Me, Chuck Norris, Richie Benaud, Rob Zombie and Bert Newton and how they saved the Gold Coast from terrorists. (727 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.31 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by hooch (View user info) at 2006-03-14 03:24:46 EST
Death.
It awaits all of us.
100 years from now, everyone who has read this story will be dead.
Some of us will die in cars. Others will die naturally. Some of us may even be murdered.
Scary, isn't it.
Although, death will come a lot sooner if you're a foot soldier of an evil tycoon who dares challenge me and my crime fighting partner, Chuck Norris.
Story, begin.
It was a cool and overcast day in the Muz, and me and Chuck had just returned from the cold depths of Glasgow, Scotland where we fought tooth and nail to save the world again, this time by sending Franz Ferdinand to a watery grave.
Chuck looked at the calendar, the date was February 13.
"Valentine's day tomorrow." He remarked. Not showing any favour to or against Valentine's day. "What have you got the missus?" He asked me.
"We don't make a big deal out of Valentine's day," I told him. "It's really only a Hallmark holiday, so I've got her some chocolates and a teddy bear, this one has hearts on it, you know, to signify love and all that good stuff. Plus it's our anniversary not long after so we tend to make that a special day, since it actually means something."
Chuck gulped down his stein of pure absinth. I could tell I was slightly boring him so I asked him, "What about you, what have you got for Mrs Norris?"
"Well..." said Chuck, while picking bits of glass from his breakfast out of his teeth, "Some things are best kept secret."
"Come on Chuck, you can tell me, after all, we are crime fighting partners."
"Okay then, well here's what I'm going to do, first of all, I grab a porcelain banana..."
Chuck's story was drowned out by the sound of the crime chime. Our loud alarm that went off when some shit was going down. I looked at Chuck, his beard was fantastically trimmed today, and dryly said, "Well back to work hey."
Chuck smiled through his beard at me, put on a cowboy hat and loaded his 12 gauge. As we moved towards the door he picked up some hand grenades and swallowed them, to be regurgitated if needed at a later time and laughed to me, "'Bout time somebody needed some killing."
In our crime fighting Escalade, we did our seat belts up and switched on our computer to dial up and see what news the chief had for us.
I switched it over to Channel 6 and there waiting for us was our agency's chief, Mr T.
"Listen up men, fools all over the Gold Coast are getting their shit ruined by a huge clan of foot soldiers." Mr T informed us with a very solemn look on his face. "They are wearing camel flags and mesh masks and as such, we have so far been unable to identify who they are or where they're from."
At what seemed an inappropriate time, Chuck began chuckling. "Camel flags you say? You sure it isn't camouflage?"
Mr T looked irritated, "Shuddup fool!" Mr T cleared his throat to reiterate himself, "They are wearing camouflage, with mesh masks. Now I have only assigned you two to this mission, since only one other team was willing to take it, but they are currently working on another assignment. So there'll be no one stepping on your toes, which will be good. We don't want a repeat of your incident with Bert Newton & Rob Zombie now do we?"
"No sir." I replied, not wanting to further annoy Mr T, even if it was Chuck's favourite past time.
"Good luck fools." Mr T added.
"We won't need it," Chuck assured him, "Later T man!" Chuck powered off the computer, he must have been focussed on the mission because he didn't even download 1 byte of porn before he switched it off. He'd usually have 100 MB by now.
"So who do you think is behind it all?" I enquired.
"I honestly don't know."
"The Gold Coast is a big tourist destination, so it may even be someone from overseas."
"Stop the car."
I was a little surprised at his abrupt direction but I did it anyway, as you do when Chuck tells you to do something. Chuck got out of the car and knelt down to the dirt beside the road. He dipped his finger in it and then tasted it.
"Well, they're Aussie alright." Chuck told me. He tasted a bit more sand. "They're as Aussie as a meat pie."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, one hundred percent sure."
His ability to know nearly anything by tasting sand where things have happened only reinforced my decision from 2 years ago to leave my old crime fighting partner, Keanu Reeves, for Chuck. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with Keanu, he knows kung fu and makes a mean stir-fry. But he's no Chuck Norris.
I jumped in the driver's seat. "Wanna get back in the car sandman?" I yelled to Chuck. He jumped back in the Escalade as we headed off to our secret meeting place, where we would switch vehicles and meet with the Prime Minister, Sir Richie Benaud.
We pulled in to the long driveway and drove up towards the building of our secret meeting place. We were to get our mission briefing here, by none other than Richie, and also our ride, as Mr T calls it, would be switched and fitted out with weapons. I guess you could say our ride was getting pimped.
We were greeted inside by the minister of defence, Sgt Steve Silvagni.
"Hi guys, follow me through and I'll give you your mission briefing."
I was a little confused, "Isn't Mr Benaud giving us our briefing?" I asked him.
"He's ah... unavailable right now." Steve replied. I shrugged my shoulders, Chuck returned a confused face and we proceeded to receive our dossiers and briefing.
After a long mission briefing, we departed from Sgt Silvagni and loaded up on guns and shit. Our Escalade had been replaced with a Hummer. It looked grouse, and I knew I was going to enjoy driving that piece of machinery.
