Ha ha charade you are... the side of my car is covered in vomit, but I’m still smiling... (1382 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.52 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sofie F (View user info) at 2006-03-10 10:10:51 EST
I've always looked after my car.
It's something my dad taught me. Look after your car and it will look after you. I guess that's a huge cliché, maybe it's just fucking obvious, but it's true.
I bought my first car in 1996 with inheritance money that had been left to me. Nothing fancy, just a basic vehicle to get me from A to B, but it was mine and it was brand new. Every time that car was due for a service, I had it serviced. Every time something broke, I had it fixed. Every time it got dirty, I cleaned it. Well that last one is a bit of a lie... but the inside was always clean.
There is no way in hell I am driving around in a moving garbage dump.
I drove that car until 2005, and not once did it ever give me problems. Unlike my friends, that drove heaps of rust, never serviced them and would inevitably call me at all hours of the morning, because the were stuck on the side of the road somewhere... not me. Only twice did I ever get stuck on the side of the road, and both were due to my own incompetence... FYI cars need petrol.
So, in 2005, I got offered a real good deal on a new car and on a whim I sold my car of 9 years.
There's a point to this whole story... oh yes, I've look after my cars.
So one week I get a call from a friend, she's back in our home town, looking after her parents farm with her sister while they're off gallivanting around Peru and she wants to get all our school friends together. It's the farm, we can come out for the weekend, no one has to drive, you can visit your parents, see your old friends, drink, talk shit... like the old days she tells me.
So that Friday, Alex and myself, climb into my car and head out of the city. We spend the night at my parent's house, and head out to Mellisa's farm on the Saturday afternoon.
So we stand around, we talk shit, we catch up, we have a bit to drink, we all sit down and eat a 3 course meal, like the civilized adults we've all become. After dinner, we talk some more shit and have a bit more to drink.
Not one us really that drunk, least of all me, as I don't drink that much, that often, but Mellisa's sister and her boyfriend finally decide to come out of her room and join us.
The 20 year old boyfriend is a poster child for the emo generation. He's got the whole black hair, with the one side covering half his face, the black nails, glitter, etc.
He's so adorable, I could just drown him in the fountain outside.
I don't know, what the two of them have been up to, but this kid is completely gone. He's wasted/stoned, I don't know. He's mumbling something about pain or some emo cliché, I'm not sure.
I have this awesome ability to just shut out all forms of shitty noise. This kids voice and whining has been added to that list.
I'm not paying attention, but somewhere during the course of the evening, my friend Antonio and this emo kid, start arguing over who can drink more. Not a clever thing to do when you're as far gone as Captain Emo here.
Antonio: 1 - Emo kid: 0
Mellisa's sister is freaking out when she finds her boyfriend passed out on the toilet. There is no way she is having him stay over now. She doesn't want him throwing up in her bed. She's yelling at her sister that her friends are immature. Antonio and I are giggling in the passage like schoolgirls and taking photos of emo passed out with his pants down on the toilet.
This girl turns on Antonio.
This is his fault.
He must get this kid home.
And Antonio, that bastard, he puts his arm around me, hugs me into the conversation and says: Sure, Sofie will drive us.
I pout in Alex's direction, trying to play for some sympathy... he just laughs at me. Thanks sweetie, you suck.
So we're on the road, driving the 10-15kms to get this kids home. I have Lars sitting in the passenger seat and Antonio and Sir Emo in the back. Emo is hanging out the rear right window and I'm cursing under my breath, God help this kid should he choose to vomit in my car.
Perhaps the most amusing part of the trip, to us at least, is somehow I have put the CD player on track repeat. Pink Floyd's Pigs (Three different ones) is playing and every time the line "Ha ha charade you are" comes on, the three of us start laughing for no reason.
Emo, doesn't catch the joke. Emo wants to get sick.
Antonio tells me I'd better pull over.
So I do.
Right in front of a fire department.
I can't see what this kids doing, nor do I want to, but after I notice some firemen looking out us from a window, I realize that being parked outside a fire department, with some kid hurling his guts out the window, is probably not where I want to be.
I pull away.
Ha ha charade you are.
The kid's head comes back in the window. He needs water he tells us. So I pull over at a 24-hour store and Antonio goes in and buys 2 litres of mineral water for this kid.
He's changed his mind.
Ha ha charade you are.
He's no longer thirsty. No. Now he's angry. He wants to release some pent up rage. He starts screaming at us.
Fuck you guys! You're all cunts! Fuck you all!
I feel a hand on my shoulder.
Not you Sofie, you're still cool.
But fuck you, you're all cunts!
We pass another car on the road. Two little girls peer out the back window at this emo mess dangling from my rear window. Antonio waves a finger at them and says: You see kids, don't drink.
We finally get him home. Lars and Antonio carry him up stairs and try to find a suitable place to dump him. I march straight into his kitchen and pick up the first dishcloth I see. I snatch the kid's mineral water away from him and head outside to inspect my car.
Lars and Antonio come out 5 minutes later to find my washing down the side of my car with mineral water and a dishcloth.
