The Demons Are Sometimes Subtle (1350 hits)
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Submitted by Rizzo (View user info) at 2006-03-12 21:29:42 EST
My favorite definition of insanity goes something like this: doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results each time.
I went out to the Irish Pub in Philly last night to meet up with some people who were riding the Erin Express. Pub crawls are a new thing to me. I vaguely knew they existed (sue me, I'm not Irish) but I had never seen one in action until last night.
I got to the bar at five. When I got there I found out that the girl I was going to meet wasn't coming. This bummed me out. The Erin Express did arrive, but I didn't recognize anyone, so I laid low and did something I always seem to do.
I sat in a corner, ordered a Stella Artois, and proceeded to get drunk by myself.
This is nothing new to me. I am impulsive. When I want to do something, I do it. I don't wait and I don't hold back. Not getting what I want pisses me off. It might be a side effect of being an only child, or it might be years and years of people telling me I couldn't have this or that. Don't ever tell me I can't have this or that. I will get it. That's how I operate.
Yesterday was 70 and sunny in Philly. I wanted to get drunk, meet a chick, have some fun. I did not want to sit in my apartment.
I called all my friends. None of them could make it out. I was going to have to do this alone.
Drinking is bad for me. It alters my thinking in profound ways. A good friend once told me that I change instantly when I drink. Truer words were never spoken. I went from having a good day to being monumentally depressed in less than three pints. I promised myself at the onset that I would quit at three pints. I ordered number four and continued to drink. By the end of that pint, I was already too drunk to drive.
I ordered number five, and then number six. A friend of mine entered the bar with her nurse buddies. I ordered them drinks, and they bought me number seven.
Less than two hours had passed. The bar emptied out. Ms. Friend left. I was all alone.
I somehow made it home and passed out, but not before pulling my ball python Frank out of his cage, wrapping him around my head, and telling him in glorious detail how sorry I was for being an idiot again.
This type of shit has been going on for months now, if not years. This is the definition of insanity played out in real life. My life.
I have been depressed for the last 15 years. I can tell you the exact date and time at which I realized my depression. I have been on medication for depression. I have been institutionalized because of my depression. I have attacked people because of depression. I have been locked up because of depression. I have made one bad illogical decision after another, because of depression. My life hasn't been destroyed by depression, but depression has certainly taken its toll on me.
I have come to the realization that I am depressed. I know what exacerbates my depression. I know what helps it too. I have done little to help myself climb out of it, and I have shredded what little progress I have made towards getting better.
I continue to perform the same destructive behaviors over and over again, in hopes that it will lift me out of this depression. It has not.
The first step in any seemingly hopeless situation is acceptance. Once you accept the situation, you accept responsibility for it. Only by accepting responsibility can you then take the proper action needed to resolve it.
In fifteen years I have never once accepted responsibility for the way I feel. I have never been able to bring myself to say I own this depression. And because of that, I have not been able to take the actions necessary to get better. Instead, I default to the insanity of repetition. I play out the same script every week. And every weekend, I end up physically and emotionally devastated, usually recovering from some form of alcohol-induced exhaustion coupled with a crippling mental anguish that forces me to lock myself in my apartment in paralyzing agony.
I am bored of this routine. I am tired of the same result.
I have good reasons for not wanting to try traditional methods of alleviating my depression. I was medicated as a teenager, and the results were far from positive. All medication has adverse effects on me. Mind-altering drugs such as Zoloft and Prozac are, in my mind, extremely dangerous. I wrote a post about a year ago talking about my experiences with Zoloft. Shortly after being prescribed Zoloft, I became addicted to its effects. Zoloft not only made me happy, it made me fearless. Inside my cheerful shell is a violent, antagonistic human being. I am scary when I am fearless. I dread taking drugs like this again and lashing out. But I'm also a big boy now, and I might be able to interpret the effects of the Zolofts of the world differently. Regardless, I need medication, and it must be an option this time around.
I also cannot afford treatment for depression. It's very expensive, and right now I am living on a tight budget. I cannot spend $500-$1000 a month for medication and counseling. Healthcare only covers so much. I don't know how I'm going to foot the bill.
Still, I cannot stand to replay the same script over every week. I cannot use work and obsessive compulsive behaviors to take my mind off the pain. I certainly can no longer drown it out with drugs and alcohol. None of those behaviors have worked to this day, and to think they ever will is a tribute to true insanity.
