The Effects of Punching Various Persons and/or Animals in the Facial Vicinity (1272 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.76 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2006-03-07 10:45:43 EST
Always on the verge of scientific discovery bordering insanity, I trudge through life making headway on tough topics that no one else wishes to tackle. Like my previous studies, "the effects of dog-poop flavored kisses on infants through adults" and "the guy with the really loud cell phone ringer in the library is going to make me murder him in cold blood," this study is sure to influence the way that life is handled from this point forward.
Now I present to you my findings in:
The Effects of Punching Various Persons and/or Animals in the Facial Vicinity
Preface:
I am a scientist. I like science.
Materials Needed:
1. Right-handed boxing glove
2. Right-handed metal gauntlet from priceless family heirloom suit of armor
3. Right handed brass knuckles
4. Right-handed roll of quarters
5. Right hand
6. First aid kit
7. Sponge-Bob notepad
8. Scented markers (throw away black one, licorice sucks)
Subjects:
Animal Human
1. Cow 1. Infant
2. Horse 2. Toddler
3. Rooster 3. Emo-Adolescent
4. Hamster 4. Adult
5. Dog 5. Retard (no age distinction)
6. Cat 6. Deaf, blind, mute adult
Animal Findings:
1. Cow:
When I look at cows, I think one of two things: mmmmm, hamburgers and God, cows are stupid. Coupled with the basic elements of stupidity inherent to cattle is their smell. I braved the scent of hay and shit to enact this test, so you could be a little appreciative of this, Mr. Cattle Farmers. Appreciative is not synonymous with peppering MY BACK WITH BIRDSHOT!
Cows look like they have hard heads and I didn't want to hurt my hand. I'm going to choose the boxing glove for this one Phil (Phil's my imaginary friend. His little brother's name is Jensen, but I can't see him. I think Jensen was born of Phil's imaginary parents. We all know that imaginary parents are about as good as a bird in your hand with a hairy bush.). I didn't have time to wrap my hand before slipping into the glove, so I will need a full-scale FTD (fistually transmitted disease) inspection after my experiment. Examining the subject further, revealed that this cow was brown, thus one of those pricey chocolate milk cows.
My intent was not to harm the delicious chocolaty beverage producing animal, but merely to gauge its reaction to the stimulus at hand. I cocked my arm back and let loose my best haymaker. The cow stared blankly forward and farted. Wishing that I could say that the scent of honeysuckle and jasmine wafted into the old olfactory, this cow fart smelled like rotten baby-back ribs dipped in shit.
Cows are either inertly clever or just stupid pussies. Either way, the closest I ever plan on getting near a cow again is at Fuddrucker's.
2. Horse:
A step up in obvious intelligence from the cow, horses still strike me as dumb. Basically, they're obsolete cars. And, you know what else?! People always use that saying 'hung like a horse.' Hung like a horse?! If I were a thousand pounds, I'd probably have a giant dick, too! Stupid horses. You're always so confident in yourselves because you have hooves and giant horse dicks. I've got news for you all: I'm about to rock your long faces up.
OK. I need to leave my equine hatred out of this.
The boxing glove on the cow elicited a fart; maybe, the brass knucks on the horses will bring about some poop or pee. It all boils down to my love of dick and fart jokes. After reading that sentence, I noticed the independent clause that could cement my homosexuality.
It's go time. I'm shooting for the nose.
One hour, seventeen stitches, an emergency room and a crushed foot later, I realized that horses indeed have a large phallus for a reason. Another lesson learned is that when a horse stands on its hind legs, they're really tall.
Unless you enjoy pissing blood and walking with a limp for the rest of your life, don't punch a horse in the face.
After the rigorous healing process I partook from my dealings with the horse, I decided a smaller animal was more conducive to my health.
