If I had have known you were cumming I would have baked you a cake (NSFW) (2683 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.76 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2006-02-22 19:03:37 EST
As a heterosexual male I am a connoisseur of female genitals and while my sexual history might not be as illustrious as some men, I feel I have sampled enough to make me somewhat of an expert on the female anatomy. Breasts of course are of interest to any heterosexual male but the real action hot spot is the vagina.
Vaginas come in many different shapes and sizes and its appeal depends greatly on its owner's care and presentation. A clean nicely trimmed pussy is much more appealing then an unkempt feral specimen, but that's not to say fun can't be had with a vagina of the 70's hippy persuasion, so long as it is clean and presented with the right amount of moisture.
The key to a great vagina is cleanliness. A healthy shade of pink with a hint of the feminine aroma is a perfect specimen to engage in sexual contact. If your partners vagina reminds you of the smell of the bait bucket on your last fishing trip I would advise you avoid oral contact with it and tact is your best course when broaching the subject with its owner.
The female arousal stages differ to that of a male and only the patient and trained male know how to prepare his sexual partner for mind-blowing sex. Men who are conversant with the ways of women know that sex is better with an aroused and responsive woman and are patient enough to coerce her desire to this stage.
Hands up those men that hear the words "It hurts I am too dry" more often then not.
You sir, are a sexual Neanderthal.
The modern woman demands an orgasm and some even more then one. So if you hope to be asked back for some more bedroom fun you need to change your ways or settle for a playboy magazine and a bottle of baby oil.
My advice is to approach a woman of interest like you would bake a cake. Even though you have all the ingredients in the same room as you it doesn't mean you are going to eat some yummy cake. You must mix the ingredients lovingly with care and precision and work the mixture into a firm but moist readiness. Diving for the vagina is like putting a cake mixture in the oven that hasn't been properly prepared. You will just end up with a dry, limp uninteresting cake to eat.
Knead the soft upper parts with love and kindness, taste testing and teasing different parts now and then with your tongue. A learned master of the art knows exactly when to put the cake mix into the oven, they know that the mix can be over prepared and when they sense the cake screaming those words of readiness at them "for gods sake put it in, put it in" they carefully manoeuvre it into position.
Test its readiness with a finger, it should be sticky wet and firm and responsive to the touch. At this stage pushing your finger into its firmness should be met with a shudder and soft moan. If this is the response you get do not hesitate to put it in.
When the cake is in the oven, over exertion and boisterous movement wont help it rise. Move about slowly and purposely and let the cake rise. Watch for signs as the heat gets turned up. When the cake starts to rise it will rise quickly and reach its full heightened state rapidly but don't pull out just yet as this is a crucial stage, let it rise until it seems its at its peek and prepare to deliver the cream.
When the cake is removed from the oven it should begin cooling immediately, you will notice it shrink slightly and go a little limp and unresponsive. Let it breath and get to room temperature and be careful where you touch it as it is at a delicate stage and wont want to be moved about or fondled too much. Kissing and holding is usually allowed at this stage but be gentle.
If you follow this simple recipe you will get to keep your cake and eat it whenever you want. Remember, keep your cake fresh, warm and moist and never eat another mans cake.
User Reviews
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-06-01 03:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-03-01 07:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
presentation is everything.
Submitted by tracy48616 (user info) at 2006-03-01 07:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dusty thinks you are a pervert, but loves the story. also, he's been trying to call several times and your phone wont even ring. stop ignoring us, we will track you down. dont make us call your boss, we know where you work!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-28 12:32:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i got a dick cake for my 20th bday! my friend baked it especially for me.
Submitted by tracy48616 (user info) at 2006-02-28 12:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you really have been a busy boy, dont make me track you down here again. email me!!!!
good story, i enjoyed it, but you are not spending enough time in the outlaws as you used to and are surely missed. you are being a "major payne"!!
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
somehow i just can't +2 this, not up to normal standard
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-25 23:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking saxon, at it agian
i bet you shit gold, dont you?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-25 22:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*raises hand*
What?!!?
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-02-24 17:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At last! A guy that knows his stuff!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-23 18:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-02-23 00:25:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:24:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Saxon. If your goal is to make yourself desirable to every woman on Uber, I think you just achieved it.
Whatever, I thought it was lame. Although I'm not surprised you weirdos get off on baking analogies.
***************************
Oh Lisa. Can anything melt your bitter, angry heart? I tell ya, if baking a cake in the shape of a giant wang doesn't make you weak at the knees, then I give up.
IT'S WANG-CAKE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-23 13:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:48:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:28:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
'A clean nicely trimmed pussy is much more appealing then an unkempt feral specimen'
I couldn't agree with you more.
I'm horny now.
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You too?
Nice post ..... I need a shower now, good thing I have a detachable shower head.
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Im beginning to think detachable shower heads get more action then most men.
