So your woman faked her orgasm. What do you do now? (1964 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.31 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2006-03-14 11:29:14 EST
The obvious answer to this is "Who cares?", but that's neither funny nor true. As a man, we all like to hope that our special lady / fuck buddy / random pub slut is being kept happy. If she's being satisfied sexually, she's more likely come back for more.
No doubt there are some of you who will scoff, "My girl doesn't NEED to fake it with me." Maybe your technique is great, but believe me, she still fakes it.
By now you may feel rage boiling inside you. You may be thinking "What the fuck does this guy know."
Settle down, stroke out a load of the baby batter, you tense freak, and I'll tell you all you need to know.
The first thing to understand is that almost ALL WOMEN fake it from time to time. Most probably do it on very rare occasions, and their motives for doing so will vary immensely. A small minority fake it because their partner's technique is akin to being touched up by a cheese grater. This is more prevalent in girls with young male partners.
Some young women fake it because they're not yet comfortable with their bodies or sexuality, and mentally they are not able to relax and allow themselves to have an orgasm.
Some women still fake it when they get a little older so as not to hurt her man's feelings, for example when she just isn't in a frame of mind conducive to having an orgasm. In all of these situations, almost no amount of foreplay or awesome technique will help you.
What does all of this mean?
Well, to be brutally frank, all women are fucked in the head. Their stupid, illogical views mean they think it can actually productive for them to fake the occasional orgasm. Perhaps they think this will please their man? Well, I've got news for you ladies; it is never productive to fake an orgasm.
Allow me to expand on this.
If a young man has poor technique, she should talk him through what she enjoys as he's doing it. If a man sticks his big toe in her gash and she writhes around in fake pleasure, she only has herself to blame when he does it again.
If she can't get herself into the right mental state, simply say something to him, but be tactful.
Now as we all know, there are some very obvious indicators when a woman has an orgasm. Unless she's intent on imitating the starfish in "Finding Nemo" (we all know the type), she will moan and squirm quite a bit. She may even scream in pleasure, shout somebody else's name, squeeze her thighs together and cut off the circulation to your head and tell you she's cumming.
However, all of that can be acted.
What can't be acted is her heart rate. It will increase exponentially, and depending on her complexion, the skin on her face, breasts, neck, back and/or thighs may also become flushed. Some women may even take on the mindset of a squid, and squirt a smelly liquid at you in the false belief that you are a sea lion chasing an evening meal.
THIS will tell you whether she is faking or not.
By now, you've possibly come to the conclusion that you're not going to learn anything you haven't read before. Possibly, but I urge you to read on.
Any idiot who can read FHM or a biology text book can make a woman cum regularly. Any idiot can regurgitate the telltale signs which show that she "got there". But I'm here to tell you how to handle it if she fakes it with you.
Firstly, if you suspect your girl has faked her orgasm, you need to be tactful if you want to confirm your suspicions. This is a very sensitive issue, and figuring out the best way to bring up the subject can be tricky. You can't simply spout "Ay, bitch. Why did you do that? If you ever fake that shit again I'll take a cricket bat to your ass."
My suggestion is to roll over and give her a cuddle, have a quick peek and check for flushing of her skin, and then listen to her heart rate for confirmation. The best way to do this is to stick you head either between or below her tits (so as not to squash them, apparently this is painful) and listen carefully. Anything short of a frantic paced lub-dub lub-dub, and it's pretty damn likely she's just been imitating Meg Ryan.
Having confirmed your suspicions, DO NOT REACT at all at that point. Do not let it bruise your ego. As explained earlier, women sometimes fake to try and please you, not annoy you.
It would be easy to flip out and make an accusation, start a shouting match and end up carrying her bullet riddled corpse around in the boot of your Dodge Charger for a month. But let's be realistic, the neighbours would smell that shit in a second, so you're going to need a plan B.
Personally, I'd go for the "fart and cover her head with the duvet" option. Nothing is as sweet as immediate revenge.
Having done that, wait a week, and direct the (sober!) conversation to sex. Then, bring up how you feel comfortable enough with her that you don't feel an obligation to make her cum every time you have sex. Tell her you feel like the pressure is off now, or some other similar bullshit, although you do still love seeing her cum.
You could then throw in a story about how one of your buddies had an ex who used to fake it all the time. Maybe mention that your buddy used to laugh about it because he just wished she'd say she didn't think she'd be able to cum anytime soon.
By doing this, you take the focus away from YOUR sexual relationship, and make light of another anonymous girl who "fakes it". Basically, you're manipulating her fucked up female logic into understanding that she doesn't need to fake it with you, and things will be golden.
In addition, if you should break up at any point in the future, she'll be successfully deprogrammed. Assuming all her future men can cut the mustard in the bedroom; she'll remember your little conversation and not feel the need to fake again.
