Shamrock Open- You'll Never Get Me Pot O' Gold (1060 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.42 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (View user info) at 2006-03-07 13:52:07 EST
Dressed in all black, the man stood in the shadow of the towering buildings by the end of the alleyway. Trashcans and filth were his companions in this place of decay and debris where the shit of society is dumped. It was only fitting that I would meet him here, that I would meet such a man in such a disgusting place.
Being an undercover cop is never as glorious as people think. Books, I-Vids, basically every dramatic representation romanticizes it as a life where you delve into the rich and powerful world of criminals and dealers. Where you watch orgies and acts of unbelievable and unfettered pleasure that ordinary citizens just don't take place in.
In real life, you spend most of your time being in shitty houses and the dregs of society keep you company there. That is where real crime flourishes, and that is why agents like me exist. So that we can be applied directly to the source and crush dealers in small pockets. Always small, but always hunting for them.
There can't be an unlimited amount after all...
My khaki trench coat was stained earlier on the hem from the dirty ground and from puddles of indiscriminate murky water that splashes up whenever a foot falls into them. My shoes have been browned by a million little things that they walked through while traveling the miles and miles of city streets I patrol. Not that anyone knows I patrol them, because I am just like any other guy. I'm a guy in search of a dealer, nothing more.
But looped into the back of my belt, hidden by my coat is my Ri87 9mm, not something citizens would have. Beside it is my badge but I never even bother to take that thing out anymore.
The man in black is seemingly unbothered by his surroundings, as he is probably used to meeting potential clients in alleys like this. Scum and the unwanted look to him for some sort of reprieve from a difficult life. Every person he turns away from reality is one less person who can help the State. He and people like him are bleeding precious strength off of what really matters.
As his eyes meet mine I take a good look at him. In the mid 50's probably. He has graying hair that he obviously hasn't taken the time to color. His whole face is lined and weathered, but he has that smug and distant look of a dealer. For a moment I considered drawing my pistol and gunning him down here, but experience stays my hand.
"Do you want to hear a joke?" I ask as I walk up to him. This is how it starts, this is the test if my info is correct. When the State passed law 3464C-18 in 2107, dealers like him went underground as police began to round them up by the tens of thousands. An underground society was created that tried to communicate with one another by using symbols and codes. Originally they reached back into history and reused symbolic codes that were used when two people would meet, like having one person draw half a symbol and the other person would have to complete it, then they would know they were of the same cause.
That was so simple, in those days we rounded up the underground movement in huge pockets. Then they became more cunning as more and more prison cells were filled. They used spoken codes that would be changed every month to contact one another. It had taken me a couple of weeks of hard work, but I had found the password this month and this was the test to see if it worked.
It was supposed to be a stupid joke, but I never got it.
"Sure." The man said turning to me. This was my contact, if I didn't do the joke right he wouldn't speak to me. My superiors always said, "No arrests until you see the merchandise! Until you have it in your hands, they are clean, you got it?". And so I needed to get his trust, he needed to show me what he was pushing.
"These two leprechauns are talking to one another. The one leprechaun asks the other...." I paused. Now was his turn to do his bit of the script.
"I think I have heard this one." The man said in a thick Irish accent and I had to stop from smiling. That was his first signal to continue, that I was correct so far.
"Well I'll tell it anyway. The leprechaun asks, 'Hey, you got any gold on you? I need to buy some cigarettes.'" I paused a moment to take a breath in excitement, but it was well hidden. He wouldn't suspect anything.
"And so the other leprechaun turns to him and says...What?" The man asks, giving me the final go ahead. The punch line is the code. The punch line is the important end of this tiny drama that got me into the community.
"You'll Never Get Me Pot O' Gold." With that reply, the man smiles and he takes a big breath, one of relief.
I can't help but think, 'Sucker'.
"My name is O'Grady, what's yours?" This is no longer part of the password, this is just a dealer wondering who he is dealing to.
"You can call me Constantine." I reply and he smiles warmly at me.
