Web Found Stuff 5. Long. (1124 hits)
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Submitted by DC'Classy'Woody (View user info) at 2006-02-26 18:28:15 EST
My posts are getting less and less effort put into them these days, I'm getting bored with uber.
Cut and paste, but only the best bits from a variety of sources.
Note to foreigners, Prince Phillip really did say those things, thats why we don't let them run the country any more.
(allegedly real) quotes from letters to islington council's housing department
"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."
"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."
"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."
"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"
"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."
"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."
"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."
"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."
"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."
"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."
"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."
"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."
"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."
"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."
"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
funny quotes, funny signs and graffiti from public toilets and restrooms (allegedly)
Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot. (thanks MK)
RockShitFuckDie (graffiti on the wall of a male washroom in a pub, and someone's idea of the meaning of life, ack CJ)
Five out of four people can't do fractions.
I am neither for nor against apathy. (On the wall above a urinal in a men's WC at a university at the height of US social unrest in the 1960's - ack TC)
Beware of a man with a gleam in his eyes - it may just be the sun shining through the hole in his head. (Women's restroom graffiti, ack Tim Ryan)
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. (Graffiti in a women's restroom)
To do is to be - Descartes, To be is to do - Voltaire, Do be do be do - Sinatra.
"God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.
Express Lane: Five beers or less. (Sign above a urinal)
You're too good for him. (Sign above a women's restroom mirror)
No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign above a men's restroom mirror)
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires (tyres) or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Sign in a women's restroom)
Beauty is only a light switch away.
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
If voting could really change things it would be illegal.
amusing puns and double-meanings
The pun (a humourous device exploiting two words or expressions sounding the same with two different meanings, usually with two different spellings) is one of the great wonders of the English language. For anyone who seeks to demonstrate the confusing nature of English words and phrases, these examples of funny and clever puns will likely serve your needs.
Serious campers are intense.
Time flies like like and arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Sports people can avoid the pain of defeat by wearing comfortable shoes.
Nut screws washers and bolts. (Headline following a laundrerette sex crime)
Poetry written upside-down is inverse; poetry of very few lines is universal.
A girl who screamed and shouted for a pony got a little hoarse.
The carpenter's heavy tools were uncomfortable so he got a little sore.
Nuns generally wear plain colours because old habits never dye.
The days of the pocket diary are numbered.
Lions eat their prey fresh and roar.
Old bikes should be retired.
Geometry holds clues for the meaning of life; look and you will see the sines.
You can't beat a pickled egg.
If a leopard could cook would he ever change his pots?
See one melée of unruly people and you've seen a maul.
Do hungry time-travellers ever go back four seconds?
quotes on thinking and the power of thought
On pain and stress and approach to life: "Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is... The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds." (Dan Millman, 21st century philosopher from The Way of the Peaceful Warrior - ack CB)
On Knowledge - "If you stood on the bottom rail of a bridge, and leant over, and watched the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you would suddenly know everything that there is to be known..." (Winnie the Pooh - allegedly - Thanks CM)
"He trudged along unknowing what he sought, And whistled as he went, for want of thought." (John Dryden, English poet and playwright 1631-1700, from Cymon and Iphigenia written in 1700)
"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth - more than ruin - more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man." (Bertrand Russell, British philosopher, 1872-1970)
"Great men are they who see that spiritual thought is stronger than any material force, that thoughts rule the world." (Ralph Waldo Emerson, American philosopher and poet, 1803-82, from Progress of Culture)
"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." (The Holy Bible, Proverbs 23:7)
"What is life but the angle of vision? A man is measured by the angle at which he looks at objects. What is life but what a man is thinking of all day? This is his fate and his employer. Knowing is the measure of the man. By how much we know, so we are." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
"The mind is the man, and knowledge mind; a man is but what he knoweth." (Francis Bacon, English lawyer and philosopher, 1561-1626)
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funny quotes - school-children's biblical answers
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired and took the Sabbath off.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were proud people and throughout history had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of jesus she sang the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
(Thanks Bill)
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funny sunday school children's answers
(Apparently from Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio, collected over three years by two teachers. If you know more about the source please let us know.)
