The Story of Jake Corman (999 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: storyof...
Rating: 1.36 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spencer Thompson (View user info) at 2006-03-02 00:15:15 EST
Jake Corman sat alone on the wet park bench, staring nervously at the lunch box in his lap as he quietly stomped a pigeon to death. The pigeon was putting up a good fight, but Jake was shy and earnest, and before long it had succumbed to the brute force of his Sketchers, which lit up and looked cool. None of the other boys would ever play with him, even though he had a watch that lit up whenever you pushed a button on its side, too. He was polite, as his mother had always told him to be, but he found that with the kids at his new school it simply didn't matter how many pleases and thank yous he said: they always told him to go stomp pigeons.
Jake still remembers that spring so many years ago when he stomped his first pigeon. His family had just moved into town, leaving all of Jake's friends, and his native language, behind. At first it was just a defense mechanism. "Just keep stomping this pigeon," Jake whispered quietly to himself, fighting to hold back tears, "just keep stomping until they stop teasing you." But Jake soon learned that no matter how much and how well he stomped pigeons, he couldn't escape. No matter how hard he stomped on pigeons, he would eventually have to face the boys, and bear their rejection.
"You're much too corpulent to play four square," laughed the first graders. They played four square every recess, with a ball that lit up, and was cool. Some of the boys also had super balls that lit up, too. All Jake had was a velcro wallet, and it didn't light up no matter what you did to it. They rejected him, dismissing him with a quick taunt to "go stomp some pigeons."
A love for pigeon stomping did not immediately grow within Jake. At first, he hated it. With every pigeon he stomped, he could only think of the first graders' rejection, and of all the things he owned that didn't light up. Only his shoes and his watch, which only lit up whenever you pushed a button on its side. And so he would sit there on the park bench, the rain water wetting his bottom while he ate his lunch, cried, and stomped pigeons. He stomped partly as a mean to express himself, but he stomped mostly out of anger. Soon a small pile of stomped pigeons had built up around him, and the bell to return to class would finally, mercifully, ring. However he would only return the next day to the same park bench to stomp again, and again, and again. The pigeons were probably taken away by cats. Cats which did not light up.
But Jake noticed something. With each passing day, he got a little bit better at stomping pigeons. More and more pigeons would find themselves stomped beneath his Sketchers, each stomp cleaner than the last. He had developed into almost an art form, a precise methodology. First he stomped the pigeon. Then his shoes lit up. Then he stomped another pigeon. All the while he would sit on the park bench, his hands deeply in his pockets. He tried not to look at the other boys. He knew they were looking at him. What he didn't see, though, was the look on the boys' faces. They had watched him for weeks as he stomped pigeons, criticizing his form. Then one day they noticed something. His form wasn't all that bad. And all the pigeon stomping had eaten away the layers of baby fat that had plagued him for so long.
Finally one day, one of the boys approached him.
"We're sorry we made fun of you, would you like to come play four square with us?"
Jake could only smile and stomp a pigeon.
Today, Jake Corman works in the Pennsylvania State Senate. He's a fucking dumbass and doesn't own anything that lights up, at all.
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-03 01:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FistSoup (user info) at 2006-03-02 06:12:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
O.K. so what's the deal with Jake Corman?
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He sent me a letter saying he was all about the traditional marriage. =(
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-02 08:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh like a fucking idiot.
Thank you.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-02 08:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Down with pigeons.
Submitted by FistSoup (user info) at 2006-03-02 06:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
O.K. so what's the deal with Jake Corman?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-02 02:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LA Lights reference on my latest post.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-02 02:28:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spence, uh... YOu off your meds?
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-03-02 01:46:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahaHAHAHAHA. Ah. I'll go to sleep on this.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-02 01:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the mere fact that you reminded me of a time when I owned me a pair of L.A. Lights.
And they certainly kicked ass.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-02 00:55:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-03-02 00:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-02 00:22:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
1st graders using the word; corpulent?
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No, they don't.
*WINK*
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-02 00:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
1st graders using the word; corpulent?
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-03-02 00:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-03-02 00:21:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
That was just really odd. Pigeons are way too fast for fat ass little boys to stomp on them anyways. They'd probably kick his ass. In fact if you had the boy raped and eaten by a mob of pigeons, this story would've been alot better.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-03-02 00:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just wanna say that I don't care what anybody says, I at least enjoyed writing it.