MyNameIsTim's Uncertainty Principle AND A Story of The Most Worthless Human Being Alive. (1101 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.68 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (View user info) at 2006-03-02 11:59:06 EST
Two things:
1:
There's a great "beer bar" near where I live that my friends and I frequent. 50 beers on tap, over 100 bottled, and pretty cheap to boot. (During happy hour you can get a pint of Dogfishhead 90min IPA for $3.5) I like cheap good beer. I like this bar.
So I'm currently working on getting this girl who's a bartender there.
The first time I met her, I thought she was the hottest thing I've ever seen. I think at the time I made that pretty well known that first time, both by my frequent staring and loudly telling my friends that I thought she was the hottest bartender I've ever seen.
The next time I saw her, I was only slightly less under the influence, and she looked substantially less attractive. Of course this meant that my "game skills" increased dramatically, and mad game was kicked. We talked for a while, and my intentions became known.
The third time, this past tuesday, I was very close to sober, and she looked phenominal. Absolutely gorgous. Somewhere in my subconscious, my not-phenominal girl game was turned on, and it worked. I got her number, and we're going out next week.
But that's not the point.
I was describing this girl to a friend, and when he asked what I would rate her, I was at a loss for words. At first I gave her a 7, but then later refined her rating to a "7.5 +/- 1.5."
When my buddy mentioned that a 3 point swing is huge, it came to my attention that it wasn't really a swing, but more of an uncertainty.
And such my theory was born: Tim's Uncertainty Principle:
"It is impossible to observe a girl's hottness, or rating if you will, without the true quantitative hotness being skewed by the perception of the observer. Therefore it is never possible to get a truly accurate judgment of rating with only one observer.
2)
As the number of observers approaches infinity, the average rating will asympotically approach the true quantitative hottness; never quite reaching it
This is only possible with a population of observers who understand that the overall hotness is normally distributed about the standard 1-10 rating system, and assign ratings as such."
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2:
In my house, there are 5 roommates, 5 bedrooms, and 5 bathrooms.
I have my own bathroom, which I cleaned last week...which is very recently. It was very clean. I did an excellent job. Sink, shower, toilet, floors, all got the shit cleaned out of them...some literally, some figuratively.
So when I came home yesterday and prepared to take a shit, I was shocked to see a large quantity of pubes on the floor by the toilet.
I immediately flip out, because I know it had to be Spence, the world's most worthless human being. But he wasn't home. Luckily, I keep disposable latex gloves around for such situations, so I cleaned it, and went on with taking my shit.
I asked sweet roommates J and M if they by chance had shaved their pubes in my bathroom, and like any moderatley decent human being, they were outraged that someone would do such a thing.
So to recap...Spence went into my bathroom, used my pube-trimmer to shave his pubes over my toilet, and didn't clean up.
Lets make a list of all the thigns that are unacceptable about that:
a) he used my bathroom. he has a bathroom in his bedroom.
b) he used my pube-trimmer. seriously. who does that?
c) he didn't clean up.
d) he didn't kill himself for being a worthless waste of life scumbag piece of shit.
He wasn't home last night, so I wrote a note and staple-gunned it to his door.
the note read as follows:
"FAGGOT,
WHAT IN THE BEER-BATTERED FUCK MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN USE MY PUBE-TRIMMER TO TRIM YOUR PUBES IN MY BATHROOM? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DON'T DO THAT. EVER.
A) BUY ME A NEW TRIMMER OF EQUAL OR GREATER VALUE. TOMORROW
B) DON'T DO THAT.
C) ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? YOU USE SOMEONE ELSE'S PUBE TRIMMER TO SHAVE YOUR PUBES?
D) KILL YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS FUCK.
Love,
Tim"
I haven't heard his reaction yet, because he hasn't been home. But when he gets home, he's going to be spoken to. I'm not going to have a talk with him, because I will be the only one talking. I'm going to speak to him. And make it clear: The next time there's an incident regarding this ...
I can't think of a more appropriate adjective to describe this scumbag other than "worthless." he really has no worth as a human being. If he were leave Earth tomorrow, nobody would feel bad. Actually the world would be a better place.
...worthless piece of shit, the cops are getting tipped off without warning that he sells large quantities of drugs.
I don't know what else to do.
User Reviews
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-07 20:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I'm currently working on getting this girl who's a bartender there.
_________________________
Chances are she's thinking along these lines: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84359
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2006-04-07 20:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"i had to sell it because the headlights kept getting stolen."
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-03 07:05:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-03 01:00:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure. I can buy that.
How's your Vroom, Vroom car doing, by the way?
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the G is gone. i had to sell it because the headlights kept getting stolen. i now drive a truck.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-03 06:54:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Luckily, I keep disposable latex gloves around for such situations, so I cleaned it, and went on with taking my shit."
-----------------------
This sentance proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that you, Tim, are mentally ill.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-03 06:37:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have this image in my head of your roommate going into a store and buying a pube-trimmer.
It isn't pretty.
-Dave
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2006-03-03 05:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my housemates had an ugly girlfriend but he thinks she is hot and always talks about her like she is a supermodel, I just want to say "fuck you dave she is ugly and fat + she's stupid to boot" also he is quite messy.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-03 01:00:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure. I can buy that.
