FUPA Round 1 - She Moves (714 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.94 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stagger Lee (View user info) at 2006-03-14 02:58:58 EST
When she moves, oh my lord, how she moves
She's all living grace and fire
And it takes all o' my blood to prove
That I'll stick here by her side
And when she moves up above my hips
I think I can see the truth
I could compress it all into this
It's all in the way she moves
So you know that things have come to pass
When all I can see is she
I hear all the beauty in her laugh
And the way she looks at me
And I'm captivated by her stride
I'm enamoured with her grace
And I'm captivated by her eyes
And the way her fingers trace
I'm in awe of the way that she lives
Seizing each moment as if
It truly could be her last to give
Her existence is a gift
So when all the warmth is snuffed from us
When the last of her fire dies
You'll never catch me crying my loss
There'll be no tears in these eyes
'Cause I'll know that I was truly bless'd
That I had someone like she
Because if truth be truly confessed
She could do better than me
So while I can, I count my blessings
So I'll lay on you some truth
All the rest is mere window dressing
It's all in the way she moves
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-10 09:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
super!
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2007-05-10 00:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-21 02:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like you, but Orgasmatron does.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Piss stain.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 19:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked the parts in the middle. Using "she" as an object threw me a bit though (just a personal preference).
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-21 18:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this, Stagger- nice flow, nice writing.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
SHE BANGS SHE BANGS SHE BANGS!!!!
SHE MOVES SHE MOVES SHE MOVES!!!!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-20 13:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 16:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this was a good effort.
i've had a lot of trouble ranking everyone's entries.
o well, they can -2 me whenever i post mine.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
despite shitty structure,
enjoyable.
"we're slaves to the dj and out of control"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Is this William Hung???
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nevermind the waiting, this is getting a 1.5.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 13:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I might bump this up to a 1.5, depending on how I find myself rating the other competitors.
And because I'm starting out with you, so I may not hit my rating stride just yet.
I found this to be satisfactory, but not compelling. I really love the idea of examining the way a woman moves, but I think you could have done a lot more with it. In fact, I think you could have just focused on that and not wrapped everything up at the end...not that you were telling a story per se, but you put a certain frame around the piece when you could have just let it run like water.
That said, though, I did enjoy this.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It's not half bad, but it's not... I don't know, it doesn't evoke anything, there are no clear litle snapshot images that move me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 18:36:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
she bangs, she bangs
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate poetry
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 09:02:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think your prose is clearly stronger. This was a solid 1 for me, as the poem flowed well, but I just didn't feel the "heart" behind it to captivate me and pull me into the verses. Kind of like window shopping and never being able to really touch what you see. Without that sense of kinesthesia, it just isn't a "kicker of all ass."
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CATAL: yeah, I'm not really sure how to write poetry at all, so I just went with a forced structure and rhyme, and sort of hoped for the best.
Geordie bastard: you're just jealous of my lifetime rating :-)
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:39:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
0.5
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm actually a big fan of the way women move. You can tell a lot from the gentle sway of their hips. I'm not sure if you managed to capture the essence here. Sorry.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hey, it's OK
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*don't force them
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't like strictly following ryhme schemes or anything like that in poetry. i don't like too much structure (although my own submission was pretty structured) or forced ryhmes. if a ryhme comes, use it. but force them.
i liked this though. i prefer pulse's five point scale.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Competition link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/85248
Thanks for reading supa.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
did not appeal to me, but it was a good effort