Learning can be fun (plus oily massage) (1144 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.69 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alex DeWitt <alex.dewitt.at.ntlworld.com> (View user info) at 2006-03-14 10:44:30 EST
A couple of months ago Sid and I enrolled on an introductory course to anatomy, physiology and massage. Excited and eager to absorb new knowledge we arrived at the first lesson. I was a bit nervous that in 'serious' situations like this I would uncontrollably burst out laughing for no apparent reason. I would be fine on my own, but whenever Sid is around, we end up making any situation into a ridiculous farce. My fears turned into reality.
The Motley Crue in the classroom was assembled, and we were given slips of paper folded into a V shape and asked to write our names on them, then stand them on the table in front of us. I scrawled my name, and was waiting for the last guy to finish, but the screeching of the white board marker on paper lasted for what seemed like, and what turned out to actually be, minutes. The guy next to him looked at the slip and realised he was writing on it upside down, so it would have to be balanced on its point for the name to be readable. He said "you're writing it upside down mate", and the other guy, without looking up or pausing, just chuckled in a deep tone "he-he-he". It was completely bizarre. Eventually he finished writing his name and it was about 21 letters long, something like 'Visanatharapreshtikan'. He spent a while trying to balance the name badge on its edge, before exclaiming " He-he. I wrote it upside down". That was the trigger. This guy didn't seem to realise that everyone was waiting for him to complete this task, and the course hadn't even started yet. He turned the paper the right way up and wrote 'Paul' on it, then stood the name badge in front of him, chuckling in a heavy accent "You can call me Paul instead. He-he".
This was the tip of the iceberg of the debacle which ensued. The teacher explained a bit about the course we would be doing, saying it was a very simple 10 week introduction. She asked if there were any questions, and a cross eyed, fat woman, ear lobes extended under the weight of gold hoop earrings, put her hand up and said, in a thick Irish accent "Will der be much wroitin'? Only Oi did a cookery course last term and oi had tey give et up as et was very academic"
"Well...there will be a couple of forms to fill out, and a couple of simple quizzes and that's it" replied the teacher.
With that the woman gathered her bags, stood up, and walked out of the room saying "dat sounds too academic fer may".
The first lesson began. It was about the cells of the body. The teacher was talking about 'mitochondria', and was enthusiastically explaining that some books called it 'mitochondria', whilst other called it 'mitochondrian', and that one was the Americanized version of the word. The rest of the room was nodding solemnly, whilst Sid and I were repressing fits of hysterics. We were probably the only people in the room, who knew that a) the 'ch' in the middle of the word was pronounced as a 'k' sound, and b) mitochondria is the plural of mitochondrian. It was at this point that Sid decided not to tell the teacher that he had a masters in medical biochemistry. Hell, even my GCSE biology was a leap ahead of the stuff we were supposed to be learning.
The teacher asked if there were any questions. Big mistake. One of the students asked how the mitochondria transferred energy around the cells. The teachers reply is engraved in my mind as follows:
"Wel...er...erm...that's part of the miracle of life really...there are just some things that science can never find out....its all a bit of a mystery...like babies...being born...and DNA, chromosomes, genes...no-one really knows how it all works"
Sid added "actually it's a chemical called ATP..."
The first half of the course was dedicated to theory on how the body works, and was like a cross between 'Carry on doctor' and 'Noddy goes to town'. The teacher lacked even a modicum of knowledge about even the simplest area she was supposed to be 'teaching'. One lesson, she asked us to give examples of the properties of bones, and Visanatharapreshtikan, or Paul, said "elbow, he-he-he", to which the teacher replied "no...they're not edible". Although we didn't learn anything, and the rest of the class learnt stuff that was wrong, we saw it as a cheap stand up comedy club, as every lesson our ribs would ache from laughing at the antics of the other disparate class members, and the incompetent rants of the teacher.
Eventually, we progressed onto the practical part of the course: massage. We stripped off and oiled up. Every lesson was spent praying that we wouldn't crack a boner. It's like a viscous circle, the more you think about it the more you think you are going to pop one. Even when the extremely unattractive teacher demonstrated on me, the apprehension that I might turgidify in front of the whole class made it that much harder to repel the boner. In any normal situation, her abrasive hands pulling the flesh from my scapula whilst 10 people spectated would not have been arousing, but at the time it felt like Angelina Jolie had invited me to her private boudoir where she lavished my senses with her supple palms. God only knows what would have happened if the teacher had actually been a hottie.
