Why You Shouldn't Solicit Prostitutes-- Or Have Sex With Underage 14 Year Old Girls (5223 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.61 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2006-03-01 00:01:52 EST
More of my "Why You Shouldn't" series:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80824 Why You Shouldn't Allow Me To Attend Church
http://www.ubersite.com/m/45279 Why You Shouldn't Light Yourself On Fire
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61171 Why You Shouldn't Let Me Watch Your Kids
http://www.ubersite.com/m/64309 Why You Shouldn't Let Old People Own Cell Phones
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52167 Why You Shouldn't Make Fun Of Your Chemistry Teacher's Legless Husband
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Sorry, you asked for it. The 'Sideburns' name isn't good enough anymore to bring readers to my posts. My milkshake used to bring you to my yard because of all the unique flavors I kept popping out every week. Then, you realized I just kept mixing in the exact same flavors, just adding more and more sugar.
Plus, my posts suck. That's another good reason.
Basically, I have to resort to hitwhore titles. Don't worry, the prostitute portion of the title did happen.
I'm going to recall a story that happened to me about a year ago. It involves myself, a prostitute, and myself.... and me.
Firstly, prostitutes have to make their money just like anyone else. I'm not going to hate on them or their profession, but don't approach me if I don't solicit you, Mrs. Prostitute Woman. If you approach me and I oblige, I'm the one that gets arrested for soliciting you, even if you do solicit me. The excuse "But she solicited me first" doesn't fly with Mr. Police man as he's ducking your head into the back of his cruiser.
My true story starts off in the summer of 2005. I had bought my new car months earlier and had decided to take it to the gas station's car wash to shine it up. I pumped 20 dollars worth of gas into my small car because with 20 bucks of gas, you get a free car wash. I could only get 17 bucks into the tank, so I called a guy over and gave him 3 bucks worth of gas.
Now that I think about it, I'm a total fucking moron for doing that. The car was costs about 3 bucks. Maybe 4. Or 7 or 8. I forget.
I went inside to get my code for the car wash and the clerk tried to charge me for it. I explained that I paid for 20 dollars in gas, to which she responded that I needed a receipt to prove it. The manager then came over to fix things. As she was trying to figure out if I really did pump gas, I overheard her talking with the clerk about her new glasses.
"Yeah.. I got these right before me and Jimmy got married."
I tried to be funny.
"Oh... You had pre-marital specs, huh?"
It didn't work.
After the manager sorted things out, I was out the door, but not before giving the gas station clerk a thumb's up.
Instead of flipping people off, give them a thumb's up. They don't know how to take it. This girl sure didn't. She kind of smiled and waved, then made a "huh?" face after she realized that I gave her the thumbs up for being a complete retard. Durr. I hate gas station clerks with a passion only Hitler could understand.
I wanted to get out of that gas station anyway. It had a really eerie presence about it. Something just told me to get out of there.
Oh, it smelled like poop. That's why.
After shining up my car in the car wash, I was parked at the vacuum, cleaning out the interior. My doors and trunk were all wide open. My radio was on, I was cleaning, this was my fun day. I was in the zone. Leave me alone when I'm in the zone.
As I'm vacuuming, I notice some fat woman in a skin tight shirt trying to cross the street over to my side. The shirt was pretty much a bra, because it only covered her ugly fat boobs. Her fat legs rubbed together as she trotted along.
Trust me, I was NOT wishin' to be the friction in her jeans for fear that I might catch on fire.
She spotted me.
"Hey honey, can I get a favor?"
No, I don't sell girl scout cookies. And no, I don't have any leftover fast food in my backseat.
"Can I get a light? My lighter doesn't work."
I decided to oblige. I cranked the car and popped the lighter in. As I was waiting on it to heat up, she started telling me her obviously fake sob story. That lighter was fucking with me. It knew I was in a situation that I didn't want to be in, so it took a long-ass time to heat up.