We had just finished loading all our supplies in the car when Sgt Silvagni came to give us our farewells. He had a depressed look on his face.
"Good luck out there gentlemen, you'll need it."
"Thanks." We replied.
"There is something I must tell you two though," he continued, "Mr Benaud is not actually unavailable, he was murdered this morning on the way here. Snipers. They took him out with one shot..."
We were in shock. Our greatest Prime Minister, and once our greatest cricket commentator, was murdered. I could see Chuck's anger rising in him. Being a master of martial arts and all that Jap shit though, he kept it very well in check. I, on the other hand, nearly cried. Fuck, Richie was an Aussie hero. Ok, I'm done grieving. Time to go kick some foot soldier arse.
"Do it for Richie." Silvagni said as we were leaving. I turned and gave him a 2 finger military salute, for no real reason other than it'll look good when they make this into a movie.
Most of the drive to the Gold Coast was silent. Neither of us felt like talking. While I was driving Chuck spent a lot of time adding his own specific modifications to the car. While the hummer was thundering along at speeds in excess of 120 KMH, Chuck was hanging on the back installing rocket launchers and sitting on the front installing assault rifles. Finally, after he had decked out the Hummer into somewhat of a weapon of mass fuck you up, he slid back into his passenger seat. He looked out to the horizon in front of us. "You know something?" He said poignantly. "Avenging Richie's death isn't to way to go into battle. We have to fight for good, not revenge."
"Yeah I know."
"We can't go into battle having our minds clouded."
"Yeah I know."
"As bad as it sounds we must forget about Sir Benaud for the next 24 hours."
"Yeah I know."
"It still won't stop me from killing every one of those scumbags that comes near me."
"Man I'm totally craving a chicken fillet burger."
"Let's go get this asshole!"
"Yeah."
"How long 'till we get there?" He asked me.
"We're nearly there," I said, realising that I'd already written 2 pages of size 10 Times New Roman, 1386 words, and should probably get the story finished off soon.
We arrived at the Gold Coast just after 9pm. The sun had recently set, and the shrill sounds of machine gun fire and bombs filled the air. We put our black suits on, so as to blend in to the nightlife, and fired the hummer up again. We took off, speeding through the streets firing at anything and everything, all the civilians were either in captivity or inside, and those that are outside at a time like this deserve to be mowed down. After 20 or so minutes, the guns on the Hummer ran out of ammo. Me and Chuck dove into the back of the Hummer and loaded up on guns and shit.
As we sat behind the rear door of the Hummer, we did that knuckle thing where you clench your fist and sorta punch the other dude's. You know the one.
"Good luck partner." Chuck said.
"Fuck luck Chuck." I insisted, "This is all skill man!" And with that I kicked the door open and we dove out into the street. I started blasting mofos left, right and centre with my assault rifle. The gunners were easy to take out with my scope. After blasting what would have been atleast 200 of them, the foot soldiers moved in. I was like the dude from Kung Fu Master for the Atari. If you haven't played it then you should, but he just takes waves and waves of suckas and kicks their heads in. I was that dude. They were easy to take at first, and after a few difficult hand to hand combats, I emerged victorious with only a scratch to left side of my face. My area had been neutralised, and it was off to find Chuck.
I headed to where he Chuck was but he was gone. I followed the trail of destruction usually left behind by Chuck. I eventually found him roundhouse kicking dickheads on the steps of the Casino, where it was believed the leader was hiding. I arrived just as he put the last guy out to pasture.
"Hey." He said as he saw me, and started combing his beard with one of his victim's ribcages.
"Hey, you ready to find out who's behind all this?"
"You better believe it."
I headed towards the door and Chuck followed, right after he spat out another victim's skull that he was chewing on.
We got to the doors of the casino, they were great big mahogany doors. No match for us though. We low fived, and kicked the door down with one swift kick. Well two kicks, since we both kicked it, but we only kicked it once each and that was simultaneous. You know what I mean.
We entered the casino slowly. It was dead quiet and looked as though a tornado had ripped through it. Tables were overturned, chips were strewn about the floor and blackjack dealers laid lifeless in the fountain.
"Crikey," I exclaimed. There weren't any other words that truly fitted it. Suddenly, we heard footsteps. If you could call them that. They were more like small claps of thunder, who ever was in charge of this shemozzle was one big fucker. We turned in time to see him crash through the upstairs VIP room wall, and take stance on the huge balcony that overlooked the bottom floor where we were.
The dust settled and we were finally going to see who was behind it all, who had plotted to take over Australia, and who authorised the murders of so many Queenslanders. Not that Queenslanders are worth a shit, but the whole taking over Australia part isn't cool. As the last of the dust settled I finally got a good look at him. And I could not believe my eyes.
"This is impossible!" I yelled to Chuck
"Obviously not," Chuck yelled back. "It's happening!"
There was no doubt over who it was, just why he was here. Or even more so, how he was here.
"He's dead!" I yelled again, still not wanting to believe it was happening. "We fucking killed him!"
