Janis. She killed stuff. (1774 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.97 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-02-26 08:04:34 EST
The first time Janis bought home a snake, her people petted her and told her she was a good kitty. Janis was pleased by this positive attention and bought home another snake the next day - not a big snake, just a baby brown snake, but she chewed off its head and dropped it on the welcome mat where the Large Female person could conveniently step on it on her way to the car in the morning.
The response was, this time, not so positive. The Large Female person screamed and jumped around in a humorous fashion, making her Dropped Something On My Toes noises. The people sat with Janis and told her firmly that she was not to bring home snakes anymore - that she was, in fact, a Bad Cat.
Janis was understandably saddened by the lack of appreciation. Perhaps, she thought as she stalked a small bright bird that had never done anything cruel to anyone and was wholly undeserving of what was about to happen to it, they would like a snake that moved. Moving things were a lot more fun than Not Moving things.
The dugite curled up behind the heater as soon as Janis dragged it inside just before bedtime. She was satisfied that they'd find it there - it was the first place they looked in the mornings.
Happily, it was the Large Male person that found the gift. He screamed like a bird having its wing torn off and jumped onto the couch. The Small People ran around in circles, shrieking, and the Large Female ran to get a shovel.
Janis watched them happily from her perch on the bookshelf. They were having so much FUN.
__________
She was evil, but I loved her. The way I see it, her effect on the local bird population was overall very positive - she prevented any birds stupid enough to be caught by a sterilized overfed housecat wearing two bells and hunting in the middle of the day from passing their retardation onto their offspring.
We have some very smart birds around here now.
She slept inside at night and she snored like a boxer with a broken nose.
She played hide and seek with the babies. Actually, I think she was playing "You look like food, tiny human" but they didn't know, so it's ok.
She was cold death on four legs, but so damned cute that it was easy to forget that we'd hidden in caves from her ancestors.
I was going to write a poem for her, right, but there's only so much you can do with "Dear kitty who we loved, I'm sorry I ran over your head." Actually, head and dead rhyme, but I'm not going there.
Sorry, Janis.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2007-04-20 23:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks. I'm not a cat person, even though I'm always ending up with kittens to rehome from random strangers. If I come across another kittne with an evil soul, I will let you know. Unfortunately I just homed the last of my evil stock, Teh Sweetness, and she's busy terrorizing my best friend.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-20 22:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"We have some very smart birds around here now."
brilliant
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, I'm torn.
This made me laugh tears.. but you killed her.. but you're sorry.. I appreciate your work.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-05 11:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 cats
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's so funny when cats do that, it's like "Yeah, look, I don't do 'roll over' and 'fetch' like that stupid canine, but here, have a little sumthin sumthin to make ya happy, capisce?"
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about your cat dear.
I've been thinking about getting a cat, but I just don't know if I'm a cat guy.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummmmmmm that must have been horrible realizing you ran over your cats head.
Reading about it was hilarious though...
I'm sorry.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto cat linkwhore:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35618
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I've always told people you have one quality pussy. I guess I can't say that anymore.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
janis is my ex mother-in-law's name. she eats souls.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The simple brilliance of the title saved your rating you cat killer!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw poor kitty. She looks like my pretty kitty who's also gone now.
I have a little boy Chewey who is the same shade, but with green eyes... and he kills nothing because he's a tree hugging queer kitty.
I love my gay kitty, he hisses at me if my clothes don't match.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-02-27 09:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-02-27 05:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor kitty... Sounds like she was fun
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-02-27 05:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bummer. Sounds like a brilliant little cat.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-27 04:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many people on Uber have cats. I think cats are evil.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-27 02:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Saxon - bitten by snakes, attacked a german shepherd and was amazed when it turned out to be bigger than she was, fell off the roof when she tried to jump onto a hanging basket that moved, bitchfighting with other cats, and terrorized by the twins.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-02-27 02:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i sometimes avoid reading the better posts on uber. i dont know why. i avoided this all morning and all day.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-02-27 01:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must have lived a dangerious life your cat, what happened to its other 8 lives?
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-02-27 00:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cats don't really seem to understand the whole noisy-car-is-about-to-move thing. Mine would always run for cover from the noise, but half the time they'd get it wrong and head under the car that started. It'll be okay.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-27 00:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-02-26 22:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww, she liked you.