"My husband just left me a few days ago. I ain't got no money to pay the bills. My kids are starvin'. I'm barely hangin' on. These are the only clean clothes I got cuz I can't afford anymore. Do these jeans make my butt look big?"
Okay, I've been trained on how to answer this question. If a girl asks if her butt looks big, you obviously tell her no.
This moment was an exception.
The woman was fat. Morbidly fat. So fat that I can recall many yo mama jokes to relate her fatness to, just to give you an idea of the obesity that we're dealing with here.
Yes, they make you look fat. That shirt you're wearing makes you look fat. I'm sure that every outfit you wear you look fat in. Don't you have a mirror? You look fat in that too. You know what? Screw it. I'm hungry. Let's go to McDonald's.
As she's explaining her little story, Hitler's very own Nazi clerk decides to pop her head out of the door and yell at me for soliciting a prositute.
You dumb clerk bitch. You're just jealous because my job can afford me the (optional) luxury of affording a prostitute. Now get your $5.15 cent an hour ass back inside and fill up the beer freezer. It's almost 5 o'clock and men everywhere are returning home from work.
"Hey you! I told you to get the hell outta here! We have a restraining order to keep you off our property!"
At this point, I still didn't know what was going on. I guess I should've known she was a prostitute, but I don't hang out with prostitutes on a daily basis, so I couldn't really pinpoint what her job title was. If anything, I'd say stay at home wife. A really fat stay at home wife who does nothing BUT stay at home. On the couch. Eating Cheetos.
"Oh shit!", the prostitute started freaking out. "Baby, can you give me a ride to a bar down the street? They don't like me here!"
I assumed that they didn't want her here because she had stolen something. You can rule out Diet Pepsi.
She ran around to the passenger side of my car and hopped in.
Well, it was more or less a slow, crawling in process, but you get the picture. Doesn't this woman have anything better to do than harass me? I don't know-- like... eat. Or go prostitutionalize.
Fuck you, I can make words up too.
"I'm calling the police right now! Get that tag number!", the clerk screamed to her manager.
"Wait!", I jumped out of my car and headed toward the clerk. "What the fuck did I do?"
"You're gettin' ready to go to a hotel with that prostitute".
THAT PROSTITUTE was now running off across the street, then disappeared into the woods. Kind of like a deer. A really slow deer with high heels and a purse.
But man, if you were to catch a deer with that much meat, you could feed every starving village in the world.
"I wasn't picking up a prostitute, I was washing my car!"
"You can tell that to the police!", the manager said as she hung up the phone.
Instead of taking off pissed and risking getting into trouble later, I decided to stay and tell my story to the officer.
A few minutes later, he walked in. "Is this the guy?"
"Yes sir it is.", the Nazi said.
"Okay sir. I need you to put your hands behind your back for me."
Sir? Did he just call me a sir? A sign of respect? THEN ask me to put my hands behind my back? That's like a rapist saying "You're a very well respected woman in your community, Mrs. Smith. Now pull your panties down".
There I sat, my back against the wall, my hands behind my back. An innocent man, his only guilt being the hate of a dirty car. Le sigh.
After explaining the situation, and getting the clerk to admit that I was indeed just washing my car, I was let go. But, before exiting, I was told by the officer "I don't want to see you around here again."
What the fuck is that? I don't do anything wrong and you tell me not to show up around here again?
Ha! The joke's on you, because this is my path to work everyday. Sucker!
I swear to God, it'd almost be worth getting a job at Krispy Kreme just to spit in your box of donuts every time you come in, officer. Almost.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-03-27 14:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Dacin (user info) at 2006-03-21 04:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not good enough to bring readers in? Your name on the MVA list is what started me on Uber and my shitty posts! Good work though, Gas attendants blow ass
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2006-03-04 01:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're lying. No one could possibly be as much of a bitch as that clerk.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sideburns name not good enough" my ass. Lookit all the hits!
This was a great story, well told. Reviews are funny too.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-01 21:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:03:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2006-03-01 10:52:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
One summer, I worked at a gas station.
