Tips For An English Gentleman (658 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.72 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by beatjunky <prez_ident.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-02-28 06:34:58 EST
People in the street come up to me all the time asking me to sign up for this good cause or that charitable organisation, they always look mighty cold and uninterested in doing what they are doing but as soon as you make eye contact with them they are like screaming baboons trying to nail you down to where you are standing.
They always initiate the conversation with the same line, "excuse me sir do you have a moment to hear about saving the whales?" inevitably being English I cannot say no as that may appear rude and they might think that I think I am better than them, which is an Englishman's worst nightmare. So I say "of course I have a minute to spare, it's not as if I have anything better to do, after all I consider you to be an upstanding member of society much like myself"
They then talk at a rate that no real human with a grasp of Germanic languages can understand to confuse and disorientate you thus plying you in to malleable state for the final form signing. It is at this point that you will realise that once again you have been lied to about the amount of time something will take. You start to build up resentment for this fellow and judge his entire life and personality based on him telling you it will only take 1 minute and has already taken 2. What a jolly scoundrel.
My advice is to stop and ask for his name and a contact number for his company and then report him for lying. (I would rather have a stern word with his mother but most of them are Australian or sarf African and I don't know how mothers behave in third world countries. A good English mother would chastise him for telling porky pies and probably give him less gravy with his supper)
Hopefully he has finished. Now comes the most humiliating part for an English gentleman, either signing the form and giving away money that would be better spent on a pint of ale and a breast of pheasant, or walking away and cringing because he may suspect that you don't make enough money to offer £5 per month. Of course you will always sign the form.
I recommend online banking for this kind of situation, that way you can cancel the direct debit before it even leaves your bank account without losing face.
User Reviews
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-28 15:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Save the Wales?
I didn't know they were in need of saving - what happened, did they run out of consonants again?
Submitted by Sicknote (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My boyfriend does this for a living (annoys people for charity) and much as I detest it, every tosser in a £600 suit who gives him abuse for doing his job deserves castrating.
He only gets the signups he does because a) he's hot, b) he flirts outrageously and c)he has more piercings, tattoos etc. than you can shake a stick at - plus his 3ft dreads don't hurt.
Tell em you're a) under 20 (if you can carry it off) b) leaving the country in the next few months or b) you can't afford it. If they're good at their job, they'll let you walk on, especially if you're nice but firm.
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2006-02-28 10:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my point exactly sphagnum old bean, and then he writes this gem -
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-02-28 08:36:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
WOW. almost 3000 hits.
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NICE GOING YOU FUCKING MORON, ANYONE CAN WRITE A POST THAT SAYS "CAULAINCOURT GETS RAPED BY A HOMO MIDGET WHISLT MY GIRLFRIEND TAKES DVDA FROM A MOOSE, A GARDEN GNOME, BEATJUNKY AND SPAGNUM WITH PICTURES!!" AND GET SOME HEAT.
i hope retropenis turns insideout and is made love too by a raging leopard.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-28 10:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2006-02-28 08:46:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
awwww lil' retrospect got his knickers in a twist with a bit of retaliation, get lost you ugly fucktard, how about you write something other than a heat inducing post? or do you have no talent, that would be my guess, no talent.
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Yeah, What's the deal with that post? It's just a picture of some ugly, horse-faced bitch sitting next to a girl wearing too much make-up.
What's so fucking great about that?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-02-28 08:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahh dave, i knew you well...
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2006-02-28 08:46:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
awwww lil' retrospect got his knickers in a twist with a bit of retaliation, get lost you ugly fucktard, how about you write something other than a heat inducing post? or do you have no talent, that would be my guess, no talent.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-02-28 08:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
no
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2006-02-28 08:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just had power cut number 5 this month at work!
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Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-28 06:58:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2006-02-28 03:41:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
The only thing remotely funny about you is your overwhelming lack of funniness, dick for brains.
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Fuck off, Cumdumpster_dude.
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Sphagnum is gay <3 4 meh xxx
Submitted by modernpost (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A proper English person would tell them to Fuck Off!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I give debits to three bloody charities now after being caught by chuggers. I hate living in the bloody highstreet.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The post was meh but Niven gets you a point.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got gotted by Chuggers (charity muggers) a while back and now I give £6 a month to aids babies somewhere. I couldn't help it! My red faced mumbled apology about having to be somewhere else didn't discourage him, neither did the 18 carrier bags I was schlepping. He was irish and called me Princess! How could I say no? It's like some kind of psychological warfare!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey wait!
You were knocking Australians.
Fuck you!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-02-28 07:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe.
You know how to get out of that? Say these 3 words;
"FUCK THE WHALES!"
Do you think they are going to argue?
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2006-02-28 06:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm sarf african you cunt. good post though.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-28 06:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-02-28 06:38:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate those bastards. I just tell them all that I already donate and that I do the same thing up North.
Shuts them up and keeps money in my pocket