Valentine's Day post, and only a month late! (1182 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.86 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Darko (View user info) at 2006-03-07 17:44:18 EST
We are all familiar with Valentine's day, the holiday designed to make everybody miserable. Single people are reminded how lonely they are, and those in relationships realize how expensive they can be. I had my own ritual for the day, I would spend the money I would have spent on a girlfriend on myself. Some DVDs, CDs, hand lotion, and kleenex and I'd feel just fine about being alone.
However, my special celebration did not get a chance to take place this year. When I was ready to go pick up my presents for myself, a "friend" stopped by. These "friends" that all college students are familiar with are quite possible the best thing about attending college. The one downside is that sometimes they don't want sex, just to hang out and act like a real friend. She made her intention clear though when she complained of being cold and decided to remedy the situation by hopping up in my bed. I may not be the smartest guy, but ever I could do the math here. Single girl + Valentine's Day = horny & desperate + my bed = Jackpot! Needless to say, I promptly joined her in bed.
We were making out and removing clothes when there was a knock at my door. The girl just curled up and I put my pants back on and answered the door. Nothing kills an erection faster than seeing your mom who had driven two hours to see you. I stepped out in the hall to prevent her from looking in, but she wasn't interested in visiting me. In fact she just wished me a happy Valentine's day with a huge grin on her face, handed me a bag, and pranced off towards he exit of the building. It was the first time I ever actually saw someone prance.
I was understandably confused since in two minutes time I went from about to have sex, to having my mom unexpectedly show up, to watching her leave after saying three words to me. I think I even heard a cackle as she exited. My confusion was only trumped by my curiosity about the bag she handed me. After explaining the situation to my "friend", we started to look through the bag.
The first item pulled out was a bouquet of lollipops that looked like flowers. They will probably never get eaten, but I can see how they are cute. The next item was the requisite boxer shorts with hearts on them, practically a necessity for Valentine's Day. Also in the bag was a coffee mug which raid red hot on it, which caused the girl to say that it must have been for someone else because it sure couldn't be meant for me. After jokingly telling her to get out, I pulled out the last item, a heart shaped box from hallmark. The box claimed to be great for storing jewelry, cash, and chocolates. My mom had a far more creative use for it though. The box was filled with condoms, 49 of them to be exact. The girl thought my mom ripped me off by not giving me an even 50, but then decided that my mom probably had needed it for herself.
I attempted to laugh the incidence off and get back to the task at hand, but the girl wasn't making it easy. At first she just kept cracking up about how crazy my mom was, but eventually I was able to remind her why she came over. Just when it looked like we would finally have sex, she mentioned how we would get to put those gifts from my mom to good use. And it wasn't just a single mention, she went on to talk about how thoughtful my mom was and how she'd be proud that I was appreciating her gift. Now maybe it's just me, but having a girl repeatedly mention my mom kills both my erection and my sex drive. This made her both angry and disappointing, even to the point of rejecting my offer to at least eat her out. She wanted me in her and was going to be pissed if she left without that happening. Luckily, I was able to think of a solution.
User Reviews
Submitted by phels97 (user info) at 2006-03-29 14:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
One answer solves the questions at hand. The 50th condomn was used in the car w/your dad (i hope) (thats why he didnt come up), thats why she was prancing, thats where the missing condomn is...case solved. its v-day, everyone needs alittle bit of loving.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-08 23:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even if the rest of the post wasn't awesome, you'd have gotten a +2 on the filename alone.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's why next time you just take your dick out and put it in her face instead of trying to talk her out of her pants.
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, she told me she had it at the apartment she lives in so that if i ever just show up and have a girl over while she's gone I have one right there.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this gem yesterday. Have you asked your mom about the 50th condom yet?
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry for being such a Ninny Rad :(
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Flanders:
Y'know, Simpson, I feel kinda silly, but, uh, you know, what
the hey, you know ... kinda reminds me of my good ole
fraternity days.
Homer: D'oh! Oh my God! He's enjoying it!
Dead Putting Society
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I hope you used lube before you fucked her with your foot.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-03-08 09:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-08 06:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-08 06:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheap man's verucca sock.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-03-08 03:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE THE ONE BEHIND THAT LANCE ARMSTRONG POST?
YOU FUCKING NINNY.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-03-08 01:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope I forget this picture before the next time I have sex. I'm sure it won't be a problem.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-03-08 00:55:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's with the prancing mother? WTF did she prance? She never prances, why now? Where did condom nº50 go?
Some questions.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-07 23:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-07 17:49:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 footfucking. "It beats the fist and feels just right, stick toes inside your girl tonight!"
Oh what, like you've never tried it. Fucking liars. Don't judge me.
Submitted by Sicknote (user info) at 2006-03-07 20:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-07 20:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-07 18:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Because I am a flippin idiot who cannot remember a password. My laptop died about a month ago and I had just been using the remember me thing to be auto logged in.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-07 18:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why all the username changes?
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-07 18:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh...it was an awful big build up for a picture of a foot in a condom.
Submitted by NewestIndustry (user info) at 2006-03-07 17:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're one week early to be one month late. But the image is fucking classic, so I revoke that point loss. +2 for you, because I feel giving today.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-03-07 17:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is that a condom on your foot?
is that a fucking condom on your foot?!!
just checking.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-03-07 17:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Kicker of all ass"
Its never been so apt.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-07 17:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 footfucking. "It beats the fist and feels just right, stick toes inside your girl tonight!"
Oh what, like you've never tried it. Fucking liars. Don't judge me.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-07 17:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha!