Brokeback Mountain gave me the gay. (1096 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.83 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ReCall (View user info) at 2006-02-26 13:01:45 EST
I had a horrible date last night.
I met her online and we spoke on and off for a couple of months, but recently our conversations have been engaging so about one week ago I apprehensively asked her out to dinner (apprehensive due to two online dating experiences that ended on sour notes, to say the least). She enthusiastically agreed and we planned for Saturday night.
After the date had been set our conversations took a different turn however. A turn down Let's-talk-about-how-I-love-getting-my-snooch-pounded-and-to-give-head Blvd. Fair enough I thought, but being the pussy that I am I had no intention of sleeping with her on our first date as I genuinely thought she was a very cool girl and I didn't want to ruin it by complicating it with sex.
Some of the things she mentioned was she likes it rough, she loves to give head, etc. She then brought up this book of sexual positions that she had (one for each day of the year) and that she would have to bring it on our date. At this point I started feeling a bit worried. Is this girl a megaslut and all I needed to do was tell her I'm taking her to dinner to unleash the inner-whore in her? The kind of inner-whore that comes out when Pour Some Sugar On Me comes on (you know what I'm talking about ladies).
Fast forward to last night. She comes over at 6:30 and we take my car over to the restaurant. She is beautiful in person, we have great conversation, the food is terrific...everything seems to be going suspiciously fine. We finish and start heading back to the car and I was determined on taking things slow so as to not blow it.
Once we got into the vehicle she made an offhand remark saying that she really wanted to see Brokeback Mountain and I let her know that I so happened to have "borrowed" a copy of Brokeback Mountain via torrent a couple of weeks back and have not had a chance to see it yet. I told her that I could burn it on DVD and we could watch it on the big screen at my place. After explaining how I am able to "download" movies off the "Internet" she cut me off to tell me that she would love to go to my place and watch the movie.
Now I am conflicted. My mind is telling me to take it easy but my cock is screaming at me "CHACHING MOTHAFUCKA." "Focus", I tell myself. On our way back she asks what I have to drink at my place (we already finished a bottle of merlot at the restaurant) and I tell her that I have more wine and a sparse amount of liquor. She then instructs me to stop at the supermarket to pick up a bottle of Stoli Raspberry and 7up because that is her favorite drink.
I am in trouble at this point. She wants to come over to my place for a cinematic adventure and get drunk? Is this headed anywhere BUT hair pulling and fucking? I do my best to keep my composure and head into the market to buy her the bottle of vodka and soda.
90 dollars down and a bit buzzed I take her downstairs, pop in the DVD and mix us a couple of drinks.
We watch the movie and we are both enjoying it. She lies up against me and starts running her hand up and down my chest and stomach. I lean over to kiss her and she reciprocates. We keep it short so as to not miss the movie as both of us are enjoying it to a certain degree.
This is the point I feel the need to inform you, the reader, that I am 23 and she is 27.
The movie ends and she gets out her book of sex positions and points out several that she thinks I would be great at. I respond with something like "well I guess we'll have to see some day." She then knocks over her 1/4 filled drink putting the book down and I get up to grab some paper towels to clean it up. She gets up quickly and says "Hey, you don't need to do that, I can take care of myself." I quip back with "Yeah, but a lady like you shouldn't have to."
Freeze frame here. Cheesy as hell, and I said it in a half joking, cheesy way.
She grabs me and pushes me back down on the couch. I'm thinking...what about the spilled drink? Oh fuck it.
She literally straddles me and starts kissing me. This goes on for a couple of minutes. She is wearing a skirt so my hands slowly work their way up. She bites my neck...I flip her over onto the couch and I do what I have not done in a long time. Something that I have done not that often but I was ready to do for this girl. I was going to go downtown. Not only because she had a nice situation (not a lot of lip, super trim/neat; if it was a cottage I would rent it for the summer [thank you Cook]) but because I was really into this girl. Before I take the plunge she tells me "hey, I don't want to have sex" to which, after internally breathing a sigh of relief, I respond with "me either." I kiss her and she pushes down on my shoulders a bit. I take the hint and make my way down. Fifteen to twenty minutes later I come back up for air as she had came at least twice. She kisses me and tells me I was wonderful..then starts to get up. I sit back down and kiss her again and she pulls away.
This is where things get awesome.
Her: "Hey, I don't want to take it too far, I think we should stop here."
Me: "Uhmmm, alright. I think we did take it kind of far. I don't do this for anyone. Are you just going to leave me hanging?"
<Ok...maybe I shouldn't have said that, but...what the hell?>
Her: "Look, I just don't give out blowjobs and I just don't want to take this too far"
Me: "Do they have to be earned in some way I don't know about? As for taking it too far, are you using the "base" system? Because I'm pretty sure that was 3rd."
<Shit, mistake number two...but still..what is her deal?>
Her: "You just can't understand this right now. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."
Me (dejected a bit): "Alright, whatever it's no big deal."
I get up to grab the remote and sit back down and start flipping the channels.
Her: "You're mad. Don't be mad. You're mad."
Me: "I'm not mad, seriously it's cool and no big deal."
I take a sip of my drink.
