The Shamrock Open - You'll Never Get Me Pot O' Gold (769 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.41 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2006-03-08 10:37:23 EST
God, this hurts.
The rope is tearing into my wrists as I struggle to wrench my hands from the binds. A faint aroma of blood fills the air and I realize that it's my own life force dripping onto the floor below me. Slowly, surely, each drop finds its way from my veins, runs down the back of the bed, and makes contact with the faded linoleum, forming an ever-growing pool. A wave of nauseating bile lurches its way into my throat, and as I fully regain consciousness, the swollen knot on the back of my head throbs with pain.
Now I remember where I am. And that knot was no accident.
It wasn't supposed to end like this.
Oh, not that my friends hadn't tried to steer me in another direction. "You're such a beautiful young Irish girl," they said. "You can do whatever you want. Don't give up hope. You'll find work. Who cares if the whole isle's on strike?"
But I had given up. Almost everyone in Dublin and Belfast had been out of a job for an entire month due to the strikes, and now the inner cities were being affected, Longford included. What's a girl to do when her husband can't make ends meet?
Really, I had no choice. I had to use my God-given gifts or risk starvation.
The first trick was easy. He was a well-known city councilman, and still had plenty of money stowed away in his hidden stash for him to burn. "Ah, me lady will never find out," he said. "Now let's see what you've got." Such a gentleman, too. He didn't force me to swallow like all of the rest.
A week and ten johns later, I had earned enough to keep our cupboards stocked for at least another three weeks. Austin never asked where I got the food - or the money to buy it - but ate it with his usual voracious appetite. I'd satisfy him after dinner every night as only a wife can, and then would steal out once he was fast asleep. Whether he knew it or not, he was still employed, in a way - he loosened me up before each of my appointments. I was grateful to him for that, even if I couldn't tell him about my newfound profession.
By the end of the month, I had earned over 5000 Euros. And counting.
As the nylon shackles around my hands became drenched with blood, and the door swung open to reveal my assailant, I knew where I had gone wrong.
Greed is a great misfortune. As addicting as the act of sex had become to me, the reward of that act had now taken full control of my soul. I stopped taking precautions that I had initially painstakingly created for myself, and I didn't care anymore who or what I had to do to get my fix.
When you don't know whom you're fucking with, it's incredibly easy to land in the fire.
Had I bothered to look at him before jumping in the car, I would have known that it was Austin's best friend. Yet I was immediately drawn to the bulge in his pants, and it had just been too tempting to resist. When I had finished, and looked up at him, I saw the look in his eyes and knew something was wrong. "Oh, my God..." Barry had said. "It's...you?!"
"Yes, it is," I cried. "But please don't tell Austin! Promise me that you won't tell him."
"I won't," he vowed.
But the bastard told someone. They always tell someone. That's how I became so popular with the other girls' clients. And nothing spreads faster than "guess whom I fucked" gossip, except perhaps a grease fire.
Two weeks later now, it was no surprise that Austin stood in front of me with a .57 caliber in his left hand and hatred in his eyes. After spitting in my face, he spoke, his voice filled with grief and malice. "So, was it worth it?" he growled. "All those bobs? Surely you knew I would find out eventually. Longford's not that big of a town."
Tears welling up into my eyes from pain, I answered, "Baby, you know we needed the money..."
"Shut up!" Austin flared and spun around, smacking me on my left cheek. "You could have given me a chance! I TOLD you I would find work! But no...my word wasn't good enough. You just had to go out and sell yourself. I hope you're happy with what you've done."
Pacing through the room now, he continued, "And I KNOW you've earned way more money than you've brought home in food. Now, where is it? Where is my money?" I didn't respond. "I said, where is my money?" Austin inquired again, pointing the handgun at my head.
"None of your business," I replied in a bitter whisper. "I've kept you fed and warm, and that's enough. What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. Get a job."