"Come on, follow me." And with those words he turned on his heel and began walking down the alleyway with me following at his heels. The neural inserts in my eyes and neck were recording everything I saw and at the same time relaying my signal to the back up team who would act as a fire team if and when the sting came to fruition.
I almost didn't notice the small door that was wedged between a boarded up window and a dumpster, but when he opened it I made a mental note to always check every shadow in the future. Buzzing slightly in my ear, I heard the fire team talking among themselves on the neural link and bringing up schematics of the building and how to enter.
"Come in." O'Grady told me and I followed him inside. The room I came into was small and heated. An ancient gas stove took up one of the tiny walls by itself, with a cracked table dominating the floor. The only person in the room was an older woman who nodded at me slowly, and I nodded back. O'Grady winked at her and walked around the table to another door that he opened and entered. I followed him and saw the door was at the top of a set of wooden stairs, which we went down to a basement level.
The room here was dark, lit only by one halogen bulb that hung from the ceiling at the end of a cord. Cabinets and shelves lined the room and a coffee table sat in the center of the floor with two spindly chairs next to it.
"So...do you have any 'Gods gold'?" I asked. No need to beat around the bush now, because if he didn't deal to me I didn't get to take him down.
O'Grady smiled and walked over to one cabinet.
"It's getting harder you know? I would think it would be easier with all the police being rerouted to go fight in the eastern war, but they always seem to find us. Every time we try to get together, fewer and fewer come." O'Grady explained as he came to one cabinet and began to wave his palm in front of it in an elaborate pattern. Presumably the locking mechanism inside was scanning his palm insert and verifying his identity. Either that or he was crazy, which is not something that would surprise me.
"Yeah I know. Another salvo of nukes were dropped just the other day, things are escalating. The Pacific fleet was badly damaged at the battle of the East Sea and with the nuclear bombardments they may have to turn around." I replied. Just making small talk to put him at ease. The whispering in my neural inserts were detailing how the fire team was outside the building, ready to storm in at my signal.
The cabinet door popped open and O'Grady reached in, drawing out a duffel bag that he carried over to the table and set down gently.
I had to keep myself from reaching out now and ripping open the bag, had to stay calm till the last moment when I sprung the trap.
"You really have Gods gold?" I asked again trying to sound surprised and relieved, the dealer nodded.
"Whatever you need, I have it." He said and opened the bag revealing what I had been waiting for.
I reached in and took out a few pieces for examination, my eye inserts recording everything for later.
The crucifix in my hand had gold filament inlaid into the wood around Christ's depicted body. His pale body was frozen forever in a look of agony.
The bag was full of them.
"Take whatever you need my son. But be careful." O'Grady said gently and I smiled wickedly.
"Oh, I take great care of my Gods gold." I muttered. That was it, that was the code word. Even though we couldn't hear it in the basement, I knew the fire team was now charging the room above and making its way down here.
I set the crucifix down and reached inside my trench coat to my pistol. The smart handle read my palm insert and switched to active mode as I drew it out and pointed it at O'Grady's head, who's hands flew into the air.
"You are under arrest for the pushing of artifacts outlawed by the State in Section 1354RT- paragraph 17. You are hereby stripped of your rights as a citizen and at the will of the State." I spouted everything I 'needed' to say. Not that anyone cared. O'Grady's eyes were wide open and he looked terrified. I could barely see that his mouth gently lipped the word "no".
The door at the top of the stairs exploded as the fire team broke it down and rushed down the stairs, all weapons pointed at O'Grady who now had a tear rolling down his face.
"Wait no! Hold on! My wife had nothing to do with this! Please let he..." He started to plead but Fire Team Alpha interrupted him.
"The woman upstairs is dead. Save your breath."
O'Grady's knees and hands began to shake and he looked down at the ground.
"Why? Why do you do this? We don't hurt anyone." He mumbled as tears streamed down his cheeks and I scoffed.
