Shamrock Open: Good Gracious Good Guinness (765 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by badassmofo (View user info) at 2006-02-22 23:03:24 EST
I don't know folks, I'm a little freaked out about St. Patrick's Day this year. I mean after last year I should probably just stay home. I'm not kidding man I'm fairly sure that either there is no way I could have as much fun as last year or that things might get a bit freakier. No matter how you look at it my heart...head...body...probably couldn't take it.
You see last year I went out with a few of the boys, my pal Steve and my brother in law Fields, that's his last name. I guess you could say that night was fun, because well, we had fun. And I suppose you could say that we got drunk because well...you can imagine. And I suppose you could say that we met some interesting people because it was a night that I could never forget.
Now before the tale I want you to understand, a little, the group that I ran with that night.
Steve is your classic suburban survivalist, coming equipped with $200 sleeping bag, 3 pair of hiking boots, and affliction for guns and constantly aware of what type of 'shit' might go down. You likely have a friend like him, probably a few tattoos and likes to drink beer out of cans.
Fields on the other hand is the staunch, 'I'll play older brother', responsible type. He's a good guy and he likes to have fun and he's big...which for some reason seems to come in handy when we get into situations.
So the boys and I are headed out, we're going to a pub that's a little out there, up around Mansfield County, called Kelley's. Now we've been to Kelley's once or twice but it's not one of our usual watering holes. But it was St. Paddy's right, and everyone is Irish on St. Paddy's Day...right?
Well we roll up to the joint around 7:30 or 8 and from outside it sounds like the place is jumping, sounds like a little 'Kiss me I'm Shitfaced' by the Dropkick Murphys and someone is making a hell of a fucking racket.
We roll in the door smooth as silk and take the place in, and to our surprise the place looks a little dead. All we see is a few chicks playing pool and about 12 guys whoopin it up with each other on the other side of the bar.
Of course Steve looks at the girls, looks at me, looks at the girls and does the little air hump in their general direction. I take another look at the girls and notice that one of them looks oddly familiar. I can't place her for some reason, so I ask Fields if he recognizes her.
"You know that chick man?"
"Um...dude...that's Shannon Doherty." He says matter of factly.
"Did we go to high school with her?" Steve asked, puzzled.
"NO MAN, Shannon Doherty...90210...Dylan....crooked eyes...you know the TV show"
"Fuck you!" I said. "There is no way that is fuckin Shannon Doherty of pasty white fame."
"I'm serious dude, you know me...I'm the TV guy."
I thought about it for a moment and Fields had a point I mean he is...the TV guy.
"Alright man, I need a drink" I said and we all shook heads in agreement and headed for the bar.
"Guinness"
"Guinness"
"Guinness"
Yes we like Guinness, well that and whiskey.
"AYE, Good gracious good Guinness!" Bellows from across the bar as one of the 12 or so guys raises a toast to us. It's always good for a bar to have that comrade type atmosphere, especially when you are 3 and they are 11 or 12, and you are really looking to get drunk.
So some time goes bye and we swap a few rounds with some of the other guys, Steve's made a few trips over to the pool table to dangle a little conversation on the ladies and me and Fields have been going pretty much shot for shot with the beers we've been drinking.
We meet a few of the guys on the other side of the bar, their all pretty short but stocky as all hell and their all wearing these holiday spirited t-shirts that say 'Leprechauns Local 483' which we thought was pretty funny and we inquired a few times as to where we could get one. Each of our queries were met with chuckles and general disregard, so we left it alone.
Things were rolling along and by now we're sitting with the boys, Pat MaGroin, Phil Mckracken and the rest and just having a ball. Steve's brought a few of the ladies over and he seems to be making headway with Shannon and everyone is having a good old time.
*WHAM* ...the door kicks in.
Everything stops and we all look towards the door, albeit with slightly impaired visions.
Well man, I shit you not, what came through that door was the strangest thing I've ever seen and before I could say anything Pat jumps up and screams...
"Look lads, it's those mother fucking Fairies!"
I'm thinking that was a little harsh of Pat, I mean what if they weren't gay.
"Hey Pat, you sure they're queer?" I asked.
"Not queer me boy, they be Fairies...you know floatin 'round...spell castin...fuckin Fairies"
Alright well that's a bit odd.
Then Phil speaks up.
"Aye, they be Fairies and we be Leprechauns and the shiite 'tis about to hit the fan boyo!"
So I look back at the Fairies, now let me tell you, these were no ordinary Fairies, these were Fairies with bad fucking attitudes. I'm talking leather jackets, tattoos, spike hairdos, and 5 o'clock shadows all around. Don't get me wrong, they still had the pink wings and carried wands, but I'm talking about little sticks with nails sticking out of them, hand turned pieces of steel, and the one Fairy's magic wand was a car antenna.
Immedialtely I look for Steve and Fields, I mean not only am I a little nervous about what the fuck is going on here but I'm also thinking that some shit's about to go down and I want to know where my boys are. Fields was no problem he was directly to my left in the next chair and Steve was standing by the pool table with a ball in each hand, ready to let loose. I told you Steve's always on about being ready.