"WRONG ANSWER, BITCH!" Austin fumed and brought his fist down on my naked stomach, knocking the air out of my lungs. As I sputtered and choked for air, he spat on me again and said, "You selfish tramp. Making me kidnap and hogtie you in our own house. I knew it would come to this. Now, tell me where you've hidden the money or else." Austin drew closer with each word and was now hovering over my face, an evil grin spreading across his lips. His breath reeked of cheap whiskey, and his thick stubble indicated that he had not bathed for at least a week.
"Go to hell, ball-bag," I shot back at him and spat in his eye.
"That settles it, bitch!" he screamed and backhanded me against the temple, knocking my head into the table. "I'm going to fuck you like the whore that you are until I've earned back every dime that you've stolen from me." With one swift movement, he tore off my pants and climbed on top of my body, his penis engorged from the sadistic anger fueling his rock hard erection.
As Austin pressed the barrel of his pistol to my head and began to penetrate me against my will, I whispered, "You can have my body, but you'll never get me pot o' gold."
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-10 13:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
*cuts wrists*
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-10 09:44:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
RATE MEEEEEE
SOMEBODY PLEASE RATE MEEEEEE
I'M CLEVER AND FUNNY AND OH SO SMART
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-10 08:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, HV, looks like you're gonna win this battle unless someone comes along yet this morning and reads/rates. Nice work.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-09 12:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ace.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-08 23:02:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't feeling it. I don't know why, but... It just was... meh. Sorry, dude, but I'm incoherent *and* unimpressed.
------------------------------------
Fair enough.
I really struggled with what to do with this title. I had six ideas:
1) What I submitted
2) Irish parody of Judas Iscariot selling Jesus O'Grady to the Jews for a pot o' gold (instead of 30 pieces of silver)
3) Origin of the Fighting Irish
4) Story about Goldmember (from Austin Powers 3)
5) Story about King Midas (adapted on the nursery tale figure; everything he touched turned to gold)
6) I forget what the sixth idea was now, but it was lame
Eliminated #2 because it would have probably brought an onslaught of -2s. Eliminated #3 because I don't know jack shit about sports and thus can't write a good football story. Eliminated #4 and #5 because they weren't original enough. And I don't remember why I decided against #6, but what I went with seemed like the best idea at the time.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-08 23:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't feeling it. I don't know why, but... It just was... meh. Sorry, dude, but I'm incoherent *and* unimpressed.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-08 16:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to look at that one twice before I decided that yes, in fact, it did say pussy pond.
Then I laughed hard enough to make people wonder about me MORE than they already do.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:06:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
*looks down, kicks motorboat noisemaker in da head*
Hey!
I meant awfully good.
Sheesh!
motorboat noise ceases my ass!
I laughed at the filename the way you laugh at a fart joke.
So there!
==============================================================
*motorboat starts up and leaves a large wake in the pussy pond*
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
y'know, if you cut that goose open, you're not gonna find a whole bunch of golden eggs in there...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:06:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*looks down, kicks motorboat noisemaker in da head*
Hey!
I meant awfully good.
Sheesh!
motorboat noise ceases my ass!
I laughed at the filename the way you laugh at a fart joke.
So there!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:51:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're awful.
--------------------
Awful?
You mean awfully good?
I thought you liked me!
*motorboat sound ceases*
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're awful.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:16:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:59:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
High Voltage = Genius.
----
Even on your post they declare my genius.
Bow bitch. BOW BEFORE ME!
===================================
What, cocksucking isn't enough now these days?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:59:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
High Voltage = Genius.
----
Even on your post they declare my genius.
Bow bitch. BOW BEFORE ME!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:30:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Two possiblities for what the email to scourge looks like:
1)
Dear scourge,
I heart you! u are soooo kewl and I cant beleve u are an old man lollers!!! u are intel...intelli....intelleegent and i want to b ur gurlfriend! teehee...
Love,
Stagger_Lee.