"You help no one. You waste time and resources on stupid ideals that any rational person knows are false. You worship stupid gods and can't accept the truth. We need every man, woman, and child to defeat The Eastern Republic and you're harming that effort with this crap!" I roared as I kicked the table upending the bag and spilling its contents out on the floor. More crosses and idols fell to the ground.
"Please...I don't want trouble..." O'Grady said pitifully and I turned to the members of the fire team and smiled.
"I think he is resisting arrest don't you?" I asked, and they nodded with grins behind their visors in agreement.
"No! No I'm not! I just want to und..." Whatever he wanted to understand I never heard it because I shot him through the knee and he dropped to the floor screaming. I reached down and grabbed him by his hair and yanked him to his knees.
"Do it. I know you want to. FUCKING DO IT!" I said jabbing my pistol into his temple. O'Grady shifted his weight onto his good knee and brought his trembling hands together before his face. He shut his eyes and began to soundlessly mouth words in sequence. The fire team could wait, I wanted to make a point.
When O'Grady was done praying he opened his eyes slowly.
"Did it work?" I asked harshly, and his eyes turned slowly towards me.
"May god have mercy on your s..." He began but he said no more as my pistol barked out fire and the side of his head exploded outwards and he fell to the ground.
Just another scene, another dealer who can no longer poison the minds of the people with his nonsense.
I really do hate them. I really do hate those Christians.
User Reviews
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-09 13:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, but I felt like it was lacking 'something.' It has nothing to do with my personal beliefs, but rather how the story was told. I can't quite figure what that 'something' is, but the story was definitely worth reading.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU WORKED HARD FOR THIS +2 (ALBA)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good read HV.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Illinois dicksuckery aside (sory Thorns), this is my favorite of the two.
The idea of Christianity being forced underground is chilling, not from a Christian standpoint but just from an American history standpoint.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:39:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 all day long.
this was very well written, interesting, and had a sweet little titty twist at the end.
i liked it.
i wasn't crazy about the apparent demonifying of something you have a personal belief about, but i liked it either way.
-----
That was something I worried people would get out of this.
It is neither anit-Christian, pro-Christian or anything. Actually I thought people would assume I was super Christian because I made the Christian seem good in comparison to the close minded police officer.
I don't know what I was trying to say here, that is really up to interpretation. What I am surprised with is that some people actually argue they may be in FAVOR of the police, which boggles my mind. They were intended to be evil, at least that is how I tried to portray them.
Look at me babbling on. I will be quiet now.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 all day long.
this was very well written, interesting, and had a sweet little titty twist at the end.
i liked it.
i wasn't crazy about the apparent demonifying of something you have a personal belief about, but i liked it either way.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HV - grammatical errors not withstanding, this was a very enjoyable story, and you made ME work my ass off, so have a +2. You earned it.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i support this post. minor grammar errors nonwithstanding.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:45:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:22:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
one person has defended your errors, not a group of people.
================
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-07 22:17:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes it's difficult to remain in one tense when you're trying to relay a mix of past or future circumstances that affect the present moment you're describing. There is a difference between recklessly changing tenses, and making legitimate exceptions in context in order to relay the reasoning for a character's particular action or emotion. If you pay too much attention to perfecting tense, it can actually become more difficult to read because it isn't written the way people naturally speak, thus detracting from the flow. I'm somewhat of a stickler for proper tense, and I had no problem whatsoever with the tense here.
I guess I should have just said "I have no problem with the tense here", since everything else I said was written in present tense. Yet, I'm certain you know, or "knew" what I meant.
Know what I mean?
========================
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 19:43:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:39:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
As his eyes meet mine I take a good look at him. In the mid 50's probably. He has graying hair that he obviously hasn't taken the time to color. His whole face is lined and weathered, but he has that smug and distant look of a dealer. For a moment I considered drawing my pistol and gunning him down here, but experience stays my hand.
-----------------------------
okay seriously, can you honestly tell me what tense this story is supposed to be in? i'm having an impossible time with this...
-------------------------------
I think I can field this one.....
The story is in present tense, but it is possible FOR THINGS TO HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST IN THE STORY. His face isn't getting weathered in real time, is it? He has greying hair RIGHT NOW, but his face was lined in the past.
