I remember now why I don't like to go outside for any reason. (1703 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.94 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-06 10:05:01 EST
State Forest 14 is not a green and verdant place, as the name might suggest. No, it's a typical Australian forest - which is to say, pine trees and eucalyptus growing in red gravel, with a river flowing through them. It is not lush, it is not fresh. What scant undergrowth exists - tree ferns mostly - is right now brown and dormant, waiting for rain. It'll be waiting a while. We're having a hell of a summer here, with Hell being the most apt description possible.
And yet for some reason, a long buried childhood yearning for simpler times sent us there for the long weekend. Now when I say we, I do not mean my adoring husband and my children. My adoring husband decided in his adoring wisdom to keep his adoring ass home this weekend and revel in the peace and quiet of no kids, no wife, no noise. I went with my sister, and my Mum, and my sister's three kids, and my three kids. Two tents, nine people, no men, and five litres of wine. Oh, and a deck of cards.
The forest - called, variously, Nanga Mill, Nanga Brook, Baden-Powell, and Lane Poole Reserve - is more beautiful than a scant description of it might suggest. Yes, it's dusty and sparse, unforgiving, hot, and home to way too many big biting flies (and spiders and snakes and etc etc, this is Australia after all), but it's clean. It's stark. The water is like ice and the gravel is treacherous under the wheels of your car, and you have to earn it.
____________
How fucking hard could it be, right? Other people put up tents like, all the time. There were instructions, clearly written. There were poles and bags and pegs and canvas and everything else we needed to make a temporary shelter from the elements. And here, in a nutshell, is the stupidest thing I've ever said:
"How hard can it be? Men can do it."
You know why men can do it? Because they have these fucked up brains that work in three dimensions. My brain, on the other hand, works in one or, if the wine is flowing, one and a half.
And my brothers and sisters, the wine was flowing. It was hot, the wine was cold, and I have to tell you... watching my sister put up a tent while I cheered indiscriminately from the shade was the most fun I've had in ages. Eventually, though, I had to stop drinking, giggling, and making Meaningful Eye Contact with everyone walking past and help. I'm good at helping.
"Nah, see, what you've done wrong there is you've put that thing where the other thing should be to hold up the thing. See?"
I'm a technical genius.
We'd been there for two hours and were jumping up and down on the flattened tent to find the bag of tent pegs we knew was under it somewhere when this Big Manly Car pulled into the campsite alongside us.
And God stepped out of his car.
Picture it, if you will. One brunette and one redhead, dusty, dishevelled, messy, surrounded by gleeful Lord of the Flies extras, standing on a collapsed tent while the kind of man that has his own theme music - something along the lines of "All Hail He Who Is Lord" but with snarling guitars and deep primal drum rhythms - methodically strips down to his shorts and assembles a perfect, taut tent within twenty minutes.
Took us another four hours to get both of ours up, and they tended toward the lopsided, and, ok, we hammered a tent peg through the zipper at one point and couldn't work out what we'd done wrong, but we felt that we'd struck a blow for women everywhere as we stood and gazed proudly upon our work.
And then realized the doors were facing the wrong way. At this juncture, if Mr Universe had offered to help, as he seemed on the verge of doing multiple times, I honestly believe my rabid sister would have gnawed his arm off.
"Once upon a time, he would have offered to help because we were hot."
"Yep."
"Now, he wants to help because his Mum raised him to be polite to old women."
"Yep."
"Kill me, would you?"
_____________
Things I lost in the woods this weekend:
A flashlight
A can opener
A bottle of wine (I have my suspicions)
My self respect
Three towels
Two rechargable batteries from my camera
My car keys (found them again)
Sunscreen
Insect repellent
____________
The List of Injuries
Fang the AlphaTwin burned her cheek on a mosquito stick
I bruised my foot on a submerged rock
Bumble the Non-alpha twin almost drowned herself in a bucket twice
My niece fell down a waterfall, bloodied her nose and bruised her head
The Boy ... well, he doesn't so much injure himself as cause monumental damage to the landscape while somehow escaping harm, which pisses me off no end because I can never say "Well, you'll know better next time."
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-28 21:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-28 20:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
splendid
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-06-28 17:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that you can make me laugh out loud with stuff I've already read, at several places in a relatively short story.
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Once upon a time, he would have offered to help because we were hot."
"Yep."
"Now, he wants to help because his Mum raised him to be polite to old women."
"Yep."
"Kill me, would you?"
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's stark. "
Stark is the swedish word for strong.
And you make me feel stuff.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tents are a bitch the first time you set them up. Next time it'll be a lot easier.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-07 07:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor old forest. If I were named "14," I too would probably be haggard and stale.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-07 07:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
General glee.
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2006-03-07 07:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cask Wine = Cask of Goon.
Goon = evil.
--
I can get my SIX MAN tent up in 4 minutes 30 seconds, and down in about 7 and a half minutes because you gotta shake it out and roll it up. Joys of practice.
I spent a lot of time in this: http://www.team4g.com/entaran/friends/landy5.JPG
--
Camping at campsites is for the weak! Camp in the middle of nowhere... or wherever you happen to stop for the day! :)
If it helps, setting up other peoples tents is confusing sometimes. Depends on the type of tent.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2006-03-07 02:17:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's not proper Aussie bush, there are pine trees for god's sake. Where are the good old fashioned gums with a jolly jumbuck sitting under them? And where are the giant ants that always accompany me to bed when I'm in the bush? Why aren't they carrying off the small, juicy children to their underground sugar caves?
Disappointing. However, auto +1 for the goon - that stuff is filthy and hilarious. Where's the Passion Pop?
