FUPA Round 1 - Maculation (588 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2006-03-14 10:49:00 EST
In silence, sitting, waiting, I shiver,
I know that you will come to meet me soon.
Footsteps lightly sound, treading the bleached carpet,
And moments later you wait outside my room.
Waiting...
...waiting...
...waiting for the right moment.
A subtle knock and you're there, to stay.
I shouldn't answer but I do so anyway.
Helpless to say no, I open the door,
And there you stand. With that look I've seen before.
You reach your hand to stifle my scream,
Forcing me back into the dimly lit apartment.
Reaching to wrench away from your grip,
I look into your eyes, and they soften with a glint.
"I never meant to hurt you," slips a whisper from between your lips.
Maybe it'll be different this time, yes, maybe.
Not like the last, whence, forced down by fingertips,
I fought to resist the pleasures of your clay.
Stretching a leg and closing the door with a foot,
Then turning to lock the bolt, I take a step back in
hesitation.
"Please, for me," you utter, turning back to face me,
"I can't bear to be apart from you, l'amour."
Seduction, a kiss so sweet, and we retreat,
To the bedroom of the loss from weeks before.
Or was it a loss? Perhaps something more complex.
Love, loss, or merely sinful copulation, I've been through it all with you, my ex.
Wrenching my arm behind my back, as you press me to the chaise,
I know what comes next, and remove my clothes in haste.
Urging...thrusting...straining...fighting...
...submitting...
...and, finally, an explosion of viscous heat envelops our bodies.
Somehow you always get what you desire, even when I refuse.
And yet, I can't complain, because you're the one I choose.
Maculated, laying on the bed, I lose myself in thought.
As you dress and depart, my mind races to catch up with my flesh.
Forty minutes later, dressed and huddled in the corner,
The door swings open again.
But this time it's my savior.
"Are you okay?" he says, stooping down to stroke my hair,
I look into his eyes and he knows instantly who was here.
"Oh, God," he whispers. "Oh, God...I'm so sorry."
"I told you he would come," I whisper in self-pity, and fear.
"I told you, but you left anyway."
Drawing me close to him, my sole friend asks,
"But why didn't you try to stop him? You knew...and yet..."
He trails off, bewildered, hugging me.
"Because it felt good?" I shrug my shoulders, still upset.
"Oh, Ally..." he replies, feeling sorry for my state.
As I reach inside my pocket for the razor, to take away the pain,
He swats it out of my hand and reprimands me,
"No! You can't do that."
"Then stay all night and keep me sane."
"Please...hold me..." I cry, desperate for love.
"My loss is his gain, but we're like hand in glove."
So he stays, holding me in silence, sitting, waiting.
Perhaps you will come again to meet me soon.
And then, to your attacks, I'll be immune.
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-22 18:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-16 23:21:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Waxinmyeye (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:24:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
long read, got a bit bored, but it seemed good
------------------------------------------------------------------
GOD DAMN WHAT IS IT WITH THE FUCKING ALTERS AND THIS FUPA CONTEST
------------------------------------------------------------------
I know what you mean. Plus, I liked this enough to go with a 2, not just to make up for the alters.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-03-19 19:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-03-19 18:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad I decided to rate most of these until I had a chance to reread.
I liked this much better the second time. I think in this case the odd formatting actually added to it for me.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-18 13:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i change my mind. i give it a 1.5
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-03-17 11:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
this was a good concept, but your word choice was really off in some places.
the concise nature of it begs careful word choice.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-16 23:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Waxinmyeye (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:24:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
long read, got a bit bored, but it seemed good
------------------------------------------------------------------
GOD DAMN WHAT IS IT WITH THE FUCKING ALTERS AND THIS FUPA CONTEST
Submitted by Waxinmyeye (user info) at 2006-03-16 19:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
long read, got a bit bored, but it seemed good
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 18:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
it falls short of it's potential
(this is caused in part by word choice, so says my
poetry expert)
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-03-16 18:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent except...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-16 15:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:20:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to read this again when I'm not at work.
I thought the presentation and subject matter were great, but I'm on the fence with some of the language that was used. However, I can't properly focus on it with ringing phones and coworkers interrupting me.
Would be easier if it wasn't all long and deep. WHY CAN'T YOU WRITE SOMETHING LESS ENGAGING, AND SHORTER?? DAMN YOU, SPACE MONKEY.
---------------------------------------------------
I'LL USE WHATEVER LANGUAGE I WANT, AS LONG AS I LIKE, YOU INTERGALACTIC ICHTHYOID.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-16 14:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to read this again when I'm not at work.
I thought the presentation and subject matter were great, but I'm on the fence with some of the language that was used. However, I can't properly focus on it with ringing phones and coworkers interrupting me.
Would be easier if it wasn't all long and deep. WHY CAN'T YOU WRITE SOMETHING LESS ENGAGING, AND SHORTER?? DAMN YOU, SPACE MONKEY.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-03-15 20:25:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-15 19:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rethought this
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-15 11:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there you go
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-03-15 09:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
different style... solid 1.5
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2006-03-14 19:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the style of this poem, though I thought there was a little too much dialogue. It was good, but I felt there was something missing to it.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-03-14 18:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good poem to go with the story you told me.
Submitted by midwesternknight (user info) at 2006-03-14 16:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, flowed really well, also told a story which seems lacking in most poetry
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 15:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 15:37:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
...and like a thunderbolt, he farts.
------------------------------------------
Huh?
What on earth does that have to do with my raped friend?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 15:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
...and like a thunderbolt, he farts.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 13:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Incidentally, there are not very many good words that rhyme with "love."
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this Thorns.
I was wondering if anyone was going to go for a more freeform style, like you did. I like it. Not sure how I'm going to tackle this contest.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:53:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
It was a unique rhyme scheme, but I thought some of the lines and words seemed a bit forced. If this wasn't in a contest, It would get +2, but for the sake of this, 1.5.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It was intended to be pure free form, with a few rhyming words here and there when plausible, but not a requirement on my part.
I think that had I written this chapter of my life in prose form, it would be a solid +2 post. But I wanted to convey more with less and went for the poetry attempt, being as I had no other good ideas for the assignment.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
recalc
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was a unique rhyme scheme, but I thought some of the lines and words seemed a bit forced. If this wasn't in a contest, It would get +2, but for the sake of this, 1.5.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs less poetry.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Based on a true life incident. I was the "savior" in the scenario.
I've been meaning to write about it on Uber for some time now and this seems to be the appropriate frame in which to finally do it.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:55:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't bring myself to write something as gay as this.
I'm going to have to be creative, which is one of my strong suits.
/sarcasm off
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 10:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FUPA Round 1 contest link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/85248