Why Men Are Far Superior To Women: A Morality Tale in 2 Parts (finally completed) (1758 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zoidberg (View user info) at 2006-03-02 10:05:13 EST
(I FINALLY COMPLETED IT)
"In the coming lines
Think not of the hows and whys
But learn the lesson within
With that we begin"
"It's not me, it's you."
That the order of the words was off didn't hit Doug right away. "Well it's...wait?
Isn't that supposed to be the other way around?"
"Fuck you. I hate you! Lifetime showed me that I don't have to put up with this.
I'm gone!"
And with that, she slammed the door and walked out of his life.
Doug stood there for a few moments, staring at the door. His world was crashing in on him a bit too fast, and he couldn't understand why. He quickly ran through his day in his head, trying to understand where things had done bad, but he couldn't think of anything he'd done wrong.
After waking up, he'd played video games for a few hours, then gone in and cleaned the kitchen. Didn't every woman want a man who was handy around the house? Then he'd gone shopping for groceries. Hell, he had even stopped by Susan's work on his way home to leave a rose on her car. That was romantic dammit! Then Susan's sister had come over and they'd fucked. Then he walked the dog, and put the lasagna in the stove, just like Susan's note had said. It had been a typical day, and Doug was totally lost. What on Earth had set her off?
And her parting comments unsettled him. She had said "Fuck you", and while the prospect of sex did excite him, the rational side of his brain couldn't quite comprehend why she would offer to have sex with him when she was so angry.
Life without Susan meant he would have to go back to masturbating, a prospect he didn't relish as Susan had thrown away all of his porn. Fighting back tears, Doug considered borrowing the neighbor's Sears catalogue again, but instead decided he just needed to go to bed.
As he was humping his pillow, the phone rang, startling him. Annoyed at being interrupted, Doug answered it with a surly, "Hello?"
"I CANT BELIEVE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING MY SISTER."
Ahhh. It was Susan. Probably calling about that sex she'd promised. The prospect of sex aside, Doug was just happy to finally know what had upset her. He set out to smooth things over and calm her down.
"Oh. Wow. I've been wondering what got sand in your vagina. Good thing you don't know about your mom."
"What?!!? What are you*I*" Susan's voice broke down into incomprehensible sobbing, then rallied into a whine. "Howwww could you do this to me? I loved you!"
"Aww baby you're making this out to be a big deal. Sure I mean, I guess on some levels fucking your sister was a bad thing. But I mean, come on baby. You gotta look at the bigger picture. At least I'm not Hitler. Right? Hello??"
The phone was buzzing a dial tone. Susan had hung up on him, and Doug knew why. Susan, realizing now that Doug indeed had not killed 6 million Jews, was mortified that she had made such a big deal out of something so inconsequential.
That night Doug went to bed utterly confused, and hating women. Susan had never called him back to apologize, and he wasn't sure why. He knew he had made his point, but sometimes the mysteries of the female brain were all too much for logic. He went to sleep dreaming his hatred
for all things female.
And awoke 50 years later.
A gorgeous blonde was standing over him. "We were wondering when you were going to wake up. You've been frozen for 50 years Doug. A Carbonite truck exploded in front of your house and you were frozen. You only recently thawed. Come, and let me show you the world of tomorrow."
Doug slowly got up. She handed him a large square of paper. He took it and looked at it.
"A map?"
"Yes. I was wondering if you could tell me where I am. We've had no one who knows how to read these for the past 40 years."
"No one to..." Doug instantly knew what that meant. He took a deep breath before he faced the unimaginable. "Then, there are no more men?"
"No. The last man died over 40 years ago. You are the only one of your kind on the planet. Fortunately he was a scientist and his last act was to perfect Cloning."
"Of course it was. A woman wouldn't be able to do something like that. Now maybe if it was perfecting doing the dishes" Doug wiped away a tear for the man's noble sacrifice, and made himself stand a moment of silence.
Finally he recovered himself and doing his best to stay composed, he turned to the woman. "Okay tits. I'm ready to see the world of tomorrow."
She giggled. "Oh Mr.Boyd, you're so romantic"
They walked outside into the bright light. A building across the street with the words "Main Street Virtual Reality Arcade" on it's front had a line of women going into it.
"My name is Tiffany by the way. Over there you can see one of our many VR centers. Women have become quite the gamers in these past few years. You men are experts at fucking things, killing things, creating things, writing things, painting things, filming things, saving things, competing with things, catching things, throwing things, hitting things, drinking things, eating things, typing things, thinking things, fixing things, acting in things and so much much more, but you'll find that we women have a few things we're good at too, so like you men, we play video games about things we love to do."
"Oh! Like Quake 3? Or Madden? How cool. Let's go inside"
Inside were numerous women hooked up with all the accoutrements of Virtual Reality gear. At each station was the title of the game, usually on a fancy 3 dimensional poster. Tiffany read aloud some of the popular ones.
