Fuck Me, I'm Irish - Shamrock Open (1279 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Shamrock_Open_2006
Rating: 1.5 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2006-03-01 11:18:28 EST
St. Patty's Day has always been one of my favorite days of the year. Growing up we always celebrated, it was the one day of the year that I knew I'd get to drink beer. As I grew older I found that it's the one day of the year I could almost guarantee I could hook up. I hoped that this year would be no different.
I don't think I'm much to look at, my shockingly red hair is mostly unkempt, not because I don't try but because it's out of control. It's always had a mind of its own and the longer I let it grow the stronger willed it seems. I've got so many freckles that in the summer they disappear as my tan fills in the empty space. I do recognize that my bright green eyes tend to grab attention and I've been told by more than one woman that they're eyes to drown in. I might have gotten a little softer over the years but I'm in relatively good shape, round is a shape right? Just kidding. Like I said I don't think much of my appearance but it works for me.
This year I made plans with my buddies to spend St. Patty's chasing girls at Murphy's pub, my favorite bar in the area. Tonight the Pogues are performing, the whiskey's on tap, and the beer is free. We walked through the door to raucous sounds of the band playing and surveyed the scene. Drunken people, all dressed in green, were dancing, singing, and chugging down green beers. I spotted several young women who I mentally marked to talk to then we made our way to the bar.
One of the guys ordered a round of Jameson, we took our shots and I ordered a half and half. Paying for my beer I turn to my friends and tell them good luck as I make my way out to the dance floor to dance.
I've got a good sense of humor and I've never been shy about using some of the cheesy pickup lines to start a conversation with a girl. So I danced up to a beautiful brunette and said "you know, if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together". Rolling her eyes I see her mouth shape the word "cute" and then she turns away from me. I see another attractive young woman dancing a few feet over and make my way toward her. "Did your dad work for NAPA? Cause you've got all the right parts in all the right places." This time the shape of the word appears to be "dumb ass" and once again I'm dancing with myself. Any good fisherman knows that after a few casts you may still be without a hit and this is no different. I move to the next girl I'd noted and winked before saying "that shirt is very becoming on you; I'd be cumming if I were on you too." I wasn't expecting this little blonde to pack such a wallop but when she slapped me I think the people around us could hear it over the band.
I don't really expect any of these to work you know. I just think its fun to see the reactions of girls. I do have one line that I not only expect will work but know for a fact it will work almost every time. The rest are for fun this one I reserve for the girl I decide I want to bed.
As I walk past another blonde I say "That shirt looks nice on you but it'd look even better crumpled up beside my bed." She tries to pretend she didn't hear me as I continue walking past, winking and smiling as her eyes meet mine.
I head back to the bar for a refill and the band begins a rowdy drinking song. Much of the crowd is singing along swinging their mugs from side to side in time with the music. As the bartender brings me my pint I finally see her. I see the one I want to take home and her twin sister. They're both luxuriously tall with long chestnut hair. Their blue eyes are nearly the color of sapphires and their smiles light up the area around them with a confident ease. They're both wearing green sweaters that cling closely to every curve of their lean long bodies. They're talking and laughing with each other and I see that their drinks are nearly empty so I turn to the barkeep and ask what they're drinking. He chuckles as he fills their order for me and says "I don't know how those two are still standing. You're easily the tenth guy that's bought them drinks." He outright laughs at me as I tell him that I'll be taking them home shortly.
Taking the drinks I walk to the girls and hand them the refills and before they can say anything I look them both in the eye and let em have it. "Fuck me, I'm Irish" I don't know why this works but it does. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that I do look the part, I don't know, but it rarely fails and tonight's no exception. I nod at the bartender as I escort the ladies, one on each arm out of the bar.
The next morning I wake amidst a jumble of legs, breasts, and arms. I wake the girls and offer to cook breakfast. They looked at me as though they'd seen me for the first time before finally accepting, telling me they had something to tell me.
I put breakfast on the table and sat down to join the girls. "You said you had something to tell me?"
"We know your secret"
"What do you mean?"
"Not every guy, especially guys that look like you can take girls like us home, in fact most guys can't. We fell prey to it but we know how you do it."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I just brought you drinks and started talking to you. I didn't do anything special."
