against a projector, on which many intriguing multicolored colors are displayed, as they hover in air for minutes on end, on their way to deliver a mind numbing roundhouse kick, rambling incessantly about power levels and love of battle. But I digress.
Another Canada is the greatest country ever? Beavers. A little known fact about our beavers is THEY create, and invented beer. The beavers are put to work in a top secret brewery, creating beer that is only digestible by Canadians. Were anyone from any other country to taste the magnificence of our beer their intestines would rupture in surprise, spraying a really gross gooey liquid all over a nun's face. Because of course a nun would be standing there. Or something.
Canadian children are trained from birth to play hockey. From the time we are old enough to stand we are put into spartan arenas, in which only the best hockey players are allowed to eat. Actually, THAT I made up, we're just generally pretty decent at it.
Winter. We have winter. It gets cold. The winter is caused by bigfoot. Roar.
Also, while I am on the subject, Brits do not have nearly as bad teeth as everyone says, and someone really needs to take a huge shit on that giant lincoln statue in washington. But I digress again.
Canada has a secret army, contained within a subterranean bunker in Saskatchewan, located beneath a hockey arena. Contained within this base are all manner of demonic mind shattering weapons of obscene destruction, traded for with Satan in a secret pact between him and Mike Harris, inept former premiere of Ontario in exchange for his excellent governing ability. "But what excellent governing ability Fungah?" you may ask if you're not Canadian. Except I won't have to answer. Because by the time you are reading this, tanks the size of a small city will be rolling over your border, as floating cities with earth shattering laser cannons will hover beside them, many being lost to the sheer innebriation of the pilots in massive explosions, before being able to cross the border. We will lose many good cities, but most will be in Manitoba so no one will give a fuck. Manitoba sucks.
This brings to the next and final point as to why we rock: the inevitable outcome of the war, soon to come. Our army will pour forth from our country, consuming much of the northern part of America in one fell swoop. We will immediately drink all of your booze, then head home the next day, suffering a massive hangover in the true Canadian spirit.
User Reviews
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-02-22 07:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You talk a fair game
but USA's got you sussed.
For all your base
are belong to us.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-02-22 02:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RonArtestPunch (user info) at 2006-02-22 02:27:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!
LAND THAT I LOVE
STAND BESIDE HER, AND GUIDE HER
THROUGH THE NIGHT WITH A LIGHT FROM ABOVE!!!
hear that, god loves america....bitches
-------------------------------------
You're a dumbass.
Submitted by RonArtestPunch (user info) at 2006-02-22 02:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!
LAND THAT I LOVE
STAND BESIDE HER, AND GUIDE HER
THROUGH THE NIGHT WITH A LIGHT FROM ABOVE!!!
hear that, god loves america....bitches
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2006-02-21 23:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
just like a canuk to shoot himself in the hand.
Submitted by Snowynorth (user info) at 2006-02-21 23:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A little known fact. Mounties are actually constructed atom by atom somewhere in the Yukon and their uniforms are actually an extension of their bodies, with the exception of their hat that is made out of finely woven baby seal fur ( culling is just a cover ).
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
obviously canada is best because of the surplus of gay comedians it produces.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No one country is better than the rest. Except for America.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart Canadians.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2006-02-21 21:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is he catching the bullets as he shoots?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Flat 0
Submitted by WindChill (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck Canada.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:02:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
98% of our parliament are mongeese. The other 2% are super fighting robots.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
^
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-21 20:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
VIVA PRESTON MANNING