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My mom worked at a gas station when I was 17. It was horrible.
All the free soda, candy, chips, and hotdogs I want. She turned her cheek when I drove away with a tank full of gas..
Absolutely horrible.
-------------------------
How did your mom get you all that free stuff, were the clerks distracted while they were kicking her out of the parking lot for prostitution?
ZING!!!!
hahah
ha
hhhhh...
okay that was pretty bad.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-03-01 21:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 21:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THEN PRETEND TO LIKE IT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! DUUURRRR!
Stupid honest people and their opinions. I MADE YOU! I MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE! YOU'D BE NOTHING WITHOUT ME! NOTHING!
I created you, I can destroy you! BWAHAAHAHAHAHA.
...sorry.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-03-01 21:25:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead of flipping people off, give them a thumb's up. They don't know how to take it. This girl sure didn't. She kind of smiled and waved, then made a "huh?" face after she realized that I gave her the thumbs up for being a complete retard.
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I am really going to try this.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-01 19:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just couldn't get into this one, Burnsie.
There were some good lines, but it seemed a bit disjointed.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-03-01 15:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:51:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, needs more rape of gas station employee. You should club her like a baby seal.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more nekkid
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-03-01 13:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry, you asked for it. The 'Sideburns' name isn't good enough anymore to bring readers to my posts. My milkshake used to bring you to my yard because of all the unique flavors I kept popping out every week. Then, you realized I just kept mixing in the exact same flavors, just adding more and more sugar.
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That line was GOLD. HOO BOY!
More LND so I can finally finish off this marathon masturbation session, please.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-01 13:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84519#1862128
I'm not on your testicles, I don't give a shit about you. I simply commented a review, regardless of its author.
Stop taking yourself so seriously.
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was laughing right up until they accused you of soliciting.
I stopped laughing only because of my own experiences with that sort of thing.
Still pretty freaking funny, though.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:19:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cops suck.
So when you shoot at them, aim for the head, or the balls...the vest don't cover the balls.
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..what if they're wearing a cup?
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cops suck.
So when you shoot at them, aim for the head, or the balls...the vest don't cover the balls.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-03-01 05:54:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
because I know you take it personally
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My rating! My beautifu over 1.0 rating! Why must you do such a thing? It's like the Holocaust, except with my ratings! Damn you, vile man! Damn you to hell!
Yep.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2006-03-01 10:52:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
One summer, I worked at a gas station.
-----
My mom worked at a gas station when I was 17. It was horrible.
All the free soda, candy, chips, and hotdogs I want. She turned her cheek when I drove away with a tank full of gas..
Absolutely horrible.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:02:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:38:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sir? Did he just call me a sir? A sign of respect? THEN ask me to put my hands behind my back? That's like a rapist saying "You're a very well respected woman in your community, Mrs. Smith. Now pull your panties down".
Brilliant
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Hey Zoidy. Glad to see some regulars still exist these days.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Viper_04 (user info) at 2006-03-01 03:41:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love you...in a non-homo-erotic kind of way...maybe...
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...well I do love you in a homo-erotic way.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 11:59:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
p.s. Why not try a sexy new camwhore?
----
very well. you asked for it.
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2006-03-01 10:52:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One summer, I worked at a gas station.
+ 2
"You're a very well respected woman in your community, Mrs. Smith. Now pull your panties down".
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy fuck. I know this is gross generalization, but I'm not surprised this happened in the US. Very frustrating to say the least.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I assumed that they didn't want her here because she had stolen something. You can rule out Diet Pepsi."
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sir? Did he just call me a sir? A sign of respect? THEN ask me to put my hands behind my back? That's like a rapist saying "You're a very well respected woman in your community, Mrs. Smith. Now pull your panties down".
Brilliant
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the deuce, good fellow? If perchance they are propelling themselves toward you, it can be readily inferred that their motivation is an irresistible desire for some unspecified thing. Is it not more seemly that you should be their champion and benefactor than that they should become urchins, skulking about the slums, forsooth?"