"You mean you don't even know?" They looked at each other in surprise and laughed. "Have you ever kissed the Blarney Stone?"
"Yeah I kissed it the last time I visited my grandparents in Ireland. Why?"
"So you're of Irish descent and you kissed the Blarney Stone. That's your secret. When a man of Irish descent kisses the stone several things happen. First you shouldn't kiss that thing. Teenagers like to pee on it to give a little extra to all the tourists who kiss it. More importantly though, you're endowed with the luck of the Irish and from then on hold the key to any girl's heart, or pants at least, with four simple words."
"People piss on the Blarney Stone? That's nasty. What do you mean the "luck of the Irish"?"
"We should be going. You do have the luck and even seem to know how to unlock it; at least you did last night. We're not going to tell you if you really don't know though because it's really not fair to any of us girls."
I replayed last night's scene and others before it back in my mind as the girls began to leave and then it hit me. "Hey girls, fuck me, I'm Irish."
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-02 18:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this post has earned the scourge seal of approval.
Additionally, the mere mention of the Pogues should garner anyone a +2.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
from one of the only Irish on Uber
I loved this.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-03-01 17:00:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, I've been lurking for a while, got all motivated to write something so I signed up. Then I found your survivor series and Nath's zombie fighting series and went right back to lurking.
I have nowhere else to address you so.....
You got motivated but have not yet posted. will you be doing so? What'd you think of Survivor? Were there particular things you liked/disliked? I wish I was disciplined enough to do a rewrite.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-02 00:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
I like it.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-01 21:58:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So what are the magic words?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-03-01 21:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not your best bit I just love the title!
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-01 21:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-01 17:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was a fun title Brdn! It was! But this: "It sounded like such a fun title when I first got it and then every false start drained just a little more hope from me." Is something I totally understand. You can't force the muse out. You have to coax her out with promise of cookies and punch.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-03-01 17:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, I've been lurking for a while, got all motivated to write something so I signed up. Then I found your survivor series and Nath's zombie fighting series and went right back to lurking.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-01 16:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I do take that as a compliment but I really did try. I had a difficult time with this title. It sounded like such a fun title when I first got it and then every false start drained just a little more hope from me. Spacegrass, never seen you round here before, you've read other stuff of mine?
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-03-01 16:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think you're the victim of your own success here. We expect more from you. Maybe we're just selfish.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-01 16:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pretty mixed reaction here. oh well O-man will soon beat my ass then I can sit back and read.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"worth reading"
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-01 13:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it...
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Brdn_Nkd: Not bad, but it could have been better, I know and have read better material coming from you.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed this...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:07:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit, didn't mean to put that there.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-01 12:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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One time....in Ireland....(Think "One time...at bandcamp....")
HighVoltage900 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/84696
wardy - http://www.ubersite.com/m/84710
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Fuck me I'm Irish
Orgasmatron
Brdn_nkd - http://www.ubersite.com/m/84708
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The Banshee to Dublintown Came
Circe - http://www.ubersite.com/m/84685
CaptainThorns - http://www.ubersite.com/m/84607
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The Blarney Stone
Crystle
ghola - http://www.ubersite.com/m/84693
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Where's Me Lucky Charms?
badassmofo
scourge
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Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-03-01 11:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Fuck me, I'm Irish" I don't know why this works but it does.
///
I'm at a loss for why that works myself. Funny regardless. Maybe enough girls watch Conan now that it's starting to wear them down.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-01 11:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really struggled with this title. I didn't want to take the obvious path and turn it into a big text porn post. I considered several times of trying to use it in the heritage sense, you know, FUCK me, I'm Irish? kind of thing but I couldn't make that work. I didn't think this was that lackluster but oh well.
incidentily, this may be the first post I've submitted in a competition that did not involve the death of one or more characters.
Thanks for reading.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-01 11:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"First you shouldn't kiss that thing. Teenagers like to pee on it to give a little extra to all the tourists who kiss it." You've been lurking around the replies of ghola's post.
I dunno dude, this kind of disappointed me. I mean it was interesting and everything but still... I didn't laugh out loud or go "Holy shit that's awesome." or even "My penis is engorging with blood as I read this."
Submitted by drivebyasshole (user info) at 2006-03-01 11:26:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Not great.