They're finding this hilarious. They're standing there, with two beers they've stolen from this kids fridge and I'm standing there in the dark, puke glistening in the moonlight, cleaning up this mess.
I finally open the back door and turn on the light, expecting the worse.
I don't know what's more miraculous, the fact that somehow this kid didn't get a drop of puke inside the car or the fact I'm actually smiling.
Smiling and cleaning up someone else's vomit...
Ha ha charade you are.
At least he'll have something to write on his myspace page on Monday.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-07-24 07:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He's so adorable, I could just drown him in the fountain outside. "
I think you're cool too.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-04-11 14:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:31:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Because I don't own any Michael Jackson, nor would I play it in my car.
I can play a bad version of Man in the Mirror on guitar though, including high pitched vocals...
____________
Record it. And post it.
ADD TO THE MJ LORE, damn you!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew.
but not Shamone! +3.
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-10 17:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Great story.
Reminds me of the time me and a buddy killed a 30 pack of Bud Light at a party before driving over a one lane dirt road to get back to our house. I was in his car, and he was convinced a Park Ranger was behind him as we were going down this windy dirt road in a Jeep Grand Cherokee. All I remember was sticking my head out the passenger window as we flew down the mountain at about 50 miles an hour (about 35 miles over the legal speed limit of this particular road). I remember seeing the side of the Jeep the next day--my puke had fanned out and COVERED the side of my friends Jeep.
Turns out the "Park Ranger" was one of our friends following us to our house over the hill.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-10 16:46:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This post reminds of the comic Amazing Action #149, where Superman loses his powers and has to walk around the city instead of flying....so sad.
<shamone>
<weeps>
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2006-03-10 13:48:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He's so adorable, I could just drown him in the fountain outside." +2 for that
I can't look at puke, smell puke, hear someone puking, etc., without gagging.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-03-10 13:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-10 13:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This could have been a +2 if you didn't start 4 paragraphs with "so."
So, like, do you like, wanna like make fuck?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-10 12:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Gimme his address and I'll come over and beat his ass for being a fucking lightweight emo dipshit virgin loser.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-03-10 12:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:29:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had a few people vomit out my window while I was doing 80mph down the highway. Let me tell you, not only will they spray the outside of your car, but that shit will fly right back in. It's disgusting.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yup- been there. I was too inebriated to drive my own car the 60 miles to get home, so I let a buddy drive. My other friend was puking the entire way home, out the window, but it wasn't until halfway home that I realized the mist hitting me in the face wasn't rain. Why did I think it was rain? Ask Jim Beam...
Anyway, it was my car, so when we got home I immediately get the house out and drunkenly start to clean up the mess. The rear window just wouldn't get clean and after 15 minutes or so I realized it was the INSIDE of the window.
Nasty.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:45:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
my friend was handed a plastic bag to throw up in. unfortunately that bag had a big hole in the bottom and when she picked it up to toss it out the car window it went splat in her lap. it wasn't my car, so it was funny.
at least it wasn't cold enough to freeze to the side of your car, but then i guess you coulda just scraped that off.
-----------------
That stuffs a bitch if you don't get it off soon enough. Luckily this happened in summer.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:45:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my friend was handed a plastic bag to throw up in. unfortunately that bag had a big hole in the bottom and when she picked it up to toss it out the car window it went splat in her lap. it wasn't my car, so it was funny.
at least it wasn't cold enough to freeze to the side of your car, but then i guess you coulda just scraped that off.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:29:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had a few people vomit out my window while I was doing 80mph down the highway. Let me tell you, not only will they spray the outside of your car, but that shit will fly right back in. It's disgusting.
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I was only doing 60kmph, but I swear it was all over his hands at one point, and how he didn't manage to wipe them on a seat I don't know.
Submitted by weasul (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had a few people vomit out my window while I was doing 80mph down the highway. Let me tell you, not only will they spray the outside of your car, but that shit will fly right back in. It's disgusting.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A-HEE-YEE
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew!
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:54:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Eeeewwww. Chunky.
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Actually it was dark red. I think the kid had been eating nothing but beetroots the whole day.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-03-10 11:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Does anyone else see the visage of the Virgin Mary in that puke?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Pink Floyd +2. Story was good too.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eeeewwww. Chunky.
Submitted by Misanthropic (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the vomit pic
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yuck
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:29:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why weren't you listening to "Man in the Mirror" on repeat?
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Because I don't own any Michael Jackson, nor would I play it in my car.
I can play a bad version of Man in the Mirror on guitar though, including high pitched vocals...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:29:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why weren't you listening to "Man in the Mirror" on repeat?
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:25:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what i meant to say was really real
Submitted by beatjunky (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being danish, if you are really we should totally smoke up get drunk and mate next time i am there
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ess-arr I've always figured if anyone came close to throwing up in my car, I'd loose it. I can't believe how calm I was.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
pink floyd +1
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
unless its someone's else's and you don't have to clean it up...sucka
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-10 10:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good job MJ, puke is never fun.