Allergic to Cock (2007 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2006-03-08 18:21:07 EST
If there's one thing that characterises my medical history to date, it's heroism. And by heroism I mean stupidity.
I've got a lot of respect for doctors, nurses and the like - they work hard for their money and make more of a positive impact on the world than soulless key-pressers like me ever will. Consequently, I worry about wasting their time. If part of me breaks, stops doing what it should or starts trying to kill people while I sleep, I soldier on without seeking their aid in the hopes whatever demonic infestation I've picked up sort itself out naturally.
It's been this way since a still unexplained incident during a routine scratch whilst playing tennis at school. Upon feeling an alien presence under my nails, I pulled aside my collar and bra strap to confront something with the size and consistency of a monkeynut half sticking out of my shoulder. Repulsed, I gave it a tentative poke and it fell out, leaving a disturbingly deep, smooth-sided hole.
I'd been too busy spraying graffiti on the bikesheds to attend the "What to do when something fucking disgusting falls out of you and crawls away under its own steam" class, so I picked up my little pus baby and took it to the school receptionist, with the immortal words "This just fell out of my shoulder"
In fairness to her, having a small child thrust a manky little rock of eurgh under your nose can't be the highlight of your working day, but I think putting the waste paper bin on your desk and then shouting "Throw it away and get out" with your back pressed to the furthest possible wall is a little on the insensitive side. By the time I got home, I'd convinced myself I had leprosy and managed to work my mother up into a similar paranoia. She frogmarched me to the doctor and nervously wrung her hands as I related the days events to my GP. I bared my shoulder for him and looked away, unready to deal with the prognosis of imminent death that I was sure to face.
He put a Winnie the Pooh plaster on it and pointed to the door.
The memory of that Pooh-related embarrassment has had long-term effects. When my ears sealed themselves shut, rendering me completely deaf, I signed off work for two weeks and sat around sulkily watching Columbo reruns.
I did eventually go to the doctor but only after receiving several horrified looks during a stroll to the local shop. I returned home and headed straight for the mirror, innocently expecting a humorous makeup smudge only to be greeted by something out of Romero movie. Blood was pouring out of both my ears and soaking into the top third of my white t-shirt. I was impressed, then horrified, and I'm pretty sure I would have moved back to being impressed again if I hadn't been too busy shouting "JESUS! FUCK! THEY'VE LIQUIFIED MY BRAIN!" and flapping my arms about like a demented pigeon.
Similarly, when I started feeling groggy and weak during a routine trip back from university to my parent's house, I figured I was just allergic to being back in the midst of the band of co-dependant sociopaths that make up my family. When groggy and weak mutated into a brain-peeling headache, I figured they were just crazier than I remembered. By the time I woke up at the bottom of the stairs, covered in my own puke and unable to stand, I was too busy praying for death to doubt my own diagnosis. My brother came home to find the entire household unconscious with a near-fatal case of carbon monoxide poisoning.
He denies searching our pockets for loose change before calling the ambulance, but I know the truth. I was saving that ten pence for a Wham bar.
Today, after six months of having a swollen and inflamed eyelid that at one point left me blind in one eye, I went to the hospital. Stupid to risk your sight just because you don't want to waste someone's time, right? I'm not imagining it - there is definitely something amiss, right?
When you're convinced you've got AIDS Of The Eyeball and need urgent medical attention lest your face explodes in a shower of malevolent imps, the last thing you want to hear an ophthalmologist say is "uh...so exactly which eye is it?" as he inspects the inside of your head with a penlight.
"But seriously, it was really disgusting at one point"
"I'm sorry Katherine, there's nothing there"
"So there's nothing you can do?"
And then the killer blow, delivered with a smirk...
"Well, I could give you a plaster for it..."
Motherfucker. It was the Tweenies this time.
User Reviews
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-03-25 12:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good... but what the fuck is wrong with you? Wierd growths, swollen face, poisonings??
If you're still in England, it's time to come back to America. Shit only grows on you out here if you BEG it first.
I don't really know what that means.
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2006-03-25 12:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The same thing happened to my eye a few months ago. It was swollen shut, but by the time I finally dragged myself to a doctor, it was completely fine and he looked at me like I was a hypochondriac. Bah.
In other news, it's snowing. Happy spring.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-12 06:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you seem angry these days.
i didn't read this post at all, but i did read your reviews on caul's post. i think you're a hot, sexy babe and i will stop at nothing to +2 you into oblivion just to find favor in your heart so that in the off chance that one day we meet under a starry sky we can be as one because i +2ed you like the vietcong eat rice.
so here's a +2 so that you'll know that i've noticed and i don't give a fuck. slut.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-11 15:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Going to the doctors is for losers anyway- I've been to out doctors it's full of chavs and ill people.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-09 14:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Behold, nature's bounty: http://www.sweetiebag.com/product_images/details/Wham.jpg
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2006-03-09 11:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I could tell you some stories about my colon! I woke up from the anesthesia and felt like a robot was kicking inside of my womb, and I could see the mechanical pinchers mining inside of my intestine on the doctors' plasma moniter! I wrestled to break free but was suddenly gassed back into unconsciousness.
The diagnosis was, "Eat more fiber."
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-09 10:39:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the shadows, masturbating furiously.
=========================================================
Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn.
I knew I should have brought night vision goggles. Were you at least thinking of me? If not, please lie and say you were.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Youre five months older than me, Haggardy McHaggard
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:26:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would do something about the bleeding ears before your brain leaks out.
