Loss (23 - 26) (646 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.63 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jeveux... (View user info) at 2006-03-12 04:08:05 EST
I apologise to those who missed these, it's been a while.
I hope you can still enjoy them.
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23
I'm clearing up my breakfast stuff when Alvin thumps on the door. I ignore him so he pushes it open, enters and walks to my fridge. He takes the milk, turns his back to me and leaves. He doesn't close the door. I don't say anything because my phone is ringing.
"Hi mum." I try to sound cheerful and busy, like I've been awake for hours.
"Hello darling," she says, kindly; we always get on best when we're not face to face. "Have you checked your results?"
Shit. Exam results. Today.
"No," I say, "Not yet. I'll call you back."
Everyone in Sydney gets their exam result on the same day. We all get some arbitrary number that dictates where we go to university and what we study. For twenty thousand extra dollars, some universities will pretend your number was higher.
My number is 98.35 and it doesn't mean anything because I stopped caring a while ago. I ring my mum and tell her. She laughs with joy because I've done well. I ring my dad. He sounds proud.
**
24
Not so far away from Jake, in the next suburb with water views, Ray is sitting on black leather couches eating his way through a small tub of award winning gelati, wondering if he beat any of his friends. He wouldn't admit he cares, and he doesn't really, because he's going to be a manager in his dad's company anyway. Making hospital furniture isn't very glamorous but well timed donations to the minister for health ensure that it is very profitable.
**
25
Amy doesn't know why she cries when she reads her score on the flickering computer monitor but she thinks it must be a mixture of relief and joy. She has managed 97.2 and hers is easily the highest score anyone at her school will get. Over the morning she gets phone-call after phone-call from happy teachers, relatives and friends. Her dad takes her out to lunch and buys the paper so he can see her name on the honour roll. Her school doesn't have a sought after position in the "top ten schools" list or even in the top one hundred. Ray's school is number Thirteen. She thinks of him and it still hurts. She notices that Jake went to a school in the top ten. She remembers it for something to talk about if he ever calls.
**
26
That morning the sky is black with clouds. Sydney harbour is dark but it isn't raining. Out at sea there is a gap in the clouds and golden hope reflects down, onto the water but Jake never sees it. He has slept badly; too hot under his blankets. He moves and hurts his broken leg. The pain wakes him but he stays in bed, uninspired by the absence of morning sunlight. Alyssa didn't turn up last night and that hurts him too. He lies there missing her.
Four hours later Alyssa and Kat wake up and take turns to shower. Alyssa's phone is on silent and she does not notice that someone has been trying to call her. She doesn't want to think about what she did last night and she doesn't have to just yet, because Kat is there to distract her. She wonders what she'll say to Jake but she doesn't think to call him.
While Kat is in the shower Alyssa starts to cry. She can't believe herself. She's so angry because she knows they will break up. She knows, in her heart of hearts, that Jake will find out and he will freak. She knows she's lost her rich, smart, funny, and caring boyfriend. She's lost her favourite accessory. She has a moment of distress, her eyes rest on her mobile and she notices something. There is a message from Marc. She reads it and it's short. "Don't tell Jake anything," it says.
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80825
Part 2 and 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80892
Part 4 and 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80940
Part 6 and 7: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80994
Part 8 and 9: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81147
Parts 10, 11 and 12: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81168
Parts 13 and 14: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81637
Parts 15 and 16: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81843
Parts 17 and 18: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81989
Parts 19 and 20: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82081
Parts 21 and 22: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82900
User Reviews
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-08-20 19:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES! I MISSED THIS SERIES!!
please keep writing it...
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-08-14 19:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahem.
I'm back from vacation now.. you can start posting more of this series.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-05-09 22:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
imo pimp smack you
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the crap you said more was coming......lies.
i still love you.
just write more.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-25 18:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
inion he commented me saying hes gonna do more
WOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-25 11:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just remembered that these existed. i wish you'd make editions of them more often.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-12 18:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we, the people of me, demand more.
Submitted by sleepingmonkey (user info) at 2006-03-28 12:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
keep it up. don't take so long this time, please!
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-03-20 20:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-13 16:42:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
COMING IN JULY, PARTS 27-178
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too true
and i believe you promised more ho!!!!!
more please
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-13 16:42:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
COMING IN JULY, PARTS 27-178
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-03-13 11:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALYSSA IS A WHORE
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-03-12 21:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-12 18:28:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope Alyssa gets what she deserves for being so skanky and stupid. "Favorite accessory." Psh, bitch.
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word
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-12 18:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope Alyssa gets what she deserves for being so skanky and stupid. "Favorite accessory." Psh, bitch.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-03-12 17:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yea red i know this wasn't the best but i needed something easier to get back into it.
Next post will be better and hopefully finished in a few days
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-03-12 11:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't develop the story as much as you have in others, but that's ok.
I still love this.
My reccomendation? Post more! But yeah I love this series keep pumping em out please.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-03-12 11:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALRIGHT!!!!!
now time to read it.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-12 10:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh thank god it works.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-12 10:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-03-12 10:15:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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No comment from a green, leafy substance...
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-03-12 10:15:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-12 09:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People, read the whole series by this kid. :<) It is awesome!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-03-12 06:44:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This whole series has been done very well. Some have noted that
the sections are rather short, but that can always be restructured
during the rewrite/editing process.
Wardy has left you some good advice in the "show, don't tell" department,
but good writing needs both. Backstory is normally told, while the
action segments are shown.
I have a degree in English as well, but mine happened about a week
after language was invented. :-/
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-03-12 05:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this is a first draft.
i DO want the tips.
thanks for reading
thanks for commenting
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-12 05:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
after reading this one, i went back and started reading. i'm a writing-intensive english major, and a t.a. for a few writing classes, so don't think i'm being a dick by giving you a 1.
my biggest problem is that you "tell" too much. i can't tell you how important it is to learn how to "show" rather than "tell", but it's the first step to becoming a noticable writer among the masses. work on that.
the other problem i have is that the sections are too short. this has a lot to do with the aforementioned issue, but also has to do with you getting carried away, going at the story at a million miles an hour. it's apparent with the typos and stuff that you have that you aren't really going back and checking this over.
granted, i'm assuming this is a first draft or whatever, but i figured you might want the tips. keep on workin' at that shit...