The Muskrat Wars (Part 1) (531 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by skalors1 (View user info) at 2006-03-01 16:39:33 EST
(Sorry for the repost, I forgot the category)
As some of you know from a previous post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/84663), I grew up on a farm. As I look back on my childhood, albeit fulfilling, I realize that we may have had fun, but we had fun doing the strangest, and probably the dumbest shit any child could have done. Most of my friends lived about within an 8 mile radius of my home. We spent our summer and winter breaks riding our bikes, later snowmobiles and dirt bikes, to one another's houses. We did everything from bee-bee gun wars to floating down the river next to Jason's house on ice blocks.
In fact, that river next to Jason's house holds quite a few memories from my youth.
I was 13, and the summer in Michigan was very dry. We had been in the midst of a drought for about 3 months, and most of the small streams in the area had dried up. Fortunately for us, or so we thought, Jason's little river had not. As the end of July neared we began to witness some strange migrations of animals. At Donald's birthday party we found, and fucked with, the biggest snapping turtle I have ever seen. It must have been 200 pounds.
I spent the next 5 summers fearful of losing an appendage in my pond.
Even the muskrats were on the move; unfortunately they seemed to think that Jason's river, more importantly right next to Jason's house, was a perfect place for a new home. Most of us hated anything muskrat related. At least three of my friends had received the standard dose for rabies (thirteen shots in the stomach) because of those mean, dirty little bastards. Many more of us narrowly escaped their attacks. So it was natural for us to want to make their lives a living hell.
For most of the month of August, we devoted about three to four hours every two days to pelt the muskrats, and their nests, with rocks. Though they were visibly angry, they dared not challenge us on our own turf.
However, despite all of our efforts and much to our dismay, the muskrat commune continued to grow.
Drastic measures were going to be needed. It was at that moment that we decided to take the fight to their own turf.
Armed with bee-bee guns, the unlimited resource of wood and rocks, binder twine from my barn, and the combined intelligence of superior creatures, we put our plan into motion. We assembled a raft, probably very akin to one you would have witnessed Huck Fin ride down the mighty Mississippi on, and decided, through a very intense game of paper rock scissors, which one of us was going to have the distinct honor of riding it down the river to rain fire and brimstone down upon the unsuspecting invaders. Jason won.
We went over the plan one more time. Jason, armed with huge ass rocks, was going to ride the edge of one of the banks. When he would reach the last nest, he would bombard that nest with rocks. Ultimately, his final destination was the culvert that ran underneath the road about twenty feet away from the first target. Using the same technique we used when we would ride ice blocks down the river, he intended to pull himself off of the raft and run into the road. Donald was waiting on the other side of the culvert to retrieve the raft so we could make another pass after our first successful run and Brad, Josh, Jeff and I would provide Jason cover support when the evil muskrat hordes attempted a counter-attack. The plan was fucking perfect.
We loaded Jason onto the raft with his huge ass rocks, known then as HAR devices, and started down the river. Brad and Jeff took to the trees on the left side of river whilst Josh and I sat at the top of the culvert loaded and ready to go. Though we were aware that our bee-bee guns would not kill these devilish creatures, our hopes were only to deter them. The power was in the HAR's.
As Jason approached the last nest, he lifted the HAR into the air, releasing it right as he passed in front of it.
It was not a direct hit. That muskrat was pissed.
Jason, abandoning all hope of support jumps off of the raft and quickly climbs onto shore. The muskrat is snapping and growling right behind him.
Jason is already in tears when the muskrat bites his ankle. Jason's face turns from one of fear to one of outrage. As he regains his confidence, the muskrat loses his. Jason quickly grabs a log, turns, and begins to chase the fleeing muskrat. However, to us watching, it appeared to be too little to late for revenge; the muskrat was very close to the water, his escape into his unearthly dwelling place seemed inevitable.
It is said that in our most desperate moments, our true selves come to the surface. Jason was a very desperate man at that moment; desperate to kill that muskrat. With anger burning within him like the fire from a thousand suns, Jason ninja leaps into the air. Bringing the log over his head; he seems to hang in the air interminably. The log, unlike the HAR, hits the muskrat directly, splitting his side open just as Jason himself lands in the water.
The dead muskrat is floating quickly down the river. Jason, with a look of desperation, immediately started swimming to retrieve it. That was his only salvation from 13 shots in the stomach. He could not let it escape.
However, the muskrat was caught in a current and was definitely moving to quickly to be caught from behind, so Jason called for Donald who was conveniently posted on the other side of the culvert. Donald did indeed answer, but he was on the road dragging the raft back across. Jason was doomed.
What surprised us the most is that none of the other muskrats came to the aide of their now fallen comrade? It became apparent to us boys that they were indeed noble creatures, despite the evil within their blackened souls.
Nonetheless, first blood had been shed. Both sides had suffered loses.
The war had just begun.
(to be continued)
User Reviews
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-01 17:40:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good shizzle.
Submitted by skalors (user info) at 2006-03-01 17:14:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, I am not quite "with it" in regards to the inner-workings of ubersite. That or I could simply lack common sense:)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-01 17:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you don't have to repost because of the category, you goofball.