The Diary of a cat....and my last working day of the week (For Loki) (794 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (View user info) at 2006-03-08 10:29:20 EST
Day 1) I couldn't see shit. It must have been dark out, all day. All I know is that I was hungry and I couldn't find my way to a source of nourishment. I kept hearing voices, voices sounding like mine. Are there more like me? Will know more tomorrow, when they turn on the lights.......
Day 2) Lights aren't on yet, but the sounds I heard were my kin-folk. Mom called us a litter, so I guess brothers and sisters are what keep crawling around on me. Found something that dispenses milk. Mom yelps when I bite it.
I need to see. I may have been premature. I may be blind
Day 18) Lights are on now and there are a bunch of us. Housing is adequate. Some kind of barn, upstairs in the loft is where we reside, but I can see the housing of the bi-peds from here. Will venture that way later on, work my way in through the little girl and explore their housing, for food and mischievousness.......
Day 21) The world is vast and unending. I ventured out for hours and couldn't find the boundaries. FREEDOM! Didn't get close to the house, patrol was too abundant. Constant traffic in the rear of the property....
I see a colorful bird, caged, through the window..... I begin to salivate
Day 24) CAPTURED. The bi-peds came and collected us. Trapped inside, now we are limited in our range of exploration. Ground is different, soft and furry in some areas, cold and hard in others. Strange scent from adjacent room lured me in, leftover debris. Food, sustenance confined in paper. Examined the paper closely, broke it down into smaller units for examination. Found new place to relieve myself.......
Day 48) Examination of leftover debris is not met with acceptance, nor is relieving myself on the sleeping area. .........Need to find ice for my backside.......Run from swinging shoe. Still can't reach the bird, counter tops not close enough.....
Life inside sucks.
Day 71) My Captors expect me to come to them. HA! Keep snapping those fingers, ass wipe; I'll be right here when you're through.......If they wish to rub me, they can come to me......
Day 89) The young female chases me so. Can I not have a moment's peace? "Here Kitty Kitty Kitty" an endless chant, combined with the bell hanging around my neck and pulling me towards her with my tail.
I may need to escape. I may need drugs.
Day 119) The young male has a bright shade of red fluid inside him. A quick pop to the face draws it out. He is vicious, he frightens me with his antics and his meanness.....I will search for more areas to open on his frail young body.
Day 122) The young male specimen bleeds freely from the ankles as well. I can wait patiently beneath the bed for him to walk by and strike with no danger of retaliation, he is too large to get under there and get me but too slow to catch me when I come out. HAHA, he is no match. His wailing in pain is music to my white fur-covered ears...
He has declared war and I gleefully accept his challenge.
Day 151) The war has ended. The eldest female has stepped in on my behalf. I must admit defeat, having lost my claws, felt the panic of being thrown in a tub of water, and placed in the clothes dryer. Death was eminent. He shed blood, and lots of it, but my life was in jeopardy, daily.
And will someone please take off this goddamn bell?
Day 171) I have found a comfy spot lying on top of the television set.
Day 231) It is Easter. I know this because the latter half of my tail is a bright blue color. Thank God the elder female caught him dipping me in the dye or I might be the first royal blue cat.
I hate him.
Day 450) My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.
I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow, I may eat another.
Tomorrow through Sunday I will be found at the local sporting arena watching hours upon hours of basketball. 20 rows from the floor, slightly left of mid-court...... No! I mean I will be sick, I felt it coming on weeks ago, I swear.
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-08 21:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe..cute
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WE'RE NUMBER 1:
Everything you ever wanted to know about Shlongy
User id: 10879
Registered on or around: 2004-08-02 17:37:55
# Messages posted: 99
# Reviews written: 20000 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 7087
# Hits: 154668
Average rating of all messages: 0.24
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For boring basketball, you can't beat the CAA - we host some amazing teams like Hofstra, VCU, Drexel, and George Mason.
Who?
Exactly.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I eat cats.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:38:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
The SEC and The Big East are where it's at...if you like mediocre basketball, anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Vols are doing very well my good sir and the SEC is the best division there is.
Period.
The end of the discussion.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GO DUKE DEVILS!!
Submitted by Sicknote (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow, I may eat another."
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Our cat is silly; she makes it a point to eat when we have supper; her food is kept near our table. A true family.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wanna be a cat.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:38:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The SEC and The Big East are where it's at...if you like mediocre basketball, anyway.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for post
-1 because duke sucks. i was raised on UVA, even though they suck.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy has committed blasphemy and must be drawn and quartered.
I would not have picked Tyler as the player of the year, maybe they were looking at how JJ has been shut down in the past two games and throwing out a protest vote.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:58:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
I like the cat story.
Unfortunately, I fucking hate the ACC.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This turned out awesome!
Have fun being "sick."
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Getting over the stomach flu. I was sick the whole time in Vegas. :(
How are you doing?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I like the cat story.
Unfortunately, I fucking hate the ACC.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Kates. How are things?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tobes. Hi.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the oddest sensation of de ja vu.
I know you're avoiding my last post.