WISH YOU WERE HERE? l ATTEND A SHOWBIZ PARTY WITH MY GOOD FRIENDS!! (578 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: -2 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BRIAN BLESSED (View user info) at 2006-03-09 05:54:58 EST
Wish you were here? I attend a showbiz party with my good friends!
HELLO! IT'S BRIAN BLESSED HERE, YOUR LARGER THAN LIFE HERO! I'M STILL LOOKING FOR WORK SO MY GOOD FRIEND BRIAN MAY INVITED ME TO A PARTY WITH SOME OTHER SHOWBIZ PALS IN THE SURE AND CERTAIN KNOWLEDGE THAT IT WOULD GET ME A PART IN A FILM!
*Sound of struggling as Brian Blessed is leapt upon by several onlookers*
"Listen you bastard, you better keep the noise down or I'll take your computer and shove it up your arse! Wear the muzzle and shut the hell up!"
Sorry about that laddies and lassies, I'll try and keep my fine baritone voice to a more reasonable volume. Let me tell you how it began...
I was in the tavern with Brian May, and his wife, Anita Dobson, formerly a thespian in that fine show East End people! I watch that show all of the time and would be an ideal cockerney because of my fine mastery of the English language and its many accents!
Anyway, I'd followed Brian and his wife to the pub and sat down at his table, as good friends do, and after Anita had japed with me for a while saying that I should "Fuck off following us, you big bearded gobshite" and "Listen shitbin if you don't leave us the fuck alone, I'm going to get you capped!"
Ah, thespian hijinx! I laughed at her until she winced, clasped her hands over her ears and started drinking neat gin from the bottle. Brian came over from the bar with a pint of finest ale for me. I had not heard of this 'Fosters,' but he assured me it was very good indeed! I quaffed it in one and then the room started wobbling a little. Maaarrvvellllooouuus.
Anyway, Brian was talking to dear Angie about the party they'd been invited to, which was going to be patronised by all the great musicians. Naturally, as the inspiration behind all of Queen's work I said that I would go to.
Brian protested quietly, (clearly the boy didn't want me to show up the other musicians - bless him he's all heart) - but I insisted. And so, that is how I decided to go to the David Gilmour celebrity great British musicians party! What fun! Tally ho!
*Note, that this wasn't at his houseboat - this was at one of his fine English homes!*
We turned up at David Gilmour's country mansion an hour later - we'd driven in convoy and I'd nearly got lost twice when Brian May's lights stopped working and his accelerator accidentally was fully opened down some country lanes, in a forest and through a school. Good thing that Brian is a good driver, as that car seemed to be desperate to get away from me! HO HO HO HO HO.
Once the gates opened and we parked up alongside David Gilmour's SPLENDID automobile collection. I parked my very own Brian Blessedmobile next to the Ferrari, and slapped it on the bonnet appreciatively. A fine filly is the prancing pony! I must have found a rust spot however, as my hand went right through the metal! WHOOPS!!
Brian was shaking his head, his big mop of hair shaking about. I did feel a bit bad knowing I would have to tell David that I'd found that his car was rusty, but that's what friends are for!
Waiting outside the front door were some other of my celebrity friends! Jimmy Page, a delicate fellow, certainly my hearty handshake left him looking a little whiter than usual! Paul McCartney was there too, I told him that I'd seen him Yesterday! HO HO HO, but he didn't smile. Perhaps I wasn't loud enough. I explained that I was referring to his song, Yesterday. He still didn't smile, but I knew he was just joshing because he turned to Brian and Angie and asked "why is that shitbin here?" - which is the same joke that Angie was using before! HO HO HO. I told them they needed to be more original, like my Yesterday joke, which was pure wit. I'm a thespian luvvie - we're BRILLIANT at WIT!!! HO HO HO!
Also there was that foreign bloke Sting! I asked him how his home country was - but he kept talking in some strange heathern talk. HO HO HO. I told him I'd got further up Everest than any other man, and to thank his country for granting me access!! He looked puzzled - that's the for jonny foreigners for you though! HO HO HO.
Then there was some youngish chap. He said he was Thom from a band called Radiohead. I hadn't heard of him, but I thought I'd greet him in the traditional Blessed manner by giving him a good hearty hug! Maybe he'll amount to something one day. He looked a little shaken by my stout manly hug, and started complaining about his ribs being broken. I told him it was probably rust like on Gilmour's cars! He called me a monumental shitbin then, so he must be one of Anita's pals!
We pushed the doorbell button, it was quiet for a moment, then we heard a guitar solo. It was pointless and wheedling and lasted five minutes. What an unusual door chime I thought! As the last note was played, the door was flung open, and David Gilmour was stood there with a guitar!
Brian May was a bit cross then, asking if David had the stupidest ring in the world. But David assured him that it wasn't a ring at all! It was him, playing his guitar because he was the world's bestest guitarist, and that's been proven by how many people wanted Pink Floyd to reform!
