The Shamrock Open - Stroke Me Clover (1004 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: competitions
Rating: 1.77 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-03-09 00:45:24 EST
If a fairy's got you down or pixies bring you over,
Call my toll free number: 1 800 STROKE ME CLOVER,
Ask for Shinglemeat the Lep, they know me there by name,
I'll be out the door at once and you'll be glad I came.
You see, I am the man you call when you're harrassed by sprites
By grogochs and by pookas and by creatures of the night
These nuisances are often small, but some of them are greater
And that's exactly when you call an imp exterminator.
I've served my lovely Ireland since I was ninety-three
Twenty years committed to the orange, the white, the green,
I have learned things Man was not put on this earth to know,
But, of course, I'm not exactly human, don'tcha know.
Leps are solitary sorts, but I grew tired of cobbling
I am not a shoeman, no, I am no workman goblin,
One day counting all me gold I spied a mortal pair
Running from their house, their voices screaming with despair.
Call it lack of company, or hate for shoes and treasure,
Either way I ran to them to see what I could measure
Of their grief and make of what I could from their great fear
Shocked was I as terrified they shrieked as I drew near.
"Ha cha cha, don't fear" I said, "I'm just a leprechaun"
Both of them just stared at me and fainted on the lawn,
From inside I heard a crash, a hoot and then applause
So I headed through the door to find the mayhem's cause.
Mind you I was just a lad, a young lep still, for sure,
I knew not what to expect behind the kitchen door,
Before my eyes I spied a host of cluricauns and fairies
Shattering the plates and stealing forks and eating berries.
Let's be clear - no love's been lost 'tween cluricauns and leps,
Centuries, the struggle, long, on both sides of the fence,
Though we look the same and find ourselves sim'larly sized
A lep would never hesitate to damn a cluri's eyes.
At first they thought me one of them, and that's what saved my life,
Casually I walked the floor and found a butter knife
I swear they had been drinking for their reflexes were slow
So with a hack I lopped one's head off, deftly dealt, the blow.
In hands small as mine a tool like that becomes a sword
Six more slices, six more body parts upon the floor,
Some I cut across the knees and some I just beheaded
Ducking as the fairies swooped upon me from the heavens.
Emerald blood was everywhere, and helped me track their steps
For they could turn invisible, just like we tricky leps
Pit-pat went the sounds of little feet as they escaped
Up the stairs, I followed but was snatched up by the waist.
In the air a fairy took me, death in both her eyes
So I grabbed her by the wings and pulled with all my might
Ripped them both from off her back and crashed down hard with pain
While she landed into the sink and slipped right down the drain.
Two more fairies came at me, no doubt to 'venge their sister
Me? I helped them find her 'gain, for clearly they both missed her,
Rooting through the drawers I found an empty Ziplock bag
Trapped them both inside it, sealed it up and watched them gag.
Leaping from the counter I pursued the last two cluries
To the second floor the footprints went, which made me worry
They had me outnumbered and could be most anywhere
Still, I grabbed two olive forks and climbed right up the stairs.
Quietly I crept into the bathroom, tense and tight
But no sign of villains did I find near bowl or pipes,
In the bedroom I found nothing, so I turned to leave
That's when, from behind me, something slammed into my knee.
Staggered so, the pain and shock made me drop both my blades
As both cluris grabbed me small hands scratched and tore my face,
One kicked my poor groin, the other threw me on the bed
Fast upon my heels they flew and beat me 'bout the head.
One opened the nightstand and the other threw me in
Dazed and beaten, groggy, my old lips still forced a grin
There beside me lay a weapon mighty, pink and long
So with all my might I picked it up and turned it on.
Giant in my hands it hummed and pulsed as if to bore
Both the cluris pissed themselves as I climbed out the drawer
One I smacked about the chest and made him lose his breath,
One I pinned against the wall and vibrated to death.
O'er the wheezing body of the final cluri I
Said while spitting out a tooth "I bid you now goodbye"
Off to Sidhe sent him, stuck the tip inside his mouth
Broke his teeth and jawbone as I forced the inches south.
Down the stairs I staggered and I brought the couple drinks
Told them my whole story, said "I'm not quite what you think"
Since that day I've battled evil and obnoxious beasts
But I do it not for pay, I need cash in the least.
When the couple asked me how to thank me for my time
I chuckled, said I noticed that the wife was mighty fine,
I dropped my pants, explained a handjob sure would hit the spot,
Sat and reaped the pleasure that my violence had bought.
Since then I have kept the country safe as safe can be
If you're cursed by Far Darrig, why brother just call me,
Think your wife's a Merrow? Just pick up your touch-tone phone,
Give me but an hour or two and I'll clean out your home.