She cuddles up close to me and lays against me and I start to relax a bit (my emotions and mini-me).
She then, unexpectedly, starts to run her hand up and down my leg. She starts kissing my neck a bit and then moves her hand directly over my crotch and starts to give me the soon to be denim burn on my cock. I turn and kiss her and about a minute later she abruptly stops.
Her: "I'm sorry I just don't want to take this too far."
Me: "Are you kidding me? Why did you just do all that to me? Are you playing hard to get or something or purposefully trying to be a tease?"
Her: "Look you just can't understand this right now."
Me: "I understand it just fine. I am just too old to be dealing with this. I feel like I'm in high school or something."
Her: "I'm sorry for making things so awkward, maybe I should leave?"
Me: "No, not maybe, I think it's probably for the best."
Her: "Ok, maybe I'll leave then."
Me: "Yeah...that's kind of what I just said."
<Maybe it's just my blue balls talking here (they aren't discolored, just sad)>
She gets her things and asks "Are you going to walk me out?"
"How about I just walk you a quarter of the way up?" I sneer.
And then she is gone.
Why is it so challenging with women? Why the mixed signals? What DON'T I UNDERSTAND?!
In retrospect it would just be so much easier being gay (cowboy gay, specifically).
When one of you says something to the other you know EXACTLY what that person means. You just don't talk all that much. You can watch football without the other wanting to flip it to Lifetime.
If I could only deal with being with ass-rammed or even kissing a guy I would SO be there (with ass-less chaps and a lasso).
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-09 09:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-30 18:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The title got my hopes up... but
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-30 18:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Asshole.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-30 18:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking alter's and retal -2's? give me a break.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-04-23 23:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Plus, what makes you believe she came twice?
Or even once?
You probably scared her off with your lack of skill down there.
She was being polite.
Get an anatomy book and studyup, cowboy.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-04-23 23:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should probably brush your teeth before you go out.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-27 18:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
she shoulda had her break out the strap-on and go brokeback on you
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-02-26 17:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Gheyovision.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-26 17:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I met her online
_________________
OH, NO, NONONONONO.
This is where the trouble began.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-02-26 16:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You post twice in one day and they remove the post from the list? Lesson learned.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-02-26 15:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I had a horrible date last night.
I met her online...."
Duh. Of course it would suck, you big galoot.
Submitted by rick_the_stud (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:48:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sounds to me like she's been sexually assaulted.
seriously.
not by you, but previously. the whole "conflicted promiscuity" is a classic trait of post-traumatic stress disorder as it relates to sexual trauma. thing is, she probably didn't want to tell you that on a first date.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-02-26 14:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she sounds like a slag
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's no excuse. She's a dumb ho. Ho, ho, ho. And Merry Christmas, thanks for the picture.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for story.
+1 because your username reminded me of Total Recall, and how much that movie kicks ass.
<reaches for DVDs>
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
are you mocking me ebola?
because let me tell you, by now I should be an expert in the reasons women reject men.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:28:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
if I had to guess though, I'd say she was probably terrified of not knowing what to do and all her eagerness was some weird defence mechanism that abruptly failed her when you actually expected her to take your penis in her mouth and orally bring you to climax.
=====
<snort snort snicker snort>
Yeah. Listen to Dr. Zak, relationship expert.
Or it could be that she is just an evil bitch who enjoys teasing and torturing men. They do exist you know.
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Such is life.
You shouldn't have gone down first... and there are two reasons why.
1... she got what she wanted and didn't feel the need to reciprocate.
2... you brought things to a certain level and she might not have been ready for it.
Either way, you jumped the gun.
Something to always remember is that you let her set the rules. Not that I'm saying to be a wimp about it, but in a time when women can willingly have sex with you and then the next day say it was rape and get you put in jail, I have never ever initiated the next level.
I might do that coy, "Would you like me to do this..." questioning thing, but I will never just assume anything is okay.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:44:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If she wasn't 27 I'd say she was probably a virgin and self-conscious about it.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:36:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Who said it was bad?
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Brokeback Mountain was a great movie. All of you who disagree, just shut the fuck up.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
if I had to guess though, I'd say she was probably terrified of not knowing what to do and all her eagerness was some weird defence mechanism that abruptly failed her when you actually expected her to take your penis in her mouth and orally bring you to climax.
just writing that down has made me feel a somewhat distressed, I can only imagine what it must be like for some poor woman to have potential penetration inches from her (no doubt dainty and pleasantly rounded) face.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you're more likely to see a panda gang-bang in low earth orbit than get good relationship advice here.
an interesting read though.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all fun and games until you get beat in the face with a tire iron.
Oh, and also you get AIDS.
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a +2 because you made me giggle and the woman scared me.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that boy sure is built alright.
oh god, that makes me gay!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-26 13:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"How about I just walk you a quarter of the way up?"
---------------
SWEET BURN. Of course, it's impossible to try to apply one set of rules or etiquette to these situations, and I don't believe sexual favors always need to be, or should be expected to be, tit for tat. But this woman sounds like a demonic slore, and you showed her respect despite this fact.
Funny how art affects people differently. Brokeback just made me want to wrestle and conquer a man, cowboy style.
What?