...To be continued with the rooster when I free up some time
**Author's note: Animals were harmed in making of this post and I drank lead paint one time when I was a child.
User Reviews
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-09 04:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
made me smile. yeeah.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:18:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
part 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85036
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Effect of Reading a Funny Post in My Keyboard Vicinity = +2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But the seal thing we did talk about and my friend Jason totally punched a seal in the face. For what reason, I know not.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AJ,
I don't think that we talked about this in AC, but I've drank enough whiskey since then to kill a small whale.
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2006-03-08 05:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is some of the funniest shit i have read n a long time on this site. i look forward to the rest.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-07 22:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We talked about this in Atlantic City, didn't we?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-07 22:09:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am sorely disappointed not seeing the seal on the list, but I'll still read it.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if this doesn't make you laugh, you don't have a soul.
or you're mormon.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:44:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, I wouldn't punch a monkey. They throw poop. Paula, you don't throw poop, do you? Didn't think so.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you punch me in the face?
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-07 20:19:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor animals. For some reason, the idea of a cow with a black eye or a fat lip makes me laugh uncontrollably.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-03-07 20:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jgreening said it best
B@W
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-07 19:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, Terry.
+2, B@W/
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-03-07 16:52:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-03-07 16:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
4. Right-handed roll of quarters
-----
Sweet.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-07 15:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Horses are hung like me. Don't make me wait, I want more!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The public is fickle. It's OK, though.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why is this not +2 with 50 reviews right now?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I want to punch that child in the esophagus.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice boat, boss. I have a 21' Mako stored at the beach house on the Eastern Shore for my trips out on the Bay. It's getting old, though, and I don't get out there nearly enough to use it like I should. Hell, I don't use the house, for that matter.
I'll drop you a line (haHA! get it? drop a line? oh! my sides!), man. I'll have a couple of weeks off coming up in about a month or so. I've got to finish this timbering at home and I'll have the cash and time.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-07 12:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-03-07 12:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.seahuntboats.com/06t207.html
Here's my boat, except mine is the Carolina blue hull. Definitely, hit me up. I'll be looking for excuses to go fishing.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+3295812359135813254901235891249124
you have no idea how much this struck home for me.
i was at penn state a few months back, and i engaged in a ferocious debate about whether one could knock out a horse if you punched him in the head.
we concluded no, you could not. but it would be fun to try. and an arrow shot from a composite bow could knock a horse out if you shot him in the head. that was our other conclusion.
we were walking down beaver st, and we see 5 cops sitting on horses. i ask my buddy A, "do you think if you got a running start, and punched the horse in the face as hard as you possible could, you could knock it out"
A: absolutely not.
me: i think you could.
A: I'd like to go get my bow hunting shit and shoot the horse in the face. that'd knock him out.
me: yeah, probably.
i love myself.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:32:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Silvrwolf,
I just bought a center console Sea Hunt. It comes in 4 weeks. I'm taking my kayak to a local lake this weekend to hit up some pickerel and trout.
Let me know if you want to come up for spring striper season.
terrysterling21.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I drank lead paint one time when I was a child"
I'm guessing the whole tin, right?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit, man. On a related note, you can actually kill a cow by punching it between the eyes. I've witnessed it on two occasions. Of course, the guy doing the punching had forearms the size of most people's thighs, but it's still pretty badass to one-hit homicide a bovine. Stupid cows should've just gotten into the trailer like their buddies did. Ahh, good times.
Now for the unrelated stuff: It's time to go fishing, man. I hit up a trout stream this past weekend. The unusual weather as of late has them hitting like crazy. Rumor has it that the largemouth and stripers are stirring on the lakes, as well. Smallmouth action is good, too, but that's not unusual this time of year.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just amusing.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Unless you enjoy pissing blood and walking with a limp for the rest of your life, don't punch a horse in the face.
--------
That shall be my mantra from now on
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-07 10:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har science
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-07 10:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't wait to see the rest of your findings, but it will have to wait. I'm off to my vacation.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 10:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a scientist. I like science.