My trip to hell and my parents were there (1010 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.62 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by skalors1 (View user info) at 2006-02-24 10:58:26 EST
So my parents came to visit this past weekend. The visit was relatively short, when compared to others, yet, I find myself completely exhausted after the ordeal. I wish I could tell you folks that the reason for my weariness is inexplicable; unfortunately I cannot.
First, let me give you a little background on my parents, and then we can delve right into the weekend. My father, God Bless his heart, is a retired welding engineer who worked for Chrysler for over a third of a century. He is unbearably opinionated and his racist remarks have insulted my sensibilities more then once. He once scolded me for giving a quarter to a 10 year-old black girl so she could buy a gum-ball at Home Depot. You must keep in mind that I was almost 25 years old when this occurred, and it was my fucking quarter. My mother, whom I love dearly, is a retired nurse who was forced out of her profession due to a horrible case of osteoarthritis afflicting her knees at the tender age of 44. The insurance won't cover any operations until she is 63, so that means she has spent the past 13 years in pain every time she takes a step. She has, in my opinion, an addiction to pain medication, which is understandable given the circumstances, and she can only make one trip up, or down, the stairs a day. Unfortunately, my apartment is at the top of a very large set of stairs. So that means when we go out, we stay out, and we come home, we stay home.
This past weekend was the first weekend that my parents were going to meet my future fiancées parents. I was a little concerned about this meeting; my girlfriend's father and my father are two completely different animals. I will have to admit that it would have come to no surprise to anybody if I was found in my shower, curled into the fetal position, crying and shaking like a faggot eating a corndog. I really was that nervous. Granted, this was not the first time my parents have met other girlfriends parents, but they were all sluts and definitely not women I would ever consider spending the rest of my life with. Except for that one Asian, but she was still a slut.
In the end, my fears were never realized, and my parents got along quite well, if you ignore the fact that my girlfriend's father doesn't drink and my father, over the period of 3 hours at a restaurant, was slurring more and more words at a rate that would have impressed my fraternity brothers. The night left me relatively satisfied, and with a $264 tab that I will inevitably turn tricks to pay off. I would have liked some Xantax, but I survived without. That was Friday night. I was ok.
Saturday was even longer. My mother decided that she wanted to go shopping at 10 in the morning. No big deal there, right? Wrong. She wanted to go outlet mall shopping. Now, I live in Colorado, and there aren't a whole lot of outlet malls within a 30 minute, or even an hour, drive from me. Nevertheless we went. We actually went to three of them. We spent 8 hours shopping, 5 of which were spent driving and listening to the soundtracks from Cats, Annie and the Sound of Music. I wanted to take a power drill to my head. We eventually made it home, my mom took a pain pill, I took them out to eat again, my dad got drunk and lectured me about how to do my job, we went home, and then they had sex on my bed while I played Halo 2 on my new 54 inch plasma TV. I was beginning to hate life.
It is now Sunday. We started our day by going to church, which was too far away for my parents and they spent the rest of their visit "subtly" reminding me of that fact. They even told my girlfriend's parents that evening when we got together again. The service was nice, but of course my mom knit-picked my church because it simply wasn't good enough for her. I am sorry if my church doesn't have 5 minute sermons and an hour of tradition mom. I will remember that next time I am visiting you in Michigan and I have to sing hymns to music that closely resembles the sound of my farts. I will just notify you, and the rest of the neighborhood, that I will be conducting service, in an attempt to compete with the one local church in your butt-ass-backwards retirement community, in your front yard; I will eat a can of beans an hour beforehand and hold a megaphone up to my ass while singing Kumbaya. Try to find fault in that service mom.
After that, we went out to have "brunch," where my parents informed me that I filed my taxes wrong (I will let my CPA know guys) and then I had my girlfriend and her parents over to my apartment where we proceeded to play Dominoes, double twelve of course, for the next 6 hours. During that time we played a total of 10 different games, 9 of which required playing with double nine dominoes. What did we do? Pick a different game right? Fuck no, that would be intelligent, instead we modified the rules and spent the whole game realizing that the rules were fucked up. I took out my frustrations on Halo 2 and went to bed around 3. I am sure my parents shagged on my bed again. I need to wash those sheets.
On Monday I went to work at 6 am so I could leave at 10 to spend some more time with my parents before they left. I was being a good son. The day was spent, mostly, in conversation with my parents and with a bottle of Grey Goose which was ingeniously concealed within a glass of orange juice. You guys should try this sometime; I have even given it a name: screwdriver. Their lectures and pointed comments were more bearable inebriated. I am sure my dad knew I was lit; I don't drink that often. My mom was as clueless as she was during that snow day when my brother and I got liquored up on whiskey they had in the closet and went snowmobiling. I was stupid and fourteen. However, I will never forget her comment the next morning when I woke up. "How are you feeling? I don't understand how you got so sick last night. One minute you and your brother are bouncing off the walls, laughing, and then the next second you're puking." The subject was dropped after a piercing look from my father. Needless to say, I passed out playing Halo 2 and I didn't give two-shits that my parents were shagging on my bed.
I need to get laid. However, that is a post for another day.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by skalors (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:16:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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wow, you're wasted a promising start around here.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-02-24 16:00:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like a VERY patient person!
Can't your mom get a wheelchair? Wouldn't help with the stairs but it would make moving around a lot easier....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-24 15:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nie storytelling style, I liked it.
Good first post.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-24 15:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've only got as far as...
"He once scolded me for giving a quarter to a 10 year-old black girl so she could buy a gum-ball at Home Depot. You must keep in mind that I was almost 25 years old when this occurred, and it was my fucking quarter."
..but that's a +2 if ever I saw one.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-02-24 14:33:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy +2. My mom is the same fucking way with church! Ugh, so I'm marrying a Jew and when we say grace we say a Hebrew prayer and then "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub Yay God!" BFD! That's not Christian enough for my mom or my neo brother! UGH.
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-24 14:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain, everyones parents are crazy
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:07:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I was hoping for a story involving rape.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great first story.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:05:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff, hope you recover well.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
certainly not horrible.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
TL
Sorry. Appendage Deficient.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:46:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:43:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Be happy for your folks. They seem to fuck a lot for a cripple and a drunk.
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Hey now, just because someone is a cripple doesn't mean they can't get their shag on. Take it from me!
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Be happy for your folks. They seem to fuck a lot for a cripple and a drunk.
Submitted by skalors (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell does Shizen mean?
Submitted by skalors (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I indeed was being facetious.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:35:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoyable
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Subject matter was potentially shizen, but you made it work. Good job.
Welcome to Uber!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some words just look funny.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Point taken. It's cool on the spelling front, it took me about half an hour to work out if I'd spelt 'cantankerous' correctly earlier. It still doesn't look right either!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*facetious*
Jesus I can't spell today.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:22:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
You didn't invent the term screwdriver. Not bad though.
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I'm pretty sure he was being factious.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You didn't invent the term screwdriver. Not bad though.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody's parents are crazy. It's best just to be at one with it. That and be glad they don't like in the same state you do.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You didn't invent the term screwdriver. Not bad though.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:21:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome first post.
Please stick around. We need more writers like you on this site.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:11:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're = your
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:10:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great first post. Welcome.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-02-24 11:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're parents sound a lot like mine. I hope I was supposed to laugh, because I did.