How's your Vroom, Vroom car doing, by the way?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-02 23:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
is it really that uncommon for a 23 year old who graduated from college 2 years ago to live with roommates?
either way, yes. i can afford a vroom vroom fast car, but i cannot afford to live on my own. that is correct.
how i came to live with scumbag drug selling roommate is a long, not very interesting story. i think it's sufficient to say that it is worth it to put up with him to live in the huge huge dirt cheap house that we're renting.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-02 20:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"So to recap...Spence went into my bathroom, used my pube-trimmer to shave his pubes over my toilet, and didn't clean up."
_________________________________________________________
How about this:
1) You own your own pube trimmer and felt the need to not only announce that fact to the entire universe in this post but also then go on to defend the sanctity of the bond betwixt a man an his pube trimmer.
2) You are, I believe, of an age and level of income to afford a Super Sorty Race Car (VROOM!), and yet you have roommates.
3) The roommates you've chosen to cohabitate with are not only the sort of people who willfully violate the sanctity of the relationship betwixt a man and his pube trimmer, but also sell large quantities of drugs.
I smell a winner.
Hey, what's Mom and Dad's address so I can send them their "Official Proud Parent" certificate?
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-03-02 18:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Perhaps you could borrow the Hot Bartender's Pube Trimmer?
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-03-02 18:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Myself and the roommates had a similar rating standardization at one point, involving your blood alcohol level. As the night moves on, girls become hotter. This is known. We established that if your BA was .08, you move the decimal point to the right and you can add .8, or 1, to her (1-10) hotness score without us ridiculing you later on. The more drunk, the hotter they'd become.
But then we didn't have a breathilizer and the most good it did was allowing me to type that stupid fucking story.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-02 18:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Tim,
You won't bang her, and you never will
Sorry
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-02 16:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have come to a similar conclusion regarding your theory. Mostly because a friend of mine talked up this girl he'd just started seeing and then I finally met her. The expectations that my friend had set were FAR too high for this poor waste of a female to even have a chance of living up to them. to get a more accurate assesment there definitely has to be an average of opinion.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kumar: I've been using that to trim my ass hair for the last six months!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:31:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tim,
that's why whenever I find myself in the bar, I put on a pair of Dr. Herbert J. Shlongy's Quantum Beer Goggles.
They allow me to constantly assess the absolute hotness of chicks, regardless of how much Iron City I'm pouring down my gullet...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post had it all.
Beer...a bar...broads...a shit...a random "rating system"...and a worthless scumbag who needs a beating.
The only thing it was really missing to make it an All Star was a Shlongy name-drop.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:17:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:02:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
You were bickering over the use of a pube trimmer?
Do you get upset when he borrows your favorite purse, too?
Real men don't trim. They just take their curlies in giant fistfulls and rip 'em out.
Then you're smooth, bloody and ready to go. It's like having a just-birthed baby between your legs, only with a full-sized penis sticking out of it.
-----------------
thats just hot
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the uncertainty principle.
If you are going to call the cops, make sure your stuff is clean- and I mean no drugs or drug paraphanalia anywhere. If he keeps ANY of his stuff in shared areas, tell him to put it in his room.
Just a warning. If there are spotting knives in your kitchen drawer, you can get done for it.
But yeah call the cops.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You were bickering over the use of a pube trimmer?
Do you get upset when he borrows your favorite purse, too?
Real men don't trim. They just take their curlies in giant fistfulls and rip 'em out.
Then you're smooth, bloody and ready to go. It's like having a just-birthed baby between your legs, only with a full-sized penis sticking out of it.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-02 14:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:54:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
camwhoring spence is a fantastic idea. imagine the possibilities.
------------
what possibilities?
i can't think of any
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's actually a special device for trimming pubes?
I was not aware of that!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tim is the modern day Zeno.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The chick you are dating is fat and ugly, that I gathered. I also gathered that you should Kirk Johnson your roommates head.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:11:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:20:24 (#)
Ranking: 1
Snap all of his CD's in half and throw the engagement ring he gave you out the window
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BAMFO is becoming the best of reviewers here...
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-03-02 13:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
every once in a while, i'll make the journey down to akron to this awesome place called 69 taps. as the title suggests, there's 69 beers on tap...plenty more bottled.
good post.
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
camwhoring spence is a fantastic idea. imagine the possibilities.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And people tell me there's no reason to keep a staple gun in the house. Thanks for proving my point.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:34:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Camwhore the bastard and allow those with skills (not me) to unleash photoshop.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:33:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Might be worse. Check your toothbrush for ass hairs.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
50 beers on tap?!
+2!
<drools>
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
take the note down. just start poisoning him ever so slowly by adding little amounts of strychnine to his food.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I prefer that far, far simpler hotness scale - Knuckles. You see a hot chick, and you count the number of knuckles you bite down on to keep from screaming something innapropriate.
And the nice thing about the knuckle-scale is that there's only 0, 1, 2, or 3. So, you really have to think about the rating, and adding or subtracting a knuckle is very meaningful. It's like the knuckles are my Celsius to your 1-10 scale's Farenheit.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Snap all of his CD's in half and throw the engagement ring he gave you out the window
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Start locking your door with a real lock, and take anything of value from his room, TV, Stereo, etc and only return them when you have a new trimmer.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har EW.
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was me.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-02 12:06:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You misspelled asymatope....But I think I just did too.
Oh well.
Next time put a label that says "Tim's Pube Trimmer" on a chainsaw and if he is stupid enough he'll try to use it.