Fucking hell.
=================================
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-07 19:03:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
There are no hard and fast rules when writing fiction.
Wardy missed the forest and saw only individual trees.
That happens when one is angry.
=================================
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
one person has defended your errors, not a group of people. the rest (and by the rest i am referring to two or three people), are simply mad that i gave you a -2 in a "writing contest"...
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Because before you even finished reading it you were dealing out judgement. Because it just so happens that the only person who has an issue with the tense is the person who I beat last time who told me to fuck off. You have shown a lack of interest in trying to understand anything explained to you and I am not the only one who thinks so.
Even though you say "This has nothing to do with the +1 you gave me" I think it all stems from this:
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-01 15:31:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
go fuck yourself, moron.
You really seem to be emotionally uninvested and level headed with that statement. And you have been camping on here ignoring everything that not only I, but many other people have said defending the post. Obviously you do not want to be convinced otherwise, you just want this to be rated as crap so that I lose. The only reason you gave me a 1 last time when you told me to fuck myself is because you were still in the contest and afraid I would give you bad ratings. Well be a man and skate it off dude.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-08 08:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
in that case, why have a rating system at all if you can just choose to eliminate the ones you don't agree with anyways? i gave valid reasons for my ratings, i'm sorry you don't agree with them.
fucktard.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 07:50:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 00:08:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-08 00:06:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
The rating on this post is a fucking farce. It is a well-written
story, you FUCKING JERKS!! Don't you understand the guy is in a
contest??
The bullshit ratings should be removed, just as certain alters
should be removed/killed.
----
I appreciate your concern because I really did put energy into writing this. But some people just don't care.
I am going to ask Capt. Thorns (my opponent) if he is cool with me removing 3 bs raters. If he says no then I'll deal with that, if yes then I think I'll be okay. The people who actually read it seemed to like it.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-08 01:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not trying to undo what i've done, i'm not sorry for what i've done.
and yes, i am too stupid.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-08 00:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 23:11:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
alright, apparently i'm the only one who saw the grammatical errors that should not have existed in a late round writing contest, i'm sorry. it isn't in my nature to be an asshole. here's a +2 to extend the olive branch, blunt, ky, etc.
_________________________________________________________________________
Wardy, you need to submit about twenty +2s to rectify the damage you have done.
Don't bother. Your dipshit reviews will probably be removed.
BTW, are you really too stupid to use the SHIFT KEY ???!!!???!!!????
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 00:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-08 00:06:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
The rating on this post is a fucking farce. It is a well-written
story, you FUCKING JERKS!! Don't you understand the guy is in a
contest??
The bullshit ratings should be removed, just as certain alters
should be removed/killed.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-08 00:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The rating on this post is a fucking farce. It is a well-written
story, you FUCKING JERKS!! Don't you understand the guy is in a
contest??
The bullshit ratings should be removed, just as certain alters
should be removed/killed.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 23:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FannyGrady (user info) at 2006-03-07 23:31:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
---------
Constructive. I like that.
Submitted by FannyGrady (user info) at 2006-03-07 23:31:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 23:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
alright, apparently i'm the only one who saw the grammatical errors that should not have existed in a late round writing contest, i'm sorry. it isn't in my nature to be an asshole. here's a +2 to extend the olive branch, blunt, ky, etc.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 22:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Having a picture in a contest is cheating.
-2die!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-07 22:17:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes it's difficult to remain in one tense when you're trying to relay a mix of past or future circumstances that affect the present moment you're describing. There is a difference between recklessly changing tenses, and making legitimate exceptions in context in order to relay the reasoning for a character's particular action or emotion. If you pay too much attention to perfecting tense, it can actually become more difficult to read because it isn't written the way people naturally speak, thus detracting from the flow. I'm somewhat of a stickler for proper tense, and I had no problem whatsoever with the tense here.
I guess I should have just said "I have no problem with the tense here", since everything else I said was written in present tense. Yet, I'm certain you know, or "knew" what I meant.
