"Generous Renumeration" (490 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.73 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smooth_Shoes (View user info) at 2006-03-13 10:22:00 EST
I have had a few small jobs to tick me over in the dry periods. Most of them leaving me estranged and felt like I have given a part of my soul to Beelzebub himself.
It was the day when I found myself haggling for chips at the kebab shop that I realised that I really needed some more money. Since most of my studies were hospital base I decided to look for some work there."There must to be something I could do" I convinced myself. I wandered around the notice boards, dreaming of the MSG sodden 'Imperial Feast' buffet at the local Chinese place.
It was then that I met my friend Owen. He was a post-doc and had just gotten a grant through for a pilot study. He needed volunteers quick and asked me if I wouldn't mind helping him.He said it was simple. There were 3 phases. Each phase I did 3 scans, 2 of which were on a particular drug and one placebo. Each phase paid £250. I couldn't pass this up.
You see, everyone has their dope story where they ate someone's arm or fabulous time they took ecstasy and didn't blink for 48 hours straight. It's just one of those things you remember or know you forgot.
He gave me an envelope full of stuff to read and told me when to turn up for my scans. The first two scans were fine; it could have been a placebo and an inactive drug, who knows? Then, came the third scan.
Ok, not too technical, just to put some perspective on it. A 'standard' joint with say 1/16 oz (roughly 2g) of marijuana(usually about 5% THC), smoked over 7-8 mins would probably give you a good old buzz. I was given an intravenous bolus, which felt like smoking 4 zoots in one puff. When you get that sudden rush that would normally culminate over time, it's an odd feeling. I'd never really smoked much before and now, I was the ultimate binge monkey.
"How you feeling?" Owen said with a coy smile
I lay there in the MRI scanner and knew that all my urges were getting harder and harder to control. The correct response was in my head somewhere, along with a slogan on a t-shirt I'd seen.
"Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians" I slurred, now content in the knowledge that I was off my tits.
Then I remembered. The clause on the end of the waiver.
"I also consent to the video recording of this research, for the sole purpose of academic use and will be kept in utter confidentiality...blah blah blah nob jockey.I was being filmed, in fact I viewed the recording 2 days later and it was not a pretty sight, wouldn't have remembered half of it otherwise.
Here's the point where I regale you all with strange hallucinations I had and how the humming of the MRI machine suddenly sounded like Celine Dion making love to a pelican. But the time flew by; lying in a scanner doing cognitive tests is not that bad. It's doing normal shit. Or not doing shit, that's difficult. The stretcher slowly and smoothly took me out of the scanner and the nurse came up to me.
"That's it, we're done, take a deep breath". The nurse whispered gently into my ear
Meanwhile, my bodily functions held a revolt against my brain.
"We ain't listening to that fucker, He won't even let me masturbate on the train" my dick seemed to say. With that, I cracked a boner.
I thought I was going to be sick and my subconscious voice was singing a tune I just made up. It didn't help I couldn't stand up. It was safe to say I was not feeling at all well. The nurse helped me up, I hugged her and nestled my head over her shoulder. She seemed to sing in my ear and my body floated as if being gently carried by twenty hands and placed on a magical bed of clouds. I briefly remember a cab and getting home. I awoke the next day, tired but in a sense of calm. I was a third of my way through £750 and I got stoned for free. Life was good.
I saw Owen the project manager the day after. He gave me a friendly smile.
"Hey Owen, hope the study's going well. I was really knackered after that"
"Yeah, you looked it"
"The video of me must be pretty funny"
"Well, it has given us a good insight on a few things"
"Can I take a look?"
"Most people don't really bother, you really want to?"
I went into his office and he pulled out a tape from a pile of VHS tapes. He also gave me a stack of information about next weeks study. He popped the tape into a huge machine that resembled a cathedral
I started to giggle at myself looking dazed and saying silly things. Owen stepped out of the room. I didn't realise how long I was in the scanner for. I fast-forwarded a fair bit of it until I saw my self come out of the scanner.
"This should be funny" I thought. The nurse walked up to me. She was very cute, she had short brown hair and was petite and bounced along with confidence. Then I saw it, slowly the memory started flashing back. I saw my self laying in blue scrubs, pitching a tent in my pants for the 'use of medical research'. My memories and the reality of the events were as far apart as Mariah breasts. I was all over the place. Speech was incomprehensible and my face looked like it had won a lifetime supply of botox.
The nurse stood me up and I collapsed on her. Her 'singing' was actually a shriek, like the love child of a Barbara Streisand and a Velociraptor. I'm not exactly sure what she screamed for. Whether it was my dead weight on her or the fact that my throbbing pork sword was digging into her hip like it was looking for oil.
She was pretty strong, she must have held me up for quite a while, Owen and the other guy were probably rushing around from the control room to help her. It was the exact moment as the other two guys entered the room that it happened. I saw my self, stoned beyond recognition, Boner digging into a nurse and subsequently throwing up over her. I looked like I was taking part in an exorcism. I had blown chunks all over her covering most of her back, the side of her face and she was standing in a pool of my intestinal jus, reviewing today's menu. As Owen went to help her, round number two came up and I jettisoned the chunky cargo which elegantly glided through the air and pebble dashed his face. I thanked god he didn't have his mouth open. I turned the tape off and left the room. I didn't think I could face Owen just then.
Walking out of the hospital, I looked at the leaflets in my hand. There was a post it note attached on the front from Owen.
"12 hour fast before scanning!" He had written in block capitals.
It struck me that I had too see everyone agiain, "Fuck" was all I could say, but it pretty much summed it up. I had to go through the whole thing again. Who knows what screwed up reactions I was going to have. Maybe I didn't want to do this anymore. Maybe I should quit and keep the very little dignity I still have. Then, I looked at the leaflet and smiled, reading the title: "The effects of Ketamine Hydrochloride".
Dignity can wait.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-03 08:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy should come back
Submitted by Drawstring (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Selling youre body for money,
i love you you whore for life
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-03-14 01:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians"
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And another, for this is my new line at the bar. Thank you!
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-03-14 01:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:31:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you.
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I second that.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-14 01:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sign me up.
Submitted by disco_brad (user info) at 2006-03-14 00:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
made me giggle, deserves the +2
post the video on the net?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-13 15:35:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amusing - of course, they don't do studies on ketamine anymore, it's actually been around since World War II - the British used to give it to their fighter pilots.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-13 12:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's 'remuneration'.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-13 11:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have another
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-13 11:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliantly told!!
Submitted by Drawstring (user info) at 2006-03-13 11:15:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality! love it,
sids pork boner.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:57:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, sorry about that 0. Good stuff.
Submitted by DonkeyGums (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A Squidney classic :D
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Look out for those Typos and spelling, but otherwise a great tale, well told.
-Dave
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:35:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apologies for the retarded 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
In fact B@W
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-13 10:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you.