"Over there is "Make Him a Sandwich" Next to it is the classic, "Vacuum that Floor". "Blowjob!" is to the right and way in the back there are like 6 or 7 games of "Doing the Dishes 2: Lysol Strikes Back"
"Amazing" Doug reflected on woman's inner nature, and how now that all the men were gone women finally had the courage to show their true selves. To his right, a woman gave a scream of pain, distracting him from his thoughts. "What on earth is wrong with her?" Doug asked, gesturing at the screaming woman decked out in VR gear not 5 feet away, who was now flinching back from some unseen force.
Tiffany gave a girlish laugh. "Oh nothing, she's just playing, "Don't Spill the Beer".
Tiffany headed for the door and Doug followed. Outside they began walking again.
"Tiffany, tell me, why are there no cars on the road?"
"Simple really. We just didn't have enough lesbians to keep all the cars running, so now most of us either walk or use bicycles. Really we don't like to leave the home that much anyway.
"Fascinating. But I'm sure the lesbians would have taught you. Couldn't you have learned to fix things?"
Tiffany giggled again. "Better sandwiches maybe. Women fixing things, that's only in the movies, just like female pilots or successful female lawyers. In real life you have to be a man to do something useful like that, or at least have the characteristics of one."
"Sounds like you girls have your heads on straight."
An explosion shook both of them. Fire gouted out the windows of a 3 story building to his right as women ran shrieking from it.
"Damn" Tiffany muttered. "The Lesbian Liberation Front must be on their cycle again.
Don't worry, we'll be okay."
Doug should have felt relieved by that. But he knew he didn't have a lot of money or a nice car. There was no reason for Tiffany to help him.
"Lesbians." He spat. "I ran into 3 of them up near Abilene. Nasty bunch. Probably too many of them for me to convert all at once, but dammit, I've got to try." He methodically smoothed his combover and unbuttoned his pants. Shapes walking in the harsh smoke shapes coalesced into 3 women clad in plaid button up shirts. They looked like the bastard children of Paul Bunyan and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. This could only be the liberation front.
Tiffany must be terrified, he thought. He turned back to check on her. "Tiffany? Are you ready?"
Tiffany was holding a gun on him. A small cruel smile lit up her face.
"I don't think so Doug. You see, we're not as dumb as you think. I called them in, they're actually in charge. And I'll be damned if we let a man take charge again. For the first time, women are running things, and we're doing just fine! Now sit down and shut up before I shoot you dead where you stand."
She waited to make sure he had digested this, and seeing that she had, nodded to herself and pulled out a map. "Now to get you back to headquarters."
After he had led his captors back to their headquarters, he started to reason with them. It took a lot of maneuvering to get his message through.
"Look girls."
"Shut up Doug. We enjoy our place in society. Nothing you can say will make us change our minds. NOTHING!"
"Look, all you girls need is a man and a good fucking, right?"
They thought about this and nodded and giggled.
"Well, I can give you that."
Tiffany shrugged her shoulders. "You make a strong point. You really are wise." She unlocked the handcuffs.
"But you'll just be captured again. Women everywhere grew tired of men being so much higher in stature. But now that we have vibrators AND cloning, you're just too replaceable. The only way you can get them to submit to you now is to prove we're replaceable too, and that's not possible. Women do too much in this world for you to replace us. I don't see how it could be done."
"Unpossible things are only that way if you're a woman. I think I can find a way. But I'll need your help, are you all with me?"
Everyone present nodded their assent.
"Good. Now I'll need sciency things! Shit like pencils and those bulbs with lightning in them. And every hour on the hour, a kaopectate-filled banana hottub orgy. Lets work!"
<End of Part 1> dun DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-07-14 15:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90488
Please weigh in w/ commentary kthxbye.
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-03-14 21:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was hilarious
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-14 21:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff
Submitted by Snuffleupagus (user info) at 2006-03-14 21:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As a man I am obligated to +2 this. Anything else would be unmanly.
...fatty
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-03-14 04:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still waiting for my conjugal visit you promised me.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Susan, realizing now that Doug indeed had not killed 6 million Jews, was mortified that she had made such a big deal out of something so inconsequential."
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-03-07 00:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-03 12:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not really, but then I like to fight
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-02 23:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know Texas homosexuals could write.
Hey dude. I from Texas, and though I'm not gay at all, I remember people just giving fags, real or imagined, shitloads of shit. Did/do you go through that down yonder way?
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 21:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks breeder
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-02 20:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was pretty good, fag
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 20:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-02 20:38:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your problem was with the word morality.
Yeah no shit. I should have promised titties. Oh well, thats part 2
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-03-02 20:43:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-02 20:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your problem was with the word morality.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-02 20:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ride the walrus!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 19:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-02 18:10:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:56:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant Sir. Just brilliant. My favourite post of the day.
---
Still the case.
Thanks. I need better hitwhore titles though.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-02 18:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:56:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant Sir. Just brilliant. My favourite post of the day.
---
Still the case.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-02 17:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:08:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
If by "good" you mean "crammed with every poorly written stereotype I could think of" then you're entirely right ;)
--------------------
That's exactly what makes this so awesome! I loved it.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 15:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 15:13:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:47:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh man. I'm already dating a jew. Isn't there a law in the Torah that forbids a gentile from boinking more then one at a time?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
I dunno man. I eat pork, so I'm not really "in touch with my Jewish roots", so to speak.