Know what I mean?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 22:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wardy I'm not, I am just trying to explain.
I like to write, the important thing for me is to know if you liked it or not. Obviously you didn't. But you kept asking me questions and I just tried to answer them. Either I did not answer it fully to you, or you will refuse my answers because you don't want to hear them.
This is what I wanted to write, nothing more, nothing less.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 22:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:49:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:33:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
As his eyes MEET mine I take a good look at him. In the mid 50's probably. He has graying hair that he obviously hasn't taken the time to color. His whole face is lined and weathered, but he has that smug and distant look of a dealer. For a moment I CONSIDERED drawing my pistol and gunning him down here, but experience stays my hand.
----
When he thinks something that happened in the past, even a few seconds before, it needs to go in past tense.
The tense didn't change, his thoughts just were happening previously.
------------------------
His thoughts can't be happening previously as they are occuring in the same scene. He can't be going from present tense into past tense, unless time travel is involved. It wouldn't have been a big deal if you didn't do it all over the place, but you did. But whatever, my ratings don't count right, so why are you making such a big deal out of this?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:49:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:56:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
i have mixed emotions about which character i identify with:
i dislike organized religions, but i hate the state...
however this was fucking awesome...
============
Agreed. Being torn between the supposed good guy and bad guy is a sign of a good story.
It's true that a once over proofread would have made it even better, but I know it's not your style. Some of your description is just fantastic.
I really like what you did here, clearly the goods were not what I expected them to be.
I am quite amused by your comical posts, Voltage; so when I read something like this from you I just think you're probably underrated here as a writer, and maybe a bit of a dark horse. I need to devote more time to reading your serious fiction.
Plus fucking 2.
----
I will admit it is awkward at points, but I did actually skim this one over. If anything is in there, I either A) Missed it [I include that because anything is possible] or B) Intended it to be there despite it's fucked-up-ness.
But Licious I am just a guy who tries to please the masses. You can't make everyone laugh, but sometimes you can make them cry, which can be just as good.
I do hope you think of me more as a comedic writer though, because those are the ones I am most proud of. I love making people laugh.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:38:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
i love how general authority-figure wrath associated with drugs is directed at religion in this.
oh, and were you thinking of the marx quote, "religion is the opiate of the masses" when you wrote this?
----
I will admit that when I figured out what I wanted to write some marxist ideas came into my head, namely that being one of them.
I hope I kept you guessing about what the "dealer" is pushing. And of course I am glad you enjoyed this.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:33:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
As his eyes MEET mine I take a good look at him. In the mid 50's probably. He has graying hair that he obviously hasn't taken the time to color. His whole face is lined and weathered, but he has that smug and distant look of a dealer. For a moment I CONSIDERED drawing my pistol and gunning him down here, but experience stays my hand.
----
When he thinks something that happened in the past, even a few seconds before, it needs to go in past tense.
The tense didn't change, his thoughts just were happening previously.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:56:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
i have mixed emotions about which character i identify with:
i dislike organized religions, but i hate the state...
however this was fucking awesome...
============
Agreed. Being torn between the supposed good guy and bad guy is a sign of a good story.
It's true that a once over proofread would have made it even better, but I know it's not your style. Some of your description is just fantastic.
I really like what you did here, clearly the goods were not what I expected them to be.
I am quite amused by your comical posts, Voltage; so when I read something like this from you I just think you're probably underrated here as a writer, and maybe a bit of a dark horse. I need to devote more time to reading your serious fiction.
Plus fucking 2.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love how general authority-figure wrath associated with drugs is directed at religion in this.
oh, and were you thinking of the marx quote, "religion is the opiate of the masses" when you wrote this?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:33:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
As his eyes MEET mine I take a good look at him. In the mid 50's probably. He has graying hair that he obviously hasn't taken the time to color. His whole face is lined and weathered, but he has that smug and distant look of a dealer. For a moment I CONSIDERED drawing my pistol and gunning him down here, but experience stays my hand.
