I rode a tonka truck off the roof and never let go (1077 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.56 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by skalors1 (View user info) at 2006-02-28 14:32:01 EST
It was the summer of 89. For most, it is probably remembered as the summer of love, sexual experimentation, and the fall of many of the great bands of the 1980's. For me, it was just another fucking summer on the farm: hot, boring and uneventful. Michigan summers were grueling. Though the average temperature in Michigan during the summer is around 90 degrees, the humidity was always on the upside of 20 to 30 percent. It made for long days working outside and finding little respite in our non-air-conditioned house (which by the way was more like a tomb in a feeble attempt to keep the sun, and consequently heat, outside of the house). My brother and I managed to keep busy, and when we did end up doing something outside, we usually caused serious trouble that we would spend the next 5 hours trying to fix or hide: or both.
My father worked third shift at Chrysler. He usually got home around 6 in the morning; which was always perfect timing because my brother and I were usually done with the morning chores by then. He usually went to bed around 11, and he always found a way to fill our day with menial, and useless, shit to do to pass our time, and would wake up for work at 6:30 and leave by 7. My mom was working in a gynecologist's office at that time in the city, which meant she would leave the house at 7 in the morning and would not get home until 6 at night. This meant that my brother and I usually had free reign of the house, if we were quiet, for a good 7 hours.
That was plenty of time to do something to piss our parents off. We succeeded most of the time too.
I was at that age where my brother could do no wrong. After all, he was in middle school and I wanted to be liked by him and his friends. It is the transitive property of coolness. My brother was cool, I was liked by my brother and was included in shit, and therefore I am cool. I was a fucking moron. So most of the time I was submitting myself, and my poor fragile body, to my brother's evil genius which usually involved things like climbing a tree to the top just so that my brother could laugh when the top branch would break on me.
During this point in our lives, we really enjoyed climbing up onto the roof of our ranch home. We wouldn't do anything particularly cool up there. For the most part, we would just jump around like dumb like monkeys and would end up getting into a fight until someone was hurt or fell off. That person was usually me, but that is neither here nor there.
It was during one of these adventures that my brother concocted an ingenious plan. He told me to stay on the roof and left for about 20 minutes. When he returned he had two things in hand. The first was my mom's brand new camcorder that she had just gotten a month or so earlier on her birthday. The second was a Toy Tonka Truck. I was nervous. I remembered that truck, not only from the pictures my parents had taken (they usually depicted a scene that involved my face being planted on a wall or me crying right after I took a dirt nap; real fucking funny), but also from the times that I do remember in the basement where my brother would use me as a bowling pin while he would run in to me with the truck. This was not going to be good. To bad I never realized it until after the fact.
The plan was simple; I was going to ride the truck off of the roof while he videotaped it. I was more than happy to oblige. If anything was going to make me cool, this was. So we set up. My brother was about 20 feet from the house and yelled for me to go. I didn't move. Common sense started prevailing. He yelled again, and still I did nothing. Finally my brother used words that would inspire even the weakest of little brothers, "You better go or I am going to come up there and throw you off myself."
So I picked up my legs and started rolling.
Even now, as we watch the video and my brother laughs his ass off, the whole thing seems surreal. I pick up my legs; my brother starts laughing into the camcorder and says "I can't believe the idiot is going to do this."
I watch myself roll closer to the ledge.
As I get to the end, I hit the gutter, which gives me a little surge forward on the vehicle.
I watch as I fall, becoming more and more vertical.
I witness my strength as I never once let go of the truck.
I then see my face plant. My body crumbles under the pressure. I break four ribs and my nose.
I then see the ground as my bother starts running towards me. He lays the camcorder down and all you hear is his laughter and a pseudo-voice of concern asking me if I am ok.
I was an idiot.
User Reviews
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-03-01 07:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're complaining about 90 degrees w/20-30% humiditly? WTF?!?!?!?!
Try dealing with 100 degrees w/90-100% humidity, then come talk to me. I love Maryland, but damn, insta-sweating isn't fun.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-01 06:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ooops, 1967 it was.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-01 06:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Summer of love was in 1969 but a great story this was anyway!!
Submitted by FistSoup (user info) at 2006-03-01 05:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being the little brother/punchingbag like I was.
You should post the video.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-02-28 20:11:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 story
-1 being a dumbass
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-02-28 17:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for tonka trucks and being a fellow older idiot of a brother
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-02-28 16:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice nice very nice. But take heart: someday your brother will need a kidney or some bone marrow or bail money or something. That's when it comes around.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-02-28 16:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I rode a tonka truck off the roof and never let go"
That may be one of the greatest titles I've ever read.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-02-28 16:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Having subjected my own little brother to various forms of torture I found this funny.
Submitted by skalors (user info) at 2006-02-28 15:25:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:38:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
The summer of 89 was the summer of love? Where the fuck was I?
Jesus. I thought that was the summer of 67. Sily me. Sexual experimentation? I thought THAT was in the late 60's too.
Weren't the 80's when everybody was freaking the fuck out about AIDS?
Anyway +1 for being a dipshit little brother. I was one too.
___________________________________________________________________________________
I was only implying that most kids had eventful summers whilst mine fucking sucked.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-02-28 15:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not shitty.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-02-28 15:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har idiot!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
still awesome.
btw 20% humidity on 90 degrees is a great summer. when it's over 100 degrees and over 100% humidity (that is apparently possible) and not raining then you can complain.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"That person was usually me, but that is neither here nor there. "
Then where is it?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The summer of 89 was the summer of love? Where the fuck was I?
Jesus. I thought that was the summer of 67. Sily me. Sexual experimentation? I thought THAT was in the late 60's too.
Weren't the 80's when everybody was freaking the fuck out about AIDS?
Anyway +1 for being a dipshit little brother. I was one too.
Submitted by skalors (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, if you want to consider the fact that this is not something I would do now, I think using past tense was more than appropriate.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:35:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hah.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was an idiot.
-----
was?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-02-28 14:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
My brother was a manager at Chrysler in London for years..