-----------------
2)
Scourge,
I find your submitted posts to be both entertaining and at the same time, thought provoking. You are the wind beneath my wings in a world without imagination or purpose. Some day I hope you understand that God looks to you for judgement, that it was not Adam made from His own image but you. You are the beginning and the end of all things. You are perfection.
I'm sorry I just cried a little because your magnificance causes me such joy. It is my honor and privilege to know you and to offer the humble opinion of one lowly mortal such as I.
You are love.
In humble reverence,
Stagger_Lee
----------------------
Dear HighVoltage900
Goddammit, I was pwned and I can't think of a retort right now. If anything witty comes to mind, I'll let you know.
Bastard.
Stagger_Lee
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:59:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
High Voltage = Genius.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:43:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:39:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Filename is fantastic.
Horrible but fantastic.
I have to say, I thought people were kind of harsh on her.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:55:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Attention Uber users! There is a contest in this post....
KIDDING!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:39:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Filename is fantastic.
Horrible but fantastic.
I have to say, I thought people were kind of harsh on her.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Filename is fantastic.
Horrible but fantastic.
I have to say, I thought people were kind of harsh on her.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sheesh, I can't believe none of you jokers have checked the filename yet.
That's where the punchline of the story is...not in the text...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:30:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My rating will stand as this and the next will bring it to an appropriate level. I don't know why I can't go straight +2 here but this didn't work as well for me as HVs
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Two possiblities for what the email to scourge looks like:
1)
Dear scourge,
I heart you! u are soooo kewl and I cant beleve u are an old man lollers!!! u are intel...intelli....intelleegent and i want to b ur gurlfriend! teehee...
Love,
Stagger_Lee.
-----------------
2)
Scourge,
I find your submitted posts to be both entertaining and at the same time, thought provoking. You are the wind beneath my wings in a world without imagination or purpose. Some day I hope you understand that God looks to you for judgement, that it was not Adam made from His own image but you. You are the beginning and the end of all things. You are perfection.
I'm sorry I just cried a little because your magnificance causes me such joy. It is my honor and privilege to know you and to offer the humble opinion of one lowly mortal such as I.
You are love.
In humble reverence,
Stagger_Lee
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMNIT. I meant to +1.5 this and fucked up. I will give you additional 2s to bring it up.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked it well enough.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending line (the title of the story) didn't really lend itself to the mood/tone of the story. That being said, I still jizzed all over the place...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Check your email, then, scourge.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-03-08 11:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ugh. tough title. meh story.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:58:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:50:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:41:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gyah! This title was hard, and both you and Voltage came up with the goods. I like this one slightly better, though.
*If Voltage had any idea who I was, he'd hurt me*.
Just as well.
----
Oh great. I have to do ANOTHER alter hunt?
====
ANOTHER alter hunt? Shit sonny, I told you who drivebyasshole was. All you had to do was ask me and I could have figured it out in seconds. Which I did.
StaggerLee pretends to be O-town. Or IS O. Either way...
They like to snicker about it and think they're very clever.
Stagger, you like Waits and Cohen? What era Waits are you into? Rather than conversing on Thorns post and potentially fucking his rating inadvertently, drop me a line if you want. Thanks O, I mean...Stag...I mean...oh never mind.
scourgeoftheseas.at.hotmail.com
Thorns, this was really good. Sometimes you shine my good sir.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I REALLY love your idea!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nuts. No, I didn't mean it that way, though that's going to fuel the suspicion. I meant I'm a noob, and you've not heard of me.
Come to think of it, though, you helped out with my retal problem yesterday. Thanks.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:41:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gyah! This title was hard, and both you and Voltage came up with the goods. I like this one slightly better, though.
*If Voltage had any idea who I was, he'd hurt me*.
Just as well.
----
Oh great. I have to do ANOTHER alter hunt?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gyah! This title was hard, and both you and Voltage came up with the goods. I like this one slightly better, though.
*If Voltage had any idea who I was, he'd hurt me*.
Just as well.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Contest round 3 link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84814
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-03-08 10:38:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
CRAP