At the end of the world, zombies aren't always the enemy (1526 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: zombie uberbook
Rating: 1.94 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-02-23 07:44:47 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82578
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82892
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82945
Part 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82996
Part 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83134
Part 6: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83196
Part 7: http://www.ubersite.com/m/83306
Part 8: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84278 <- Dream intermission
---
As suddenly as they had started, the screams stopped. There was a haunting silence left in the room. Unless you count the groans from the zombies a floor below me outside the window. Which I didn't anymore.
I swung my legs out from the bed and pulled my jeans on quickly, running for the door. I grabbed one of the many, homemade weapons that were scattered all over the building, this one being a sharpened broom handle with nails hammered through most of it.
Worried for Jo, I pulled the door open hard and sprinted out into the corridor. Well I nearly did.
Instead my legs carried on while my head slammed into the bottom of a frying pan. Knocked to the floor, I rolled around holding my forehead which I was sure was broken.
Or at least fractured.
Can you fracture your forehead?
If you can, I'm sure I did.
And if you can't, patent pending.
I rolled back over when my vision was back to being steady and looked up, expecting to see either Laurel or Hardy dressed a chef. Instead I saw Jo looking very shocked.
"What the hell was that for?" I whined. "I've not pestered you for sex for days!" It was true. And I was proud.
"Sorry." She said, dropping the frying pan, hopefully through shock. The handle of the pan found my crotch. "Sorry again."
I let out a yelp of pain, sitting up fast. Jo helped me to my feet.
"Why the hell did you hit me?" I could already feel a slight bump forming on my head.
"I was worried."
"Well I hope I helped."
"Why were you screaming?"
I looked at Jo, who just looked back me, concern still in her eyes.
"I wasn't. The screaming woke me up."
"It was you, for definite." Jo put a comforting hand on my arm. "I've heard you scream before. Remember that time in Marwell Zoo, in the butterfly house?"
Of course I remembered it. Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to gather the most evil creatures in existence and put them all in one place together? Whoever it was, was a fucking idiot.
"Maybe it was just a bad dream." Jo suggested. I could still remember every detail of it. I still wasn't sure if it was a bad dream or just a weird one.
Behind Jo a small group of people had gathered in the hallway. It seemed that it had almost definitely been me screaming. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but I didn't need to, because then I caught Adams' eye.
"Getting beaten up by a girl?" Adams' said. The hatred between us had grown at an incredible rate over the weeks.
I still hadn't found out what he was doing here exactly, but I knew it was to do with me. And I knew he was after Jo.
Two of his clique were stood around him and snorted with laughter.
"Sorry you three. Did my screaming interrupt your orgy?"
"Don't you have cat piss to clear up?" Adams seemed to be growling the words.
"Trying to cover up your body odour?"
Adams advanced towards me. There was no way I was going to back down.
"You looking for some shit to go down, boy?" I didn't quite know what he was asking.
"Fuck you, Adams. I could bench press your mum." I really had no idea what the hell I was on about.
Thankfully everyone else stepped in before things got turn ugly. Or more stupid. Jo and Andy got in front of me, while a few more neutral people blocked off Adams.
"One of these days..." Adams nodded towards me, and then he and his two friends walked back out of the flat. Everyone breathed a sigh.
---
Jo's university housing was made up of a number of flats, housing five, six or seven rooms and a kitchen. All in all there were 260 bedrooms, and between less than fifty people that left a lot of free space.
Most people had grouped together in the furthest bottom corner from the entrance, while Adams, his group of friends and a few others had scattered themselves about all over the place.
We had also managed to get more then fifty cats living in the halls, who had their own flat, as far from ours as we could get. This basically meant that they could piss and shit everywhere, and every once in a while someone would go in and gather up any fresh piss for weapons. It was the only effective chemical that we had a decent supply of that would work against the zombies.
A lot of the students weren't left, and so their rooms had been raided and weapons had been made with whatever it was we could find that would be mildly useful if and when the situation should arise.
My dream had made me think that the situation would probably arise soon.
---
After things had calmed down, I decided I needed some fresh air. Unless you were going on a food run (which were getting increasingly dangerous, as we had to travel further after clearing out the two supermarkets in the immediate area) the only other time you could really get outside would be up on the roof of the blocks, so I travelled up there.
Dotted at various spots along the roof were larger weapons that had been made more carefully. They mainly things like harpoon type weapons and very heavy objects, both of which we could pull back up to use again.
Sat on the edge, holding another sharpened broom-handle (this one without nails) was one of my friends in the building, Martin.
"How goes the hunting, Martin?" I wondered over and sat next to him, our legs hanging over the edge of the building. I felt so brave.
"I'm getting better."
"Show me."
Martin held the weapon high over his shoulder, much like a javelin. I watched his eyes scan around carefully. I'm not sure what he was aiming for, as it was packed full of zombies down there. Just throw it and hope. That was the school of training for Nath's Certified Zombie Hunters.
The concentration on Martin's face seemed painful. Then suddenly he let out a war cry, as he threw the handle.
"DIE MUM!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. I looked down at the ground. The spiked end had gone clean through the skull of a female zombie who looked like she might have once been attractive.
"Holy shit, Martin!" I didn't know what to think. "Was that really your mum?"
