The Chronicles of the Shiner (1988 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mick"I am the corned beef in a jew sammich"Ginny (View user info) at 2006-02-24 12:04:11 EST
There comes a time in every boys life when he realizes that the only way to be a shining star is to get your dick knocked in the dirt. The other night while warming up for a snowball game my son got hit in the eye when he turned away for a split moment then turned back into the seams of the baseball. It was instantly apparent that this was going to be a shiner and the next day he was overjoyed to see that It was a good one, real good> Bloody eye killer puff and the most exquisite shades of black and blue.
Little boys love to get shiners, well they don't love it when it happens but afterwards they cross their fingers and hope that they did not suffer in vain. They hope for the most grotesquely hideous and shocking shiner to appear. Some boys can hardly sleep in anticipation of morning to see what the shiner fairy has brought them.
At school you instantly become a celebrity. Basking in the glory of the shiner. Everyone that sees you is compelled to ask what happened and you can proudly tell them the story of the shiner. After the game his assistant coach told him to tell everyone he got it in a barfight. He told some people the truth but most people he made up some crazy story for shock value.
The great thing about a boy and his shiner is that after the celebrity dies off at school, he can go anywhere and instantly renew his celebrity status. Last night at his basketball game a lady came up to me who I did not know and told me I should have a talk with my son. Apparently he was telling his coaches and team mates that he had eye cancer. I laughed but she didn't think it was funny. It seems that her grandson, one of my sons teammates had an uncle in the hospital with terminal cancer.
When my brother and I were grown and out of the house, my mother decided to go through the boxes of pictures she collected over the years. She discovered that for 6 consecutive years my brother was wearing at least one shiner in his school pictures. I can only imagine what kind of fucking superstar status he retained at school. There were two school pictures where he had double shiners. As if transforming back into a ten year old boy, he proudly recalled the two incidents that resulted in these magnificent displays of recklessness. One double shiner was administered by a pole that he hit square in the forehead after being ejected from his skateboard screaming down one of California's many water diversion systems and the other was also attained in a water diversion system but this time he did a face plant on the concrete when the shopping cart he was riding in went end for end.
I had my share of shiners, but my brother far out-shined me. The most horrific shiner I can recall was when I began attending a new school in the middle of fourth grade. There was a kid that everyone referred to as tadpole. I thought it was an odd name but he responded to it. On my second day of school I said something like "hey tadpole what's up" as we were passing. Tadpole who was a tiny little kid, almost half my size, curled up his fist and punched me IN the eye. His fist was like a tiny rock. It felt like my eyeball bounced off the back of my head then shot back into the socket. The resulting shiner progressed from swollen shut- to a blood red eye squinting through a split racquetball- to possessing hues of blue black green red and even a hint of yellow. Apparently, tadpole did NOT like his nickname and I assume he decided to take a stand with the new kid. I never asked.
Feel free to share your finest shiner story in a review.
MickGinny
User Reviews
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-25 23:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-02-24 14:22:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
http://www.ci.pittsburg.ca.us/pittsburg/
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So there's an Oakland in pittsburgh and a Pittsburg in California. Wierd.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2006-02-24 22:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-24 17:32:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
I remember the first time I read James Ellroy, it took me ages to work out that a "shiner" was a racial slur on black people.
it was a revelation, reading about people acting that way when I was so young. it made a deep impression on me, and although I didn't bother to read your post because, frankly, I don't care about you, seeing that word brought back some old memories of reading a book immersed in hate.
__________________________
you dont care about me? why? i care about you fella. i care deeply. by the by, who the fuck are you?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-24 17:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I remember the first time I read James Ellroy, it took me ages to work out that a "shiner" was a racial slur on black people.
it was a revelation, reading about people acting that way when I was so young. it made a deep impression on me, and although I didn't bother to read your post because, frankly, I don't care about you, seeing that word brought back some old memories of reading a book immersed in hate.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-02-24 15:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never been hit in the face hard enough to result in a bruise.
However, I ran into someone's backswing once when I was a little kid and caught a nosefull of baseball bat.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-02-24 15:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I also got a shiner when I was 16 and in a moonwalk jumpy thing for my friends bday, and a midget girl knee-ed me in the eye. They called me black eyed barbie. :~(
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-02-24 15:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I got a shiner when I was four and eye level to the door knob. Damn my older brothers.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-02-24 14:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I honestly want to punch myself in the eye right now.
My first black eye was from running into the corner of a table.
Second was from a fight with a friend.
Third was a racquetball mishap.
I want one now.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-02-24 14:22:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
http://www.ci.pittsburg.ca.us/pittsburg/
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-24 14:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pittsburgh CA?
