Vroom, bump, splat. Next. (1175 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.7 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-11 12:34:24 EST
Out of respect for my dear late cat Janis, for whom I wrote a poem:
Bump, bump, squish
There'll be no more eating fish
You'll never catch another bird
Because I'm driving and I heard
Bump, bump, miaow
And I'll never know just how
Your head got stuck beneath the wheel;
And through the floorboards I could feel
Bump, bump, crack
(I think that one was your back)
My pretty grey departed pet
I wish now that I'd called the vet
we have decided NOT to call the new kitten any of the following names:
SpeedBump
Splat
Temporary
Smear
Roadkill
Pancake
Shit, was what that noise?
______________
Ejaculate, when squirted hard enough up the nose, will hang about in the sinuses for about three days making a nuisance of itself. This is not funny. Watching your wife stand over the sink, eyes streaming, trying to wash goo out of her nostrils, saying "You came up by dose" is not amusing. Spending three days asking "Has it reached the brain yet? You can begin your next step in evolution as soon as it starts to interact with your frontal lobes" will not make you a popular person in your home.
______________
Moths, when they fly into an uncovered european lamp (because apparently the lamps aren't mothproof over there, who'da thunk it?) give off an overpowering and horrible smell as they cook. Also a lot of smoke. Seriously, the fumes are mind altering. Stop taking acid, just set a few moths in in a crucible and heat over a bunsen burner.
________
On a related note, ladies, even the most patient and wonderful man in the world will get mildly irritated when he's taking a lamp apart to clean moths out of it and you jump in with "Here, give me the screwdriver. I'll do it faster than you."
I don't know why. He just will.
__________
I've been married almost a year. I can tell, because the infestation of caterpillars that made the first month of my marriage a creepy crawly hell on earth are back in force. It's a fucking horror movie: "Things With Fur, part 2. They're back - and now they're inside the house." Wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't allergic to them. There's one looking at me right now.
We're discussing divorce to celebrate our one year anniversary - not for any real reason, just to stop ourselves getting bored and complacent. We'll divorce, see other people, cry, cheat on our new lovers with each other, and get back together. It's all very complex and exciting.
_____________
This is my kitten. His name is Sebastian. Sebastian is not allowed outside at all. If I ever kill this one accidentally, it's going to be with a hairdryer and a bottle of cough syrup, like normal people. (I've started doing volunteer work at the canine rescue place to earn back karma points I lost running over the cat. The Dutchman thinks this is a foolish reason to do something - thoughts? Ideas?)
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-13 18:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really? a whole year? I thought you and the Dutchman had been together far longer than that.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-03-13 12:01:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-13 09:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-13 08:38:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you slay me with your take on things as simple as running over cats.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-13 08:40:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ejaculate, when squirted hard enough up the nose, will hang about in the sinuses for about three days making a nuisance of itself. This is not funny. Watching your wife stand over the sink, eyes streaming, trying to wash goo out of her nostrils, saying "You came up by dose" is not amusing. Spending three days asking "Has it reached the brain yet? You can begin your next step in evolution as soon as it starts to interact with your frontal lobes" will not make you a popular person in your home.
-----------
Har Har!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-13 08:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you slay me with your take on things as simple as running over cats.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-03-13 08:27:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ironically enough, my previous post is appropriate here.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-12 21:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-03-12 18:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-11 12:40:06 (#)
Ranking: 1
EVIL CATS - There are too many cat lovers on uber. Far too many.
I'm telling you, hamsters are the best.
----------------------------------------------
funny you should mention that...my sons hamster got out the other night, and both cats and the dog played with it to death. This would not be worth mentioning if it weren't the third one they have killed. I told my son we were going to get him a pet that can defend itself.
cute kitty, maybe you should have named it dode katachtig
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-12 14:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm supposed to think this is cute?
Clever?
Interesting?
Worth my time?
Cuz it's not.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-03-12 13:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-03-11 22:09:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your marijuana appears to be superior to mine.
Care to hook a white boy up?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-11 22:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute kitten.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-11 17:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have an idea.
You need a shock collar, a few metal bits, a blowtorch and a big battery pack.
So, first, you put the collar on the cat.
Second, you weld those metal bits to the four corners of your car.
Run the points for the shock fence around the car.
Plug it in to the batteries.
Every time you move the car near the cat, you shock the fuck out of it, and it loses brain function, so it doesn't feel it when it gets crushed.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-11 17:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CAT KILLER CAT KILLER!
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2006-03-11 16:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-03-11 16:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Dutchman thinks this is a foolish reason to do something - thoughts? Ideas?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The Dutch think anything is a foolish reason to do anything, unless it involves keeping the North Sea from coming in your front door.
As for the ejaculate up the nose, either you have the most ginormous nostrils in the world, or the dutchman should be considering enhancement surgery...
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-03-11 16:12:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"thoughts? Ideas?"
I think you should marry me, is what I think.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-11 14:50:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute cat. You want to look into getting that cyst removed though - it looks angry.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-11 14:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry bout teh other cat.
this on is cute though. don't eat it.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-11 14:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel a bit tearful abut the cat that got run over, but cute kittens are better, huh.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-11 14:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, and you never read my "losing my virginity" post.
cunt.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-11 14:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
started out B@W... and then you gave me a picture of your stupid fucking kitten thing. damn you, circe. damn you.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-11 13:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Speed bump take two made me laugh.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-11 13:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So... I can't pet your pussy?
Can I masturbate on to it then?
No?
<weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps>
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-11 13:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-03-11 13:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww Circe's pussy is so cute and covered in soft fuzzy hair, can I pet it Circe? Please?
And hampsters DO kick ass, the one I had when I was thirteen would dig in snow and my stupid dog would chase it and if she caught him, would just sniff her... Good times, good times.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-11 12:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
StaggerLee - shit. I knew I shouldn't have let the Boy name it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-11 12:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd have called the cat "Be Quicker Than Janis".
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-11 12:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
EVIL CATS - There are too many cat lovers on uber. Far too many.
I'm telling you, hamsters are the best.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-11 12:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yes, I nearly forgot the obligatory cooing over the creature.
*ahem*
AWWWWWWWWW, KITTY!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-11 12:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we
could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the
cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.
-- Homer Simpson
Brother from the Same Planet
When I read the title, my first thought was "Oh god, she's killed the new one *already*?"
Submitted by Waxinmyeye (user info) at 2006-03-11 12:37:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
animals always with the animals, call him kitty thats original!