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock, which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then, than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen", as a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper, which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits, but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long, people got upset about it, and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours, but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
(Precise source unknown. Thanks CB)
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funny quotes school-children's science answers
H2O is hot water and C02 is cold water.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For drowning, climb on top of the person to make artificial perspiration.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a head cold, use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
(Thanks to the lady who sent these - sorry I lost your name when my system went down. If you know the origins please contact us.)
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rules for a happy life
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Life is simpler when you plough around the stumps.
The trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. (This is a modern adaptation of the original quote by Oscar Wilde: "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more." - Ack I Mac.)
Don't corner something meaner than you.
Don't wrestle with pigs: you'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens. (Probably based on an original quote attributed to Leo Buscaglia: Ninety per-cent of what we worry about never happens, yet we worry and worry. What a horrible way to go through life! What a horrible thing to do to your colon!" - Thanks Wayne)
(Thanks CB. All anon if you know any of the authors please tell us.)
See Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, and Cherie Carter Scott's If Life Is A Game These Are The Rules.
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oneliner quick quotes
A Boss: Someone who's early when you're late and late when you're early. (Unknown)
It's the kind or organisation where the lunatic fringe extends right to the centre. (unknown - for disorganized organizations everywhere - ack TW)
Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself. (Ack J C)
Chinese proverb No1: Man who run in front of car get tired; man who run behind car get exhausted.
Chinese proverb No2: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
Bacon and Eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
HECK is where people go who don't believe in GOSH.
A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 1,000 times the memory.
Remember that half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Strange that psychics have to ask you for your name.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
funny love quotes
"It's so long since I had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers)
"Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the postion is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable." ( Lord Chesterfield)
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sasha Guitry)
"Splendid couple - slept with both of them." (Maurice Bowra)
"My wife is a sex object every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson)
"She was stark naked expect for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves." (Keith Waterhouse)
"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night." (Woody Allen)
"It's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." (Winston Churchill)
"I'll come to your room at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me." (Tallulah Bankhead)
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty years - if my wife finds out she'll kill me." (Henry Youngman)
(alleged) quotes from sales interviews
"I only came to the interview to confirm my feeling that I should never have been called for the interview.."
"I was handling a market research project on accident prevention, but I couldn't interview any of the target respondents because they were all dead.."
"I am not married to either a man or a woman.."
"Pressurising people is all part of giving customer satisfaction.."
"At my present company they are all bastards including my boyfriend who I met there.."
"The water in your washrooms is exceptionally wet today.."
funny quotes reasons for transport requests to the clinic
(apparently from the Chiropodists Association Journal)
I'm under the doctor and can't breathe.
I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.
I can't breathe and haven't done so for years.
I live five miles from the clinic and the postman says I should have it.
I have got athritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.
I am unable to walk now as my dog has died.
I cannot drive a car because I haven't got one.
My husband's dead and won't bring me.
I need transport as I have funny feet.
If my mum goes out alone she gets into trouble.
I must have your man as I cannot go out or even do up my suspenders.
When your man brings me back could you ask him to drop me off at the White Swan.
I hope you will send your driver as my husband is quite useless.
My wife must have transport as she is over 80 and drives me mad.
I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to your clinic is up.
I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.
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funny quotes prince phillip quotes and gaffes
Also known as the 'consort's clangers'..
(1967 When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union) "The bastards murdered half my family.."
(1981 A comment during the UK's recession) "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.."
(1982 To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5% a year) "You must be out of your minds.."
(1984 On receiving a gift from a Kenyan native woman) "You are a woman aren't you?.."
(1986 To a group of British students in China) "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slittyeyed.."
(To a Cayman Islander) "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?.."
(c. 1990 To a British expat in Hungary) "You can't have been here that long, you haven't got a potbelly yet.."
(1995 To a Scottish driving instructor in Oban) "How do you keep the natives off the booze for long enough to pass their test?.."
(1998 To a student who'd trekked in Papua New Guinea) "You managed not to get eaten then?.."