And so men, go forward. Spread the word, and your seed (safety first though kids). And in 20 years from now, there'll be a generation of eager young cock-hounds who'll never fake their orgasms. Too bad you'll be too fat, old, bald and married to enjoy it!
*****Disclaimer
This post was inspired by a drunken conversation over the weekend, as opposed to any recent frustration suffered by the writer. A big fuck you is directed at any of you who reply claiming I just don't know how to please my woman.
User Reviews
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-03-15 05:14:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've said it before, and I'll etc.
Why do women think that "Every orgasm i had with you was faked!" is offensive? Surely the male response is, "Your loss, bitch, all of mine were real!". See, to me that seems like you go to a fancy restaurant with your girlfriend. You eat a big, delicious steak and you see her eat hers as well. Then, at the end of the meal, she stands up and goes "Ha! I actually didn't eat the steak! I just wrapped it in paper towels and put it on my lap!" What the fuck do i care? My meal was fucking fantastic.
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Fuck it, missed a +2.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:43:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some women may even take on the mindset of a squid, and squirt a smelly liquid at you in the false belief that you are a sea lion chasing an evening meal.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-03-16 08:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:39:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, she could be dressed up like the Marquis de Lafayette and reciting the names of Holocaust victims in a Scottish accent. As long as the sauce is shot, the experience was a success.
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That is a deeply disturbing image.
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2006-03-16 02:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It would be easy to flip out and make an accusation, start a shouting match and end up carrying her bullet riddled corpse around in the boot of your Dodge Charger for a month.
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Charger = awesome
corpse in boot = priceless
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-15 06:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-15 05:43:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Needed more Presbyterian matricide.
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Best. Review. Ever.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-15 05:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by burt_mianus (user info) at 2006-03-15 05:15:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll do the maths ozzy, you + older woman = you don't get laid very often (don't worry it'll happn one day, til then keep polishing those V-plates)
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I refer you to the disclaimer in my post burt.
And Phallic, I loved your review almost as much as I love flicking belly button lint at the homeless guy who lives in my local bus shelter.
Submitted by burt_mianus (user info) at 2006-03-15 05:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll do the maths ozzy, you + older woman = you don't get laid very often (don't worry it'll happn one day, til then keep polishing those V-plates)
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-03-15 05:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've said it before, and I'll etc.
Why do women think that "Every orgasm i had with you was faked!" is offensive? Surely the male response is, "Your loss, bitch, all of mine were real!". See, to me that seems like you go to a fancy restaurant with your girlfriend. You eat a big, delicious steak and you see her eat hers as well. Then, at the end of the meal, she stands up and goes "Ha! I actually didn't eat the steak! I just wrapped it in paper towels and put it on my lap!" What the fuck do i care? My meal was fucking fantastic.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-15 04:48:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-03-14 13:53:15 (#)
Ranking: -1
...someone just lost their virginity last weekend.
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Rrrrrrrright. I'm 25 years old, my missus (whom I live with)is 30. You do the math.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-14 14:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been pondering this and I must add an alternative to my previous answer. If she doesn't orgasm it's her fucking fault, the genetic anomally. You should shit on her chest for degrading you by faking an orgasm. Then step on her ovaries and kick her vulva to make sure that all of her parts are working correctly. Who the fuck does that pretentios little snob think she is faking an orgasm? I'll tell you what, I won't fake shitting on her chest.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-03-14 14:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'Roll over and go to sleep'.
Anything else you need answered, Ace, I'm right here for ya...
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-03-14 13:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
...someone just lost their virginity last weekend.
Fuckin-christ man, you should be able to figure your woman out without any direction. I'll concede the point that women's hot buttons are as varied as their mammaries, but there is no excuse in failing to bring her to climax.
Can't you see that premature ejaculation (if you nut before she does, you're a premature ejaculator, end of story) is the greatest asset of premature ejaculators? If you play it right, round two is inevitable and maybe this time, you'll last long enough to please her. There should be absolutely no discussion of why you weren't able to satisfy her the first time, you should already know why and be prepared NOT to make the same mistake twice.
And for all you premature ejaculators out there that are trying to tell if she faked it, stop being an ass trying to 'cuddle' with her so you can listen to her heartbeat, you fucktards. That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard. If there's even the slightest doubt that it wasn't real, IT WASN'T.
There are physical signs, but I can tell you flushed skin is not one of them. Her skin is red because you've been rubbing it raw with your lackluster performance. Unfortunately for the penially challenged reading this, I'm not listing the legitimate physical signs of a successful coital engagement because you're too recently devirginized or you're just plain lousy in the sack.
Either way, you're not entitled to the information. What's worse is, you're going to be the guy that doesn't get another call after you finally bag the girl you've been dating and any relationship that survives your initial incompetence does so because the girl you're with is settling!