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-02-24 13:58:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
age 14, Norwich, Connecticut...2nd week in a new school...I had apparently been talking with the 'wrong girl' and her 'boyfriend' was not happy about it. Full can of pepsi to my face, full speed and unopened. 16 sticheds over the eye and a beautiful purple shiner. I'm not sure if he ever got a shiner, I broke his nose with a peice of asphalt and we moved about 3 days later.
Age 16 maybe, Pittsburg, CA...1st DAY in a new school....Gym class, basketball...for a white guy I play awesom defense....pissed off moolies an elbow to the face....stitches under the same eye this time...well that and then some.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-24 13:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
puck in the nose playing pond hockey when I was about 11. two glorious black, yellow, and purple eyes.
Submitted by 0rion (user info) at 2006-02-24 13:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure that I've had a shiner before but i can't remember any details.
Several years ago, when i was just a kid, my little brother got some sort of insect bite around his eye. Throughout the next couple of days it had swollen shut and turned quite purple. I don't know if that counts. There are a couple other stories involving my brother, me, rocks and severe head bleeding but no shiners.
One time a few years ago my family was preparing to go camping. Everything was packed up and my little sister who was about 4 years old was about to hop into the van. She somehow tripped and smashed her face on the edge of the inside of the van. Her nose was pretty huge and she had a big purple shiner under each eye. After the pain went away she thought they looked nice, asking everybody "You like my pretty purple eyes?"
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-02-24 13:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My friends and I used to play football on the fields at the high school. We were mulling around, throwing the football, waiting for everyone to show up. My friend launched one towards a group of us from 30 yards away. It was going to tear right through the group so he yelled "Heads up!", Naturally I turned around and looked up just as it hit me in the face. I got the point right in the eye. Pretty vicious.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-24 13:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never been hit in the face with a baseball but once one took a fucked up bounce off the lip of the grass and dirt and hit me square on the top of the head (I was bent over in fielding position). That hurt. Another time when I was pitching I hit a kid in the lips with a fastball. Not in the mouth mind you, when it hit him his face was pointed at the plate kinda so it just hit his lips. Blood all over the place.
I'm telling you this to make up for the fact that I've never once had a black eye. I know, I know, I'm not a man etc etc.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2006-02-24 13:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There are some kick ass shiner stories in just these few reviews...can it get better? is someone in uberland sitting on the most awesome shiner tale?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was fighting with my much older and much larger brother. I was using a wiffle ball bat, the hard kind, so he picked up my little sisters Cabbage Patch doll and started swinging it around like a fucking nunchuk (sp?)
Right in the eye with the hard plastic head of the thing. I'm not sure what the speed on the thing was at the leading edge, but it was making that whistling noise as it cut through the air right before it impacted
That one spread from about halfway down my forehead, across the eye and halfway down my cheek. Loosened a tooth and my eye was swollen shut for three days.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to play hard-core, fast-pitch softball. Well, I played 1st base and forgot my sunglasses one day. Bad mistake. Practice was proceeding as normal, but when I turned to the 2nd baseman to catch the ball, it got lost in the sun and found itself hitting me right between the eyes at full fast-pitch speed. I remember grabbing my face and screaming. Ambulance's showed up out of nowhere. I found out later that the reason they came was because the other teams said they heard my scream 5 full fields away and thought someone had been killed. What resulted was 2 shiners, with all the colors of the rainbow, a nose that swelled to double it's size, and eyes that I couldn't open for a couple of days. God I love softball :)
Moral of the story: when the coach tells you to always keep your glove up, keep your damn glove up.
Submitted by ThatsGodToYouBitches (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was younger my older brother caught a baseball to the eye. His eye was swollen shut, black and blue and had 6 stitches. I'd never seen him so happy.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I recall Buckwheat getting a 'white eye' in several episodes of the Little Rascals.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shiners, also called a 'mouse' when i was kid, were certainly a badge of honor. It was a temporary tatoo. Good piece.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rugby game, tackling another guy, boom, his elbow into my eye socket. Xrays, hairline fracture of my cheekbone, shiner for over a month.
Backyard game of cricket, I got an edge straight into my face. Rock hard cricket ball makes for a beautiful shiner.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:19:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
I told a guy that he was "the biggest cunt I had ever met and as far as I was concerned the world would be a better place if he died"
POW
Knocked flat on my ass.
worth it though, Id been waiting years to say that.
_______________________
quite liberating isnt it...
it is the shiners that bind us.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:19:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I told a guy that he was "the biggest cunt I had ever met and as far as I was concerned the world would be a better place if he died"
POW
Knocked flat on my ass.
worth it though, Id been waiting years to say that.
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-02-24 12:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My story is not nearly as interesting since I wasn't old enough to remember. When I was around 2 I tried going down the basement stairs forward instead of backward(like I usually did). It was the only time I've had a black eye. Got a good picture of me on Easter sunday with a big ol shiner though.