You will wake up one morning with your brain laying on your pillow next to you.... when you look down you will have grown a penis and all you will do is want to play with it.
SAVE YOUR BRAIN WOMAN!!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry me?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-09 07:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps 'grandma' got the d that you left out of 'An'. They average out, right?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-09 04:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wham bar auto +2.
-Dave
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-09 03:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh..is it supposed to have a 'd' in it?
Either way, you're decrepit. And wizened.
An generally crone-like.
Gnomey.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-09 03:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-09 02:01:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
also, you're nine months younger than me and for that, I hate you.
===
Sit down before you fall down, grandma.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-09 03:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-08 23:30:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
My GOD! Is everybody on this website a foreigner!?!
======================================================
What a racist thing to say.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-09 02:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA YOU WERE BORN TWO DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS
YOU WERE THE WORST PRESENT YOUR MOTHER EVER GOT
ALSO YOU WERE LATE
also, you're nine months younger than me and for that, I hate you.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 00:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-08 23:30:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
My GOD! Is everybody on this website a foreigner!?!
-------------
I'm not a foreigner. You are.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-09 00:08:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I'm not in blinding agony, I tend to just shrug it off and continue with my life. Even if I am in blinding agony, I'll usually wait a while before doing anything about it. I've got this cyst/lump/thing on my wrist, and the other day I discovered that if I touched it in a certain spot, it hurt so much that I actually vomited. Which was a pretty awesome reaction, really. But I'll maybe go to the doctor's... Someday. And I even have insurance, so there really isn't an excuse for my not going.
I've named the lump Fred.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-08 23:30:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My GOD! Is everybody on this website a foreigner!?!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-03-08 21:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should use that brain and go get a real job.
For fucks sake.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-03-08 21:16:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:46:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
*Escort
I'm too canadian for my own good sometimes.
*****************************
Ha ha ha!
This was a very welcome read in an otherwise morose day.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:46:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
*Escort
I'm too canadian for my own good sometimes.
_______________________________________
Thanks for the heads up, Yellow Guy.
I need to eat and go nighty night...
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Escort
I'm too canadian for my own good sometimes.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:28:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess I'm too much of a n00b. I missed the 'pigpen in Indiana' reference. . .
???????????
___
He was referring to ETS, her male escourt
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess I'm too much of a n00b. I missed the 'pigpen in Indiana' reference. . .
???????????
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:15:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck. Here. This is easier. You, madam, are HARDLY allergic to the sausage.
=============
"It's simple - lube up and go very very slowly until all the muscles have relaxed. Patience at the beginning pays dividends at the end because once you're in you can go nuts. If you do it properly it feels really quite nice - not orgasmic but kinda like "aaaaaah, bisto." If you do it wrong it's excrutiating.
And don't do it whilst exceptionally drunk - it won't hurt at the time but the next day, on the 2 hour train journey back from cardiff, you will be in fucking agony."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I won't adjust.
I can't in clear conscience, give a + rating to anyone - even a broad - who finds Pigpen in Indiana interesting in any way.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Allergic to cock? You sure you ain't my ex-wife?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not allergic to peener. You'd have realized it long ago, on that train ride....
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84672
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-08 20:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok i'll have to adjust your rating for that comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:44:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
can you hook me up with a body shot because all i've got so far is a head and shoulder
===
That's all there is dude - we drag him around in a little red wagon when he needs to go somewhere.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
perpetually? I do believe this is the first time i've brought him up outside of his posts
but yes, I do have the camwhore
can you hook me up with a body shot because all i've got so far is a head and shoulder
flap
flap
flap
flap
flap
flap
disappointment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:42:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn you're young. You think it's bad now, wait til you're 35.
And, if you weren't so filthy you wouldn't have so many disgusting diseases, young lady...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:19:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
are you sure your fragile man can handle this devastating news?
===
The only thing I'm sure of is that when you perpetually tease someone and insist on bringing their name up in conversation, you have a pretty hardcore crush on them.
His camwhore is currently stuck to your bedroom wall, isn't it?
Submitted by Vomitoxin_AKA_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are you allergic to DOUBLE COCK??
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85033
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-08 19:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
are you sure your fragile man can handle this devastating news?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:38:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
You've got goiters.
===
"Goiter is the term used to describe enlarging or swelling of the thyroid, a tiny gland found near the Adam's apple. The swollen area may be sore and tender or may not be painful at all. In some cases, the goiter can cause pressure on the esophagus, which can result in a tight feeling around the throat, causing shortness of breath or a choking sensation."
Holy shit, you're right. The blindness was just a devious plan hatched by my thyroid to distract me.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the style of this Filthy character.
You do seem to have quite a few rather alarming medical conditions crop up though if the tale is to be believed. Bleeding ears, puffy eyeballs, all worth concern. Maybe something in the air in the UK...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:44:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:29:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
I was at the nunnery last night. Where were you?
===
In the shadows, masturbating furiously.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You've got goiters.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WE'RE NUMBER 1:
Everything you ever wanted to know about Shlongy
User id: 10879
Registered on or around: 2004-08-02 17:37:55
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Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I too avoid hospitals at all costs. It's like getting a haircut: you never know what you'll come out with the second you enter. AIDS? Just a cough? It's too risky. This is also why I cut my own hair; at least this way I can expect the worst possible cut and not be disappointed.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:29:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
I was at the nunnery last night. Where were you?
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NO, Yo Momma!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-08 18:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wham bar.
BLAST from the motherfucking PAST!