After re-reading this, it comes off a little more mean than I had intended. But these sort of 'sexual advice' posts by people who have no fucking clue what they're talking about are getting on my nerves. So take a -1 instead - I feel bad enough for you already.
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-14 13:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sway (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:47:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, to be brutally frank, all women are fucked in the head"
Hehhe. Brutal.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-03-14 13:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wear night vision goggles for that, HV. It makes the tranquilizer gun more fun.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am curious to know how many people have sex in the dark.
I mean I always have the light on, just so that if she tries to sneak away I can see her better.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:16:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:51:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish my skin flushed when i came. stupid skin.
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HOW DO YOU KNO IT DOESNT UNLESS YOU ARE IN FACT A PORN STARE
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cuz i can see my own chest region in most positions, especially since i usually fuck with the lights on or in daylight. i only get pinker if i'm already blushing from alcohol consumption.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:38:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Personally, I'd go for the "fart and cover her head with the duvet" option. Nothing is as sweet as immediate revenge."
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*chokes on carrot*
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Stop trying to swallow it whole, Thorns.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:46:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:52:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad that you suspect you are an expert in this matter, but the true way to NEVER have a girl fake an orgasm is to race her to one. I win everytime. And if she doesn't like it, kick the fucking bitch out on the front step. Tell her that you never wasted your time on such shit vagina anyway. If you race, she's likely to have one with you. And if not, spray your load across her face and tell her what a worthless bitch she is. Further the point by immediately asking if you can have a 3some with one of her friends.
__________________
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
+2 for that
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Those little blue pills don't help me at all, goddammit.
You know what helps me? Those little white lines.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:38:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Personally, I'd go for the "fart and cover her head with the duvet" option. Nothing is as sweet as immediate revenge."
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*chokes on carrot*
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My lady don't cum cuz I don't let her. She aint earned it yet.
Submitted by Smack_Fuck (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:51:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish my skin flushed when i came. stupid skin.
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HOW DO YOU KNO IT DOESNT UNLESS YOU ARE IN FACT A PORN STARE
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is, sadly, very true.
The best thing for a woman to do is keep plenty of dildos in the house. They stay hard a L O N G time. Some men just can't seem to go the distance.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:07:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:59:13 (#)
Ranking: 1
No, I really DON'T care if she fakes it or not. As long as I don't fake MINE.
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So how ARE those little blue pills working out for you anyway shlongman, you old bastard.
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I can't speak for shlongy but those little blue pills will put your dick in your watch pocket.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:59:13 (#)
Ranking: 1
No, I really DON'T care if she fakes it or not. As long as I don't fake MINE.
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So how ARE those little blue pills working out for you anyway shlongman, you old bastard.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-03-14 12:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:43:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno. I've never faked it. Sometimes I don't feel like having an orgasm. But I don't fake it. Good story anyhow.
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"Sometimes I don't feel like having an orgasm."
This right here is the insurmountable difference between men and women.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No, I really DON'T care if she fakes it or not. As long as I don't fake MINE.
Submitted by EhyehAsherEhyeh (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great stuff, but you could have saved a lot of typing and ended the post with the first half of the first sentence.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:52:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad that you suspect you are an expert in this matter, but the true way to NEVER have a girl fake an orgasm is to race her to one. I win everytime. And if she doesn't like it, kick the fucking bitch out on the front step. Tell her that you never wasted your time on such shit vagina anyway. If you race, she's likely to have one with you. And if not, spray your load across her face and tell her what a worthless bitch she is. Further the point by immediately asking if you can have a 3some with one of her friends
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I'm certainly no expert on this. Tact is my forte.
This review made me chuckle, however.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:52:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad that you suspect you are an expert in this matter, but the true way to NEVER have a girl fake an orgasm is to race her to one. I win everytime. And if she doesn't like it, kick the fucking bitch out on the front step. Tell her that you never wasted your time on such shit vagina anyway. If you race, she's likely to have one with you. And if not, spray your load across her face and tell her what a worthless bitch she is. Further the point by immediately asking if you can have a 3some with one of her friends.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining enough.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish my skin flushed when i came. stupid skin.
Submitted by sway (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, to be brutally frank, all women are fucked in the head"
Hehhe. Brutal.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ozzy - telling it like it is.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoyable read actually.
i've been guilty of the big fake.... until i realized it was pretty pointless.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno. I've never faked it. Sometimes I don't feel like having an orgasm. But I don't fake it. Good story anyhow.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucken hell, this post is the reason why you shouldn't just type a post in the "submit" box.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, she could be dressed up like the Marquis de Lafayette and reciting the names of Holocaust victims in a Scottish accent. As long as the sauce is shot, the experience was a success.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So your woman faked her orgasm. What do you do now?
Roll over and fall asleep.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-03-14 11:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It really didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but it did entertain me for a few minutes.
And isn't that the important thing?