FUPA Round I (Love/Loss)- Headlights (521 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: Comp
Rating: 0.91 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chris Parthemos <goferforhire.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-14 01:54:07 EST
Arms like searching beams of light enfold,
And crush me like a coming car.
Their owner under the influence,
Intoxicated, impaired of judgement.
'What are you on?' They asked.
The reply, slurred and garbled, was
'Wildflowers blooming in median strips,
Fog on bridges and scenic routs,
Spreading fields on the side of the road.'
'Oh' was the awkward reply,
And 'Can that be tested?'
'What need have I of testing,' she
Stuttered, 'I know my mind and you
Know that I am on something you are not'
Their efforts were swiftly abandoned.
And so, unhindered by the opinions
Of those who sought to keep her mind
Free of any sort of mind-altering
Substance- 'Is it legal?'
'Only if you are married' *Giggle*-
She drove on, only to find me
Similarly impaired, wandering
As if asking to be the victim.
And so we collided, star-crossed
I with my feet was plowed,
Smashed, crushed, sprayed on the road
Bent under the strain of her madly
Cavorting and frolicking vehicle
-Oh my God, are you alright-
-Never better dear-
Tell me is that a light I see there,
At the end of the tunnel?
I was hit by her, drunk as she
Was, intoxicated though she was,
She managed to hit me, one man
Alone, similarly stoned on the street.
The collision was beautiful,
A spray of bright colors flying
Red splashing through the crisp
Night air and staining the midnight
Tar with the honeybee lines.
I would not have sacrificed it,
The sight of my body, broken,
Spinning seemingly lazily away.
I wish I could do it again, and
Perhaps, if our toxin of choice
Is still on tap, we will.
I will stand and wait
On the road
Hoping that she, drunk,
Will catch me in her headlights again
User Reviews
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-06-20 03:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to get me banned
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead of 1, I'll go with 2 (this is better than a .76 on 19 reviews).
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-21 18:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this better after I read it through a few times. Something about the language seemed a little too sterile for me, but I liked your creative form and some of the lines were really great.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
too long-winded
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:27:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was a good piece, though the language you chose to use struck me as a bit odd.
you should have written it in something closer to your own vernacular
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 18:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no never mind, on another reveiw of it, the puncuation isn't so as bad as
i had thought the second read through....
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 18:48:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
however, your punctuation pisses me off.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 18:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm ok with that.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed this.
The section that starts with "I was hit by her" was just great (though I found 'toxin of choice' to be a bit awkward).
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually liked this one quite a bit. I like the presentation of the feeling. It's pretty cool. that is all.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
W/R
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-14 19:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+.5
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 18:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so, you did a hit and run with your penos????????
Submitted by midwesternknight (user info) at 2006-03-14 17:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty Good
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wow, this contest was a big mistake.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 07:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I quite enjoyed this.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this didn't particularly wow me. i know this is a competition and all, but i'm honestly just gonna treat it a an exhibition (observing all the rules of the competition though).
I'd give this a +.5 if i could.
it wasn't bad, but i didn't think it was exceptionally good either. good effort.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-03-14 02:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-03-14 01:55:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85248