Adventures in Consumerism, or How to get Laid when you are 18-34 (1174 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.85 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ramen_Danger Ranger_Noodle (View user info) at 2006-02-26 16:25:39 EST
After watching some good ole fashion target marketing I came to a harsh realization. I am definitely not living the life that an 18-34 year old white male should be living. I definitely needed a change for the better, after all the whole work/wife/kids thing is really overrated.
First thing I did was mortgage my house, and open 7 new lines of credit. After all interest rates will not be this low forever, and buying shit will clearly take my life out of the doldrums. I then took a ride to the Hummer dealership, traded in my family car and bought a brand new H2. Sure it was a tad bit expensive, but hey its got 5 tv/dvd players and it will surely lead to great adventures. Not to mention that when the women see this they will no doubt realize that I have a massive penis, and want to indulge my every sexual desire. First thing first, I had to go pick up my buddy so we could go off roading and rock climbing. Unfortunately the pussy decided that he did not feel like making the 400 mile drive to find a rock , and something about us not knowing how to climb. Whatever, he can say what he wants but I think his old lady just has him by the nuts. So much for adventure, but hey this Hummer will definitely help get me laid.
Before I could hit my local trendy bar I needed to buy some new clothes and accessories. So I hit up the mall where I was able to max out 2 lines of credit on clothes, cologne, jewelry, and an Ipod. Sure $200 for a pair of denim jeans is a little high, but that chick who was helping me really wanted it. Especially when she said "will that be all sir?" and touched my finger as she took my Super Titanium Platinum alloy Master Card. I asked her out but, apparently she is deaf in her left ear because she did not respond.
As far as I could tell I was set, time to hit a bar. First stop was not too successful, surely the place must have been too dark for the gals to notice my designer threads. I figured the best way to break the ice would be to buy some lucky lass a drink, so I opened a tab on a new credit card. After buying several drinks and having no luck I decided on a new strategy. Clearly these women did not know the amount of cool shit I owned, so a change of scenery was in order. I then parked my Hummer in front of the bar and stood outside of it with my Ipod. Hell yeah, Hummer and an Ipod who could resist? After about 10 minutes the bouncer came out telling me I had to move my "sorry ass" or he was calling the cops. I figured this guy was just hating on my mad game, so I threatened to kick his ass as I drove off. That Pussy didn't even try to catch me.
I reminded myself that I never really liked the bar scene because it was full of skanks anyways. I decided to go hit up a strip club, after all most of those gals are working their way through medical school. After paying my cover charge I go straight into the VIP area, sure it was expensive but sex is a sure thing in those places. Not long after settling in this really sexy girl named Bambi came and sat down by me. She told me that she was on break, and noticed how cute I was and wanted to chat. Hell yeah, now we are getting somewhere! She asked if I would buy her a drink, I figured why not, after all I had already bought a bunch of apparent lesbians drinks at that last bar. So I gave her a credit card. Bambi ordered 3 bottles of some shit called Cristal, and started spraying it all over the other strippers...man let me tell you.. That shit was hot. I was definitely gonna get laid with this chick, she was all over me rubbing her ass on my lap and letting me feel her titties. After about 2 hours and 10 bottles of Cristal I got a bill for $18,000. Naturally I refused to pay it and told Bambi that it was time for us to leave. She pretended like she wasn't into me, probably because her "asshole boyfriend" owned the place, and started cursing me out. After a few large men brought me into another exclusive, albeit dark and secluded part of the bar we decided that it would be best for me to give them my H2 and call it a day. I didn't really like it anyway, burned too much gas.
I had to walk the 4 miles home because one of those large men forgot to give me back my wallet. After arriving I noticed a note on the door telling me to fuck off and something about divorce. Ah fuck it being a family man sucked anyway. Besides I saw a commercial for this kickass new antidepressant that I have been itching to try.
User Reviews
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2006-02-28 04:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-02-27 17:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is Dave Barry quality, chief. I laughed out loud.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm, good
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-02-27 09:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-27 09:13:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-27 08:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-27 07:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-02-27 07:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, good stuff!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-02-27 07:31:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, I cut my toenails.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2006-02-27 07:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
some what reminded me of night at the roxbury.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-02-27 03:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2006-02-27 01:18:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
"so I threatened to kick his ass as I drove off. That Pussy didn't even try to catch me. "
You earned a +2 right there, going to go finish now.
//
I have to agree. This seems a serious writers forum at rare times, then there's people like you that go and fuk it up... for the better.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-02-27 01:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2006-02-27 01:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"so I threatened to kick his ass as I drove off. That Pussy didn't even try to catch me. "
You earned a +2 right there, going to go finish now.
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2006-02-27 00:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-02-26 23:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
who?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-02-26 23:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like you know anything about getting laid.....
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2006-02-26 22:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dont I wish..
funny stuff.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-02-26 22:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-02-26 17:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*writing this down*
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-02-26 16:34:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They are 200 dollars because they are made of denim and tiny children. That's why they are worth it.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-02-26 16:30:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny.