Shamrock Open - Touch Me Clover (899 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber-related
Rating: 1.79 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-07 09:50:29 EST
"I want you to know that this is a safe and comforting place. You can say anything here and be free from judgment."
"Heh, thanks, so, like, if I were to say Hey Doctor I killed someone you couldn't, like, tell me I was bad?"
"Have you killed anyone?"
"What? No!"
"Do you want to?"
"No!"
"So why bring it up? It seems to be on your mind."
"Look, I was just asking..."
"Fair enough. I can see the topic makes you uncomfortable so we'll come back to it later."
"Right...."
"So. What's your biggest problem right now, as you see it?"
"There's this elf."
"Go on."
"He comes into my room at night and tells me to touch his clover. "Touch me clover, it's magically delicious, tripitee, tripitah, potatoes." That kind of thing."
"And by clover he means...?"
"His penis, I think - I don't know, I've never touched it!"
"I see."
"What's that mean? What are you writing down?"
"Just some notes. Do you have any Irish relatives - an older brother, perhaps, or an uncle?"
"I have an Uncle Seamus... he's Irish."
"Ahhh."
"What does aaah mean?"
"Well. You're aware that there's no such thing as elves?"
"I guess, but I don't think HE knows that."
"He doesn't exist, is what I mean."
"Really? Because he smells pretty bad, sometimes it takes a week to get the smell of whiskey out of my room, and--"
"No, that's your imagination. See, this is called transference."
"Right...?"
"When you were a child, your Uncle Seamus obviously did something to you, and in order to protect yourself from this knowledge, you've created another entity to blame."
"...No, I'm pretty sure you're wrong."
"Who's lying on the couch here, you or me? Which one of us sees elves?"
"That was uneccessarily judgmental, I think."
"And yet, true."
"Good point."
"I mean, just look at this character you've created! Tripitee, tripitah, potatoes? You've taken every media driven Irish stereotype and crammed them into some imaginary creature! Look at it logically - even if there WERE Irish elves, do you think they'd use a catchphrase like 'magically delicious'?"
"I.. I guess not."
"So, we are left to assume that...?"
"But Uncle Seamus?"
"He was the first person to occur to you in the context of Irishmen. That tells me a lot."
"But we're all pretty sure he's gay."
"Child molestation has little to do with sexual gratification, and everything to do with power."
"But, really, if you'd met him you'd see what I mean - he's tiny, and he minces everywhere, and he never even stayed at our house."
"He must have, you've repressed it."
"Really?"
"I wrote my thesis on repression and transference."
"Oh."
"You're a textbook case."
"I am?"
"Our hour is nearly up - we've made a lot of progress today. I want you to go home and write this down: "I do not believe in you, you are the sickness of my mind, I demand that you leave." And if little Mr Touch Me Clover shows up, read that aloud to yourself until he goes away."
"Wow.. thank you so much. I never would have known I was a victim of abuse if you hadn't told me."
"A lot of people say that."
"Paddy. Good to see you again. You remember that this is a safe and comforting place, and that you can say anything here and be free from judgment?"
"Tripitee, tripitah, potatoes."
"We've discussed this, Paddy. Your merry Irish leprechaun persona is ultimately damaging to your self image."
"Touch me clover!"
"Now, I understand that it's a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that you're a grown man of only a foot and a half in height, but I must insist you drop this act during our appointments."
"....Sorry, Doc."
"That's better. Now, how are you going with your Plan for Wellbeing?"
"Oh... that."
"Yes, that. Am I to assume you've lapsed yet again?"
"She lives alone and she left the window open and I had the green suit all ready and.. well..."
"And you broke into her room and told her to touch your clover?"
".....yes."
"That was a bad thing to do, wasn't it?"
".....yes."
"And the right thing to do is...?"
"......not-sneak-into-young-women's-rooms-and-pretend-to-be-an-elf."
"Right. There's only so many child molestation stories I can hand out, you know."
"I know. 'm sorry."
"Okay then. Just try and do better."
"Yes, Mum."
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2006-03-12 18:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-09 23:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
I loe you Circe
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-09 20:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe you must win damn it you must.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-03-09 18:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
teehee.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-03-08 00:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, the phrase "tripitee, tripitah, potatoes" has been going through my head all day.
ALL YOUR FAULT!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-07 23:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was good, but the ending was a bit forced.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked the pace, the ending was tight. good shit.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-07 16:50:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FROSTED LUCKY CHARMS....THEY'RE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-07 16:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish Circe would touch my clover.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-07 16:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've met people like that.
The elf, I mean.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:57:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:07:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm generally very fond of your posts.
This talking heads bit didn't do it for me though. Very "meh."
Would have been a nice story line if you had actually made it a story.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-07 12:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well exicuted. The first part was great. The second part was necessary but it felt forced.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. This was a quick an refreshing little bit of nonsense. And as such, it was thoroughly enjoyable
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and so it begins. nicely done.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Lots.
Especially from a "why am I on this couch, this cunt could tell me anything" standpoint.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-07 10:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot to link this on the round 3 contest post. Might want to do that.
I liked this, in an Andy Warhol/Picasso sort of way.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-03-07 10:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He could have a second career telling 8 year old boys to burn things.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-07 10:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good...as in "ahhh, that's clever"
not quite good as in "oh m y god that was freaking awesome"
but close.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 10:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:56:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
long, but good
--------------------
Short, but very good.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:54:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee hee cool.
But...it was short...The +2 is dependant on your opponents entry.
____________
I'm currently rolling my eyes.
My opponent is Mr Golden Boy Can Do No Wrong Orgasmatron.
I'm gonna lose, dude, whether you leave me a +2 or not.
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
long, but good
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"That was uneccessarily judgmental, I think."
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee hee cool.
But...it was short...The +2 is dependant on your opponents entry.
AND YOU POSTED YOUR SHAMROCK OPEN THING BEFORE ME TODAY! Shame on you.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-07 09:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tripitee, tripitah, potatoes
heh heh heh