No, Grandpa, No! (1321 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.63 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chris Parthemos <goferforhire.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-02-26 00:25:22 EST
There comes a time in every young man's life, for me around the age of seventeen, when they are finally granted access to their steed, their charger- their official pimp-mobile. Or, in my case, they just get saddled with their grandfather's heavily used Pontiac. This was a real bone of contention for me, since my friends all got high quality suvs and Mercedes... God, I hate public school.
Anyway, I was determined to get as much mileage out of the old slab o shit as I could before it collapsed and sank into the earth. Honestly, when I first got the thing, it had been sitting around so long that we had to literally scrape the leaves out from under the hood so the car would run... and there was a freaking snake in the back seat. No joke, it was just there, and I had to throw it out the window... it was just a little green snake, but what the hell?
So I took the beast out on it's christening voyage, a first date with a girl I'll call Claire. As I mentioned, there are a lot of rich people at my school, and Claire was no exception- as I pulled in I passed the three ponies that are her exclusive property, as well as the 9 dogs... yea. So she wasn't so happy to be picked up in a car that looked and smelled like it had been buried under a pile of naked old people for a good 3 years. She took it well, though. She was a trooper.
The trouble came on the way home. It had been a reasonably successful occasion, I thought. I can be relatively smooth when I try, but I wasn't who I am today in those days. Anyway, I asked her to get my gloves out of the glove compartment (yes, I'm that big of a dork to keep them there), and as she rummaged through the crap that my grandparents had filled the damn thing with, and suddenly I heard a squeal- not a "oh my gosh this is so cool" or a "he did what" but a "holy crap this is horrible" squeal. I didn't want to ask, but I had to.
Me: What's wrong?
Her: Why the hell is this in your car?
Me: You didn't find my gloves? (smooth)
Her: This is disgusting!
Me: What are you talking about?
Her: Did you think we were going to use this?
Me: I have no clue what you're saying.
Her: Don't even fucking talk to me. You're disgusting.
I was justifiably confused. She was silent the rest of the way home, and I didn't try to mess with that. When she finally stormed back into her home and slammed the door, I peeked into the glove compartment, to see what it was that distressed her. I only saw one thing in there- a little blue bottle marked "Ling's sensual massage lotion." Why grandpa? Why?
*Author's note- I did not, in fact, ever get to use my grandfather's massage oil. I just threw that shit away. My friends refer to it as "Ling's Magic Cockblock Potion." I hate them so much.
User Reviews
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-06-20 03:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-12 00:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, nasty town.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-03-17 01:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading the unfair, unmendable bullshit happenings that shoot people's lives to shit just makes me want to kill. That's messed up, man. I've heard worse, of course, but that's just wrong.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-03-17 00:23:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-27 12:19:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I think Weird Al did a song about your Grandpa.
Last night I was surfing on the internet
Speeding through cyber space (you've got mail)
I was in a chatroom, wound up in an adult site
Oh my god I recognize that face
Grandpa he's a pornstar
He's an internet cyber stud
Grandpa he's a pornstar
Check out his little butt
He's on Geritol
He's shooting blanks, 88 years old (oh)
Look he's fallen and he can't get up
Can't get it up, get down
With your bad self
Find a trapeez, no BVDs
Crack that whip
Don't break a hip
Check out his funky hip gyration
He must be taking his medication
Grandpa's so hot he smokes
If he keeps it up he'll have a stroke
Grandpa he's a pornstar
He's an internet cyber stud
Grandpa he's a pornstar
Check out his little butt
He's on Geritol
Laced with viagra, he's 80 years old (oh)
=========================================
That wasn't Weird Al, it was this internet rando called "Ashton Powers". But it was still a good song. I got detention for singing it in class back in the late '90s.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-02-27 18:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
and what would she have found
if you'd asked her to rummage around UNDER the SEAT??
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-27 18:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:08:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Ling's Magic Cockblock Potion."
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-27 12:35:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha. always clean a used car out. especially when it was used by a dirty old man.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-02-27 12:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My friends refer to it as "Ling's Magic Cockblock Potion." I hate them so much.
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haha, your friends got you a +2 on this.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-27 12:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I think Weird Al did a song about your Grandpa.
Last night I was surfing on the internet
Speeding through cyber space (you've got mail)
I was in a chatroom, wound up in an adult site
Oh my god I recognize that face
Grandpa he's a pornstar
He's an internet cyber stud
Grandpa he's a pornstar
Check out his little butt
He's on Geritol
He's shooting blanks, 88 years old (oh)
Look he's fallen and he can't get up
Can't get it up, get down
With your bad self
Find a trapeez, no BVDs
Crack that whip
Don't break a hip
Check out his funky hip gyration
He must be taking his medication
Grandpa's so hot he smokes
If he keeps it up he'll have a stroke
Grandpa he's a pornstar
He's an internet cyber stud
Grandpa he's a pornstar
Check out his little butt
He's on Geritol
Laced with viagra, he's 80 years old (oh)
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Ling's Magic Cockblock Potion."
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-26 09:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She was a prude anyway. You're better off without her.
Oh who am I kidding? She was totally going to suck your dick on the second date.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-02-26 04:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're close. Keep writing.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-02-26 03:06:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-26 02:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My friends refer to it as "Ling's Magic Cockblock Potion."
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-26 02:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Ling's Magic Cockblock Potion."
Submitted by SiddleyHawker (user info) at 2006-02-26 01:37:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and there was a freaking snake in the back seat. No joke, it was just there, and I had to throw it out the window... it was just a little green snake, but what the hell?
So she wasn't so happy to be picked up in a car that looked and smelled like it had been buried under a pile of naked old people for a good 3 years. She took it well, though. She was a trooper.
+2 for both those lines
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-02-26 01:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I figured she found condoms in the glove compartment.
Get it? Gloves? Love-gloves? "Glove-Compartment?"
Then it was the oil. Still good though. Much better than the last piece I read from you.
Keep it up.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-02-26 01:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"buried under a pile of naked old people"
STOP PEAKING INTO MY DREAMS!!!
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-26 00:48:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gramps was a pimp! woooo go Gramps!
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-02-26 00:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ling's sensual massage lotion." Why grandpa? Why?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-26 00:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sounds like she's a prude.
i mean, what's wrong with having massage oil in the glove compartment?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-26 00:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ling's Magic Cockblock Potion." I hate them so much.
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I laughed out loud at this. And the part about the pile of naked old people.
+2 cockblock sympathy.