There was no doubt that it was who I thought it was though. The shiny flag shirt, the black slacks, the short white hair, the big head, it was none other than Big Kev.
Chuck was in the zone though. "Let's worry about that later," he said. "After we kill him dead this time."
"You should have watched me and made sure I died!" He yelled, followed by an evil laugh. "Now you two will pay for your arrogance with your lives! Ahahahaha! Am I excited? Oh fuck yes I'm excited!"
Chuck fired off a shot from his shotgun. It grazed Kev's ear. Kev went nuts. "Fuck you Chuck! You shot me in the fuckin' ear you nutcase!"
Chuck aimed again. This time he blasted his pellets right into Kev's gut. Kev reeled a bit, like he'd been punched, not shot.
Kev laughed, "It'll take more than that!"
I pulled my rocket launcher out and aimed at his head. I had a perfect shot lined up, and pulled the trigger. Somehow, it was as if he was in bullet time, he dodged my rocket with seconds to spare. I'd never seen anyone dodge so fast. For a fat prick this bastard sure could move. My rocket hit the wall behind him, taking a good portion of what was left away.
We continued to blast away at his chest and gut but nothing would take any long term effect. Every time we shot a rocket, or aimed a bullet at his head he would seemingly easily dodge it. He was even dodging machine gun fire at his head. It was unbelievable.
We were fast running out of ammo, and Big Kev was starting to go red in the face. And you know it's never good when fat people go red in the face. Unless it's Santa, cos that means he pulled a root and is going to be generous come Christmas.
Then it happened. My last gun stopped firing. I was out of ammo. Mere seconds later, Chuck suffered from the same fate. There we were, no weapons, about to face off with Big Kev. Kev saw our plight and lol'd.
"Now, I'm afraid it's time to die." Kev said softly. He squatted down a bit and then jumped off the balcony where he was standing, and landed only metres in front of us. We were doomed.
Kev straightened himself out after his landing and pulled a giant machete out from behind his back.
"So..." Kev started, "Which one of you wants to go first?"
We were both speechless, but then we heard a voice say "How 'bout you?"
Kev's eyed widened and a split second later there was a gunshot, and a bullet went straight through the left temple of Kev's head and out the right one. It sprayed brainial matter and blood and all sorts of shit out of the right side of his head. He slumped to his knees, already dead, and then fell face first in front of our feet.
We were stunned, after we got over the initial shock, we looked to our right to see who our saviour was. Standing there with a sniper rifle still cocked, with smoke simmering out of the tip, was Rob Zombie, with Bert next to him with his assault rifle, ready for backup.
"Thank fuck for you guys!" Chuck said, relieved.
"No problem." Said Rob.
Bert walked over to the fallen Big Kev and stood above him. "You know, we should make sure he's dead before we leave."
"Good thinkin' Bert" I said.
Bert pointed his rifle at Kev's head (what was left of it) and emptied his magazine into it.
"I think he's dead now." Chuck observed.
"No doubt." Rob replied.
I looked at my watch, "It's quarter to twelve," I said, "If we hurry we can still catch Letterman."
As we made our way out of the destroyed casino, Chuck torched the lifeless body of Big Kev. We piled into Rob's car, Dragula, and headed home to watch Letterman and get some well needed rest before the next person tries to take over shit.
Story, end.
User Reviews
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-14 23:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-03-14 22:51:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I liked it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 18:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
great, ANOTHER stupid fuckin Australian, that's just what we need around here.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto Chuck Norris -2
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fuck luck Chuck"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I said this aloud and my computer exploded
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2006-03-14 08:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The mention of Sgt Steve Silvagni and Sir Richie Benaud guaranteed you a +2 for this post.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-03-14 07:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chuck Norris is so badass that he died 10 years ago and the Grim Reaper doesn't have the balls to tell him.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-03-14 06:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF, I'm not reading all that.
I laughed aloud at "fuck yes, I'm fucking excited." I always knew the fat fuck wanted to swear.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-03-14 06:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this but Auto +2 Richie Benaud.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-14 06:04:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The first half was rather meh and I couldn't see it improving.
You should probably get a point for Benaud but I'd still be reading the Hardy Boys if I enjoyed this level of writing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-14 05:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 04:52:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-14 04:49:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding. A nice laugh on a monday morning.
---
What Berty said, except I can tell what day it is.
--------------------
Berty clearly has no credibility.
*weeps*
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2006-03-14 04:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A strange coming together of american and australian, but somehow it worked. Big Kev as a baddie trying to take oevr australia is a bit hard to accept, and SOS as a sarge mmmmm. prime minister richie benaud was inspired however.
Its a pity so few will get this.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 04:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-14 04:49:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding. A nice laugh on a monday morning.
---
What Berty said, except I can tell what day it is.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-14 04:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding. A nice laugh on a monday morning.
Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:54:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:45:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sum crazy foo's want to talk jibba jabba to Mr T's team - they best get ready for a throwing suckah!
***
yeah right, nigger gonna try and tell me he can read too
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange, but I liked it.
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2006-03-14 03:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sum crazy foo's want to talk jibba jabba to Mr T's team - they best get ready for a throwing suckah!