Why am I telling you all this? Well, for one, I have no one else to tell. No one really wants to listen to me spout off about the same old shit. My friends and family are sick of it. They never believed I had a problem in the first place, and they sure don't believe it now that I'm attempting to get help again for the Nth fucking time. It's easy for me to speak to an audience I can't see. It's therapeutic too. I like writing on here, and I feel that writing this is the first step towards acceptance. If you're bored of me talking about this, as I'm sure many of you are, then by now you've hit the back button on your browser and you're on your way to checking out the next stellar Habeeb post featuring Microsoft Paint graphics. That's fine. I didn't write this to really entertain anyone. I wrote it because I needed to talk about it. If someone was here in the room with me, I'd start the conversation right where this one started. Yeah, I want to go talk to a professional right now, but it's Sunday night. No doctors are available, and I'm nowhere near slicing my wrists in the tub or jumping off a bridge. Indeed, I tried to talk to one of my friends online about it, but he just doesn't understand depression because he isn't depressed, and he's too consumed with getting his modem to work so he can traverse the wasteland of Internet chicks available to him. Understandable, trust me.
Depression. It affects a lot of people. To understand it, you must experience it firsthand. I've talked to a few of you on here who also suffer from depression. The road to depression is always different in everyone, but the net result is the same. It consumes everything in its path. It affects every life event, even dreams. In its throes, there truly seems to be no escape. Even people with treatment plans have expressed their distraught. It's frightening to think that there might just not be a way out, but I've got to try. I can't keep living like this.
There are many different reasons that a person becomes depressed. Life situations can do it; so can chemical imbalances. Looking back on my life, I can say that life situations have certainly exacerbated or quelled my depression. But it has never ever fully left me. Even at my highest points, I longed for moments of pain. I missed the pain because I have used it as my motivating fire. It's good for that, I guess, but in the end it's good for nothing. Being so devastated on a beautiful Sunday afternoon that you can't even do your laundry or buy groceries is certainly no picnic. I don't want to live that way any more. Things have to change.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to do something that I have refused to do for the last 15 years. I'm going to sincerely ask for help. This will require a wholesale change in my life. I will probably no longer drink or use tobacco because those chemicals make me anxious and depressed. I'll probably be put on medication and be asked to talk with someone about my feelings. I'll have to live a healthy routine, not one of impulse or obsessiveness. And I'll be asked to try to enjoy my life, as so many others have asked me to do time and time again. I've never really been able to enjoy life. Depression makes it really hard to just go out there and have a good time for good time's sake. It sucks when anything, literally anything, can dampen the mood on any given day. That's depression in a nutshell. It starts, and it never ends. I may never be cured per se, but I won't go down until I've exhausted all options. This probably isn't my last option, but I'd be hard pressed to say I haven't tried everything under the insane bubble to escape from being miserable. Those options don't work for me. I hate admitting I'm not normal. I really hate admitting I can't have something that I want. I want to drink and be merry. I want to impulsively spend money. I want to have a good time on my own damn time. But history has shown that I can't do that anymore, and that flies right in the face of my core principles. And for the first time, I am choosing to shatter those core principles in order to live a better life.
Acceptance. The first step in anything. The hardest step, but once you get started, you never have to look back. No one in a marathon ever looks back at the starting line. They don't have to. They just run the race and try their best. Sometimes, they even win.
I hope I win. And if I don't, I hope I finish the race before it gets too dark out to see the finish line.
Cheers to you if you made it this far, and thanks for sticking around. I hope to have many funny posts to contribute in the future. You deserve it. I've been contributing nothing but shit lately, and it saddens me. It's all part of the equation, and I hope my change will change the quality of everything I do and make posting on Ubersite enjoyable again.
See you in UberMadness.
RIZZO~~
User Reviews
Submitted by Aphrodite (user info) at 2006-03-16 21:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you can always call me, Rizzo. :(
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-03-13 22:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dont seek help. waste you life away. all it is, is a series of moments. enjoy them.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-03-13 22:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seek help. Otherwise you are wasting your life this way.
I've been there and been through that. Almost died a few times by my own hand.
I feel like I wasted precious years under the dark cloud.
