Shamrock Open - Chasing the Snake (624 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.32 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Doberish (View user info) at 2006-02-22 16:38:37 EST
The damp soil is chill against my belly. Low, clawing branches that would otherwise have groped at my back were on this day retracted, as if the land were somehow unwilling to impede me. The trees break and give way to tall, dewy grass and my blunt darts above the green carpet. Forked tongue flickers in and out with the swiftness of strobe, tasting the new air like a confused fish surfacing to an unfamiliar world of clean air and blue skies.
My body moves lithely across the glade beyond the trees, and the sun refuses to break through the thick, cloying mist to warm my frozen frame. My cold blood runs chill and nature rebels against me, conspiring to rob me of any joy from living in this verdant land that has turned its back upon me, a son become prodigal through no fault nor choice of his own.
The moist glade gives way to slimy rock and I flow over it with a suppressed shudder - I can feel the enmity of the land, welling up from deep roots stirred from ancient slumber by some power beyond reckoning, some magic bent upon the destruction of my people. The soil rejects my smooth form, the trees shift in mysterious breezes to make way for my flight. The rocks silently pulse their hate and I feel primordial vibrations that throb through me - driving me ever onwards towards the sea.
A vole scurries across my path and I lunge forwards with the speed of my kind, but it has seen my fangs flashing and it streaks away, a blur of grey-brown fur against the bright greenness of the morning's grass. With the terrifying slalom that has been the last sight of so many, I gave chase, out of the crooked black teeth of basalt onto short, windswept grass that smelt of the sea.
Brown erupts in my vision again, shot through with and horrible sound-vibrations my kind learned to fear a thousand generations before my birth. Ribs expand and body flattens to the ground as the great eagle swoops, flashing talons score twin tracks in the scales over my spine, passing over to rip furrows from the hard-packed earth. The magnificent bird spirals upwards, screaming exhilarating frustration to the heavens that are its lot.
The poison spreading through the ancient veins of this land have snared the minds of other creatures, turning even them against me. I need no more of this vitriolic aggression, this caustic hate. I am leaving this land, this birthplace, this home and haven of my kind since the mists of time yawned open to the breath of the Old Gods.
Sand feels rough to my grass-smooth scales, the crinkle of shingle a shudder in the air my tongue has not tasted before. I pause at the brine, body upraised, shaking from muscular tension as my mouth sucks in every sensation from my home as it can before the deep plunge and the reviled exile settles around my neck like a weighty noose. Suddenly muscles spasm and I shoot forward, dulled nose slicing into the shallow, foaming surf as my fangs would have lacerated my prey in days forgotten. Game has turned sour since the intruder set foot upon my land.
As the last of my body - the tip of my whipping tail - parts contact with the land I have loved so much, a vivid image burns its way across my mind for the heartbeat in which I am both on land and sea.
A great tall man stands on green grass in green forest in the heart of my great land. He wears a coarse brown robe in the manner of the ancient Druids, and his hair is similarly long and unkempt. In knotted hands a craved staff is plunged into my beloved soil. No Druid is this man. Power pulses from his staff, power not from the Old Gods of my land, but from the God of the unpainted ones. The southerners from across the sea.
The God that professes love and deals in hatred, the same hatred that blights this hateless isle of purity and nature, driving me inexorably onward and outward, away and far from my homeland of a thousand thousand years on the bequest of this usurper. They name him 'Patrick', the very word an insult to the rich culture that saturates this isle. A bastardised form of Podrig, the true soul-name of many man-folk of my people. This very title shows him as what he is.
This invader of the soil of my land.
This sacred turf of this most beautiful of nations.
This verdant island.
This Ireland.
*
I realise this isn't the 'Doberish' account - merely 'chillax' with the username. However, I'm one and the same. I'll post a picture below - compare it to that ridiculous camwhore of me on the Doberish username. If you need further proof, look at the posts submitted by the two usernames, and pick up on the way both users profress to be the same age, from the same city, have the same siblings and so forth...I'll do that myself if you're feeling lazy.
I'm doing this because I had to verify my email adress again with the Doberish accout for some reason. Maybe bartbart banned me for -2ing the whole MVA list...maybe telling you verify your accoutn then NOT sending you the email with the code is how people are banned...hell, I dunno, never been banned before.
Maybe the email is just late.
Anyway, this is Doberish. Notice the dodgy shades...
User Reviews
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-02-23 18:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Goddam picture fixation...:p...only included the damn thing to prove my indenity (it was the only other picture I could find, unfortunately, in which I'm wearing the same shades).
I hope the +2's were for the story, anyway...
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-02-23 14:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHH! Your Nosehairs are huge and scary!!!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-23 13:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good good story. great perspective.
the photo was a bit um, indescribable?
