Rockin’ the ‘Stache! (1947 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2006-03-03 14:11:04 EST
Rockin' the 'Stache!
I grew a shitty beard, and now all that is left on my face is a ratty moustache. God help me.
While riding NYC Transit this morning I learned that wearing a moustache is a lot of work. Right off the bat, I don't fall into the "5 Pillars of Stache-i-tude," or, more simply put, the 5 types of people that can honestly pull off a moustache.
Pillar 1: Men over the age of 40. Your Dad, that single Uncle of yours, the going grey guy that works at the arcade. The goatee of the 90's was the moustache of the 70's. Everyone and their Italian grandmother had a moustache in the 70's...and apparently they collectively missed the millennium.
Pillar 2: Gay men. This category intersects with the males over 40 Pillar, but there are some glaring differences. A.) The upkeep of the stache, it's always perfect and balanced. Possible use of moustache wax is evident. B.) Young gay men in NYC are starting to grow a Freddie Mercury strap above the upper lip. C.) The Village People.
Pillar 3: Mexican people of both sexes. I'm convinced Mexican newborns are birthed with a 'stache.
Pillar 4: Wilfred Brimley and Gene Shalit...who are both, quite possibly, dead...but their moustaches will live on and on.
Pillar 5: Rock n Rollers. If he doesn't have one already, expect to see Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters wearing a lip-toupee soon. I've noticed the hipsters of Williamsburg braving the strong seas of stache of late, but they usually only last a few days. Those that keep it usually fall onto Pillar 2.
So I'm riding the subway, thumbing the stache, trying to hide it from my co-riders, but they saw right thru me. I clearly don't find myself on a Pillar so they watch me caution...to them, I was probably a Terrorist, or worst, a tourist. The only person that really paid me any mind was Johnny Lightloafers who was leaning against the door wearing a bedazzled dance belt and brandishing a lasso made of used condoms. His slow smile slowly turned my insides out.
Why Zone? Why grow a 'stache?
Simply, I wanted a big beard but my DNA doesn't allow it, but that didn't stop me from trying. I'm shooting a short film tomorrow where I have to be a slick business man, so I've been shaving the beard down in sections. For two days I rocked out the "Lemmy" and received glowing reviews, but alas, its Friday...I promised the world a moustache.
I can't wait to shave it. For no other reason than that it makes me look more like my dad.
Scary.
-----------------
Quotes I've heard, commenting on my lip-fro:
"You're gonna need a bigger boat, Quint."
"Hey, Donnie Brasco!" -repeated ad-nausea by my "clever" boss.
"Hey Lip-shits."
"How's working on the docks?"
"Hey Will, sweep this up for me."
"Wrong."
"The 70's called, they want their nasty look back."
"I'm not kissing you." - My girlfriend.
"I am sooooo going to kiss you." -Johnny LightLoafers
"Will, how's your Motorhead Tribute band coming along? Cam-Shaft Rocks!"
"Awww, Willie hit puberty!"
"You missed something."
"I spy a child molester."
------------
Oh Uber, "Who wants a Moustache Ride?"
Will
User Reviews
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-04-15 20:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Have a payback -2.
And this post did suck anyway.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How the fuck did I miss this gem?
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2006-03-04 04:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
moustaches are cool.
here in australia, november has recently become mo-vember. (recently as in the last 4 or 5 years). Last year it was an actual organised event, where people grew staches to raise money for prostate cancer research. Some of the rude shit my friends grew on their faces were hilarious.
http://www.movember.com.au/
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2006-03-03 18:46:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You forgot cops
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-03 16:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lemmy was on Adam Carolla this morning - I fuckin love that guy (not Carolla, Lemmy, you douches)
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-03-03 15:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://decaffeinated.org/images/mostyles.gif
Check out more alternatives.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-03 15:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-03-03 15:03:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
In my opinion, not enough men have moustaches or beards anymore....
if you can grow one - GO FOR IT!!! SOME CHICKS SERIOUSLY DIG IT!!
but if you can't really grow one, please don't bother...
'cause you'll just end up looking like Shaggy or even worse - ScoobyDoo!!
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now I will tell you Will, I have a stache...I like to think I look like Magnum PI, but I suppose Higgens is more likely.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did anyone else notice that Nick (?) on CSI lost the mustache he was inflicting the CSI watching public with last season? I thought it made him look like a porn star.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
burt reynolds usually had a good stache goin too.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It took me 6 weeks to grow the weakest excuse for a stache in the world...
I felt like a serial rapist.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shlongy Tips for Dipshits #45:
"After taking a shit, and wiping your ass...Dispose of the toilet paper in hand BEFORE you attempt to blow your nose, or you'll end up looking like Will Zone and his cheezy mustache".
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wilfred brimley is still alive. turn on any station and you can hear him talking about "Diabeetiss".
you forgot the most important of all..... the man who has it alll..... big 'stache, big cash..... TOM SELLECK!!!
http://tomselleck.mikull.com/
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
"I'm shooting a short film tomorrow where I have to be a slick business man"
Ghey porn?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
how dare you even mention that limp piece of fur in the same post as the glory that is Wilford Brimleys 'stache?
For shame sir.
+1 for the acceptable stache pillars, astute and accurate observations on your part.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:18:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What I would say to someone with a stache like that:
"Kirk Gibson owned your ass in '88."