Even if you can't afford pills sometimes just talking it out
and learning coping skills can prove invaluable.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-13 20:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2006-03-13 11:27:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
I just want to reiterate that this illness is in no way something I can "shake off." Depression can be exacerbated by life events, but true clinical depression sustains itself in ANY life situation.
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It's really unfortunate that much of American society simply refuses to acknowledge the existence of clinical depression. Sure, in the past, there were so many physical afflictions that obscured it, or lack of research to back it up. We don't really have that excuse now. The medical industry, with all its current overmedication and sometimes dubious diagnoses, has probably only contributed to the problem by convincing some people that there is no such thing, simply because it's so easy to get a prescription these days. I think it does a disservice to the truly depressed to be marginalized like this. I hope you get the help you need, whichever route you choose.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-13 19:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just hope i don't see you in UM again...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-13 13:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:31:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Best of luck. Be strong and stay tough.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-03-13 11:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the whole thing. I hope you win the race.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2006-03-13 11:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just want to reiterate that this illness is in no way something I can "shake off." Depression can be exacerbated by life events, but true clinical depression sustains itself in ANY life situation. I remember moments when everything, literally everything, in my life was great, and I was still sad because I missed being in pain. I also notice that depression manifests itself in unexplained anxiety and fatigue in my case when life is going well. I have suffered for years from crushing dizziness, which no doctor could ever explain. I never even knew that dizzyness was a symptom of clinical depression until yesterday. One more reason to get help.
I don't feel sorry for myself, I haven't hit rock bottom, I'm not about to lose it all and flip out. I am just sick and tired of the same results happening due to my actions. I don't want to have to deal with crushing agony every day. I don't know how to do it on my own. I've tried for 15 years and I've failed.
Again, unless you have experienced this firsthand, it is impossible for you to comprehend. I don't expect you to understand it. Taking medication is the last thing I wanted to do, but I have to keep my options open, because I can't fix this myself.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best of luck. Be strong and stay tough.
Submitted by modernpost (user info) at 2006-03-13 08:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
poof
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-13 07:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
still down for that hockey game?
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-03-13 07:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and what Smack Fuck said.
Can't believe I've just typed that sentence.
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-03-13 07:01:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A good post, in my own opinion I don't trust people who haven't had depression. This society is not logical and is fucked up. We have been trained as children to be logical that can be a real problem in the real world. But you have to carve your own path to happiness.
I used to be prone to depression and I've come out of it. Sure I've had some real shitty moments in the last two years, but I've dusted myself off and had some real life defining moments of awesome happiness. Plenty of people come through depression, consider it a rite of passage.
I see plenty of hope in this post:
"Still, I cannot stand to replay the same script over every week. I cannot use work and obsessive-compulsive behaviours to take my mind off the pain. I certainly can no longer drown it out with drugs and alcohol. None of those behaviours have worked to this day, and to think they ever will is a tribute to true insanity."
IMHO Drinking never helps depression, I've lost count of the alcoholics who talk about being depressed for a whole night, you spend the entire time discussing their depression, only for them to wake up hung over full of self loathing, having forgotten everything. I've been there and lived with someone for four years who did the some thing 4 out of 5 nights. Just stop.
Drink only in company when you are happy, 1 light beer/ 1 soft drink ratio. If you can't sleep, exercise till you can't stand
"This will require a wholesale change in my life. I will probably no longer drink or use tobacco because those chemicals make me anxious and depressed. I'll probably be put on medication and be asked to talk with someone about my feelings. "
This has helped others and me in the past: get out.
For two weeks go work on a farm or something away from your daily life, fresh air and plenty manual labour, go cold turkey.
Be careful whom you discuss your feelings with, people are battling their own problems and don't need to be brought down, if anybody asks you how you are, you say that you are great, try making other people happy, it's rewarding.
Depressed people create a depressive air around themselves, change that and you might have some fun.
Be careful with counselling, they can have a bit of a systematic approach that might not suit everybody (got to be careful what I say here). The second bout of counselling only made things very worse for me.
What sort of music do you listen to?
Only music can have a profound effect on mood, I listen to depressive music when happy to experience a pleasant sense of temporary melancholy. To calm things down. Wallowing to maudlin tunes whilst drunk will only make things worse.
