How Jagermeister is Made (8519 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Weedy (View user info) at 2006-02-27 10:11:25 EST
The Jagermeister factory is a huge gothic castle that sits deep in the black forests of Germany. It can only be found by consuming a fifth of the dark brown liquor and passing out drunk on your friends porch in the rain. This past weekend I had the luck to experience just that. I wanted to share my visit with the good people of Über so as they know where this magical drink comes from. My guide was a man named Hubertus. I think he is the patron saint of vomiting miserably.
The first room we came to was where the deer are held prisoner. I stared aghast as I entered the room behind Hubertus. All around us hundreds of deer were being kept in cages barely large enough for them to stand in. Hubertus explained with a savage glee that the deer were being slowly bled to death. He showed me under the cages where the blood was collected and streamed into a large vat that was the beginnings of a batch of Jagermeister. I looked into the soft brown eyes of one of the caged bucks and could see the reflections of sorority girls across the world, drunk on Jager and stripping naked. I thanked the royal animal for his sacrifice. Hubertus hiccupped, dipped his hand in the collecting pool and licked the warm red deer blood from his fingertips. I still hear the screams of the deer in my skull and see their suffering when I close my eyes.
We moved along through the castle. The hallways were dark and much like the drink, best served cold. I shivered violently, probably because in another world, my body was lying on a concrete porch being pounded by cold rain.
In the next room 56 herbs were being added to the deer's blood and slowly stirred at a medium heat by hot naked German bitches. Hubertus pointed a few of the key ingredients out to me. Black licorice, which I find disgusting, is one of Jager's most noticeable components. Others include opium and chocolate. Hubertus packed a fatty bowl of the opium and we chased the dragon while the German bitches stirred the pot. When asked where the opium that goes into Jagermeister is grown, Hubertus told me that for thousands of years Osama Bin Laden has owned sole rights to providing the Jager company with its Afghan opium. I told Hubertus that it was some of the best opium I had ever smoked and he laughed joyfully then punched me in the throat.
The last room, Hubertus explained, was the most important. It was where the final ingredient of Jagermeister was carefully inserted into the concoction. When I asked what this mystery ingredient was, Hubertus smiled a wicked smile.
"Anger, my boy. Don't you know that Jagermeister contains a unusually high percentage of anger?" When I thought about it, it all made sense.
We entered the room and I suddenly wanted to fight my mother. In front of me was a pool full of Jagermeister and people seeping violence, hatred and rage out of their pores and into the liquor. I saw Muslims reading Danish cartoons, Cindy Sheehan being ass raped by Bush, professional wrestlers, people reading Ubersite, poor people, rappers, punk rockers, French Muslims, the KKK, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf, and Jesus and Mohammad sucking each other's dicks off, which should piss somebody off.
I broke Hubertus' neck for punching my throat. Threw his body in the anger vat. Grabbed one of the naked German stirrer bitches by the tits and was almost out of the castle when I woke up in the rain with a carrot in my ass and BALLS written on my forehead.
This is the hunter's honor shield,
to protect and nourish his game,
to hunt in the proper way,
to honor the Creator in the creature.
User Reviews
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-14 02:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that stuff is for pure faggots, and if the girl you're with asks for it with red bull, don't get fucking hosed like I did, that's actually two drinks, and I wouldn't pay $20 to keep the hottest chick in the world happy
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2006-05-14 02:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-27 13:41:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked the anger thing.
every time me and my buddy schwabbie would drink jager, we would inevitably fight each other, or break shit rampantly.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-27 15:44:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
see, this is why I only drink BarenJaeger.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-27 13:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked the anger thing.
every time me and my buddy schwabbie would drink jager, we would inevitably fight each other, or break shit rampantly.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-27 13:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 my favorite drink.
just about every bar has Jager on tap. those machines with the 3 bottles upside down in them that produce jager at 0degreesF can be purchased for $300.
i made my own. i might post about it.
it's a clear plexiglass box that holds one upside down bottle of jager resting on top. inside the box you place a 50/50 mixture of regular ice and dry ice. all regular ice, you don't get enough chill...all dry ice, you freeze the jager.
going from the jager to the spout is a plastic helix of tubing held in place by a helix formed of heavy duty copper wire.
at the bottom is a spout similar to those found on office water coolers.
ice cold jager.
it cost about 150 bucks to make, and i've used it 3 times.
guarenteed blackout.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This drink is my namesake, and am therefore vouching for the validity of this receipe.
Now that you know the secrets, you will be killed accordingly.
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:36:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:35:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
i was going to post about jager.
in Houston there is a bar where they sell JAGERMEISTER ON TAP!!!
On TAP!!!!
This poor sheltered English boy has never seen the likes!
-------------------------------
Sweet jesus...What is this bar you speak of?
I'm moving to Houston!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:35:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was going to post about jager.
in Houston there is a bar where they sell JAGERMEISTER ON TAP!!!
On TAP!!!!
This poor sheltered English boy has never seen the likes!
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2006-02-27 11:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jager is the liqour of the Gods.
Nothing is better than boucing off the walls drunkenly after consuming an entire 5th of jagerbombs. This is especially good in apartments or crowded parties. Your fists practically strike for you.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ein Jäger und ein Hefeweizen. In one hour I'm up for my daily dose!! Zum Wohl!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jager and Redbull makes me hyperangry.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i HATE jaager but this was pretty funny
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't stand the shit, but somehow I always end up drinking it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's ALL TRUE.
The glorious concoction that is Jager makes the flavor of black licorice not only tolerable, but a mandatory ingredient in everyone's Saturday night.
The deer's blood, the opium..I'VE BEEN THERE, MAN. Though, the admission price for us ladies need only be about 3 shots.
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lets go pal
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Don't you know that Jagermeister contains an unusually high percentage of anger?"
I'll wager that Stella contains at least twice as much.
If you disagree, I'll fight ya.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
goosed
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-02-27 10:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA!
Faust inspired?