I look back at Pat and he and his boys are lined up, riot patrol style in front of the bar now.
Oh yeah...this is going to happen.
Before you know it one of the Fairies, I'm assuming the leader as he had a few scantily clad Nymphs hanging about him, looks at Phil's cousin and spits right in his eye. Well not need for me to tell you but that was all it took.
Beer glasses are flying, Fairies are whizzing sparkly little spells about and it is all out chaos. I look at Pat and he's got one Fairy in a headlock and he's boot stomping another one. Phil looks to be ok as he's tossing Fairies at Fields who in turn is giving them back breakers and throwing them behind the bar.
Steve's got his arm cocked back with the 13 ball in his hand and just as he lets loose towards a Fairy with a 'I heart Mom' tattoo on his arm when Shannon Doherty steps in his line of fire.
Too late Steve's let loose and with a hollow *THUNK* the fucking ball beans her right in the head. I didn't have time to laugh, as I was defending my own self but I did make a mental note to remember to laugh about it later.
As I said I'm handling my business, I mean really they were only Fairies, of course I did get hit once with one of those random spells flying about and for about 2 minutes my left arm turned into a chicken wing, but I lead with my right so I hung in there.
Finally Pat gets to the leader of the Fairy gang and he's got him on the ground pleading for his life. Now you've all seen those scenes in the movie where the Captain of one roughneck squad has got the other to surrender and the rest kind of give up. Well that's pretty much how this went down. Once the Fairy surrendered the rest let loose their grips, picked up their boot straps and started licking their wounds.
It was a well fought battle, least ways by my new Leprechaun buddies it was. And as the last Fairy flittered out the door Phil and the boys were already settling back up to the bar.
I looked at Steve and Fields to make sure they were alright and also to see if I could get a little recognition from them that what just went down, actually went down. Fields nodded at me as he lit up a smoke and Steve gave me a wink as he helped Shannon up off the floor.
Funny thing is, when she stood up and looked my way I was 100% sure that little knock in her noggin had straightened her eyes right out. Bonus for her.
I pull up next to Phil and he slides me a Guinness.
"Good gracious good Guinness, aye boyo!"
What could I say?
"Good gracious good Guinness, Phil...Good fucking Guinness."
<><><><><><>
Me and the boys have been back to Kelly's a few times and we've run into Phil and the boys now and then and we always have a pretty good time, but things never...I mean never get out of hand like they did that night.
Oh and I forgot to mention, there were only ten of Phil's boys that night as it works out, plus me and my two boys....as far as the Fairies go...there were about 30...I'd say we handled our own fairly well.
So when you y'all head out for St. Patrick's Day this year and you're wondering where to head or who to hang with...look for the little guys, stocky build, most of with beards to some extent. They're the good guys man and they too like a taste of the old brown and lovely.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-02-27 08:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Had its funny moments. Sorry I wasn't able to get around to reading it earlier.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-02-23 19:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
im not going to spitefully drop your rating cause you gave me 1.5. you did a better job, thats all. nicely done.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-23 16:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was hoping for a picture of the ostrich who swallowed the pint glass
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-23 13:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this makes me need to call my friend jake a leprechaun for being a short stocky redheaded crazy fucker.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-02-23 12:47:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
both of these struggled, yours not because of a lack of action, but more for a lack of writing/proofreading abilities. you change verb tenses a lot, sometimes even mid paragraph, which makes the story difficult to read at times. also, i really had a hard time seeing this "mythical" aspect that seemed to come out of no where...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good enough. I laughed.
Its far too early for me to be getting all teary eyed about all the Guinness I'm going to be drinking while watching the homosexuals and the local police dog brigade marching down my street. Accompanied by high school marching band music...
What caes said, but those small issues didnt really impact this enough to make me dock it at all.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well not need for me to tell you but that was all it took. "
That is one example of where phrasing made this cumbersome to read at times but it was still awsome
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad I'm not the only one to notice the crooked eyes on her. It's funny how she thinks tilting her head in pictures will hide it.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Great.
Grand.
NO YELLING ON THE BUS!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:01:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good but flawed. Caes had it right.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-02-23 08:19:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna have to agree with TheCeas on the run-on sentences. But it was +2 worthy I think.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-02-23 08:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 boyo!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-02-23 07:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fair and accurate assesment ceas.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-23 07:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-02-23 07:27:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I rarely do this, but I'm gonna have to 1.5 you. I like the concept with the leprachauns and the faeries...and, uh, Shannon Doherty. But I think you could have played up the comedic aspect of the brawl a little more, and some of your sentences ran on.
Otherwise, pretty good.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-23 07:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
I'm slightly worried that this is what my St. Patty's Day is going to resemble. Ah well, Kegs-n-Eggs here I come!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-02-23 00:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
§
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-02-22 23:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
made me laugh. good job.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-22 23:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<Walks away giggling like a school girl with her first bra>
hehehehehehe.