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-02-23 13:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't want to include the damn picture either, but would anyone have belived I was Doberish without it?
And hey, if that's all the spots you've got as a teenager you're doing pretty well in my books...
...pity, really, about the rest of my body :D
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:10:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-22 17:37:23 (#)
That's why her Uber boyfriend focused on your photo rather than the post.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Just to clarify here, I stand by my +1 for this. I generally liked the
perspective, but the language didn't quite flow smoothly at times, and
that detracted a little bit from the final result. And, you know, the pic
was included as part of the entry, so it's fair game as part of the basis
for rating.
Also, dude, keep it quiet with the boyfriend thing! If her Uber husband
finds out, we're dead!
=====
I was just joking around man.
I don't think you'd toss a wrench in someones work just to give someone else an edge. Some other people around here would though...
And I agree with you about the photo being fair game, though I understand why he included it.
bah
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll agree with Nelly. Also, I don't know what's worse, the spots around your mouth or the spots on your futon/couch thing.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-23 08:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I found this labourious to read.
Sometimes less is more with adjectives. In my opinion anyhow.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-23 01:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The story itself didn't particularly grip me at all, but the telling did. You're getting this +2 for the language and the flow, because damned if there weren't some great turns in this piece.
Should have saved the camwhore for another time. It's just cocking up the works here and begging for comments that have nothing to do with what you wrote.
Almost makes me want to dock a point.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because JX is a penis with feet.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One might think that a man of JohnnyX's purported age would have
learned better by now, but perhaps not...
JohnnyX, why be such an asshole DURING A COMPETITION?? Shithead...
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:15:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The picture was just meant to be so no-one was in any doubt as to who I was...the 'competition' entry was meant to be everything before the '*'...the very fact that it's in the post, I suppose, makes it fair game, but bartbart made me do it by suspending my Doberish account, in one form or another...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-22 17:37:23 (#)
That's why her Uber boyfriend focused on your photo rather than the post.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Just to clarify here, I stand by my +1 for this. I generally liked the
perspective, but the language didn't quite flow smoothly at times, and
that detracted a little bit from the final result. And, you know, the pic
was included as part of the entry, so it's fair game as part of the basis
for rating.
Also, dude, keep it quiet with the boyfriend thing! If her Uber husband
finds out, we're dead!
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:04:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
Maybe bartbart banned me for -2ing the whole MVA list...
-----
well, THAT's a pretty good excuse to -2 this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHOA!
Most Viewed Post list...not MVA...
Folks, opium and details are not always friends.
If -2ing the MVP list is alrght by you, JohnnyX, I apologise.
If you'd stil -2 me for it, you're a vapid cunt.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I quite liked this
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was lovely.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeesh.
*buttons lips*
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:04:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
Maybe bartbart banned me for -2ing the whole MVA list...
-----
well, THAT's a pretty good excuse to -2 this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No, you stupid fucking cunt, it'd be a pretty fucking STUPID reason to -2 a piece I did for a WRITING COMPETITION.
Gods, you arsehole.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"a son become prodigal through no fault nor choice of his own."
---
did you mean "prodigal" (wasteful, extravagant) or did you mean "itinerant" (a common misuse of the word stemming from "The Prodigal Son" parable)?
perspective was inspired, so I'll go 1.5 here
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-22 18:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Maybe bartbart banned me for -2ing the whole MVA list...
-----
well, THAT's a pretty good excuse to -2 this.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-02-22 17:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers...I really have to admit laziness on the 'work' front.
Thats a matress, not a pillow.
Those are my brothers droolstains, not mine.
However, I *did* sleep on that thing...eeeew...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-22 17:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why her Uber boyfriend focused on your photo rather than the post.
This was quite good. A bit shakey in the description here and there, but just a very little bit. I really enjoyed reading it from the serpents perspective.
My bigger beef is that I think you could have turned this into something a lot bigger than what you did, but the way it is still sits fine with me. I'd like to see you revisit the idea later and expand on it a bit.
Also, clean that dirty fucking pillow. You can see the drool stains all over it man. God damn..
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-02-22 17:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Aye, I know...:p...I suck at technology, generally.
The writing is the main point, though...glad you like it.
I have to beat Circe, for fuck's sake...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-22 17:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy resizing, Batman.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-22 16:56:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT YOU'RE FREAKIN HUUUGE!
Nicely done.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-22 16:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To help a little more.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-22 16:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I take it back. I reread it and liked it more the second time.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-02-22 16:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's okay.
I won't hold the pic against you.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-22 16:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beautifully written. Absolutely exceptional.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-02-22 16:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow...resize...
But anyway, let's not let this become a discussion of my identity...