Dig out some Bob Marley, cheerful tunes with real problems.
*Disclaimer: All of the above worked for others, and me, however, I'm no expert.
Good luck!
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-03-13 06:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're just taking yourself too seriously, taking life too seriously. Don't think of the world as some big dramatic soap opera, just think of it as a silly game. Remember how seriously you took things when you were a kid, like peer pressure or being in the school play? Imagine if you could travel back in time and talk to you kid self, what would you tell him? If you're like most people you'd tell him to just lighten up, tell him it's no big deal, stop taking whatver it is so seriously, relax, lighten up, chill out, have fun. Now imagine meeting your future self, he'd tell you the same thing.
Seriousness and fear are the same thing, one comes with the other. Stop being serious and your life will stop being controlled by fear. Bang, just like that. Play life like a computer game, or like you're a character in a comedy.
Tell the quacks to shove their medicine, you can stop your problem instantly any time you want. I had similiar problems, with panic attacks too, but at the root of all these types of things is fear, and I stopped it by becoming cool and logical instead of emotional.
There's only really two types of people in the world- people who base their thought process on fear, and people who base it on fun. People who take themselves seriously VS cool people, like me.
If you watch some sitcoms like friends, king of queens or whatever, see how they make you feel more lighthearted, that's why people enjoy them because most people aren't lighthearted, but it's very easy to do. Just be tongue in cheek.
Ubersite is a good place to lighten up, if you read a shlongy post you can't imagine him getting all dramatic like this. Why? Because he doesn't take himself seriously. Bingo.
This is a long ass post but I'm a "do unto others as you want to them to do unto you" kinda guy, and I would've liked it if someone had said this to me back when I was all doom and gloom, to make me snap out of it. Also- I dunno if you play any team sports but if you don't you could take one up, for all the endorphins and shit, and also the locker room banter will quickly knock all that pussy whining/ darkness in my soul crap out of you.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-13 06:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Usually I would say the same thing Berty, but I believe Rizzo did mention that his family had "never believed there was anything wrong" (or words to that effect).
He also referred to doing the same things over and over, which is a difficult rut to escape when you are in familiar surroundings. Sometimes a change of scenery can help to escape from that.
-Dave
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So... extreme sports then?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-13 06:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-13 06:14:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Incidently, I disagree with Davros, on this occaison. If a fella is clinically depressed it's more than just 'the hardship of modern living'. It's medical and as such you need the support of people around you. Not much, I mean you don't want to be a burden, but a little from time to time.
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Usually I would say the same thing Berty, but I believe Rizzo did mention that his family had "never believed there was anything wrong" (or words to that effect).
He also referred to doing the same things over and over, which is a difficult rut to escape when you are in familiar surroundings. Sometimes a change of scenery can help to escape from that.
-Dave
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-13 06:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-03-13 05:52:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
*cries EMO tears*
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Williamson! It's good too see you've put down the oriental punanni long enough to mock the people who care about you. Post something about your advenntures in magic land (Japan).
Incidently, I disagree with Davros, on this occaison. If a fella is clinically depressed it's more than just 'the hardship of modern living'. It's medical and as such you need the support of people around you. Not much, I mean you don't want to be a burden, but a little from time to time.
Then again, it depends on how you feel. Maybe you find other people trying to lend comfort intrusive. I remember one particularly heart rendering story about a guy who got married but he was really depressed and didn't feel comfortable living with his wife so they seperated. It was on teh teevee so they did an interview with the wife and she really did love the guy. She understood as well so she was able to deal with his issues. It was a kind of shitty situation but you sort of got the impression that they were going to be ok, as long as the bloke didn't slice himself up.
I guess how you deal with it all is your own business and you didn't post this for advice or nothing. Just in the hope that people wouldn't call you a freak. Which they didn't. Which is nice.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-03-13 05:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*cries EMO tears*
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-13 05:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Skate it off!!! I Kid I Kid.
Seriously sometimes the best thing that you can do is pick up and get away from a place where everyone knows you, your business and your problems. I don't know if Philly is "home" to you, but sometimes that familiarity creates another rut for you to fall in to.
I also think that the system doesn't help you in the USA.