Just one thing, recall the number, for it states my fee
If I kill an imp for you you'll stroke my dick for me,
Heaven help you, single men, you'll still pay for the job:
Man or woman, I don't care, it's still hands on my knob.
Truth be told I'd likely kill off fairy folk for free,
I've grown to enjoy it, but that's just 'tween you and me,
So, remember, if you're imp infested or brought over
Ask for Shinglemeat the Lep: 800 STROKE ME CLOVER.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-10 17:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 23:37:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a guy.
You fag.
---
...
I could get that changed?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what I was wondering myself.
No blowjobs here. I'm off.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where is Angelina?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just received details on my Ireland accomodations. A walk away from Giant's Causeway on the Antrim Coast. I'm so excited, I could cry tears of joy. This seemed like a good place to share.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 23:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a guy.
You fag.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-09 23:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 22:17:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-09 21:59:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh, I can't decide who I want to win.. Orgasmatron and his witty rhymes or Circe, who is the first Aussie on my list of Aussie's I'ld like to stick my peener into...
------------
I thought that was me, Doodles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sorry Stagger, but christ man have you seen her boobs? I have they are up there with TL's fake foot. But you're always welcome to be my Aussie booty call in the event that Circe turns me down for the Dutchman.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 22:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-09 21:59:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh, I can't decide who I want to win.. Orgasmatron and his witty rhymes or Circe, who is the first Aussie on my list of Aussie's I'ld like to stick my peener into...
------------
I thought that was me, Doodles.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-09 21:59:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh, I can't decide who I want to win.. Orgasmatron and his witty rhymes or Circe, who is the first Aussie on my list of Aussie's I'ld like to stick my peener into...
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-03-09 21:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I read this earlier today but didn't rate it. Read it again, and still feel the same. Several of the stanzas seem awkward and a lot of the rhyming is forced. This doesn't flow in the typical Orgasmatron fashion.
Otherwise, Made me smile -- especially the addition of dildo as weapon.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-09 19:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shinglemeat, I smell your feet,
I hear you drive a wrecker
although I'm your Herald
your life is imperiled
from clover all over your pecker.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-09 17:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well that was satisfying. Now for dessert. I need to take a dump.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 17:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-09 17:12:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
scourge, I'm RIGHT HERE.
But the end of that review made me laugh my ass off.
----
I was just being smarmy.
No origami voicemail make scourge weepy weepy. scourge sad boy. scourge go bang head against wall.
scourge lost scourge mind today. scourge crazy now, go live in forest.
SCOURGE MAD
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-09 17:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-09 17:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
scourge, I'm RIGHT HERE.
But the end of that review made me laugh my ass off.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-09 17:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There you go. Not quite a 1.5, but something. And scourge, I like the way you think.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-09 17:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I know I should just rate how I think something deserves to be rated, but this is a contest that's based on ratings, and it *is* a good poem, just not the best, and... Basically, I'm a female, and we worry about stupid shit like 'Feelings' and all that crap. AND I'm sheeple at heart, so going against the herd is always painful.
Ok, that last bit was a lie.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 16:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-09 12:35:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Public Service Announcement:
All mail I send to Yahoo e-mail addresses is being returned for some reason.
---
Or hotmail
---
LP- quit with the fucking apologizing already. God damn. You may as well have left a 2.
O- I liked this, but also felt that some of the stanzas left a little to be desired. Some of them just didn't flow quite as smoothly as I would have liked. Nevertheless, the content of the piece, the idea behind it was great. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'd give it a 1.78967, but I don't know how that works out or if it even can be rounded out like that, so have a 2.
Seems you already won the round anyway. I'm not sorry at all. Punk.
--
I'm in a shit mood and looking for a fight.
--
LadyPlural, you make my heart go pitter patter, I'm ever so sorry to have snapped at you.
If you were in front of me I'd offer you a handful of daisies plucked from the neighbors garden and beg for your forgiveness. Then you'd pat my head and tell me it was alright. Then when I turned around, feeling relieved that I hadn't permanently alienated you, you'd give me the finger.
But I wouldn't know and would carry on, blissfully unaware. Soon the truth would come out though, because you would never quite act the same to me again. All the warmth in your voice when you greeted me before? Gone. You wouldn't smile much and would make sullen monosyllabic replies to my inquiries of you.
I'd be wounded and say something smart ass and then you'd blow up at me. Then I'd blow up at you.
We'd fight about it for days and finally not speak to one another for a few days. Then, we'd approach each other and apologize. We'd share an embrace, purely platonic in nature of course, as I'm a married man, and then ask one another if all was forgiven.
You would smile at me and answer, "But of course! And you...?"