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Funny because I get more action from my detachable shower head than I do from a man.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:53:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While I agree with you, don't forget the notion that a female's purpose if for me to cum on her face, and if she's not horny and wet I'll spit on her vag until I'm ready to fuck and give her 4 minutes of fury...
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*gives the thumbs up and waits for the dude holding the camera to say "ooh yeeah..."*
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bake my cake. Bake mu cake. Bakmu kake. Bukakke. BUKAKKE!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-23 03:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll be sure to keep that in mind the next time I get to bake a cake BECAUSE THE FUCKING STORE ALWAYS SAY THEY'RE OUT OF INGREDIENTS BUT I KNOW OH YES I *KNOW* THAT THEY JUST DON'T WANT TO SELL ME ANY. FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2006-02-23 02:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best Metaphor Ever!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-23 01:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit... That's Thorpe...
Shitshitshitshitshit...
My bad.
+2 then.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-23 01:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, aren't Saxon and Williamson both teenagers?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-02-23 01:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
teenage?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-02-23 01:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No offense, Saxon, but I don't need hints from a teenage Aussie... Besides you're from down under, shouldn't you like poopers more?
YES I KNOW IT WAS A SHITTY JOKE!
AND YES I KNOW THAT WAS A VERY BAD PUN, TOO!
Submitted by maxmouse (user info) at 2006-02-23 01:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uhm....less the cake peener it was a good read...
+2 for a cake well made
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-02-23 00:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon does enjoy vaginas, that's for sure!
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-02-23 00:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:24:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Saxon. If your goal is to make yourself desirable to every woman on Uber, I think you just achieved it.
Whatever, I thought it was lame. Although I'm not surprised you weirdos get off on baking analogies.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-23 00:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmm.....delicious hairy cake.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-23 00:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Were the pubes really necessary?
Bake ME a cake, loverboy.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-02-22 23:55:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My husband gets more action than the shower head, but he does work most nights until 1 am.
I get home at 10 and I can't wait that long.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-02-22 23:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Is that really some pubes? Eeewwww. And that is a ver thick cake penis, by the way. No way would that fit into an actual bajingo.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-22 23:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way this fits in with MistressFist's 'rape and cupcakes' thing.
Don't ask me how, it just does.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-02-22 23:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was getting a +2 for the (possibly inadvertant) Mos Def reference.
But the post was actually quite good.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-02-22 23:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hot
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:56:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:48:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Im beginning to think detachable shower heads get more action then most men.
*******************************
More action than me, that's for damn sure.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:40:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:28:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
'A clean nicely trimmed pussy is much more appealing then an unkempt feral specimen'
I couldn't agree with you more.
I'm horny now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You too?
Nice post ..... I need a shower now, good thing I have a detachable shower head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Im beginning to think detachable shower heads get more action then most men.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:46:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like cake!
It is so much better when the oven is so turned on that it is practically begging for well-prepared cake mix. I prefer vanilla bunt.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thecaes i am shocked. Man i am too old to be impressing most of the UBER gals. Besides there is only one UBER gal who's icing i want to taste.
Did i say that?
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:28:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
'A clean nicely trimmed pussy is much more appealing then an unkempt feral specimen'
I couldn't agree with you more.
I'm horny now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You too?
Nice post ..... I need a shower now, good thing I have a detachable shower head.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:23:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm stirring up some sugary glaze over here.
*******************************
Hahahahahahaa!
Oh Saxon. If your goal is to make yourself desirable to every woman on Uber, I think you just achieved it. Please get back to me with the exact number of Uber females who send you an email with the subject line, "Bake my cake" or some such thing.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-22 22:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about sandimus
User id: 24626
Registered on or around: 2006-01-12 15:38:03
# Messages posted: 2
# Reviews written: 11
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 28
# Hits: 788
Average rating of all messages: -1.11
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<sigh> life is just too hard for some asshats. Wazzamatter your mommy not give you the love and attention you needed? Go stain some more underwear to hide from your mommy.
Submitted by sandimus (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:58:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
women can have orgasms? tell me more oh wise sage of sexuality
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Old hippie that I am, the fuzzier the better :)
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-02-22 21:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not what I was expecting, but I liked it.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-02-22 20:47:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and remember, all this also applies to bitches (female dogs)
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:23:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm stirring up some sugary glaze over here.
SLUT! :P
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:28:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'A clean nicely trimmed pussy is much more appealing then an unkempt feral specimen'
I couldn't agree with you more.
I'm horny now.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anger he smiles, towering in shiny metallic purple armour.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:23:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm stirring up some sugary glaze over here.
What?
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:22:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I envy your future son, this is the best "birds and the bees" talk ever. But til then, remember, truck driver method doesn't work.
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Expecting...oops
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, from the title I was expexting something more sophmoric
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GO PEENER CAKE WOO!!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-22 19:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I like Latina chicks, their bajiners are bronzed fluffy pastry crusts, with a delicious creamy filling