I really enjoyed the mental image of the Dutchman screaming like a little girl and leaping onto the couch, by the way.
There's the front half of a lizard lying on the front doormat right now, kind of spilling innards about, but I really don't feel like dealing with it now so it's going to marinate until tomorrow morning.
Don't worry, it's fairly cold out tonight, so it shouldn't, you know, putrify excessively or anything.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-02-26 21:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i always wonder what my cat thinks.
shes not very bright- cant even catch a spider.
sorry.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-26 21:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first time Janis bought home a snake, her people petted her and told her she was a good kitty. Janis was pleased by this positive attention and bought home another snake the next day - not a big snake, just a baby brown snake, but she chewed off its head and dropped it on the welcome mat where the Large Female person could conveniently step on it on her way to the car in the morning.
The response was, this time, not so positive. The Large Female person screamed and jumped around in a humorous fashion, making her Dropped Something On My Toes noises. The people sat with Janis and told her firmly that she was not to bring home snakes anymore - that she was, in fact, a Bad Cat.
_______________________________
One day in fall, our cat was on the deck in the early morning. I came into the kitchen and looked out the sliding glass door, to see our cat happy munching a struggling gray leaf. As I walked closer, the struggling gray leaf turned into a struggling gray chickadee. My mom shouted such things at our poor cat ("GODDAMN IT YOU LITTLE MURDERER! CHICKADEES ARE MY FAVORITE BIRDS!" comes clearly to mind), I don't know what she thought to do.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-26 20:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. The original Circe turned men into swine? Something like that. That always struck me as redundant.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-26 20:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-26 17:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-02-26 16:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very pretty, but very evil looking.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My sister ran over my first cat when I was younger.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:54:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It had pretty eyes....
FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:13:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry to hear that ;(
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-02-26 12:43:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor kitty.
One of our kittys met her death in the door of my car. I guess she wanted to go for a ride. *sigh* Hugs for Circe.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-26 11:58:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, guys.
Queenemily - My husband put her in a hefty bag (because I couldn't even look at what I'd done), and buried her. I hosed the driveway for three hours until he took the hose away from me and made me sit down.
So, I guess it was a joint effort.
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-02-26 11:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How on Earth did you decide who had to clean up? I pity the poor person that had to scrape up squished kitty. : /
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-26 11:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of my favorite uber pet eulogies. RIP, kitty. Sorry, Circe.
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2006-02-26 11:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
KITTY!! +2
I had a cat that looked like that once..
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-02-26 11:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto cat +2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-26 10:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-26 10:37:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Y'know, I always did think that Janis Joplin sang like a yowling cat in heat.
_____________________________________________________________________________
You will rot in the farthest depths of Hell for bad-mouthing Ms. Joplin.
FOR SHAME!! All us old hippies will be looking for you :)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-26 10:38:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-02-26 10:36:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cats are straight, christian, republican, American V8-driving gun owners, and they should be running the world. They also sit on your chest at night and steal your breath so you die. I have a cat, so I know.
____________________________________________________________________________
Pretty good response for a dead dude...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-02-26 10:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Y'know, I always did think that Janis Joplin sang like a yowling cat in heat.
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-02-26 10:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cats are straight, christian, republican, American V8-driving gun owners, and they should be running the world. They also sit on your chest at night and steal your breath so you die. I have a cat, so I know.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-02-26 09:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Certain assholes on this site don't appreciate good writing when
they see it. Some reviewers are also gay, and some cannot spell.
Submitted by swedishgenius (user info) at 2006-02-26 09:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
circe you have vagetate bigger than grun canyon
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-26 08:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to fucking go. I have a cat that needs his head run over. If I ship him down to Australia think you could manage that for me?
Oh, and for this:
We have some very smart birds around here now.
I love you.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-02-26 08:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww.
Thanks, Mike.
Cigarette analogies are always, always appropriate.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-02-26 08:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would normally say "Who cares?" but it's your cat and I like you so I'll say "I'm sorry you crushed your cats skull like a backwoods smoke under the heel of Clint Eastwoods filthy boot."
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-02-26 08:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
cats are gay.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-02-26 08:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we fuck?
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-02-26 08:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a teenager one of my moms felines decided that I was her favorite person. She would always steal socks from my dads locker and bring them to my bedroom door, on cold days she would bring gloves or a knit hat. Also I would frequently find dead lizards and small birds waiting for me by the drivers door of my truck.