"No." He started pulling the wire that was attached to the end of the handle. It slowly slid out of the dead body, which had just descended to another level of dead. "She just looked most like her."
"Why do you want to kill your mum?"
"She took away my fish tank when I was younger."
"Harsh." I didn't know what else to say.
---
The next day Gregg and Andy were out on a food run, which basically involved getting out of the building as safely as possible (second floor window on the building next to ours and running), getting as much food as was feasible to carry and then get back in as safely as possible.
I was on lookout duty from the ground floor, just in case anything should go wrong, while Julie and Martin were on lookout from the roof.
Stood on the ground floor, on one side of the door, I held up my business card and pointed to it, while smiling at the zombies.
I figured just because they had lost all bodily functions besides digestion and motor, didn't mean they couldn't feel fear when they knew I was about.
Not that it put them off pressing up against the window with their faces like those people on the special buses.
"I told you one of these days." Adams stepped out from the reception office that was around the corner. "Didn't I?"
"Yeah, you said it yesterday before storming off like a little girl."
"I think you and me got unfinished business." Adams looked at me. I remembered back to when we had first met. I hadn't liked him then, but now he had changed a lot, for the worse.
"Is now really the time and the place?" I was a bit more worried about showing off my new business cards to the zombies outside and waiting for the return of Andy and Gregg.
"Why? You on your period."
I began laughing really loudly and really obviously. "That's funny!" I bellowed at him. "Because that implies that I'm a girl!" He looked slightly on edge. "When I'm not at all!" I picked up the volume of the laughing, stepping towards Adams, not blinking at all.
"Shut up, boy."
I swung hard and fast, catching him clean on the jaw. Instantly I stopped laughing. Adams staggered backwards, tripped and then fell against the wall. He looked up at me in shock.
"I'm sick of you calling me boy."
"You're a fucking lunatic!" He screamed, scrabbling to his feet and charging me. I decided to try something a bit fancier and attempted a back spinning roundhouse kick.
The kick completely missed, but when I spun I also avoided the charge from Adams who skidded to a stop by the doors. "You give my profession a bad name." I said to him, hoping he would think I had just spun out of the way.
"Your profession?" Adams clenched his fists. "What, fucking up and getting lucky?"
"Don't make me show you my card." Adams charged at me again. This time I ducked down and caught him around the waist, picked him up and charged with him into the wall. All the time he was pounding on my back with his heavy fists.
"Those fucking cards." This was followed by a head-butt right on the bump that had formed from the frying pan incident. "They just make you pathetic."
Stumbling I swung a left fist at Adams, catching him just under the chin, flicking his head back into the wall. Flicking his head forwards again he spat a load of blood into my face.
"You're just jealous of my design skills." I wiped as much of the blood as I could from my face and eyes. "Why don't you become a nanny or something?"
I followed this up with a knee to his sack. Followed by another and another. All in all I kneed him six times straight in the bollocks, leaving him doubled over and gasping for air.
"Cheap motherfucker." He gasped. Adrenaline must have buzzed through him, as he suddenly shot forwards, picked up around the waist much like I had done with him and charged. Except instead of slamming me into a wall, the dumb bastard just charged into the front doors, full steam.
The doors rocked hard, but stayed in place, but it took a lot out of me. Adams just dropped me to the ground and walked over to where the small stockpile of weapons for the lobby was kept.
I struggled to get to my feet, just as he came at me with a metal baseball bat. Remembering everything I had learnt in cadets, I ducked and covered, seconds before the baseball bat would have easily caved my skull in.
Instead it shattered the entire front door.
Instantly arms were reaching in, desperate to get a grip on human flesh.
Adams turned and bolted as fast as he could.
Their patience had paid off.
The zombies were finally in the building.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 07:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a huge forehead which I love
I am certain you can fracture it
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh roundhouse.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-03-29 02:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
god this series is just the shit man.
keep it up.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-21 02:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more...
damnit man.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-21 01:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or at least fractured.
Can you fracture your forehead?
If you can, I'm sure I did.
And if you can't, patent pending.
----------------------------------
Ahahahah
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-15 17:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-02-23 23:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-02-23 14:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nath, you should just "label" all the posts in your zombie series, and then instead of having to link the entire table of contents you could just link your label.
http://www.ubersite.com/u/Razor/l/zombie
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-23 13:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY! It's my Überversary.
Have a +2
Submitted by drivebyasshole (user info) at 2006-02-23 13:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Why do you want to kill your mum?"
"She took away my fish tank when I was younger."
"Harsh." I didn't know what else to say.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-23 11:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-02-23 11:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have teh ghey aidz with you.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-23 11:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:20:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Defintitely my favourite series of random zombieness
-------
Seconded.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do worry that Adams is based on a real person at Jo's University. If he is, it is only a matter of time before he seduces Jo, which leaves you no alternative.
You must kill him.
After all, you and Jo are meant to be together, so if she sleeps with him it's rape. I think we can all agree that you'd be perfectly justified in murdering a rapist. Particularly if you did it before he claimed his victim.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JOMBY!!!
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-02-23 10:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pwesome
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A bit more serious than usual. Still good.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Defintitely my favourite series of random zombieness.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-23 09:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, a bj and a cone of chips.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-23 08:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool man.