Sting started jabbering in foreign again, and David told him to come in and do some yoga do calm down! HO HO - THOSE TIBETANS ARE CHEEKY CHAPPIES!
We headed towards the lounge, and Gilmour started playing another guitar solo as we walked along. Paul McCartney looked a bit cross then, particularly as it sounded just like the earlier solo. HO HO. That Gilmour is a japester.
We sat down while wine was brought to us. I said I wanted some mead and asked if David needed me to sing on his new album? The one he got Crosby and Nash to sing on. Gilmour called me a monumental shitbin, and then started shouting at Brian May. Then he played another guitar solo for five minutes.
I started laughing at all the acting, but I AM MUCH BETTER!!
Thom Yorke stood up and asked where the toilet was, to which Gilmour played ANOTHER 5 MINUTE GUITAR SOLO. Thom crossed his legs and started protesting loudly that he was going to 'piss on Blessed's beard if you don't hurry up!' - HO HO HO - Hildegarde has been talking to the ladies!!
Sting got up and started jabbering again and pointing at me. I only hope I hadn't offended his native Tibetan traditions and I assured him that the avalanches on Everest that had buried so many villages were not the result of my voice. It was a coincidence!! HO HO HO. Sting threw a chair at me and then stormed out.
David Gilmour played a guitar solo while Thom Yorke stalked off while he threatened to 'piss on your Porsche, you self indulgent wank stain!'
Paul McCartney stood up and said he was leaving too so Gilmour played ANOTHER GUITAR SOLO - THIS ONE LASTED FIFTEEN MINUTES AND NEVER WENT ANYWHERE EITHER - JUST POINTLESS MASTURBATION ON THE GUITAR THE SELF INDULGENT CUNT!!
Brian May said he hadn't realised that Gilmour wanted to have a jam, otherwise he would have brought his own home made guitar. Gilmour played another guitar solo while shouting 'You can't play with me you rubbish haired bastard - you married her from the telly and your guitar solos aren't long enough!'
Brian and Angie got up to leave - and I waved at them. I didn't know that all these musicians were actors too like me!
There was a knock at the door then, and David played a guitar solo to celebrate - the knocking continued and while Brian and Angie were storming out, it was revealed that Roger Waters was at the door!!! HO HO HO
Gilmour started playing ANOTHER GUITAR SOLO WHICH WAS TOO QUIET AT THE START AND REALLY THREE MINUTES OF FILLER FOLLOWED BY THE SAME ANNOYING RIFF FROM ALL OF HIS EARLIER ALBUMS THE RICH BASTARD - FUCK OFF RELEASING YOUR SHIT SOLO CRAP!!!
Then he threw a plant pot at Waters and told me to 'Fuck off Blessed, you loud bastard - go on, fuck off'
I DEPARTED TO HEAR THE SOUNDS OF ANOTHER GUITAR SOLO - HAUNTING THE NIGHT!
ANY WORK FOR ME?!??!?!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2006-03-09 10:25:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-09 10:19:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:46:29 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:14:22 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
+2 for comfortably numb
-eleventy bajillion for this post.
WORST ALTER EVAR!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Clever use of lowercase l's for capital I's.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:14:22 (#)
Ranking: -2
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
+2 for comfortably numb
-eleventy bajillion for this post.
WORST ALTER EVAR!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-03-09 06:40:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
Shurrup.
Submitted by Brian_Blessed (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:35:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:28:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
I really like how all your post titles are made in ALL FUCKING CAPS!
SO DO I!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:24:53 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:19:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
How did you sneak the all caps title in?
---------
Good Question.
heres a better one.
Brian, when are you going to either 1. Write something good or 2.sod off?
AHA - A JAPE! LIKE MY GOOD FRIEND ANITA DOBSON!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO CLIMB A MOUNTAIN WITH ME? OR PERHAPS REMAKE THE SCOTTISH PLAY WITH ME?!!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I really like how all your post titles are made in ALL FUCKING CAPS!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:19:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
How did you sneak the all caps title in?
---------
Good Question.
heres a better one.
Brian, when are you going to either 1. Write something good or 2.sod off?
Submitted by Brian_Blessed (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:19:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
How did you sneak the all caps title in?
---
WHAT CAPS? THAT IS HOW I ALWAYS TALK!!!!! I AM THE LOUDEST MAN ALIVE!!! LOUDER THAN ALL OF YOU!!!!!!
APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEPTIVE MR LEE!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How did you sneak the all caps title in?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-03-09 09:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF I'M NOT READING ALL THAT LOLZZOORRZZZZ!!11!!!!!1ONETEEONE
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-09 08:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.
Ok.
Just a little pinprick. [ping]
There'll be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-09 07:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't particularly like Pink Floyd - but this wasn't funny.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-03-09 06:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shurrup.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-09 06:21:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
BB will never get more than a -2 from me.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-09 06:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment