FUPA - The Sun's Lullaby (Love/Loss) (520 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.97 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CATAL (View user info) at 2006-03-14 01:24:58 EST
I miss the sun
The warmth of her embrace
It's so cold down here
Alone among the dust
She could always make me smile
But she never smiled for me
I'd never trade the day for night, though
Not a moment for my life
I'll miss her even more
When she goes to rest her head
Now I only have the moon
A pale reflection of the love I used to know
Sometimes I wonder why she leaves me
But I'll never really know
So I just sit and watch her fade away
Alone amidst the dark
I hate the feeling inside of me
When I wake every dawn
The palpitations
Perspirations
And desire
And I hate the feeling surrounding me
When I watch the sky at dusk
So cold and lonely
Scared almost
Naked in the night
I'll always remember her bright light rays
As they warmed my skin and soul
An inspiration that kept me living
A love that kept me up among the clouds
She'll always be my sun, my muse
Singing me sweet lullabies
But I hold no regrets
No remorse
Only hushed goodbyes
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess I'd say that this one was a bit too stream of consciousness for me. Still good though.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-21 18:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wistful. I like that even though the language was a bit too simple for me (not that simple is bad, it just seemed to lack something) it evoked some sadness in me.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-17 19:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, if anyone's interested, I'd say my pulsehead stuff is better (I'm CATAL over there). it's harder to write poetry with a specific theme in mind. i usually just write and... yeah.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not really my thing, but i can't quite nail down what's lacking so here's a +1.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-17 13:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funky rhythm but i still liked it. 1.5
Submitted by Waxinmyeye (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:21:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good, nothing much else to say.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 18:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Who loves the sun
Who cares that it is shining
Who cares what it does
Since you broke my heart"
rockitlikeamasochist.
(i.e.
you kick ass.)
i might actually take time to stroll over and read
some of your pulsehead shit...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm going to have to come back and read this again, because I'm still not sure how I feel about it. It could get a 1.5, or its score could stay the same...I'm simply not certain.
I like that this wasn't ABAB like most of the other submissions, but I think there's something about how this was presented that didn't work for me. This is not to say that I'd rather you'd placed a frame and rhyme around it and worked it out that way...there was just something about the length of the lines that left me wanting. I think I kept expecting it to break out at some point and tumble out, carrying an emotion with it. Instead it just read a little flat, but that might have as much to do with me when I read it as the words themselves. It's tricky like that, you know?
I'll come back...
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good lyric, kinda shoddy rhythm. I liked it though.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who loves the sun?
Who cares that it makes plants grow?
Who cares what it does since you broke my heart...
from the beginning I decided to treat this as an exposition even though it's a competition. when/if i get beaten i'll keep posting the themes, i don't particulary care who wins.
and i happen to agree with you on the WOW factor. this wasn't a great poem, i just wrote it and posted it. i'm not gonna get hung up and spend too long trying to prepare. poetry is just a form of expression and this just came to me. it's not my best, but whatever. the twos ways to get good at poetry are 1) read poetry, and A LOT of poetry, and 2) write poetry, and A LOT of poetry.
so to everyone out there, I encourage you all to keep writing no matter what anyone says or how they review you or whatever. you'll get better, but more importantly, you should write poetry for yourself first, and others second.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 16:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
YOU LOVE THE SUN? HAHAHAHAHA!!
Just kidding. Hadn't planned to rate yours but since you hit me up I'll reciprocate(sp?) The first time I read this i missed the object of your affection. I don't know if it was simply a matter of me not reading it as thouroughly as I thought I had or I simply didn't grasp it from what I was given.
More importantly though I have to go with ess-arr, while this is nice and fairly written it is somewhat unengaging. I've never really tried poetry aside from some dogrels on this site so take my review for what it's worth. It's not technically over but unless O-man removes the drive bys or a miricale happens it's all yours. congrats. B
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
as simon says wheres the WOW factor..
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 18:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-14 13:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dRIVE bY
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This contest might be the death of Uber.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 08:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Short but sweet.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-03-14 01:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was alright
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-14 01:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-14 01:33:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, this was pretty damn good.
Props for being the first one out the gate, too. That's some chutzpah.
You should also link TO this post FROM the competition page.
---------
Haha - accidentally placed this review on the competition page because I was checking to see if you'd put a link on there.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-14 01:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85248