And I would say, "Yes, yes, you know I do."
Then you'd turn around and I'd give you the finger.
But I was just kidding when I did it, so there's no call for getting all upset about it.
YOU were the one who meant it when you did it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-09 16:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't ever apologize for raiting fairly, LP.
If it didn't suit you it didn't suit you. It means more that you took the time to write your thoughts out than it would have if you'd just +2d this for no good reason.
I'll be the first one to say that this is awkward and shaky in spots. I'd blame the time crunch, but it's my own fault for waiting as long as I did, so ultimately it comes down to me.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-09 16:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm so so so sorry, and if it were anyone other than you I'd just let it slide, but it is you, and so as the Poet King of Ubersite, I expect better from you. There were several awkwardly flowing verses (notably, this one:
I've served my lovely Ireland since I was ninety-three
Twenty years committed to the orange, the white, the green,
I have learned things Man was not put on this earth to know,
But, of course, I'm not exactly human, don'tcha know.
), and several of your asonances and consonanses (however the fuck you spell them. You know what I'm talking about) were kind of... Not so much matching.
Uhm, I wish I could explain myself better, and I'm terribly sorry about breaking your streak, but it just wasn't as good of a poem as you generally are capable of producing.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-09 13:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 13:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-09 12:35:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Public Service Announcement:
All mail I send to Yahoo e-mail addresses is being returned for some reason.
That is all.
Read and rate this poem, kitty cats.
-----------------------
Speaking of email, Lish, drop your favourite new alter(?) a line sometime, if you like:
siamese_dream.at.optusnet.com.au (har har semi-gay email).
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-09 12:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Public Service Announcement:
All mail I send to Yahoo e-mail addresses is being returned for some reason.
That is all.
Read and rate this poem, kitty cats.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-03-09 10:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could get hand jobs for my services.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eleventh hour, schmeleventh hour. I think you did a great thing with this here title.
From the first stanza, it was clearly going to be silly and funny. But it was also well written and I love all the little Irish folklore references. I don't think you overdid it with the chances you took on rhyme and meter.
Despite my inconsolable disappointment about the glaring omission of a green-stockings-laden O camwhore, I still endorse this post.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny, funny stuff
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Terrific. But this:
"I've served my lovely Ireland since I was ninety-three
Twenty years committed to the orange, the white, the green,
I have learned things Man was not put on this earth to know,
But, of course, I'm not exactly human, don'tcha know. "
Was an awkward and questionable stanza.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:36:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shinglemeat's a nod to a joke that my friends and I have thrown around for years, taken from:
"Shinglemeat! Who is that badass maniac??"
It's complicated, but it has absolutely nothing to do with leprechauns.
I wish I could say that I was strapped for a name and pulled it out of my ass, but I was planning on giving someone that name from the beginning.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:30:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh...um...some of those so-called rhyme are REAL close to being questionable.
I won't nitpick either though because I'm sure mine has some flaws.
"Shinglemeat?" Dude, you WERE starving for ideas, weren't you?
That'll teach you to wait until the 11th hour, indeed. :p
Needless to say, you DID play off of your title, and how! Anything that makes me snort food = auto +2.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-09 07:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ghola is a pixie. She will doubtless take umbrage at this.
Submitted by midwesternknight (user info) at 2006-03-09 07:10:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 02:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, fair enough. I was just asking because it's 1800 in the first verse and 800 in the last.
Toll free numbers are 1800 here, too, by the way. Don't know about Ireland, though.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-09 01:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If I did that I'd have rather "Call Shinglemeat the Lep at 1 800 Stroke Me Clover."
Even though it adds a syllable it keeps the flow a little.
The trouble is throwing the name so close to the beginning of the line.
In my head it helps to have two one syllable words before a three syllable word, rhythm-wise.
That way the line tends to descend and dip before coming up again. If that makes any sense.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 01:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You could have said:
Call Shinglemeat the Lep: 1800 STROKE ME CLOVER
No, I'm not nitpicking. Stop looking at me like that.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-09 01:24:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, it'll have to stand. I needed to swap the syllable from "1" for "Lep" in that last line, and figured that most toll-free numbers here are advertised as either 1 800 or 800...
Of course, why an Irish fairy exterminator is using an American 800# is anyone's guess.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 00:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If a fairy's got you down or pixies bring you over,
Call my toll free number: 1 800 STROKE ME CLOVER,
Ask for Shinglemeat the Lep, they know me there by name,
I'll be out the door at once and you'll be glad I came.
----------------------
You had me at hello.
Also....the phone number in the last verse is '800 STROKE ME CLOVER'...not '1800'.
This was great.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-09 00:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Never. waiting. until. the. 11th. hour. again.