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i miss sweet but nasty sideburns posts.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:53:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:46:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not polite to hit a woman, but that was a thing. Once she(it) entered your personl space you should've started kicking and punching that thing.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-01 07:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a definite lack of 14 year old sex in this.
My pedophilic tendencies have not been curbed.
Seriously, when she started to get in your car you need to (loudly and publicly) start yelling "What are you doing?!?! Get out of my car!"
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-01 07:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:14:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
those people reek of racism
--------------------------------
Well I am baffled.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-03-01 07:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
re: 14 y/olds
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-01 06:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stufff!
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2006-03-01 06:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Premarital Specs... I'm gonna steal it.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-01 06:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, a good old fashioned 'Burns post.
Keep em coming.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-03-01 05:54:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
because I know you take it personally
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-01 04:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You're a very well respected woman in your community, Mrs. Smith. Now pull your panties down".
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2006-03-01 03:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd give you a flamethrower to ward them off, but you probably have one.
Submitted by ScotchTape (user info) at 2006-03-01 03:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thumbs up
I mean that in the best way possible, of course.
Submitted by Viper_04 (user info) at 2006-03-01 03:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love you...in a non-homo-erotic kind of way...maybe...
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-01 03:39:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-03-01 01:33:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:21:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Should of sticked to having sex with 14yrs old
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"Sticked"??
~~~~
Haha, how appropriate!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-01 02:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-01 02:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The 'Sideburns' name isn't good enough anymore to bring readers to my posts.
-----
Maybe you should change your name to Ozymandias...
p.s. Why not try a sexy new camwhore?
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-03-01 01:34:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One more for the road.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84683#1861445
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-03-01 01:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:21:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Should of sticked to having sex with 14yrs old
----------------------------------
"Sticked"??
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-03-01 01:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great story
Submitted by HawthorneHeights (user info) at 2006-03-01 01:02:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trust me, I was NOT wishin' to be the friction in her jeans for fear that I might catch on fire.
auto +2 Fall Out Boy reference.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do they make a patch for prostitutes?
if so, i need to wear it.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:57:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whores suck.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:57:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because $5.15 aparently makes you bitter. And I'm taking you up on the thumbs-up-a-thon.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:34:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
What's so special about 14 year old Canadian prostitutes?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been asking myself that for years. Still can't seem to quit.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:34:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
What's so special about 14 year old Canadian prostitutes?
*******
their pussy's smell like Hoppes #9
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:32:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes. I could have said 'underage' without adding in '14 year old girls'.
//
Now that I think about it, it does make more sense your way, inasmuch as this site is concerned, hits and all. Thank god, at least one other hetero male out there. [http://www.ubersite.com/m/84672#1860998]. I feel better.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:34:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
What's so special about 14 year old Canadian prostitutes?
==================================================================================================
They're all direct descendants of the Merovingian bloodline of Alain Leflamme.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:35:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's so special about 14 year old Canadian prostitutes?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes. I could have said 'underage' without adding in '14 year old girls'.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why Vietnam ? Just go to Canada !
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
THAT PROSTITUTE was now running off across the street, then disappeared into the woods. Kind of like a deer. A really slow deer with high heels and a purse.
//
ha.
Just by the way, isn't your title, hang on, isn't there something redundant in your title?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Aitsu (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:25:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
What's this story got to do with underage sex?
--------
I was 12 when it happened.
Submitted by Aitsu (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's this story got to do with underage sex?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:21:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Should of sticked to having sex with 14yrs old
------
That would involve going to Vietnam.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:21:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should of sticked to having sex with 14yrs old
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:17:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have used the vacuum to lipo her fat ass.
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Do you realize how much giblet gravy that would make?
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:17:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have used the vacuum to lipo her fat ass.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
those people reek of racism
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2006-03-01 00:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmic.