Best of ALL is Butterball - a dependence (1085 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.96 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Yellow Dart (View user info) at 2006-03-08 16:46:54 EST
You find yourself in a dollar store with only seventy-five cents in your pockets; seventy-five cents and a picture of a Butterball turkey that you clipped out of a Better Homes magazine a few years back. You thought if it could perfect the already elaborate home in the background then it could surely perfect your measly life too; or at least your trousers. Didn't seem to work though, did it?
Well, you don't really know that. For all you know without it you could have zero cents in the pockets of the trousers that you also may have been without at this moment if it were not for this picture. Yes, possibility suggests that there's an equal chance that this picture has saved your life many times and allowed you to keep the pantaloons; equal to it being at fault for you being a quarter short.
You're in an isle looking down at a notebook-pen combination that you could use to write down the clearly brilliant thoughts that always swim around in your noggin before getting tired and drowning away, never to be procured again until perhaps a German man named Franken von Hosten comes up with them some 200 years later. You survey the store and see an old woman taking her time strolling up and down the isles. Surely she would give a quarter for a picture of a well cooked (although probably decomposed by now) turkey.
"Fuck off or I'll call the police."
I guess not. Wait until she rounds out of sight of the clerk and knock her out, you briefly consider. Nah, an old hag like that has nothing better to do with her life than pursuit some stranger that knocked her out. Anything that could compromise her enjoyment of Jeopardy is worth dying for.
It's getting late and you know you've been in the store guarding the pen and paper for a suspiciously long period of time now. It's time for drastic measures. Of course these are not drastic times: you're not starving or anything; in fact, morally, you're not justified to steal. You pick up the desirables and head to the counter.
You casually plop the item on the counter and stack the three quarters beside it; maybe the young, bored-out-of-her-mind woman won't notice the lacking coin. She does. You fiddle in your pockets, "surprised" that you don't have any more money on you. No money, no sale, she informs you. It's bargaining time. You ask if she'll open up a tab under your name and you'll pay back the quarter; she smirks and half-laughs.
She thinks you're joking. This is ridiculous, why can't she just be nice and let you off for a quarter? Anger isn't appropriate here though, for you wouldn't be able to loan anyone a quarter either. Heck, you're probably not even good for paying back this tab you're now pestering her about. Frustration is mounting on both sides of the counter, so you bust out your lucky charm.
Now is the time to really put it to the test. Its worth comes down to this moment; yes, you're going to miss it, but damn it you need to write. If she was mildly amused before, now she's laughing in your face. "You have GOT to be kidding me!" she cackles. "What the hell am I going to do with a crumpled up advertisement for a turkey?!" The thought alone makes her laugh some more.
So you begin to cry. She's still laughing, but slowly stops once she realizes that you are authentically crying in front of her over a quarter. You try to hide it, but everything is whelming up in you. It's not just a quarter to you; it's the ability to get the equations and mind-farts out and into something tangible. Something that could help turn your life around if it fell into the right hands. Something that your life is missing.
You start babbling this to her between sobs and she tries to understand what you're actually saying. "Look", she says, "just give me the stupid picture and you can take the dumb paper". You thank her, a little put off that she called it dumb, but grateful all the same. As you're exiting the store you look back and see her crumple the charm and throw it in a small garbage basket. It served you well tonight. It should not get left behind.
Going back in after it may be pushing your luck, so you decide to wait behind the store by the industrial dumpster. The store would close in a few hours and you decide to use the time to write. It flows out of the pen effortlessly and before you know it you've filled up a few pages with logical reasoning concerning the state of the economy. It should be less stringent, you decide in many words.
You find yourself sifting through a dumpster head first, feet in the air, looking for a keepsake. Without the turkey you'd obviously be nowhere. Who knows what would become of you if you don't manage to find it, so you dig deeper.
A strong wind sweeps by; ripping some important pages out of your notebook and carries them out of sight. This would be rather upsetting if you witnessed it. Your head was busy looking for your turkey though. How lucky, indeed.
User Reviews
Submitted by subtastic (user info) at 2006-04-10 23:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
real good. if i ever write something againg i'll steal something like this.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-10 22:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, the humanity.
I loved this.
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea how you came up with this or what it is supposed to mean...
But damn is it fresh and original.
FRESH +2
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A strong wind sweeps by; ripping some important pages out of your notebook and carries them out of sight."
Damn if this didn't remind me of the last scene of "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre."
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-03-10 22:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone recommended this to me, and I have to say, it was awesome.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-09 06:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kinda want turkey now.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-08 23:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. It kind of made me sad, though.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-08 23:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was so absurdly touching that it melted part of my face. Thanks a lot, jerk.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-08 21:23:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this. I would have just pocketed it, but I'm a kleptomaniac. I know, I know.
I really like this piece, it touched me somehow.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pantaloons.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
apollo sucks cock
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:46:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Turkaconis freak.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was pretty good.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:22:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i fucked up your rating.
forgive me.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's the german version of ETS.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:03:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
isn't it you who speaks german?
can you explain what this adold hilter jr is screaming about?
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2908716788730867095
Dear Jesus, what the fuck was that all aboot?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha
He's playing online chess, Caul.
It's such a boring game, he didn't even throw his glasses off or try to gouge out his eyes.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-03-08 17:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
isn't it you who speaks german?
can you explain what this adold hilter jr is screaming about?
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2908716788730867095
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-08 16:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fairly wonderful
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-08 16:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Deranged and highly enjoyable
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-03-08 16:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, this is the funniest shit I've read evar EVAR evar.