___________________________________________
Well I still better get my schlong blessed first. Keep it kosher.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 15:13:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:47:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh man. I'm already dating a jew. Isn't there a law in the Torah that forbids a gentile from boinking more then one at a time?
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
I dunno man. I eat pork, so I'm not really "in touch with my Jewish roots", so to speak. Anyway, you'll still technically be boinking only one at a time.
Man, I make for a pretty convincing homo, don't I? This is some creepy shit right here.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:48:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:34:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I mention that this was brilliant?
Me referencing SNL's Subliminal Man is a huge compliment too.
I'm not sure I know what subliminal man is. I'll google it, but thank you
----
I tried finding video of him but failed miserably. Kevin Nealon played a character called Subliminal Man who would do rants with hidden messages in them. When you added the "her sister came over and I fucked her" line so perfectly it reminded me of that.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:34:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I mention that this was brilliant?
Me referencing SNL's Subliminal Man is a huge compliment too.
I'm not sure I know what subliminal man is. I'll google it, but thank you
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:33:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:08:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Student loans to pay off sir, and no rich parents to do it.
___________________________________________________________________________
Well I sure do hope that leaves you with enough to buy a plane ticket to Israel. We're kinda on a deadline here...
I'm just gonna go ahead and set up camp here. You mind?
___________________________________________________________________________
Oh man. I'm already dating a jew. Isn't there a law in the Torah that forbids a gentile from boinking more then one at a time?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I mention that this was brilliant?
Me referencing SNL's Subliminal Man is a huge compliment too.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:08:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Student loans to pay off sir, and no rich parents to do it.
___________________________________________________________________________
Well I sure do hope that leaves you with enough to buy a plane ticket to Israel. We're kinda on a deadline here...
I'm just gonna go ahead and set up camp here. You mind?
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:49:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:58:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Spare me from having to work for the rest of the day, and I am yours to ravish
________________________________________________________________________________________
You WORK?!
Student loans to pay off sir, and no rich parents to do it.
This hasn't quite inspired the feminist outrage I was hoping for, but I guess that has something to do with the fact that the misogyny is exaggerated to the point of absurdity.
I knew Merl wouldn't be offended by it tho :)
(and why the fuck am I doing smileys? Im such a fag these days)
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another
so, so good. I love this
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:55:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
plus fucking 2 gazillion
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:58:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Spare me from having to work for the rest of the day, and I am yours to ravish
________________________________________________________________________________________
You WORK?!
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrRobertHand (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"'Blowjob!' is to the right ..."
Style.
Pretty fun, too.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Hitler retort made me giggle uncontrollably.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:10:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You reminded me of Subliminal Man here.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:52:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me think of a movie that's allegedly in the works that Ben Stiller and Jim Carrey are attached to, about a world where men have been eliminated from society, and now the masculine only exists in the form of pleasurebots. Stiller & Carrey - if this movie's still a go - will star as two out-of-date models that need to avoid and escape the new, top of the line male pleasurebots and find their way to the last male holdout in the world - Mantopia.
To think someone gets paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to come up with this.
I'm in the wrong line of work.
Oh, and this was good by the way.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great. So true, so true...
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it because it was silly and beccause your comedy ladybashing makes me laugh.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:00:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really good.
I still hate you though.
If by "good" you mean "crammed with every poorly written stereotype I could think of" then you're entirely right ;)
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:00:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really good.
I still hate you though.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-03-02 11:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And by that, I mean, I'm jealous of your satirical writing skills.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-03-02 11:11:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
Wow! This is the biggest load of crap I've ever read, and it's well written and hilarious.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:43:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still waiting for that ghey sex you promised me, you stud you.
Spare me from having to work for the rest of the day, and I am yours to ravish
thanks Manic, all. This is actually partially a repost, because for the longest time I couldn't figure out how to end it all. But I did! At last!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh Joe, Joe, you are the Salieri to my Mozart
or something
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant Sir. Just brilliant. My favourite post of the day.
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:53:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Way too fucking long. Save it for a novel Poindexter. Fuck you, you long story writing motherfucker. If you want to see why men are superior to women read this:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/18763
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well what do you know, it IS better the second time.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still waiting for that ghey sex you promised me, you stud you.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment....just in awe... must read again.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woman: How do you write women so well?
Zoidberg: I think of a gay man, then I take away reason, accountability and fashion sense.
Bravo. Bravo.
Many writers have tried their hands at the dystopian future, but unlike the hackneyed Orwell's or Huxley's out there, this one actually rings true. THIS SHIT COULD REALLY HAPPEN, MAN!
Again, I say Bravo.
And, death to all lesbians.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great, but you know you are going to encite a riot.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:33:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was all prepared to -2 this, then you had to fucking cockblock me by being all satirical and amusing. It was like Herland or Utopia, only seen through the piggy little eyes of Jimmy Kimmel.
Submitted by Jacobt26 (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:31:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zoidberg, ever think of starting a religion?
I'd join.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-02 10:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
"then her sister came over and they had fucked"