Shamrock Open - Chasing the Snake (1302 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber-related
Rating: 1.95 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-02-22 11:13:27 EST
"So where ezzackly ya sending me?"
"Fifth century Ireland, Patrick. We've been over this. The snakeflu originated in Ireland in 2360. It wiped out half the world. We need to send you back so far that the people are still simple and superstitious and will help you kill every last snake in Ireland."
"So, m'I goin' cause I'm a motiv... motif... motimo... guy who can talk to people?"
"No. We're sending you because you're a drunkard and you'll fit in."
"....Righto.... so, what'm I sposed to do?"
"Kill the snakes. All of them. Bring religion into it somehow - our research shows that early civilizations would do pretty much anything based on religion."
"C'n I take my bottle?"
"Wouldn't have it any other way."
OrionCapsule readout - begins 18:40:56 4-6-2380 - initializing subject transfer - parameters set - all systems operational - GREEN LIGHTED AT 18:45:56 - subject vitals normal - transfer underway - all systems normal - transfer complete.
Patrick staggered away from the small eggshaped OrionCapsule. He unzipped his fly and pissed onto the rocks that lined the shore as the capsule blinked out of existence behind him. The most modern technology, time travel made real, billions of dollars in research, and no room for a fucking toilet, and you call this progress? He didn't. He called it Typical Female Thinking, was what he called it.
He zipped up his fly and cradled his bottle in his arm as he staggered blindly up the closest hill. Jesus there was a lot of green here. Rain and water and green, everywhere, like fucking moss growing on the surface; give him concrete and steel any day, all this growing stuff couldn't be hygenic.
He looked around him at the low, ancient hills and pastures and made for the closest village. Religion, snakes, people. Right.
"And this thing, right, is.. green. Like Ireland." He stared muzzily at the tiny three lobed leaf in his hand and rallied his thoughts into something approaching sense. The crowd was listening, hanging on his every word. "It's like.. right, this here's the Father, and this is.... his son... and this here is the, uh, the... Holy...." he fumbled and his eye happened upon his beloved bottle. 'Raging Spirit, 80 proof.' "Proof! This is the Holy Proof! Proves god is real, dontcherknow. And, right, the snakes signify the pagans who - " No, losing them, losing them, get back to the leaf, dude - "Snakes are bad! Green is good! Ireland is good! Because it's green! This is green! Kill the snakes!" Simple, that was the key. Keep it simple and give them something to hit.
And, yea, it did come to pass that all snakes were driven from Ireland by the righteous Christians, the pure of heart, and their sainted leader. And he looked upon the drowning serpents and he spake thusly "Fucking right! Drown the fuckers!" And all hearts were gladdened. And he was made a Saint for his Godly ways, and there was much Whiskey and rejoicing and Whiskey and Whiskey, and lo, he lived a long life and full in the Land of the Shamrock.
"Saint? They made him a freaking Saint?!"
"Seems so. Can we bring him back, do you think?"
"We-ell, there's a problem with the OrionCapsules. They don't.. uhm, they're not working right..."
"You used one today to go back to Ancient Greece for that yogurt dressing you like."
"Yeah, but they're broken now, ok?"
"You want to leave him there, don't you?"
"No."
"You do, don't you?"
"No."
"You want to leave him there with his bottle and forget he exists, don't you?"
"Yes."
"Ok then."
OrionCapsule readout - purge memory - AUTHORIZED - delete parameter records - AUTHORIZED - reset all data streams - AUTHORIZED. Thank you for using the OrionCapsule 3000. Have a pleasant day.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-25 10:50:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ack! No...
Underground and cool, remember? Right? Yeah?
BUT I have this List of Names....
I just need addresses and some guns, and I'll be set.... you could help with that...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-25 10:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could create 3,852 alters and spam all your posts, thus getting
you on any Uber list you desire. What's it worth, Oh she of the
magnificent boobies?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-25 09:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorpe - I'll be holding my breath.
I'm never going to make the MVA - I don't post often enough. That's okay, though, because this way I can still tell myself I'm "underground" and "cool."
And "delusional" and "spastic."
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-25 08:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's almost on the MVA. Ten or so places away, if my memory serves me correctly.
Thanks for the tip Circe. I suppose it's lucky I didn't greet him with a hearty "HA HA RABBIT" or something.
I only called because me and Williamson were drunk really. Expect a call next Saturday though, because I'm gonna call the Ubercon when they're at breakfast.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-25 08:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad, go kick or ass-rape a prisoner. You'll feel better, fuckface :)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-02-25 08:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what a kissarse
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-25 08:16:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I, too, have been reading some of your older entries. You really should be
on the MVA, as your writing far surpasses the majority of everything on this site.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-25 07:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Opps.
Thorpe, in the number I gave you, the last three digits are supposed to be 624, not 264.
My bad.
At least you made a new friend, right?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-24 23:55:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, I rang the number you gave me.
Hmm...
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-24 23:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't been camping here for seven hours waiting for an answer... I've been to work, and done "real world" stuff... really...
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-24 23:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No seriously, I phoned the number and that was the conversation we had. I might have entered the number wrongly into my phone I suppose...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-24 23:09:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorpe - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
"I'm from the website." *click*
Hahahahahahahha
You lying little twat
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-24 16:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I phoned your number last night.
*click*
Gruff-sounding old bogan bloke (GSOBB): Hello?
T: Hello can I please speak to Lyn?
GSOBB: Who?
T: Lyn.
GSOBB: Um...
T: Are you the Dutchman?
GSOBB: What?
T: Sorry, I would like to speak to your wife.
GSOBB: Lyn?
T: Yeah.
GSOBB: No Lyn here mate.
T: I'm from the website.
*click*
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:17:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent piece. i meant to rate it sooner.
Submitted by Grevenator (user info) at 2006-02-24 05:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just finished a very enjoyable couple of weeks of reading all of your posts when work has been slow. Consistently enjoyable, an extremely high calibre of writing talent. Thankyou kindly for the much needed entertainment! Must say I was disappointed to come to the end, looking forward to the next!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-02-23 14:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife is Irish.
God I hate them so.
Submitted by drivebyasshole (user info) at 2006-02-23 13:44:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-23 11:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Neat.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-23 08:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-23 00:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great way to approach the story.
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*stalks*
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-02-22 20:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-22 13:31:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-22 12:20:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
I disagree with Tim, drawing it out would have lost the charm, no pun intended.
Short, sweet, kickass.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always fun to read, id like to meet your mind.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-22 16:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite entertaining young lady.
I wish I could write humor better than I do. The funniest thing I've ever posted was a camwhore.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-22 13:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha. Nice.
Very clever.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-22 13:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-22 12:20:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
I disagree with Tim, drawing it out would have lost the charm, no pun intended.
Short, sweet, kickass.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-22 12:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heehee.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-02-22 12:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-22 12:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I disagree with Tim, drawing it out would have lost the charm, no pun intended.
Short, sweet, kickass.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-22 11:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
clever and funny and orignal, but i wish you had done more with it.
mabybe short and sweet and funny was the point, but i was left wanting more...in the bad way.
still good though.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-22 11:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Patrick staggered away from the small eggshaped OrionCapsule. He unzipped his fly and pissed onto the rocks that lined the shore as the capsule blinked out of existence behind him. The most modern technology, time travel made real, billions of dollars in research, and no room for a fucking toilet, and you call this progress? He didn't. He called it Typical Female Thinking, was what he called it.
=================
This, and this alone gets you the +2.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-22 11:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good thing they all speak Gaelic in 24th century wherever it is!
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-02-22 11:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the whiskey part...
What?