The willingness to throw pills at kids when they have some sort of problem is scary to me. Not saying that it is not the correct soloution in SOME cases, but it is not THE final answer. I believe I am around the same age as you and none of my friends that I grew up with have ever been medicated. Maybe I am in the minority in this regard, but I suspect it is a cultural thing.
I understand that it is becoming more common now.
Anyhoo, before this gets too long, good luck. Realising your problem is always a good step towards solving it.
-Dave
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-03-13 05:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have faith that your intellect will get you through this. Let me know if you ever need anything.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-13 04:51:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You want to quit your job and take up extreme sports, sort you right out! Throw Zoloft into the mix and they'll probably put you on television.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-13 04:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite definition of insanity goes something like this: doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results each time.
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It's a great post and all but I must comment on the above phrase. It's bullshit. Afterall, if I cut up my mother and then stick my dick in her because I am horney, I am not expecting 'a different result', but I am, however, mental.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-03-13 04:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this, I kept remembering The Silence of The Lambs, when Lector says: "Everything you need to catch Buffalo Bill is contained in this file."
Everything you need to rid yourself of this personal demon is contained in this post, within you. This you already know. You mentioned hoping to see the finish line before it gets too dark to see it. Such an endpoint is an illusion, like the future and past. Happiness becomes reality within an ever-evolving present, an infinite "Now" as Buddhists call it that we consciously create, and in turn are created by.
Good luck, although luck, too, is an illusion: you're holding all the keys, don't drop them.
(In the reviews below, some less esoteric, solid advice: http://www.ubersite.com/m/85216#1880500 )
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-13 03:40:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No valuable comment here
Submitted by RamenNoodle (user info) at 2006-03-13 00:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there brother, its like anything else, you cant really relate until you have experienced it. The first depression was my fault because I did a cycle of steroids improperly. I didnt realize that after a cycle your body stops producing testosterone, and that in itself leads to various temporary chemical imbalances. The second time was a result of just getting a really shitty hand from life for about 2 years. Personally I refused to do counselling or drugs, and was able to come out of depression. I wish you the best of luck.
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2006-03-13 00:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i get it
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-03-12 23:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by little_ralph (user info) at 2006-03-12 23:40:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so... have you stopped crying like a bitch then?
Submitted by Trojan (user info) at 2006-03-12 23:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Being so devastated on a beautiful Sunday afternoon that you can't even do your laundry or buy groceries "
That line is what got me. I'm at the point where I've had enough of being 'not normal', of feeling exactly like that. It's only been six years for me, but I've had enough damnit. The sad part is I finally took action, I drove myself out the the hospital and told them I was crazy. They told me I wasn't crazy and sent me home with a phone number. Don't they see that if I can't even do my washing or buy myself food, how can I find the strength to call someone and confess?
Bah. It's a beatiful day outside and I'm here.
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-03-12 22:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This may seem insensitive and a ridiculous approach to the matter, I'm one of those horrible incessantly happy people, but if I ever feel depressed, I exercise. I FORCE myself to do it- regardless of what it is. A run, swim, punch the living crap out of my boxing bag, a walk on the beach, anything to get my endorphins going. I'm addicted to my own happy chemicals and it's great.
And then I sleep well, I'm happy, I get more enjoyment out of food, it's great. But I do understand depression and how hard it is, to 'snap out of it' and how much it hurts to be unable to get out of bed some mornings.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-12 22:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your story is touching, and you're brave for telling it here.
I'm in the Philly suburbs, so somehow it seems even more intimate to me that you shared.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 22:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-03-12 22:02:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 21:36:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Is this all true?
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That everyone on Uber is alcoholic and depressed? Yes.
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But I'm alcoholic and happy.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2006-03-12 22:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck dude. Just remember that you can't change things overnight.
Submitted by PoTtY (user info) at 2006-03-12 22:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 21:36:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Is this all true?
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That everyone on Uber is alcoholic and depressed? Yes.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-12 21:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Life is just life. It isn't fair. It isn't predictable. It isn't really unpredictable either. Everything you do for someone else is something for them and you. Everything you do for you is for someone close to you and you.
Wake up in the morning, take a shower, go try to find something in the world that can make you smile, naturally.
Good luck, Rizz.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-12 21:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
strange as it seems, uber DOES have therapeutic value.
I know you don't know me, but AIM if you want to
crystlesun
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 21:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Is this all true?