My testes take a beating (579 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.16 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alex DeWitt <alex.dewitt.at.ntlworld.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-07 11:45:39 EST
I'm sure many of you are familiar with the ancient art of bishop bashing, but my tale of genital thrashing is along a far less pleasurable line.
The first incident occurred when I was at a house party some years ago. I was, as per usual, slamming chots down my neck as I would slam a hungry hungry hippos game. I spied a enticing new bottle in the kitchen! The colourful picture on the bottle belied the evil chemical within. "mmmm, vegetable juice' I mumbled as my myopic eyes strained to focus on the pretty tomatoes and carrots. I sprayed generous amounts into my numb mouth, Sprayed, that's not normal. The bottle was snatched out of my hand by a worried friend who had noticed me drinking weed killer in the corner. I ran outside and started eating flowers instead.
John was out there laying on the grass, and coincidentally at that time I passed through the drowsy barrier into a manic frenzy. John challenged me to a 'Matrix fight', and convinced I could fly I agreed. John began by brutally smashing down Darren's garden fence, whilst I ran round in tight circles whilst humming in a high pitch. Then John looked on as I performed many a made up kung fu stance, waiting patiently until I had settled into a wide horse riding stance. He seized the moment, launching his boot into my dangling manhood, crushing them into each other. I instantly fell, sobered up, and resisting the gag reflex, before laying motionless on the lawn in the foetal position whilst john looked on in hysterics.
The next day I was taking the truncheon out for a test drive, when something truly sickening happened. "That's not supposed to be that colour". The shade of my man milk matched the new extra long spout, deluxe red watering can in the issue of gardeners weekly I was using. "I've got fucking cancer!". Hours spent trawling the net revealed the slim chance of me actually having cancer, and then I saw it, "can be caused by trauma". My memory of the previous night had until that point been non-existent, but then the excruciating orbal impact replayed in my mind. "Johns a fucking cock pole!" I muttered to myself. "Oh My God!" came the scream of my girlfriend as she found the blood-spattered heap of porn scattered across the bed. Hmmm, this could play in my favour...."I'll tell her tomorrow".
The second 'incident' occurred to my unlucky nads when I was training at home. I was sitting on one of those big round swiss balls, doing sit ups. My girlfriend was trying to get my attention, but I wouldn't be distracted until I had finished my set. She came down to try more persuasive methods of distraction, and the mechanics of what happened next have been permanently erased from my memory, suffice to say that somehow she ended up kneeling in my groin. I could work out the pressure exerted by her patella on my scrotum, using force divided by area, but that wouldn't be necessary since I clearly remember the feeling of having both of my testicles forced into my abdominal cavity. I threw her off me like the hulk, and vommed a bit of pure bile into my mouth before once again adopting the somehow comforting foetal position. I thummed what I imagined to resemble two Tesco value tinned plum tomatoes which had been dropped on the floor several times back into their correct region. It took me a couple of hours just to be able to stand straight and stop gagging, and then there was the blood.
I now never leave the house without wearing a groin guard.
User Reviews
Submitted by Drawstring (user info) at 2006-03-10 06:01:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt kick you that hard!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ouch.
Submitted by Vomitoxin_AKA_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-03-07 16:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you really want your testes to get a beating?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84929
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
You fucking suck.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-07 12:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I sprayed generous amounts into my numb mouth, Sprayed, that's not normal.
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too bad you didn't drink the whole fuckin bottle
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm the king of self abuse. I may write a book.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-07 11:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nope, this guys testes are taking a beating
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78586