The ShamRock Open - The Blarney Stone (617 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2006-03-01 08:19:19 EST
Marv lurches forward in a flimsy wooden chair and knocks over a mug of green beer. The foamy liquid runs across the table, leaks over the edges into his lap, and stains his woolen over-shirt.
He doesn't notice, because he's staring at her. She's hot, all legs, long black hair and is wearing some sort of space invader outfit. He's never seen anyone dress that way for Saint Patrick's Day, but it's still damn hot.
They're both sloshed. He knows she's drunk because she's been letting guys put their hands all over her all night long. She didn't make sound or even flinch when Bubba the illiterate truck driver groped her with his greasy lumberjack hands.
Marv sighs and stares at her. The charcoal sheen of her ebony hair reflects bits of light from the neon signs that are dangling around the smoke filled bar.
He's been drinking since twelve past twelve and he doesn't really remember when she came in. Perhaps she's more beautiful now that he's drunk. Perhaps he's more couth.
After a few minutes of internal debate, he falls out of his chair, stands up and staggers across the half full room.
"Hey babe," he slurs at her.
There's no response and she stares straight ahead. She's even more beautiful now that he can see her curvaceous body at such a close parameter.
Marv curls his hands into tight fists by his side and tries to count backwards from ten before he speaks.
"Ten---nine---eight---seven---what?"
Marv knows he only needs to employ the smallest trace of charm. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a round solid mass.
"This is my piece o' the blarney stone," he whispers as he leans into her. His face is inches away from her bosom, he can smell her perfume, and almost taste her skin. If he wasn't so drunk, he'd cum in his pants. He'd jack off all over that bitch.
He clears his throat, gestures with both hands and says, "Old Mahony, a friend of mine once said there is a stone there, that whoever kisses, Oh he never misses, to grow eloquent."
That's what Marv says, but it sounds more like, "fran o my one say there's some there and kiss oh kiss, growin' hell o plants."
He spends the rest of the night trying to sweet talk the lady. It goes on and on and on to no avail.
The two bartenders behind the counter nervously eye Marv while they clean up at the end of the night.
Marv's pants are wrapped around his ankles and he's rubbing his cock up and down the juke box slurring out the words, "Oh baby, oh baby. Wanna feel my blarney stone?"
"What's he doing?" Rob asks Dave.
"I think," Dave says, "that he thinks that juke box is a woman."
Rob stops wiping the bar and sighs. "We're going to have to throw him out again, aren't we?"
Dave is already pushing his sleeves up and mumbles, "Yeah, man," as he saunters out into the bar.
"Marv," he says in a cool calm voice. "We're going to have to ask you to leave."
Marv reels back and swings at them, belligerent and sure of himself. "Why you guys always gotta be such cocks blocks," he yells. "I've been trying to talk to this woman for weeks now and you keep throwing me out."
Marv pulls a dried piece of dog shit out of his pocket, kisses it and says, "There is a stone here, that whoever kisses, Oh he never misses, to grow eloquent."
They heave him out into the street as he screams, "I was gonna get lucky tonight. I was gonna get lucky!"
User Reviews
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-03-03 03:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Liked that one. I thought the ending was a little soft, as compared to how well the drunken pickup was described.
"She's hot, all legs, long black hair and is wearing some sort of space invader outfit." Didn't catch that one until the second time over.
And the fact that he pulled dog poo out of his pocket, this of course, pleased me.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-03-02 17:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A guy dry-humping a jukebox would normally be an auto +2, but one line kind of threw everything off to me. "He spends the rest of the night trying to sweet talk the lady. It goes on and on and on to no avail." To me, that seems to end the post, not set up the ending. That really just chopped everything up.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-02 17:34:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
scourge approves of this post
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-03-02 11:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:33:12 (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't get it.
it read well, entertaining, but what was the point? that the guy was shitfaced?
You write about him and he still doesn't get it....?
Something about this seemed a little...I don't know. You just kinda dropped the punchline in there and then finished the joke, for lack of a better analogy. Because I suck at writing and English and stuff.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-03-01 18:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChurleR (user info) at 2006-03-01 18:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I see it every weekend here.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-03-01 13:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good show...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-01 11:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is funny. It needed something extra at the end. The "reveal" wasn't as effective as some of your other stuff.
A really good read, though. Dried dog turds never cease to amuse me.
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2006-03-01 10:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:41:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to live in your head for just a little while.
I wonder if the fact that I laughed as heartily at this as I did, means there is something wrong with me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:41:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to live in your head for just a little while.
I wonder if the fact that I laughed as heartily at this as I did, means there is something wrong with me.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a lot of trouble rating this...
Because I didn't feel it had enough OOMPH (is that a word?) to make it +2...But +1 wasn't good enough...
Whatever fuck it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: Hiya.
Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead
of ya.
El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i can relate to the wanting to sleep with a jukebox, but not with public nudity or kissing dog shit...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:10:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:02:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just as well I've never really kissed it, then. Why'd you have to call me on my bullshit?
--------------------------------------
I didn't think you were BS'ing, thousands of tourists kiss it every year.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Oh, and I laughed.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-01 09:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just as well I've never really kissed it, then. Why'd you have to call me on my bullshit?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:35:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I kissed the Blarney Stone. But not that one.
----------------
You know teenagers break into that park and piss on that stone?
Neither did I until the night after I kissed it and the Irish girl I was with and I got loaded at some local party.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:35:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I kissed the Blarney Stone. But not that one.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha. this was funny and entertaining. brief as always.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:33:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't get it.
it read well, entertaining, but what was the point? that the guy was shitfaced?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-01 08:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To grow eloquent - ever so amusing my little leprechaun!