'Paul' could never quite grasp the principles of massage, chuckling like a demented 5 year old as he poured sweet almond oil over his partners back, and struggled to get to grips with the frictionless surface he had created. Watching him beat the petite woman he had partnered up with was like watching King Kong trying to catch a fish, with his huge hands flying into the nearby trolley as they were propelled off the oil slick by his violent technique. "You are relaxed? He he he" Paul asked her. Her reply was convulsive as the breath was forced suddenly from her lungs by his pounding fists.
One particularly oily session, Sid was off, and I had partnered up with another guy instead. We were having a break after he had just massaged me. We were standing outside chatting, when he started telling me about the 'warm white light coming out of his body' when he gave a massage. He said "do you know what I mean?", and I nodded understandingly, whilst shuffling back a pace or two, yearning to get home and scrub my body. He continued to say that he loved the healing, loving, spiritual feeling when he laid his hands on another person, then he started actually crying! I couldn't wait for the break to be over so I wouldn't have to awkwardly listen to this guys emotional outburst. I thought 'Christ, I wonder what he's like after sex', then the gayness of this thought ensured I would not raise my flag pole for the remainder of that session.
It was a class of misfits, but there was a diamond in the rough. Next to the girl whose thighs touched when her feet pointed to opposite poles, with wiry hair coming from under the towel, was a young girl of magical proportions. Slim, but not skinny, and with bamboombolous breasts! Yes I invented that word especially! One lesson I was lying down receiving massage and she was laying right in my field of view. Her flowing hair, and innocent, deep brown eyes, connecting with mine. Her barely concealed nipples poking at the white cotton, her heaving bosom suppressed against the leather of the table. DARGH!!! I felt the blood rush to my little head and a siren and red flashing light played in my head. Luckily I was laying on my front, but time was fast running out. I played through the most unsexy images in my mind, "chairs...wood, ARGH, no...um...Arnold Schwarzenegger, man he's buff, ARGH!" The massage came to an end and I still had more wood than Wickes. I grabbed my clothes and used them to shield my member as I hurried into the toilet to change.
At the beginning, middle and end of the course we had to complete a self assessment, followed by the teachers assessment. At the start Sid and I both assessed ourselves as knowing a fair bit about biology, but not much about massage, but in her assessment, the teacher lowered our score, even though we knew more than her. By the end our self assessments had been inverted, with our knowledge of biology being corrupted, whilst our massage technique had improved, and again the teacher contradicted us and altered our marks, trying to hit some kind of target, probably. The one benefit of the course is that to this day talking about massage is a great conversation opener in bars, especially when a practical demonstration is requested.
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-15 05:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-03-15 04:52:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2006-03-15 03:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
fag
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 16:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:39:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am concerned that anyone would sign up for a course to oil up another man and then to rub them.
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Yeah!
and, erm, what school was this again mate@?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-03-14 14:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-03-14 14:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
needed more description of the hot girl, or the hilarious events that went on.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bamboombolous
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey, wake up and smell the roses, this is the noughties were living in!
Rubbing an oily man is a small price to pay to learn the lifelong art of seducing women through massage.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oily men: attn: ghey.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am concerned that anyone would sign up for a course to oil up another man and then to rub them.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:33:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A little hard to read but entertaining, so solid 1.5.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could almost see her...
*hardon*
Oh, and 'turgidify' ain't no word, dawg.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In high school I attended math courses at the local junior college. The teachers were actually quite competent because its a quality school but the students were fuckwits. They made me feel like Einstein. Now my classmates just make me feel like a stoner. It's a sad transition. But good story. Very funny.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The fact that you actually missed Sid when he was out and somehow working up a boner when a dude is massaging you screams faggot.
Submitted by Smooth_Shoes (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic. I remember when Paul got the shits during the first lesson.
Was a great course, story is even better!
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:12:43 (#)
Ranking: 1
What kind of sink estate college do you and your over-qualified friend attend?
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it was a subsidised course run by the local council authrity. The teacher was appalling at the biology side of things, but pretty good at the massage. They obviously couldnt find someone who was good at both...or they never had any students before who would actually question what is taught!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What kind of sink estate college do you and your over-qualified friend attend?
Submitted by DonkeyGums (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! One of the first Ubersite posts I've actually laughed out loud in the office, well done sir :)
Submitted by Drawstring (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its beautiful, as are the massages :)
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck, I probably should be reading up about ATP and shit. Some of that bollocks is bound to come up in my exams...stupid compulsary physiology course!