Workings of the Death Star (834 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.52 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alex DeWitt <alex.dewitt.at.ntlworld.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-02 06:47:20 EST
According to the Star Wars technical journal ... and stay with me here... the diameter of the Death Star is 120,000m, so its volume must be 9.1x10^11 cubic kilometres. Assuming it is made of a material of similar density to titanium, that would give it a mass of 4000 billion tons. The energy this ship has at rest is E=mc^2 = 360 million trillion joules. This equation shows us that feeding energy into a body increases its mass, therefore, removing energy will decrease its mass. If all of this energy can be removed from the Death Star then it will prepared for light speed travel. But how can we remove 360 million trillion joules? I claim that team Death Star© used the most energy sapping entity known to man: Monday mornings. By careful control of inter-galactic time zones, the Death Star was powered up only on Monday mornings, when a short burst of the propulsion system (see below) would have carried it unlimited distances due to Newton's first law of motion. Note that the Monday Morning Effect is estimated to remove 90% of the Death Star's energy, the remaining 10% would have been removed by writing in an A-level English exam so hard you make a little dent on your second finger when the pen was.
Now, the Death Star can travel at 1.2 times the speed of light. As gravitational waves travel at the speed of light, the Death Star would overtake its own gravity, causing a 'gravitational boom', which will double the gravitational pull on anything it passes. If it passed on its travels within a few thousand kilometres of a planet, the oceans of that planet would all be instantaneously drawn up, then released, causing massive global tidal waves. This would cause far greater economic disaster then the simple blowing up of planets. So Vader must have been overcompensating for something, driving around the universe, blowing up planets with that huge throbbing laser. Post-neo-feminists would see this as a case of 'übersexuality', which is marked by displays of consumption, and the image of being supremely confident, masculine, and stylishly committed to uncompromising quality in all areas of life.
But I digress.
Now as we all know, a buttered piece of toast, if dropped, will land butter side down. Whilst a cat, if dropped, will always land on its feet. Therefore, logically, if we butter the back of a cat, it will levitate, spinning, just above the floor. I propose that it was not, as claimed, brilliant Imperial Engineering which propelled the Death Star, but an array of synchronised buttered cat dropping storm troopers. Being crafty fellows, I assume that Lord Vader and Emperor Palpatine would also have known that passing a wire through a magnetic field induces in it a current. So, by strapping tiny magnets to the cats' paws they could have doubled their efficiency by using them to power the electrical systems of the Death Star as well. 400,000 tubs of Utterly Butterly® per quarter would be a small price to pay for super-luminal travel. Only a small problem would have remained, the natural habitat of the domestic cat... well lets widen that to wild cats as well... is not the cold black void of space where no-one can hear you meow. This is why the moon of Tilnes hosted a secet Kitekat factory, and a miniature space helmet production line.
Finally, analysis of all Star Wars films and literature shows the absence of one artifact we would commonly find here on Earth: the miror. At no point do we see Leia examining her strudels in a mirror. In fact before the clone wars all mirrors wer eradicated, because the true weakness of the Death Star was not that 2 metre wide exhasut shaft, it had a far bigger weakness. Its weapon is a 'super laser', lasers are amplified light, so the Death Star's power can be turned on itself with the aid of a 'super'-fucking-'mirror'.
Many Bothan spies died bringing me this information.
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-10 06:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
400 billion tonnes of various stuff. Where in the hell would you get that kind of material? It's just silly.
Submitted by Drawstring (user info) at 2006-03-10 06:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is well known that the 2 opearting battle stations 120km and 160km in diameter therfore what i would really like to know is the direct calculation required to calculate the quantity of cats required to power a fully activated battle station of a different size
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-02 16:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Believe me, that has been done. Almost word for word except instead of butter it is jam. It's the perpetual motion machine.
This was clever though.
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sorry, I've never read or heard that before!
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Is, by any chance, DeWitt your middle rather than last name?
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nope - its my last name, why?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-02 15:29:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is, by any chance, DeWitt your middle rather than last name?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
alright then.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-02 11:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-02 09:32:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
All my stuff is original. I never Plagiarise :-)
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Believe me, that has been done. Almost word for word except instead of butter it is jam. It's the perpetual motion machine.
This was clever though.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-02 09:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
All my stuff is original. I never Plagiarise :-)
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-03-02 09:29:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd heard the buttertoast cat thing before in a book, can't remember which.
But its still pretty good.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-02 08:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope this is your own work.
If so, go you!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-02 08:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-02 08:20:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now as we all know, a buttered piece of toast, if dropped, will land butter side down. Whilst a cat, if dropped, will always land on its feet. Therefore, logically, if we butter the back of a cat, it will levitate, spinning, just above the floor. I propose that it was not, as claimed, brilliant Imperial Engineering which propelled the Death Star, but an array of synchronised buttered cat dropping storm troopers.
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Plus. Fucking. Two.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-02 08:20:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now as we all know, a buttered piece of toast, if dropped, will land butter side down. Whilst a cat, if dropped, will always land on its feet. Therefore, logically, if we butter the back of a cat, it will levitate, spinning, just above the floor. I propose that it was not, as claimed, brilliant Imperial Engineering which propelled the Death Star, but an array of synchronised buttered cat dropping storm troopers.
==========
Plus. Fucking. Two.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-02 08:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:55:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you assuming it is solid titanium? It is filled with space.
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Yes of course I am...read "ASSUMING". This assumption is becuase we dont know the density of all the different materials within it, the volume of space within it, or the mass of all the equipment and personnel on board!
Now get with the rythm of the post!!
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Star Wars = Auto -2
But you had some valid physics point, so +2
A solid zero.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you assuming it is solid titanium? It is filled with space.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:41:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
904,778,684,233,920 would be the volume written out. so wouldn't it be 9.05*10^14?
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
for the anal amonng us:
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Submitted by Aitsu (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:04:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
The first line contains a serious calculation error. I did not read any further.
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the volume should be 9.1x10^5 cubic kilometers, so the Mass would be 4.1 thousand million tons, so the Monday Morning effect will actually remove all of its energy alone! Damn those Bothan spies.
Submitted by Affinity (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very very funny
well done
Submitted by Aitsu (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The first line contains a serious calculation error. I did not read any further.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-02 07:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone ever see a Bothan in any of the movies?
ITS CAUSE THEY ALL DIED SO YOU COULD LEARN THIS!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-02 06:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. Well done.
Submitted by Smooth_Shoes (user info) at 2006-03-02 06:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I somehow read that last line as "Ian Botham died bringing me this information".
Submitted by Aztune (user info) at 2006-03-02 06:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what's worse.
That I actually understood all of this or that I think it makes sense.
Very funny stuff.