The Effects of Punching Various Persons and/or Animals in the Facial Vicinity - 2 (980 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2006-03-08 12:07:50 EST
Read part one and clip your fingernails. The sounds of overly loud keystrokes are giving me a headache.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84957
3. Rooster:
I had a hell of a time finding a farmer that would let me punch one of his chickens and the same scenario was played out several times before I gave up.
Me: "Excuse me, Mr. Inbred Farmer Guy, I'd like to punch one of your roosters for science."
Farmer: "What?! Are you on the drugs?"
Me: "Yes, but that's beside the point."
Farmer: "Get out of here, before I shoot you. And DON'T have sex with my daughter on the way out! We got enough retards in this here family."
Trespassing cannot hinder science and the color black was invented by some guy that likes tacos without sour cream - me. The patent office still doesn't acknowledge it.
I felt like a wildebeest in the henhouse looking for cock. I realize that roosters are referred as cocks because they never fucking stand still when you're trying to punch them in the beak. I found an old Rhode Island Red and asked him what it was like to be from the biggest little state in the union.
It was at that moment that the farmer's words took hold and I realized that I was talking to a chicken. No more games. I'm a scientist and not a scientologist. Choosing the poison, I reached into my pocket to procure a right handed roll of quarters.
How can you tell if you're holding a right handed roll of quarters? You can do the little hand test, with thumb and index finger, thus making an "L." Or you can get out your Spongebob notepad and see which hand you're most comfortable writing with. It doesn't matter to me. I'm going to punch this cock!
Holding the rooster upside down by the feet, I spun around in circles several times because getting dizzy makes my tummy tickle.
I punched the cock in the face and it went limp. The bird looked old so it was probably it's time to depart.
The problem with trespassing on a farm at 2:30 in the morning, meandering about a strange chicken coop and murdering a prize rooster is that people shoot guns at you. Needless to say, I hate getting shot and it hurts, so I got the fuck out of there.
Roosters are pretty much pussies. It's no wonder that hawks, foxes, etc. prey upon chickens; chickens have horrible pimps. Chickens need to get a ghetto nigga or two, with cool pimp hats to protect them. The pimp's reward for doing such? Chickens have feathers dammit! That makes a ready supply of feathers for pimp hats.
4. Hamster:
After the fiasco at the farm, I questioned the validity of my study. Then, those questions subsided. Next, they came back. Then, I got hungry.
After dining at the mall food court, I ventured to the pet store to purchase a hamster.
Me: "I would like to purchase a hamster, please."
Pet-shop hottie: "What kind of hamster? Their prices range from $9 - $28."
Me: "$9 to $28?!! I remember when the goddamn things cost $3! Give me the cheapest one. How about that sick looking one over in the corner with the big nuts?"
PSH: "Wait a minute. You're not buying a hamster so that you can punch it in the face, are you? You are! I will NOT sell you one of our cute furry creatures so that you can abuse it!! Please leave before I have mall security come and shine their flashlights on you. The last guy came in here to do the same thing..."
Me: "What?! Someone else was in here to purchase a hamster with intent to punch it in the face?! It's very important that you tell me what this person looks like."
PSH: "Get lost."
So I left with knowledge that someone has stolen my idea, my research. Something is rotten in France and I think that it's cheese.
**Author's Note: I plan on coming to your house tonight and rooting through your garbage. Please leave out some interesting things because I get bored easily.
...To Be Continued
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-23 13:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i swear to holy fuck, part 3 had better be coming soon or i'm going to start uppercutting some groundhogs
make part 3 10 times as long as parts 1 or 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think I enjoyed this.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-09 05:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-09 04:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
mildly amusing.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-03-09 04:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
couldn't stop laughing...
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-08 22:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Try punching a peacock. They will absolutely ruin your shit.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-03-08 21:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2live
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more alpacas.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really...is animal cruelty ever NOT hilarious?
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for ruining my streak there, Zoidberg. It's a good thing that you're a lobster monster, cause I'd have a half a mind to eat a turkey sandwich.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more reviews.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not as good as the first, but entertaining nonetheless.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-03-08 15:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
eh
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-03-08 14:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The effects of punching my boss in the throat. More at 7, Tom.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is ridiculous.
Please continue.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-08 13:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just please don't punch the emus. They'll take your hand off.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit I love you.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be punched in the face.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I took a dump in our trashcan JUST FOR YOU!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PSH: "Wait a minute. You're not buying a hamster so that you can punch it in the face, are you? You are! I will NOT sell you one of our cute furry creatures so that you can abuse it!! Please leave before I have mall security come and shine their flashlights on you. The last guy came in here to do the same thing..."
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Be careful, those Maglites hurt when they hit you with it. Looking forward to the next installment!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 12:11:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoy this series.
"Read part one and clip your fingernails. The sounds of overly loud keystrokes are giving me a headache."
This cracked me up.
I'll leave you some rotten potatoes in the trash.