Submitted by LadyJay (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really good twist... great read.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-07 21:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh fuck me on a compo post as well! What a TOOL!
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2006-03-07 20:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
haha i made a uber-nerd angry that was ez lol!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 20:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps if you can't understand tense you shouldn't be rating a competition post?
Just an idea.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 19:52:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 19:43:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:39:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
As his eyes meet mine I take a good look at him. In the mid 50's probably. He has graying hair that he obviously hasn't taken the time to color. His whole face is lined and weathered, but he has that smug and distant look of a dealer. For a moment I considered drawing my pistol and gunning him down here, but experience stays my hand.
-----------------------------
okay seriously, can you honestly tell me what tense this story is supposed to be in? i'm having an impossible time with this...
-------------------------------
I think I can field this one.....
The story is in present tense, but it is possible FOR THINGS TO HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST IN THE STORY. His face isn't getting weathered in real time, is it? He has greying hair RIGHT NOW, but his face was lined in the past.
Fucking hell.
----
Thank you. I wasn't even going to address that but you did it nicely.
Smooches.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 19:43:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:39:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
As his eyes meet mine I take a good look at him. In the mid 50's probably. He has graying hair that he obviously hasn't taken the time to color. His whole face is lined and weathered, but he has that smug and distant look of a dealer. For a moment I considered drawing my pistol and gunning him down here, but experience stays my hand.
-----------------------------
okay seriously, can you honestly tell me what tense this story is supposed to be in? i'm having an impossible time with this...
-------------------------------
I think I can field this one.....
The story is in present tense, but it is possible FOR THINGS TO HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST IN THE STORY. His face isn't getting weathered in real time, is it? He has greying hair RIGHT NOW, but his face was lined in the past.
Fucking hell.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-07 19:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are no hard and fast rules when writing fiction.
Wardy missed the forest and saw only individual trees.
That happens when one is angry.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-07 16:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-07 16:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
started slow, I almost didn't read it, but it picked up.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-07 15:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job. This fits in well with my reading material as of late.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:42:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!
Babies and Puppies taste great with cookies.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
As his eyes meet mine I take a good look at him. In the mid 50's probably. He has graying hair that he obviously hasn't taken the time to color. His whole face is lined and weathered, but he has that smug and distant look of a dealer. For a moment I considered drawing my pistol and gunning him down here, but experience stays my hand.
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okay seriously, can you honestly tell me what tense this story is supposed to be in? i'm having an impossible time with this...
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:35:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to say "well executed", but have decided against it.
+2 from me and DBA
----
You are now my Uber friend and I heart you and we will be married with babies and puppies and cookies in a house that I built out of legos in New York on 5th avenue.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:35:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to say "well executed", but have decided against it.
+2 from me and DBA
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not even going to respond, have fun wardy.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
My khaki trench coat was stained earlier on the hem from the dirty ground and from puddles of indiscriminate murky water that splashes up whenever a foot falls into them
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are you capable of keeping a sentence in one tense? or did that lesson in grammar wave bye-bye to you a long time ago? not to mention the overall awkwardness of this sentence...
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry that you are still upset wardy, but you are wrong.
First off it's one shadow. I mentioned two buildings but when two tall buildings stand side by side, they cast one shadow.
And the was is incorrectly placed.
Thanks anyway.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dressed in all black, the man stood in the shadowS of the towering buildings by the end of the alleyway. Trashcans and filth were his companions in this place of decay and debris where the shit of society WAS dumped. It was only fitting that I would meet him here; that I would meet such a man in such a disgusting place.
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Now that i've fixed your typos in the first paragraph, i'll go back and read the rest...
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have not been doing very well in this contest. What is odd is the posts I wrote during the contest that weren't directly FOR the contest did really well, I just couldn't make the Irish thing work.
If anyone wants me to explain the joke I can, it's lame. Kind of like the Aristocrats.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-07 14:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of your best so far, hands down.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 christian hating
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have mixed emotions about which character i identify with:
i dislike organized religions, but i hate the state...
however this was fucking awesome...