Submitted by teakettle (user info) at 2006-03-07 00:01:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When i was about ten i went camping at Nanga Mill with my cousins. I wandered off into the bush for about three hours, until eventually this old guy found me and brought me back. We never went camping again. It is a nice forest though.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-06 23:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, dear, three dimensions really isn't THAT difficult.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-03-06 16:38:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did the insects eat you alive?
That's why I don't go camping and insect repellent functions as salad dressing.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-06 16:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have loved to hang out with you and an esky full of Quartermaine...
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2006-03-06 15:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You know why men can do it? Because they have these fucked up brains that work in three dimensions. My brain, on the other hand, works in one or, if the wine is flowing, one and a half. "
After a couple of different experiences (tents, Ikea furniture, car troubles) my girlfriend has become the official tool holder. With the expection of my ratchet wrench set, because she managed to stand totally still in one place with the case closed and still manage to completely switch metric and custom.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-06 15:13:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm good at holding the flashlight while the tent goes up. I don't understand the need for me to hold the flashlight since the old boy owns a headlamp and sometimes its hard to actually see the light what with the big yellow sun beaming down a much brighter variety, but it may have something to do with the fact that I was once helping so much that he sent me off to gather fire wood...and I got a savage case of poison ivy from my efforts. I'm better with all that sort of thing now but somehow still find that it's my solemn duty to hold the flashlight.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-06 14:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har camping. I'm leaving for a month long tent jaunt in NM in a couple months. This will make an excellent "how to guide"
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-06 14:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know why men can do it? Because they have these fucked up brains that work in three dimensions.
It's because our penises jut out of us. We're all about 3-D.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-06 13:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-03-06 13:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminiscent of your family reunion picnic post, which was no picnic if I remember, and hilarious because of that. I knew that boxed wine couldn't escape the reviews unscathed, but if there's a place for unbreakable/stackable wine, camping is it. I enjoyed this.
One more thing: "Sate Forest 14 is not a green and verdant place, as the name might suggest."
Actually, the name suggests clandestine government compounds, covert weaponry testing, Area 51 and Fox Molder undercover down under. That forest floor resembles ground-zero after a WMD mishap. The open missile silo bottom right? The kids must have loved that.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-06 13:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wait to have kids to take on miserable camping trips while all their friends go to Eurodisney.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-03-06 13:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-06 11:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. Reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-06 11:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-06 11:29:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what happened then?
i get it...females can't put up tents. check.
i think something else should happen at the end.
but then again...i don't rule the world.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-06 11:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate browsing Uber on days when you don't post.
You're that good.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hopefully you'll have better luck next time.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I left you instructions on how to put up the other tents. I'm sorry I could not stay longer, but seeing the ring on your finger nearly broke my heart in two.
(when I say "broke my heart in two" what I meant was I knew I wasn't going to get any Ausssie forrest loving, so I went to look for another damsel in distress)
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm picturing what is running through your sister's mind while you sit, smoke, drink, offer ideas from the sidelines and......snap pictures! BWAHAHAHA.
I love you. There's just no two ways about it.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:33:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, it's wine in a box.
'm ashamed, ok? Alright?
but I was going out into the middle of nowhere and boxes don't break if you drop them and I had to carry enough wine for three people for three days and and and
stop being mean to me!!
*weeps*
===
It's all right, you are an anglophone after all. We can't ask you to be too sophisticated :-P
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh, women....
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wrap bottles of wine in the towels/clothes/bedding you take with you. If you are paranoid you could wrap them in plastic bags first too to avoid any breakages - but really a towel in a tightly packed suitcase will serve you well 99.9% of the time. As long as you are not Evil Kineval.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, it's wine in a box.
'm ashamed, ok? Alright?
but I was going out into the middle of nowhere and boxes don't break if you drop them and I had to carry enough wine for three people for three days and and and
stop being mean to me!!
*weeps*
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice box of wine.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good story.
box wine? vegemite? http://www.ubersite.com/m/77591
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - HAHAHAAHAHAHAH
I just had this thought - "Oh jesus, there's a coyote in the woods! let's go hunt it down and do stuff to it!"
and then it all gets a little hazy.
Slayer and Demon... I like it.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge - see, it's all very complex. I'm married, and therefore not allowed to Do Things with hot half naked men in the woods, and so to stop myself mourning all the fun I could have, I tell myself I'm very old and therefore not a potential playmate for said half naked man if, say, he wanted to go hide behind trees and make fuck.
AND I HAPPEN TO LIKE VEGEMITE AND YOU WOULD TOO IF YOU'D EVER EATEN IT PROPERLY
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Picture it, if you will. One brunette and one redhead, dusty, dishevelled, messy, surrounded by gleeful Lord of the Flies extras, standing on a collapsed tent while the kind of man that has his own theme music - something along the lines of "All Hail He Who Is Lord" '
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I think it was more along the lines of "wiaow wikka wikka wiaow wiaow wikka wikka ohhhhhh yeahhhhhh", but I understand if your memory's a little fuzzy after what happened next...
Oh, and tell Bumble and Fang that the Demon and the Slayer say hi...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:12:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha
Boxed wine drinker you. I like your style Circe.
Oh yeah, does 26 only make you an old woman in Australia, or is that a new world standard? I mean with poisonous versions of everything there and mass consumption of questionable things like Vegemite the average life expectancy is probably only something like 45, but still that would only place you somewhere in the middle aged bracket.
bah, MOnday make sme feel stupid, no more
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:10:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What scant undergrowth exists - tree ferns mostly - is right now brown and dormant."
Reminds me of a girl I once dated.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a cool lady.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To take a weekend card-playing trip with 6 children along for the ride and make such an entertaining post takes talent.
You heard it here first.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-06 10:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you rock at life.