(1999 On seeing a fuse box while being shown around an Edinburgh factory) "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.."
(2002 To a school band in Cairns, Australia) "You were playing your instruments weren't you?, or do you have tape recorders under your seats?.."
(2002 To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park) "Do you still throw spears at each other..?
(2002 Commenting during the Jubilee tour) "If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.."
(2002 Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken Livingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the city) "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.."
(Summer 2002 Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast) "French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast.." (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy..)
(2003 visiting a school, asking a tubby little boy what he wanted to be when he grows up, and being told, 'an astronaut') "You'll have to lose a bit of weight first.."
funny quotes (alleged) appraisals putdowns
"Takes him two hours to watch sixty minutes.."
"Gargled from the fountain of knowledge.."
"If you stand close enough to him you can hear the oceans.."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.."
"If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection.."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.."
"When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately.."
"He would argue with a signpost.."
"He's been working with glue too much.."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime.."
"He doesn't have ulcers but he's a carrier.."
"Got a full sixpack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.."
"When she opens his mouth it seems that it is only to change feet.."
"Not so much of a 'hasbeen', more of a definite 'won'tbe'.."
"I would not allow this employee to breed.."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.."
"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.."
"This person has delusions of adequacy.."
"Since my last report has reached rockbottom, and has started to dig.."
"Sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.."
"Has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.."
"Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.."
"You are on the crest of a slump." (this one thanks to Eric Welburn)
"The lights are on but nobody's at home.."
"The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.."
funny motor insurance claims
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim. (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)
A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."
A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."
A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."
An animal with horns: "A bee..."
A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."
Something made of wool: "A sheep.."
Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."
Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."
An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."
Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."
Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."
A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."
A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."
A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")
Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."
Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."
A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."
A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."
A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."
Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."
A famous Dick: "Carrot.."
A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."
Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."
Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."
A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."
A yellow fruit: "Orange.."
An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."
Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."
A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."
Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."
Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."
A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."
Something you beat: "An apple.."
Something associated with rain: "Water.."
An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."
Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."
A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."
A popular TV soap: "Dove.."
Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."
Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."
Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."
A fast animal: "A hippo.."
Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."
Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."
A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."
Something that has a shell: "Batman.."
Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."
Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."
Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."
A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."
A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."
An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."
A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."
An animal with big ears: "A bear.."
Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."
A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."
Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."
A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."
Something you pull: "A potato.."
An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."
A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."
A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."
A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."
Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."
A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."
Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."
Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."
Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."
A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."
A type of record: "A floppy disk.."
A type of large cat: "Persian.."
A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."
Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."
An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."
A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."
Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."
A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."
A game played in the dark: "Charades.."
Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."
A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."
A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."
Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."
A famous royal: "Mail.."
Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."
An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."
An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."
Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."
A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."
One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."
A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."
The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."
Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."
A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."
A type of cut: "Skull.."
A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."
Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."
A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."
An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."
Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."
A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."
A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."
An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."
Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."
Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."
A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."
A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."
A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."
Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."
Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."
Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."
A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."
Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."
A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."
A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."
A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."
Something red: "My cardigan.."
A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."
Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."
Something with a hole in it: "A window.."
Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."
Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."
A domestic animal: "A leopard.."
Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."
Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."
Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."
The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."
Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
User Reviews
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-14 16:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well that killed about an hour.
thanks!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-06-20 07:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the pick me up.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-02-27 09:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GREAT SUFF!!
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-27 08:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-27 07:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If only Philip could be King.
Or if Queenie could be as dumb as him.
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-02-26 23:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-02-26 22:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god, I'm going to plagiarize alot of these.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-02-26 22:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely. I should visit britain one day.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-02-26 22:04:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first section was classic.
I skimmed a bit of the rest, but Lord Chesterfield's comment about sex was interesting.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-02-26 21:52:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weren't you the guy that made me my very first Uber hate post?
Ah, the memories.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-26 18:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 but only for the hilarious phillip quotes.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-02-26 18:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
In one go? I wouldn't, but I'd scroll down to a random section and see if it was any good.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-02-26 18:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
all right, seriously, do you think anyone is going to read all this?